The Odyssey of Junk

| Julie Hall

Has your junk been more places than you?

It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been in the estate business, I still wonder why we hold on to so much “junk” and why we have such difficulty letting go of it.  Oh sure, we may have it in neat piles, boxed in a spare room, crammed in closets, or out of sight, but make no bones about it — it is THERE, lurking in the darkness of our drawers, attics, and closets faithfully reproducing while we go about our busy lives.  How on earth do we amass so much?

I have a theory.  Somewhere back in our long-ago DNA when ancestors were primitive, I think we developed a “switch” in our brains that told us to gather and collect.  Humans were, after all, hunters and gatherers, and I believe we still are on some level.  Back then, we had to collect wood for fire, food to eat, etc. Our survival depended on it.  If you didn’t collect these items, you and your family would perish.

Today, we do it on a grand, 21st century scale.  We buy, buy, buy, and don’t really understand why.  We have far more than we need and far more than we will ever use.  Did you know we actually use only 20% of what we own?  Think about it — we wear the same, favorite clothes, shoes, use the same kitchen items, toiletries, etc.  So what happens to the other 80%?  It sits there, not being put to use, often until a loved one dies and then it has to be dealt with.  By then, it is too late and much of it is usually discarded.

We not only hold on to, but also keep moving stuff from one home to another: our college stuff, our kids’ stuff, even stuff for grandkids who aren’t walking yet, but we think they may want these items one day.

When we are in estates cleaning them out, or if clients ask us to clean out their attics, we find boxes with original moving company stickers from the 60s and 70s, and those boxes are STILL taped shut.  No one ever opened them after the move 40+ years ago.  The message that sends to me is these items weren’t important enough for me to open this box, so why do we still have them?

Our elders, God bless them, saved everything including broken appliances and parts (because you might need them one day), tons of catalogs and magazines (because those old National Geographics might be worth something).  The entire kitchen is cluttered with mayonnaise jars, Cool Whip containers, pie tins, etc.  The truth is, they are never used, because we find decades of dust on them.

Sometimes families move the entire household of a deceased relative to another state, only to clutter up their own homes.  This cycle is long, tiresome, and laborious, and the pattern needs to be stopped, or at least interrupted, so we can analyze why we do these things.  No wonder we’re all so tired, buying stuff, finding places for it, and then at some point, being forced to deal with it.  It will eventually become the proverbial monkey on our backs or our children’s backs.

Logic would dictate that we need to be free of it, in order to make our lives simple again.  It’s APRIL and the perfect time for SPRING CLEANING.  I’ll deal with my piles if you deal with yours!

© 2012 Julie Hall

Clean Out an Estate and Care for the Environment

| Julie Hall

Q:  While I’m cleaning out an estate, how can I also “go green” for the environment?

A:  Thank you for this excellent question.

Donating, recycling, and selling are less expensive than a dumpster and may provide cash for your unwanted items.  They may also provide a tax deduction or help out a worthy cause.  Use your imagination when deciding where things could go, other than black trash bags!  Can someone use your items in some form or fashion?  This is the ultimate in recycling.

Remember the following when cleaning out estates:

  • Have the neighbors in for free household chemicals, garden/yard tools, etc.
  • Create a donation network by discussing what you have to give.
  • Keep watch for charity drives in your community.
  • Web search for places to sell or donate items.
  • Gazelle.com, venjuvo.com, techforward.com and myboneyard.com all offer varying amounts of compensation for electronics.
  • Mygreenelectronics.com tells you where to find nearby recycling centers for electronics.
  • Paper, cardboard, and scrap metal are commodities that are traded.  Find a buyer in your local phone book.
  • Scrap metal and other household metals, photo frames, etc. are wanted by artists, or can be sold for scrap.
  • Charities are in a funding crisis; paper, books, games and toys help daycares, senior centers and after-school programs.  Give them a call; they are happy to give you a wish list.
  • Alzheimer’s facilities are always looking for clean linens, towels, etc.
  • Many religious organizations/groups set up homes for refugees, domestic abuse victims, pregnant women, disabled adults, etc.  They need many everyday items that you need to dispose.
  • Inventory the home before buying materials.  Garbage bags, boxes, and cleaning supplies are normally already in the house.
  • Worn sheets and towels, leashes and pet bowls are very much needed by local pet shelters.
  • Remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure!

Do your part to help!

© 2012 Julie Hall

The Wallet

| Julie Hall

Last week, I wrote about the things people leave behind in estates.  This week, I want to share with you a special find that not only surprised the daughter when I presented it to her, but helped to heal an old, yet still open, wound.

Their dad had died over 30 years ago, and the daughter had shared with me how very special dad was, and how she could feel his presence while she was disassembling the family home.  While going through a pile of stuff the realtor moved aside to stage the home, I found dad’s wallet and knew I had to keep it for the daughter.

The moment I opened the wallet, I remember being greeted by a kind face on the driver’s license staring back at me.  The wallet was filled with oodles of photos of his children and grandchildren.  I instinctively knew he was someone special.  So when I handed it to his daughter at the completion of our job, you could see the joy in her face.  We had indeed found a treasure among the ruins of taking apart the home.  It had been particularly rough for her, so this was like the prize at the bottom of the box — that special slice of serendipity that plops on your lap when you least expect it.  I love it when that happens.

Little did I know when she called me the next day, she had discovered a special order to the photographs in dad’s wallet.  Her brother’s photo was the first one, and underneath were stacked photos of her, her mom, grandkids, etc.  Instead of being bothered by that, she said the most amazing thing.  Her brother had battled a substance abuse problem in his youth that caused upheaval in the family and I can only assume the same for his interpersonal relationships.  And while the sibling had long been clean and sober, dad never lived long enough to see the wonderful person his son turned out to be.

Even though dad had been gone over three decades, he still had a message of love to send to both of his children.  The message was loud and clear: At a time when a parent is pushed to the limit of love and understanding in dealing with a substance issue, he never gave up on believing in or loving his son.

Today, I understand that son is an incredible man who found his inner strength and now helps others do the same.  May the finding of this small, yet powerful item bring both children peace and emotional closure, knowing how much their father loved them!

What We Find Left Behind

| Julie Hall

It’s always an eye-opening experience working in estates after the children have taken what they want and allow us to handle the remainder.  You just never know what you will find left behind.

Sometimes, we just find what you would expect, the items that should have been discarded 40 years ago – broken items from the attic, old appliances, clothing that needs to be donated, etc.  Other times, we find items that have value and we arrange to have them sold for the family.  And on occasion, we find items that leave us scratching our heads, or items that we can never speak of and promise to take that information to our graves.

We see it all: the love, the fights, the estrangements, the addictions, the sorrows, the secrets – all of which are carried through our lifetimes.

It is difficult to put into words when you find war medals of courage and valor left on the floor for disposal, or antique photos of people in the family that have been left in a pile for us to discard.  But we understand that every person has a story and we are not privy to their upbringing or lives, and therefore do not understand why they made the decisions they did.

Recently we found letters dating from the Civil War period, of a soldier who wrote home to his sister.  He wrote of the horrible conditions, how most of his comrades had died from dysentery, and that there wasn’t enough food to keep the soldiers strong.  He spoke of having no warmth through the winter months, but described it in such a way that he was not complaining.  It was fascinating to hear of life so long ago from a person who lived during those times, but the family took no interest.

Other things we find are scrapbooks, war letters between mom and dad, family Bibles with genealogy information inside the front cover, diaries, estate jewelry, guns, etc.

I guess it’s true what they say.  Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and one cannot predict what is in a person’s heart during such difficult times.

© 2012 Julie Hall

Bring “Oxygen” to Your Own Life

| Julie Hall

There never seems to be enough hours in the day.  If you are a caregiver, you know this better than anyone, for your schedule is not your own.  Yet, I have heard many of my elderly clients say, “You must make the time because it is important to your well-being.”  Here are some suggestions I have learned along the way that might bring some “oxygen” to your life, so you can breathe again.

  • You’re all you’ve got!  Make dates with your spouse and children to keep your sanity in check, and the bonds of relationships fresh.  This is imperative, so make yourself a promise to do this.
  • Rest and replenish, even if you have to steal private moments in the backyard, in prayer or meditation, or just sitting.
  • If you are experiencing guilt, anger, jealousy, resentment, etc., seek the assistance of close friends, a counselor, your minister or rabbi.  Realize that most of what you are feeling is perfectly normal.  Know when to seek professional help, if you become depressed, anxious, or experience feelings that are not normal.
  • Combat depression by finding time to engage in an activity that brings you pleasure — a walk with your children or grandchildren, writing in your journal, getting out to shop for 2 or 3 hours.  Respite care is available in many communities, just so you can rest from caregiving.
  • Pay attention to these things: sleeping, nutrition, exercise.  Eat as well as you can; snack on fruits (natural pick-me-up) and granola bars, plus plenty of water.  The brain is less tired when hydrated and your organs love it too.  Sleep is one of the first things we miss in stressful situations.  Instead of relying on sleep aids, try listening to soothing music, curling up with a good book, and cutting down on caffeine.
  • If your loved one is napping, pop a yoga DVD into the TV and do some stretching; very invigorating.  Better yet, if you can get away for an hour, go get a massage.
  • Listen to music during the day, preferably easy listening, classical, or other calming music.
  • Spiritual self-care: make time for reflection and spend time with nature.  Stay connected to your faith-based organization, or consider joining one.  Be open to inspiration that will come from others.  Surround yourself with kind and loving people.

© 2012 Julie Hall

Caregivers, Care for Yourself First

| Julie Hall

I find it hard to believe there is actually a word in the English language that could possibly describe what caregivers go through.  There can’t be.  What is experienced during the caregiving process is often a deep, emotional shift accompanied by confusion, frustration, even resentment for many.  Somewhere along the line, one loses oneself and their individuality blurs with the needs of the loved one.

Most are caregivers out of love and affection, and others caregive because it is not financially feasible to pay for professional care.  Perhaps a child has a strong desire to care for mom and dad, or possibly a sense of obligation.  They will caregive for as long as they can, only to surrender when they reach a point when they can no longer offer the quality of care the loved one really needs.  It make no difference what the scenario is — all have experienced the same emotional labor.

Who then will care for you, the caregiver?  Ultimately the answer is you.  We’ve all heard the saying: “You have to remain strong for those you care for, so please take care of yourself.”  But are caregivers really taking the time to replenish their bodies, minds, and souls?  If I were a betting lady, I would say no.

As a dutiful daughter myself, I would put my dad first at every turn, and would eventually become weak in body, mind and soul.  Lost somewhere between raising children and tending to fragile parents, there is a place called limbo, and we must prevent ourselves from going there by anchoring to a solid, stable place.

What I have learned along the way from my clients is that it is 100% necessary to tend to yourself.  This brings with it the image of being on an airplane; the flight attendant talks about placing the oxygen over your moutn before assisting others.  You do this because without you, others might perish.  The strong one must get stronger (have oxygen) before helping those who aren’t strong.  Place the mask over your face and “breathe.”  The same is true when your feet are on the ground, and you are a caregiver.

Next week, I have some specific suggestions to offer for the caregiver to administer “oxygen” to themselves first.

© 2012 Julie Hall

We are Stronger Than We Think

| Julie Hall

We just completed 3 estate clean-outs in a total of 36 hours.  For someone who is not familiar with the estate industry, this is pretty close to achieving the impossible, not to mention physically back-breaking and mentally grueling.  There were many moments during those 36 hours that negative thoughts crept into my mind when I was so tired, so frustrated, so in pain, still emotional from my recent loss of my mom and tending to dad, that I thought about quitting.  The Estate Lady® doesn’t quit anything; so for me to admit that is a huge deal.  My favorite mantra is “Failure is not an option,” which I borrowed from an old movie.

Coming home from each hard day’s work, I could feel the physical stiffness and arthritic pain take over.  Then the tears would come.  Then I just wanted to be left alone.  My thoughts swung from feeling great accomplishment to feeling so tired that I couldn’t think straight.

It was at those exhausted and weak moments I thought, “This is it — I can’t do this anymore.”  But I knew deep down that my love and passion for estate work and helping my clients go through the strain of the process was stronger than that.  How would I ever find the strength to keep going?

Just when I thought I couldn’t get up and go anymore, something good would happen and my strength, spirit, and faith were renewed.

I’ve talked with others recently who feel rather low these days.  I’d like to pass along a voice mail message a woman left me, who knew I was going through a lot lately.

“You are the type of person where blessings in life will always find you.  You are also the type of person who will find blessings in life for you and your family.”

I loved hearing this.  It meant someone out there thought enough of me as a person to know I do look for the simple, yet powerful blessings that come our way each day.  You have to open your eyes and heart to them, and then they appear.

So just when you think you can’t, you will find the strength and see that you can.  Remember, failure is not an option!

© 2012 Julie Hall

Vulnerable Parents Can Protect Themselves

| Julie Hall

If you read last week’s blog, this title sounds like a contradiction to that article.  Read on, and you’ll understand how parents can protect themselves and prepare their belongings for distribution without exploitation.

In my work of helping seniors appraise the worth of their personal property, or liquidating it, I have seen examples of unsavory human behavior during the process.  This comes from family, friends, neighbors, or strangers. 

In dealing with a lifetime accumulation of stuff, seniors are often at a vulnerable place in their lives and daunted by the task.  That’s when predators appear, driven by insensitive greed and persuasive powers.  These unscrupulous mischief makers could be stopped in their tracks if only the senior had the knowledge of how much their personal property was worth.  

They should also proactively create a master list of what they perceive to be treasures – either sentimental or financial.  Parents should use professional appraisers to valuate their possessions now, adding the appraiser’s report to the master list, to protect from unscrupulous people, either inside the family or from outside.

When seniors have avoided making these choices by doing nothing for their estate planning and distribution, they are actually making a decision with dire consequences.  I always recommend that seniors distribute their treasures personally now, or in writing for distribution at death.  When the gift is personally made, however, they have the satisfaction of seeing the joy on the face of the recipient!

If a personal transaction is not done, then the next best thing is to write down who gets what on a master list.  This master list should be kept safely with the will.  Both documents will almost always minimize family disputes and exploitation.

Problems generate when the children or close relatives are burdened with dealing with the death of the senior, the pressure of dealing with the estate, and the overwhelming task of disposing of the personal property.  Seniors who recognize their own responsibility in this matter and make the decisions themselves are practicing the best defense against family quarrels or exploitation in any guise!

© 2012 Julie Hall

Protect Your Vulnerable Parents

| Julie Hall

Your parents, especially those who live alone, are vulnerable to scams and schemes for three reasons.  First, seniors tend to be trusting.  They also may be lonely and sometimes distant from those who can protect them.  Senior parents are also vulnerable because they worry about their financial security.  Finally, scammers know that many seniors have money and valuable possessions.

Even though approximately 50 percent of elderly Americans are victims of financial exploitation, only 10 to 15 percent of the abuses are reported.

The following may indicate that your parents are being victimized:

  * Sudden bank account changes, especially an unexplained withdrawal of large sums of money
  * Unfamiliar long-distance telephone numbers, especially from overseas, on their monthly bill
  * Significantly lower standard of living (change in eating and shopping habits; unable to afford things they once afforded)
  * Selling higher-end items such as furniture, antiques, and so on
  * Sudden disappearance of valuable possessions
  * Increase in commercial or junk mail
  * Sudden change in behavior; symptoms of depression or anxiety
  * Increased worries over money

Your parents protected you when you were young with advice and example.  Look both ways before crossing the street, never speak to strangers, and a host of other suggestions were meant to protect you.  Sadly, our parents reach a point where they need us to protect them!

Here are six suggestions to protect your parents from scams and schemes:

1. Ask or discuss with your parents who has durable power of attorney.

2. Register your parents’ telephone numbers with the National Do Not Call registry (www.donotcall.gov).

3. Discuss with them the list of common frauds listed above.  Ask them to contact you if they suspect anyone is trying to defraud them.

4. Ask your parents to contact you if anyone offers to buy any of their possessions.

5. Make sure a family member personally visits your parents on a weekly basis.  If this is a challenge and you have other siblings, take turns.

6. Reduce junk mail for a small fee by going to either of these web sites: www.stopthejunkmail.com and http://mailstopper.tonic.com.

The National Center for Elder Abuse is an excellent resource for information on financial and other forms of abuse against senior citizens.  It publishes reports and conducts research on this growing problem.  NCEA’s mission is to promote understanding, knowledge sharing, and action on elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation.  Its web site also offers links to other excellent resources and organizations also devoted to protecting senior citizens.  Their web site is www.ncea.aoa.gov.

Honor your parents by standing between them and anyone who sees them as an easy target.

© 2012 Julie Hall

Sensible Shoes

| Julie Hall

I’ve always been a people watcher.  My attention was drawn to a young lady wearing the most obscene pair of shoes.  The heels were sky-high and the toes were so pointy, I could feel the gout pain flaring up in my own big toe and bunion.  I watched her walk with much difficulty, holding a stack of books in her arms.  But when she started up a set of stairs, those long pointy toes got in the way and she fell down, landing on her throat on the corner of an upper step with all her weight.  I ran over to see if she needed help, knowing her thyroid (among other things) would never be the same.

I couldn’t help but wonder why we make the decisions we do, and why we sometimes make life so much harder on ourselves than it has to be.  At the very least, why torment your feet — that glorious pair of bony attachments at the end of our legs that quite literally carry us through life?  Seems a shame to punish them when they are so loyal to us.

I see it every day in my estates.  We all carry too much.  We all have too much.  In fact, we have so much, we have trouble walking through our own lives carrying all our stuff.  We aren’t making sensible decisions because we are too preoccupied with how we look and how much we own.  What we all need is a good dose of sensibility.

There was a time when I wore stilettos (a very long time ago when I didn’t think about the damage it would do to me now at nearly 50).  Today I prefer the simplicity of going barefoot in my own home.  And for those times when going barefoot are not optional, I opt for good, sensible shoes.  While I have been the butt of jokes from my teenage daughter regarding shoe selection, I have reached a point in my mature life where comfort outweighs how I look.

As for me and my feet, we choose sensibility.  It’s my way of thanking them for carrying me through this obstacle-ridden journey of ours, and they in turn reward me with happy feet.

One less pain to deal with in life.

© 2012 Julie Hall