How to Handle Yourself During the Estate Settlement Process

January 14, 2013 | Julie Hall

It’s an observation worth noting: When it comes to dividing heirlooms and estate contents, everyone tenses up and no one wants to be the first to talk. You can sense the apprehension in the room, and it appears as if everyone is trying to predict what the other will do. Will my sister-in-law make a fuss? Will brother want the same things I want, and if so, what do we do? Will there be fighting and resentment?

From the perspective of this 20+ year estate veteran who has observed many families, we should be more concerned with our own behavior. It is more likely that people will follow rather than lead, so if you lead by example, the others may very well follow suit, especially if you remain positive. If every heir was in tune with their own behavior and had the ability to stay on the straight and narrow peaceful path, there would be a lot less fighting in the world. Unfortunately this is not always the case.

When a parent passes, particularly the last remaining parent, true colors, a few fangs, and an entitlement mentality will eventually surface. Most feuds break out for four basic reasons:

A misunderstanding has taken place and has not been effectively dealt with
Everyone grieves differently and emotions can be volatile
A situation has been festering for years that probably took place during childhood and now will appear, causing all kinds of problems
An heir perceives he/she is getting taken advantage of on the cash assets and/or heirlooms.

Here’s how you can contribute to a more peaceful resolution:

Sit down and say what’s on your mind. Beating around the bush confuses everyone and confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. My father always said that the day after a thunderstorm is usually clean, bright, and beautiful. The storm clears the air and so does a confrontation that is more about sharing than finger-pointing. Some heirs can’t handle this confrontation and I would definitely recommend some sort of mediation, if they want to save the relationship. The down side is if they don’t fix this early on, the relationship will eventually be irreparable as the damage continues to expand and both parties live out their lives with anger in their hearts.
It’s vital to do everything you can to keep the peace. Regardless of what part you play in this, it will have an impact on you too, most especially a negative impact. Even indirectly connected, you will be touched in some negative way. To avoid this, do your best to take the “higher road.” You’ll feel better doing so, even if it’s not always easy.
Validate the other person’s feelings if they share them with you. At least, listen. Repeat what they said to you so they feel you heard them. Both should agree to simply do the best you can to smooth it over somehow. A photo of mom and dad sitting in front of you wouldn’t hurt. After all, this is about honoring them and not about you.
Encourage others to be a part of the healing process, if they would like to be. It is not about taking sides. It is about encouraging both parties to do what they can to heal the hurt, if the hurt can be healed. It’s too easy to throw in the towel and quit. Always remain objective and try very hard to see the other side. Seeing both sides, or at least putting yourself in the other’s shoes, might very well lend some insight into the situation. The problem is that we are generally too self-centered to do this, because we feel strongly we are in the right. Promise yourself you will at least try!

Dividing heirlooms can be one of the most contentious experiences during our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles, but you can learn to put them out when they are smoldering, instead of when they grow into a full-blown forest fire.

A Heartfelt Thank You

December 31, 2012 | Julie Hall

They say time heals all wounds. In the last few weeks of losing dad and mourning the loss of both my parents in the last year, I have asked myself how I will get back up and move forward. For me, it is about staying active and busy. A frequent thought visits me; what can I do to help others, and how can I serve them best? I just assume, since we all grieve in different ways, I will eventually be okay with the passage of time, bending God’s ear a lot, and relying on the support of family and close friends.

What caught me by surprise, however, were all the wonderful comments and emails I received from you. I had no idea so many people who I don’t know personally genuinely cared, or that my blogs or writings had somehow touched you or your family. I had no idea that sharing my thoughts made a positive impact.

I am deeply honored that you reached out to comfort me. Little did I know that a good dose of healing took place over the holidays because of your kind comments and heartfelt words.

You have re-instilled my faith in humankind — people are by nature “good” even though all we ever hear about in our media is the bad. Your comments and sincere emails were deeply touching at a time when I needed them most. I am reminded of a line from a classic movie, “The Sound of Music.” Fräulein Maria says, “Reverend Mother always says when the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.”

Thank you for opening a window for me. Happy New Year!

The Crossroads

December 18, 2012 | Julie Hall

I just lost my dad. One minute, he was talking, walking, and shopping with me; the next day he was someone I didn’t know. Overnight, his dementia had taken hold and he was lost to us. I’ll never know if it was a new prescription that pushed him over the edge, or someone stealing his wallet at his assisted living center (which held his lucky $20 bill from his Navy days in the 1950s). I’ll never know the answer and I’ll never gather enough facts to know. This doesn’t exactly bring me peace.

Was it part of God’s plan to take this wonderful, kind man that everyone loved so quickly? Had God heard my prayers for mercy as I saw him headed down the slippery slope of decline? For days in the hospital, I sat talking to dad. Even though he was unresponsive and incapable of our usual communication, I could see that parts of “dad” were still there. The doctors were not forthcoming with information and it was a constant struggle to get the facts and the truth — two things my tenacity was going to attain. I watched for days as the prognosis grew worse, until finally I lifted a prayer begging for answers … any kind of answers.

The neurologist came into dad’s room and he was, quite literally, heaven-sent. He answered all of my questions to the best of his ability. He told me dad was not coming back and I needed to make a decision as dad’s healthcare power of attorney. An infection had started to brew and they wanted to know if we should treat it or not. Fortunately, one of the greatest blessings in all of this is that mom and dad left detailed living wills/advanced directives, spelling out what they wanted and what they didn’t.

There was no way dad wanted to live like this, and his living will guided us to the final decision that allowed him to die a natural death as he requested. As my sibling said, “It was the hardest, easiest decision to make, because dad had told us what he wanted.” We honored his wishes, as hard as it was. Imagine the level of guilt we would have to bear the remainder of our lives, had dad not gone to the trouble to have this for us, guiding us through a very dark and sorrowful time.

Moving him to Hospice House was the best decision. Dad was so peaceful there. I am convinced the nurses and CNAs had angel’s wings under their scrubs; yet another blessing during this time of crisis. I stayed with dad in hospice for two days. I talked non-stop (aided greatly by the constant flow of caffeine), I sang to him “Amazing Grace” and other songs he loved. I asked for forgiveness for the times I wasn’t the best kid or short on patience, and I reminded him of all the great family memories. I thanked him for instilling in us kids the morals and values that have carried us so far. I asked him to watch over my family, give mom a big hug, and touch the stars for me. It is hard to carry on a solo conversation.

A couple of hours before he passed, he gave me a great gift. He opened his eyes and locked onto mine. He hadn’t done that in a week. Giving dad the biggest smile that I could through the tears, I told him that I was right there with him and that I was okay (he always worried about me). I was sad but okay and was going to be okay. I told him “I love you” as I had at least 100 times that day. For a man whose brain could no longer function and who lost his powers of speech, what he did next was a very special gift. Eyes locked on mine, his lips mouthed the words, “I love you” right back. In human terms, that was impossible, but not to me. That was a parting miracle and one I will never forget.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. It is a sorrowful time for me and my family, but dad always said, “Life is for the living,” and mom always said, “This too shall pass.” I think they were both right, as always.

There is Much to be Grateful For

November 21, 2012 | Julie Hall

I’m thankful for things I never thought about before. It could be the economy that has us more thankful for what we do have, or in my case, losing one beloved parent and in the process of losing the other that makes me see things differently than I used to.

I walk outside for a fresh breath and see a perfect sky and the gorgeous leaves this time of year. How could anything be wrong when you see something that beautiful? I don’t yell at my teen as much as I used to. She supported me during a time of tremendous loss and has spoken words of wisdom when she sees me folded over in tears, due to my father’s illness. How could anything be wrong when you’re surrounded by something so beautiful?

I’m not as impatient as I used to be, and I’m thankful for that too. And even though I have always thought of myself as a kind person, I am even more so now, because the world needs as much light and kindness as possible.

We all have worries, fears, and thoughts we shouldn’t have. It is a sign of the times. I walked to the backyard and was greeted by a family of 9 deer who did not run when I got within 15 feet of them. Instead, the timid deer allowed me to slowly approach, and I crouched down only to observe how graceful they all were. How they all remained together to stay safe, warm, and graze. Their big eyes and ears were always on the alert, but they were inquisitive as well. The mother had an injured leg (not life threatening), and she was slower than the rest, but they never left her behind. They stayed together like family should.

It was a “God” moment. Just me and God and his incredible creatures. In that snippet of time, all my worries and troubles were gone. All was right and my mind was “in the moment.” So that’s what it feels like not to have any worries, I thought to myself. I need to do this more often. And so I shall.

My mom used to say you can see things from any angle you choose; you can be mad or glad, happy or sad. It’s all in how you look at things. I’ll start thinking more like that too.

I’m finally beginning to get the picture. Fifty years into this thing called life, I finally get it. Be appreciative. Tell people how you feel. Fix your wrongs. Treat others well. Do the right thing. It all goes back to everything we learned in kindergarten; only somewhere along the way, life got in the way and we may have forgotten.

Let this be a reminder to us all to be more “in the moment” with an appreciative heart, as we enter this holiday season and a new year.

The Antique Show

November 6, 2012 | Julie Hall

I am known to frequent antique and collectibles shows. Curiosity always gets the best of me and I just have to go and visit with dealers from different markets to get their take on how the market and economy are doing.

Yesterday, I went to a large show in my area. In 2010, it had shrunken with fewer big tents and dealers than usual, and 2011 was no different. This year, it appeared a bit larger, but what the producers of the show had done was allowed flea marketers in with items of lesser quality. So you had very high-end antiques mixed in with yard sale items. Some people enjoyed the varied selection, but most of the dealers did not.

There was a quiet murmur among the dealers of the show, and with my ability to bounce from dealer to dealer, I got to hear most of the “scoop” that was going around. They blamed the producer of the show who allowed the “cheap” goods in. Attendees were buying the cheap goods but not the high-end antiques. Some of the dealers who knew me shared that while they had sold some items. the public in general has become more difficult to deal with.

“They want to negotiate from the get-go, knowing the economic situation. They don’t care what something is worth. If we have $100 on something, they want it for less than half of that. They also behave as if we (dealers) are taking advantage of them, and we’re not … we’re all struggling.”

This was the basis of what I was seeing and hearing. Some dealers who refused to negotiate will be left with a truckload of stuff to bring back home and not much to show for it in their pockets. Others who are willing to negotiate will at least make something. Still there were others that shocked me a bit when I picked up one of their items; it was an immediate “I can do better on the price.” One lady pretty much dragged me into her booth and kept showing me things I had absolutely no interest in, and I thought that was pretty strange behavior … like she was desperate. No one likes to be pushed, but I remained polite and said, “No, thank you.”

As I soaked in the local color and all the buzz around me, a thought occurred to me that probably wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. If all this stuff is left behind and the piles only get bigger with time, because they are not selling, what will become of all these items and who will purchase them as we continue to age and pass away?

If I were a dealer, I would think the art of negotiation and letting things go for a modest profit would be the key to being more successful in this challenging economy.

In Search Of …

October 16, 2012 | Julie Hall

Everybody is in search of something. We search for happiness, prosperity, vitality, etc. We search for understanding, the meaning of life, the mysteries of the universe. We look for people and special places and a million other things – all so that our lives will be meaningful.

In all my years of working in estates, I see clients searching for something too, but many of them haven’t quite figured out what it is they are looking for. When it comes to clearing out the estate, many of them take way too much stuff only to clutter up their own homes. You know they will never use those items, yet they continue taking, taking. Why do they do this? What void are these things feebly filling, that they didn’t get from the loved one in life?

Are they searching for absolution from a lost parent, or in need of validation of who they were to the parent? Are they angry with the deceased loved one and never got a chance to make it right? Are they guilt-ridden? Did they not receive enough emotional love and support from the parent-child relationship, and now take things feeling “entitled” and holding a grudge?

Things are never a replacement for people. At the end of our lives, we can’t take these things with us anyway and they will only serve to burden our children who really don’t want the stuff from the start.

When my mother died, here’s what I took from her estate and that very painful experience:

I took her beautiful smile and laughter, forever etched in my memory.
I took her solid advice and now practice it daily.
I took 50 years of memories … family gatherings and good times.
I took photographs so I would never forget how blue her eyes were.
I took her common sense, good manners, and lady-like disposition, and carry them with me, among many other things.

The point I’m trying to make is that memories are not found in things. The things you take from an estate will gather dust and be forgotten eventually. Special memories are already in your heart if you had a good relationship with the loved one. And if you didn’t/don’t have a good relationship, now is a really good time to try to mend old, crumbling fences.

Senior Scams are in Full Swing

October 8, 2012 | Julie Hall

… And it’s going to get worse!

Boomer children, be warned. While the poor economy is definitely a huge culprit when it comes to senior scams, we also need to face the fact that many people out there are indescribably unscrupulous, earning money to hurt the ones you love. I’ve often wondered how these people sleep at night and live with themselves, but I have come to realize these scam artists don’t seem to have much of a conscience.

Since I have had several blog followers ask me to write about the scams that have robbed their loved ones in many different ways, I want to shed light on what our seniors are going through, that often as children we don’t see … or don’t want to see. The phone rings and it’s a friendly voice the elderly person is attracted to. Our elderly relative might be lonely or soft-hearted and give information they shouldn’t give to the stranger. Sadly, they are of a generation that may not fully recognize the impact of the world wide web and its power. The stroke of a finger on a keyboard could mean financial devastation to them, and their personal information is spread around the world in an instant, never to be retrieved.

The telemarketers prey on them, promising a lottery, other forms of a windfall, and free stuff. There is no “free.” It all comes at a price. We must also take into consideration that many of our relatives suffer from dementia, and the effects it has on their logic and reasoning. In some cases, they don’t know any better, or they are just sweet-natured and gullible. Some even buy things from TV home shopping channels just to have social interaction with the customer service rep on the phone and the UPS man when he drops off their purchases.

These are some of the things I see, but the National Council on Aging has this to say about senior scams:

All seniors are targeted, both low income as well as high income, because it is perceived they have plenty of money saved.
Over 90% of all reported elder abuse is committed by an older person’s own family members, most often their adult children, followed by grandchildren, nieces and nephews, and others. (Wow, this is really sad!)

Their top 10 list of senior scams:

For more details on each, go to: Top 10 Senior Scams

Health Care / Medicare / Health Insurance Fraud
Counterfeit Prescription Drugs
Funeral & Cemetery scams
Fraudulent Anti-Aging Products
Telemarketing
Internet Fraud
Investment Schemes
Homeowner / Reverse Mortgage scams
Sweepstakes and Lottery scams
The Grandparent scam

Also, consider contacting your local Better Business Bureau for senior scams in your area, and how they can be avoided. Make sure to place your elderly loved one’s phone number on the National “Do Not Call” Registry. Registry

While scammers still do call, it is done less frequently. Remind them your number is on the “Do Not Call” list.

Please do your research, and do everything in your power to protect your loved one!

An Estate Find Tells the Tale of a Bittersweet Love

October 3, 2012 | Julie Hall

The colors of the WWI era postcard were the first to catch my attention. Postmarked 1918, the picture depicts a soldier in uniform holding the hand of a girl he was leaving behind as he heads off to war. When I flipped the postcard over to read it, their lives suddenly sprung to life.

Her name was Viola and she lived in Virginia. The only writing on the addressee side is her first name, last name, and the city and state she lived in. Your first thought, when looking at the simplicity of the card, was how complicated life is now in the 21st century, compared to a time when postmen knew you and where you lived. But after reading the postcard, perhaps their lives weren’t that simple after all. It leaves a lot to the imagination.

His name was Thomas and he was writing from Camp Meade. Apparently, Thomas was quite taken with Viola.

Dearest Viola, I guess you are somewhat surprised to hear from me. And although I am taking it upon myself to drop you a card, I hope that one day very soon I can hold your beautiful face in my hands. What a sweet and wonderful day it will be to see you again! I thought today that I had to leave for France, But I am still here for a couple of weeks before we go so please answer me. Yours, Thomas

What Thomas was really trying to do was get up the nerve to tell her how he really felt and that he wanted her in his life.

I wonder whatever happened to Thomas and Viola. During this time in 1918, WWI was drawing to a close but the men were still actively fighting. Did Thomas ever go to France, and if so, did he ever return safely to hold Viola’s face? Did he die valiantly while fighting for his country? It’s one of the myriad of mysteries we find in estates, and while it is hard to walk away without a firm answer, we simply fill in the blanks the way we would have wanted the story to end.

Thomas came back; Viola fell head over heels in love with him. They had several children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; they lived to a ripe old age, completely devoted to one another.

In my mind, that’s the ending to this affair of the heart.

Live a Life That Matters

September 24, 2012 | Julie Hall

(Source unknown)

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasures or baubles, will pass on to someone else.

Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will disappear. So too, your hopes, dreams, plans, and to-do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that seemed so important will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived.

It won’t matter if you were beautiful or brilliant, and your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built.

Not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

It is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, or sacrifice, that empowered, enriched, and encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

It will not matter how many people you knew, but how many people will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.

What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those that loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It is a matter of choice.

He Who Hesitates Is Lost

September 17, 2012 | Julie Hall

There’s no doubt about it! The market is crazy, and in my opinion, predictable due to the economy. While mainstream media has us believing everything is getting better, some of us have an intuition that may not be the case.

Professionals in the field of personal property will tell you that the market is soft. Prospective buyers are buying, but at lower prices than most people want to accept or believe, and the pattern of what they are buying and for how much is shifting.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the trends and feel what’s going on. Many families are making serious mistakes when it comes to handling an estate and its contents. Here are some examples of what I am seeing:

1. Many cannot bear to deal with the estate from an emotional perspective, or experiencing sibling challenges, or the executor is not doing their proper job. As a result, the estate “sits.” As I mentioned in an earlier blog, that home becomes a sitting duck and a welcome for thieves. Another downside is that the home itself decays. A home is a living, breathing thing and when no one lives in it, it begins to deteriorate very rapidly and invites unwanted guests such as critters, plumbing problems, electrical issues, flooding, etc. Next thing you know, the value of the home (and its contents) have also deteriorated. I see this every day.

2. Missed opportunity. Okay, so the market isn’t so great. But it might be better now than in the future. Since we don’t have a crystal ball, there is no way to know what the future holds, but it isn’t looking like “top dollar” is right around the corner. Some families are storing items, and in the long run, get tired of doing so and decide to sell at the wrong time! They are just tired of dealing with it and who can blame them for that?

It’s important to note that many people feel if you hold onto it long enough, the value will increase. They may think traditional dark furniture values will go back up, or depression glass will once again be en vogue. It could happen, but I wouldn’t hold my breath – at least for quite some time.

My advice? Hold on to precious metals and extremely rare items that are authenticated by professionals. Let the rest go and lighten up your life.

3. Do not adore family lore. Most of it is pieces of the truth that have been exaggerated through the years, though the stories are fascinating! Family lore has us believing many of these pieces are worth a fortune, and more often than not, this is not the reality of the situation.

What to do? Holding on to stuff is eventually going to be like holding on to a cactus … very uncomfortable. It has a tendency to squeeze us into discomfort, cause family or marital strife, financial strife, family squabbles, etc. The solution is easier than you think … just let go! Your loved one’s memory is in your heart and mind, not in the things that weigh you down in life. Your loved one would never want that for you.