“Dear Dad”

October 1, 2013 | Julie Hall

Part 1

There comes a time in everyone’s lives where you either face the demon or you don’t. Not one to shy away from much, including a nasty demon who was helping himself to my father, something simply had to be done.

I knew long before anyone else in the family that dad was exhibiting signs of dementia. When I brought it up to my mom and sibling back in 2006, they thought I was nuts … only, I wasn’t. It was the one time I wished I was wrong. It wasn’t long before dad knew something was wrong too. One day he confided in me that he was worried because his once sharp memory was “fading fast and he couldn’t remember things anymore.”

I encouraged dad to see his family doctor for testing, but he never did or he cancelled appointments. Mom didn’t push the issue, despite my sweet badgering, because as I was to learn later on, she was afraid. So afraid to uncover the truth that it seemed to paralyze her, and she was a strong woman.

The letter I will share with you is a very personal demonstration of love between my father and myself, and how I saw things as they were rudely unfolding and trying to blacken our world. Not knowing what to do, or even how to begin doing it, I looked deep inside to find the right kind of solution because I felt damn helpless. All my life I could solve any problem, help anyone, come up with solutions. But I couldn’t beat this … not with all the tenacity in the world!

Of everything that I had heard about dementia, how could anything ever be right again? It was that quiet inner voice that won my attention and I tried to reach my father through the love I had for him. “Love conquers all,” they say, and if that is true, my words would touch my father’s soul. That is exactly what I intended. If I couldn’t help him fight and win, the least I could do was offer love and hold him up.

I just found this special letter in a box among my mother’s “keepsakes” from her estate; she kept it for a reason. If you know anyone who can benefit from it, please pass it along, because it worked. It reached both mom and dad and we all faced this demon together. Being the front guy facing this enemy is the single, most frightening experience of my life. There was no sword big enough, nor shield large enough to protect from its talons. But there is always love …

Part 2 … coming next week

Julie Hall, The Estate Lady®, is the foremost national expert on personal property in estates, including liquidating, advising, and appraising. http://www.TheEstateLady.com She is also the Director of American Society of Estate Liquidators®, the national educational and resource organization for estate liquidation. http://www.aselonline.com.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Don’t Let Parents Leave Without This!

September 27, 2013 | Julie Hall

It always puts a smile on my face when people email me to let me know they enjoy my writings. Sometimes I get great advice too. I heard from Mary, a lovely lady who works as a nurse in an Alzheimer’s Assisted Living facility. She enjoyed my book of checklists, “How to Clean Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less,” and thought of a few more things to add to the book.

How to Clean Out Your Parent’s Estate

She lived through this process with middle-aged children and elderly parents, and she knows what may be needed. Here are her recommendations:

A copy of a marriage certificate is necessary for most insurance policies.
Be sure you have on hand a birth certificate. If you don’t have it, order a couple of original copies from the state where they were born.
Documents for a cemetery plot or Neptune Society plans
Military discharge paperwork for burial in a veteran’s cemetery, or even to implement veteran’s benefits for medications or financial benefits toward long-term care. EXCELLENT POINT!
Has your loved one pre-chosen or pre-paid funeral home expenses? People die unexpectedly and often the family has no clue what was prepaid, where to bury them, or what their wishes were (cremation, laid to rest). As you may recall, both of my parents died rapidly. Thank goodness, we had all of their paperwork, including dad’s veteran papers.
Copies of will/trust and living will. Whether they do or do not want a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), it has to be documented and you will need copies if you are suddenly faced with making life or death decisions. Dying without a will or in debt is not a good idea.
Medication disposal: Please dispose of medications in a lidded glass jar with coffee grounds or cat litter, and soap and water. Dissolve medication in that jar and then throw away. You can also contact your local pharmacy for their drug “take-back” program. Mary reminds me that many meds, like chemo drugs, can be especially toxic.

Thank you for these words of wisdom!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Guilt – The Gift That Keeps on Giving

September 18, 2013 | Julie Hall

Each day, I work closely with heirs attempting to deal with what their parents have left behind. Some parents leave more than others, and some downsize long before their time comes. Some are so attached to their possessions, they leave it all for their children to contend with. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear they use their possessions as an anchor to this world, not fully understanding that when you are called to enter the heavenly gates, you can’t take a thing with you. You leave this earth much as you entered it, and we didn’t bring one material possession when we arrived.

On a daily basis, I hear middle-aged children tell me their mother “would kill them” if they sold or gave her possessions away, or that mom “always told me how valuable it was and to never sell it,” or that “I had to pass this down to the kids or she’d roll in her grave.” They openly share with me that mother always stressed the importance of these things and they now feel badly, wanting to sell them.

Friends, this is what I call strategically applied guilt and I am offering you some helpful advice here with the hopes that you will read it, re-read it, and pass it along to those who need to read it!

Every “thing” has a season. That season of cherishing that item was during your mom’s lifetime, not necessarily yours. Free yourself and make peace with this.
You may need permission to let it go. Here it is: It’s OK to let go and let someone else derive pleasure from it. There’s no sense in the item collecting dust, being stacked in your attic, or wrapped up in old newspaper in a box where it has remained since 1977. Let it go!
No, the kids and grandkids really don’t want it, most of the time. Even if you have an idea in your head that they will want it in the future, most of the time they don’t. Ask them what they would like to keep now. If it’s not on their list, don’t force them to take it. All you are doing is “passing the buck” to the younger generation that has no tolerance for “stuff.” They prefer cash.
Why would you clutter up your house with someone else’s stuff? It’s not fair to you, your spouse, your children. Make a pact with yourself that you will sort through it in a timely manner … not years, but weeks. Hire an appraiser to uncover what has value so you can make sound decisions. Get the kids on board and set dates for them to come get what they want. If it is unclaimed, give it to a charity of choice; let it go to someone who will appreciate it. It really is simple — you just have to make up your mind to do it, and forgive yourself for anything you think you are doing incorrectly. Always look forward.
I’m sure they don’t care about their material possessions in heaven. Agree?
Relieve yourself and your children of guilt. Here’s how …

My mom gave me a great gift before she died (her death was not expected). She took me to the guest room closet which had several packing boxes stacked. She told me those boxes were filled with family photos. “When I die, Julie, just throw them away because they are photos of people I don’t even know; I will not give you the guilt my mother put on me.”

When mom died unexpectedly and I was in her home cleaning it out, I walked up to that closet and replayed that scene in my mind. I actually laughed out loud when I reached for the boxes, telling my brother what mom had told me. Even though we went through the boxes, she was right and I had no trouble letting go. I was incredibly grateful my mother gave me that “gift” and relieved me of that burden. That’s love!

It’s OK to feel a pang of uncertainty. It’s not OK to drag this stuff with you through life, allowing it to drag you down with it. It’s not right to place it all on your children. Learn from this painful experience.

Show Me the Money

September 10, 2013 | Julie Hall

Yesterday I went to a local, but well-known, antique show held once a month. I was there at 9:00 am to get in the door early enough to try and seek out treasures, but the strange thing was that no one was waiting in line. At first, I thought maybe I had the date wrong. I could not figure out why the attendance was so low.

Granted, it was still early, and as the day went on, more people came but I didn’t see anyone buying much.

I was lucky enough to find a motivated, successful dealer. I use the word “successful” because he gets it … you must negotiate to sell items, unless you have very rare pieces that will command top dollar. That is much harder to find than people realize. I must have spent a couple of hours with this one dealer who let me “pick” through his tubs of scrap silver, jewelry, etc., and he gave me very fair prices, so I will be a repeat customer.

Picture this: Dealers who have been there year after year with the same items, refusing to come down in price, even though the heyday for these items has come and gone. The heyday may come back again one day, but not anytime soon. Sadly, these dealers are so set in their ways; they will probably perish before they come down in price. They have the mentality that they must double or triple (or more) their money and they won’t settle for anything less. They are the dealers sitting in their booths, reading a book or newspaper, and not engaging in any human contact. I almost took a photo of one dealer fast asleep!

When these dealers pass away, their kids will sell these items by sending them to an auction or through a liquidator. They are holding out for a certain amount or perceived value that will not come to fruition. Can you imagine traveling, packing, and unpacking these items for years and not selling all that much? To each his own, but that seems like a waste of time to me. I would be more motivated to move product.

Compare these dealers to the first dealer who cut me great deals and was willing to negotiate … Who do you think will find favor with more buyers? Who will get more business because they negotiate, and are pleasant and easy to work with?

Still, there are other dealers that are catching on and placing signs on their tables: “$1.00 Table,” “$5.00 Table,” “Nothing over $30.00 but ask for best price” tables, I even saw “FREE STUFF” boxes and they were still full! These dealers are beginning to see the light. It’s as if I wanted to jump on top of the table to shout, “ATTENTION EVERYONE! We are battling weary economic times! Come on now … this stuff is not going to bring in what it did in 2005!”

If you want buyers to show you the money, you have to meet them halfway. It has, without question, become a buyers market. For those with extra cash to spend, you can rack up some great deals, even investment quality pieces.

ESTATE LADY TIP: Silver and gold are beginning to inch up again. Buy what you can afford now. It could go up rapidly depending on current global situations.

Even the Devil Uses the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval®

September 4, 2013 | Julie Hall

Throughout the course of my career, I have worked my fanny off (like most of you) trying to accomplish my calling: make a positive contribution to the estate industry, educate, advocate and resolve difficult issues for my clients, earn an impeccable reputation, and do it all honestly and ethically. After 23 years, I feel pretty confident I have achieved many of my goals with the help of some great team members and my faith.

What makes me steaming mad are those individuals who flat out steal logos and intellectual property that is not theirs. No conscience, no care or concern. They don’t care that they steal what they didn’t earn. They do it with no forethought of hurting others, most especially themselves in the long run, because the truth will come out eventually. Those who know me would tell you I’d be the first to teach, to help, to answer questions if I can. Stealing information or logos is a huge no-no.

Many of you may not know that I own and direct The American Society of Estate Liquidators®. http://www.aselonline.com This professional organization is for those who want to learn the estate industry, and offers educational courses and a place for experienced liquidators to learn how to build their business. It is a safe haven for ethical liquidators and we have worked hard to set the standard for the industry.

The problem is some people don’t want to play nice. People steal logos without paying dues. Some don’t care about ethics until they get caught or fined. It’s not just about me … it’s about you too because many will attempt to take advantage of you, or someone you know, in the future. I often wonder how they sleep at night.

Here’s my point: Each industry has its good and bad, even estate liquidation. With companies that have no training/education or just popped up, and no one knows anything about them, you (the consumer) needs to research them carefully to make sure what their site says about them is accurate. Just because some company creates a website and add logos and makes claims, doesn’t mean they are legitimate or ethical. Follow up with them and pay attention to red flags.

Contact your local BBB and ask questions. Look for UNresolved complaints. Search online for the company name and any complaints or reviews. Ask for and check several recent references. Ask people in the community who is the best of the best. Do not be swayed by a company that is cheaper, for you often get what you pay for! Go for integrity, trust, ethics, gut instinct.

If the company is hesitant to answer questions, doesn’t call you back in a timely manner, doesn’t give you a polished and trustworthy feeling, then that little voice inside is probably telling you something. Listen to it.

So you see that even the devil uses the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval®. Anyone can steal that seal or logo. But not everyone can back it up with education, training, credibility, experience, and know-how. A professional liquidator is going to do the right thing for the client, answer any and all questions, maintain confidentiality, guide you to know what is best for your given situation, and communicate clearly each step of the way.

If you find out they are lying about being part of a professional organization, or anything else, don’t walk away … RUN!

David Vs. Goliath

August 29, 2013 | Julie Hall

Images of the nasty, colossal giant filled our heads when we first heard the story of David and Goliath as children. For purposes of today’s blog, let’s look to this story as the little guys vs. the big guys (small business owners vs. large corporations).

Recently, I attended numerous small business events and a few weekend festivals. I was surrounded by hundreds of vendors, each trying to sell something: widgets, kitchen ware, handmade jewelry, insurance, small appliances, books — you name it! While I participated in what appeared to be a vibrant display of colors on a beautiful day, what I noticed most of all popped my balloon and sent my spirits southbound.

While everyone was caught up in the festivities, I saw something no one else seemed to notice; no one was buying much of anything. There were free give-aways and samples, but very few people were doling out the cash for any product. The thought occurred to me that all these vendors shelled out cash to rent space, with the high hopes of selling their products or services. When one looked at the people in the booths, you could see the weariness on their faces, as they worried that their business might not make it.

I took notice of the small jewelers who were silversmiths, etc. Their work was lovely but high-priced. I am the first to acknowledge and praise the labor of love that goes into a work of art, but people these days are buying precious metals at spot price, not four or ten times spot price. I realize they are buying art and not weight, but in my circles, I see it sell by weight. So how on earth is the little guy supposed to make ends meet?

This is a common theme among small business owners, especially in the last few years. There are numerous causes for concern: the economy, demand of what’s hot and what’s not, capital needs to run the business, taxes, etc. My business adviser said the two main reasons businesses fails is:

People run out of money, and
People lose their follow-through and tenacity.

While these may be accurate, we are living in strange times. Many people are anxious about money and worried that they won’t have enough or already don’t have enough.

It seems lately that the little guy is getting beat to a pulp. They are losing their benefits, having to let go of employees because they can no longer afford them, etc. I think the government often hurts the little guy instead of helping them. Such a shame!

Many of the greatest corporations came from modest roots. Look at Facebook, Microsoft, and others. These guys started out in one room with very little money, but armed with fantastic ideas that changed our daily lives. Can we all be Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg? No. We’re not meant to be. We’re meant to illuminate our corner of the world with our thoughts and ideas every day and do the best that we can.

I can’t pretend to know all the issues out there that affect small business owners, but I know this much — If little David can slay a giant with one strategically placed stone, we just need to have a little faith and practice more strategic thinking. Then, we too can be successful.

Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave

August 21, 2013 | Julie Hall

I hate spiders. Being a lover of nature, I shouldn’t say that but it’s true. Maybe if they weren’t so spooky looking with all those hairy legs. It doesn’t matter what the spider looks like to me; if it’s in the house, it is usually caught by my husband in a container and escorted out … immediately. The movie, “Arachnophobia” had me curled up in a ball, knees in chest, and freaking out if something touched me (like my cat). Even writing this, I have a case of the itchies! Sometimes I think that squishing them would be easier, but I believe in karma.

Recently however, I have changed my way of looking at these formidable creatures. Creepy? Sure, but incredibly smart and beneficial. They are great gardeners since they eat bad insects, and pretty much eat anything they can. (I can relate.) Spider silk is among the strongest material on earth and that’s pretty amazing! People are actually studying their silk to see if it can be replicated. Pound for pound, it’s stronger than steel.

Spiders generally don’t bother people unless provoked, but I would hate to do that by accident. In many cultures, like some Native Americans, the spider is highly revered and considered a goddess. In other cultures, it’s eaten as a meal. Yikes, I don’t want to know how big they are! Some have even made nursery rhymes about spiders. Remember LIttle Miss Muffet who sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey?

I got to thinking about spider webs, because webs are a work of art. Being an appraiser and lover of all kinds of art, I have an appreciation for how long and dutiful this little creature works to create his web art. I certainly would not have the patience or perseverance to create one. It is a lesson in volatility, watching it be destroyed by the pass of a lawn mower, someone’s leg, or a rain storm. But the spider doesn’t give up. It just rebuilds without complaining. Webs are particularly beautiful when the sun catches them just right and you see every line.

See the photo I took in my backyard.

We should take a lesson from the spider. All of life seems to be a web. It goes in so many directions with a crossroad at each intersection. You make a little progress, then you get stuck. Did you know that the vertical spokes of a spider’s web are dry and the horizontal lines are sticky to catch prey? The spider will only walk on the vertical spokes, but of course, their prey doesn’t know that.

I think the goal is to avoid the sticky parts of our own webs, lest we be pulled into a web where we have trouble getting out. Mom always said to walk a straight like in life. I think I’ll stay with the vertical line!

Thou Shalt Not Steal

August 15, 2013 | Julie Hall

Life sure is getting harder … and weirder. Call me a twentieth century throw-back, but people and times seem to be changing fast and I don’t think it’s my imagination. Just yesterday, my husband and I were out taking a drive in the gorgeous Blue Ridge mountains enjoying the magnificent views. We had no clue where we were, other than a curvy country road. The adventure is half the fun! Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a huge yard sale and shouted to my husband to “Stop! Yard Sale!” Since being married to me, he has thrown his car into reverse more than he ever used to.

Who would have thought that all the way out there with no street signs, but plenty of goats and chickens, you would find an awesome sale with great finds and reasonable prices? My family knows when I am “shopping sales” it’s best to leave me alone because it takes great concentration to select and negotiate the great buys. I piled up a few items, greeted and exchanged conversation with the sellers, and enjoyed their company. One seller there told me she had real jewelry – if I was interested – because I looked like the honest type. Lucky to be born with a kind face, I politely accepted her invitation to see the real stuff and she hauled me up to her front porch where it was all tangled and piled in her shoe boxes. Some of the pieces were very nice.

She was only 40 but she looked much older, and I knew she had a story to tell – and tell, she did. Once the wife of a wealthy man, he was always unavailable to her, busy making his money. Her job seemed to be going out and buying jewelry. But he was also abusive to her. She escaped with her young son and her jewelry, and that was it. Now she was living in a tiny home in the middle of nowhere, where no one knew her. Her young son was by her side, as I expect he’ll be most of his life, taking care of mom. She told me she didn’t want to sell her jewelry, but that she had to. Her prices weren’t cheap, but the pieces were quality and I did purchase a handful from her. She was so appreciative.

During the sale, an older woman was wandering around the front yard. She was very sweet, like your grandma, saw the jewelry and asked to see it. When the younger woman who had been helping me turned her back, the older woman took a handful of the good gold and silver jewelry and stuffed it in her pockets and in her blouse. Someone yelled out, “Hey lady, you can’t steal that stuff. That belongs to Karen and you haven’t paid for it!” It was quite a tense moment. No one really knew what to do because no one expected a sweet older woman to steal!

Don’t get me wrong. Since the dawn of man, people have been stealing … from merchants, family, neighbors, even out of necessity. I can’t sit here and tell you I am the world’s most religious person, but I can tell you I am a person with strong moral convictions. The problem is that most people seem to have lost their own moral compass. I wonder where it all went in such a short time. I am a child of the 60’s and now it seems like that was eons ago.

I also wonder when it was that I turned into my parents. I am officially an old fogey … but at least I’m a moral one.

Ms. Faye

August 7, 2013 | Julie Hall

As with most of my clients, I have a tendency to get attached. At 94, she carried herself in a very youthful manner and looked more like a 60-year-old with manicured nails, perfectly applied makeup and gorgeous white hair that was set every few days.

She and I had grown close while working together on her downsizing move to a retirement/continuing care community. Ms. Faye turned out to be one of my biggest supporters, always making an appearance at one of my local speeches and having photos taken with me for her memory book. She had outlived everyone, including a beloved husband that she often reminisced about, but she was determined to enjoy life solo.

Uncharacteristic for a woman of her era, she made the decision to sell her estate jewelry and travel extensively, because in her words, “When you’re gone, you’re gone.”

Unusual as she was bustling with energy and always had a smile on her face, I asked her one day over lunch what her secret was. She paused for a moment to reflect and suddenly a wide smile, that matched her glowing complexion, emerged on her face. “It’s really very simple. Always look up and never look down. And always choose close friends that are younger than you because they will keep you young in spirit — the older ones die and leave you.”

There it was in a nutshell — life according to Ms. Faye. She said it with gusto through her red Estee Lauder lips. It’s difficult to forget someone like Ms. Faye. Her words were so simple but powerful, and were her secret to longevity.

Not long after our lunch together, Ms. Faye died quietly and unexpectedly during the night. While she is no longer here, I still smile every time I think about her. I think of this older woman who had lived through and seen so much, and I remember her words, “Always look up and never look down.”

I think it is important to spread stories as upbeat as this, especially when the news all around us seems all doom and gloom. Some would think it is sad that she died, but she left this earth doing what she wanted, whenever she wanted, and how she wanted it. In my eyes, not a bad passing at all. Thanks for the smiles and new mantra, Ms. Faye.

Rest in heavenly peace.

‘Til Death Do Us Part

July 31, 2013 | Julie Hall

Most of us enjoy hearing those words during a wedding ceremony, where the new couple is floating in bliss and envision being by each other’s side until death separates them. From my perspective, however, I see people who have a very passionate relationship with their material possessions, sometimes more so than each other! If I didn’t know better, I would say they behave as if they can take their possessions with them when they leave this earth, but we know that we can’t take stuff with us.

I have seen it all. In all those years of estate work, I have tried to figure out why people have such a hard time “letting go.” Often, the Depression Era generation is the one that has accumulated the most, in my experience. Their parents did not have much and probably possessed more utilitarian items because of the era in which they lived. When their parents passed away, they did not distribute or sell those items … they absorbed them. The boomers have multiple generations of stuff to deal with when their Depression Era parents pass away.

Here are a few thoughts on why people hold on to so much:

You just never know when I’m going to need this.
There are so many things I could use this for.
If I hold onto it long enough, it will become valuable.
It is already old, so it must be valuable.
I did without as a child and I will not do without again.
It was a gift and I will honor the giver by keeping it.
The more I leave the kids, the more they will have.
I worked very hard for these things and I will pass them down.
They bring comfort and familiarity.
Sentimental reasons.
Too overwhelmed to let it go — emotional attachment.
I’ll let my kids deal with this after I’m gone.

As an appraiser of residential contents, this is the part where I try to put my clients at ease. When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate appraised prior to distributing or selling contents. Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value. Some children feel that items might be “junk” and some pieces do turn out to have significant value, pleasantly surprising them. Family stories through the years can add to the anticipation that great-grandfather’s chair is more valuable because it is so old, but age is not the only factor of value. There are many more characteristics of value we look at to determine it’s worth.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of their heirs already have houses that are full of accumulation from 25+ years of marriage. Adding more stuff will only fuel marital strife. I’ve seen divorces happen over keeping too much stuff.

Some kids keep items to sell, others for sentimental reasons. others because they feel guilt because “mother would kill me if I didn’t keep this.” The younger generation appear to want nothing but cash assets. Even if your children do take a few items, their children definitely don’t want them now, and most likely will feel the same in the future. They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions when they could take the cash and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn. This is the trend.

Holding on to possessions because you don’t want to let them go will leave a massive burden on your children. Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action. Take it from one who knows!