Finding the Good in the Bad

It’s never an easy thing, searching for the positive when “you know what” is hitting the fan.  Lately, a lot of it is hitting the fan for everyone I know.  If it isn’t one thing, we get slapped down by another.  So the thought occurred to me, “Is this my karma, or someone else’s that’s been thrust on me for the sake of experience?”  I’m a great person!  Why is everything going wrong?

Maybe I am just along for the ride, and the purpose is for me to learn from these experiences and share them.  But it sure feels like the world has gone mad … a captain who abandons his cruise ship and passengers, a scary time economically, political and government issues that never seem to get resolved … an uncertain future.

So, how can we find the good in the bad?

I think acceptance of some of the bad is part of it.  Poop happens.  It’s how we handle it that separates the good people from the not-so-good people.  I also think having as good an outlook as possible is another big part of it.  Every generation has seen historic events that are less than stellar, whether a world war, the great depression, disease, famine, etc.

Another thought is spreading your inner light to those who have it rougher than you, and there are plenty of people who have it rougher.  If your light is bright, there is no better time than now to let it radiate to those around you.

As mom always said, “Julie, you need to take the negative and find a way to turn it around into a positive.” 

Recently, I found myself in a situation where I really wanted to verbally blast someone who I felt was incompetent.  I was so irate; I wanted to yell at them and give them a piece of my mind!  But instead, something came out of my mouth that shocked even me.  I simply looked at the person and said, “I don’t want to add to the problem or be a part of the problem.  I want to be part of the solution.”  When that left my mouth, I was suddenly empowered by my own words.

It must have been a higher power that planted those words in my mouth, because they saved me much aggravation and actually helped solve the problem.  I recommend trying it sometime!

© 2012 Julie Hall

We Found This Unforgettable Letter in an Estate

“Please Take Care of This for Me” – borrowed from Robert N. Test, author

“The day will come when my body will lie determined by doctors to be without life.  When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine.  And don’t call it my deathbed.  Call it my Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby’s face, or the love in the eyes of a significant other.  Give my heart to the person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.  Give my blood to a teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of a car, so he might live to see his grandchildren play.  Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist.  Take my bones, every nerve and muscle to find a way to make a crippled child walk.

Explore every corner of my brain.  Take my cells if necessary, and make them grow so one day a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.

Burn what is left and scatter my ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil; give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs it.  If you do all that I have asked, I will live forever.”

© 2012 Julie Hall

When Your Loved One Dies

A parent or grandparent has just passed away, and you are responsible for their estate liquidation.  What do you do?  Here are the most important practical steps to take, as you begin this process.

  1. Change the locks on the estate immediately to prevent unscrupulous heirs from entering.  While this will ruffle some feathers, it is absolutely the right thing to do to protect the assets from disappearing — and they will.
  2. Secure the valuables, jewelry, money, sterling, artwork, etc. in a safe deposit box (if the executor has a safe at home) or other secure location with the understanding that the storage is just temporary.  Never leave valuables in a vacant home as it will become a target.  Also, this is not an excuse for heirs to “help themselves.”  The executor will need to take charge and remain firm.
  3. Look for a cash stash.  Many people, particularly seniors, tend to hide money in places you would never think to look.  If memory impairment was evident, leave no stone unturned because valuable items can surface in the strangest places.  But remember too, a loved one with dementia will also give things away.
  4. Search for important papers: will/trust, tax documents, papers for house/car, deeds, any inventory or appraisals, anything with family history documented, life insurance documents, etc.
  5. Hire a professional certified personal property appraiser who is well-respected in the community to review the contents of the estate and ascertain what has value vs. what doesn’t.  The appraiser can also act as a consultant who can advise on the distribution of the contents.  They should never offer to buy what they appraise; that’s a conflict of interest.
  6. Knowing ahead of time if there will be contentious moments with heirs and if you suspect trouble, get that appraisal report and divide the estate as equitably as possible, unless the loved one left specific instructions otherwise.
  7. High end personal property should always be sent to an upper-tier auction gallery.  Have it professionally valuated to see which auction it should go to.  If liquidating the estate and it contains good, usable contents and plenty of small items, antiques and collectibles, hire a professional estate liquidator.  (www.ASELonline.com)
  8. Whoever you choose to hire, investigate them first by contacting the BBB, ask and check professional references, and make sure their company is registered in the state.  Not every company is as it seems.  You want a pro you can trust.

© 2012 Julie Hall

Sometimes Life’s an Oxymoron

A potential client sat in her parent’s affluent home asking my opinion as to how we should handle the dissolution of the property.  In this case, I recommended a combination of auction and donation because it was not suitable for a good estate sale.  Imagine my shock when she basically refused the very idea of donation.  This was foreign to me.  With so many out there in need, and her being financially blessed, I just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want the towels, linens, kitchen items, and clothing donated.  I left the home not knowing what to make of it.  This appeared to be a picture of an uncharitable heart … hold that thought.

On Christmas Eve, our family went to a candlelight service.  Feeling a little blue because mom passed away and everything feeling weird without her, my father, family and I went to the service in hopes it would lift our Christmas spirit. 

A small boy no older than 4 years old was wheeled in front of me.  There, in a wheelchair that looked like something from outer space with every gadget and gismo attached, was this very tiny child with the most angelic face I had ever seen.  He was beautiful with his blonde hair and blue eyes and looked like “Tiny Tim” from A Christmas Carol

He was completely helpless and dependent on his parents.  The child could not move any of his limbs and stared up at the ceiling.  He never made a sound.  Finally, his father unbelted him from his lifeline and picked him up.  The boy was as limp as a ragdoll and showed no sign of life other than his eyes being open. 

At first, dad held him on his lap and he repeatedly kissed the boy on the forehead.  Then mom held him and she would rub his hair playfully, talk to him and kiss his cheeks.  Their faces and eyes held the most amazing peace.  I thought to myself, Now, that’s love.  What an amazing example of love, compassion, and acceptance.

When you witness something as beautiful as that, and then meet other people who seem to have so much but are not willing to share any, it’s a little difficult to understand human nature. 

I did not hear the minister’s message on Christmas Eve, because I was so engrossed in observing this family with their boy.  When I realized I missed the bulk of the service, I just smiled to myself, knowing the message I had received was much more powerful —  and a tender reminder that we have so much to be thankful for. 

© 2012 Julie Hall

“Would Anyone Like Some Hot Chocolate?”

It was all I could think to say with a weary smile on my face.  The tension was thick as I sat in the middle of a nasty fight between three heirs, all feeling threatened, all feeling they were just in their opinions, all throwing insults and trying to out-jab the other.  After seeing a box of hot chocolate in the kitchen, I removed myself from the boxing ring and made hot chocolate for the four of us.  I had never done anything like that before.  Something moved me to do it.

As I served the hot chocolate without saying a word, the heirs stopped bickering, fell silent and just watched, wondering “What is that Estate Lady doing?”  I calmly said, “Bet you didn’t think The Estate Lady was going to serve you hot chocolate today, did you?  That’s not really part of my job description!”

The distraction worked as everyone chuckled and it disarmed the situation long enough for me to explain why everyone was so upset.  Once I was able to mediate, it all went very smoothly, each having a clearer understanding of why the upset broke out in the first place, often caused by their own misperceptions.

As we each sipped the hot chocolate, it seemed to bring us back to frosty childhood days, bundled up so tight we couldn’t move.  Maybe it was the flavor of the chocolate, maybe it was the smell or the warmth as it traveled into our bodies to take the chill off.

Sometimes, you just need to take a little break, sit back, and sip a little hot chocolate.  It did wonders for us!

© 2011 Julie Hall

How A Senior Party Changed Me Forever

I’d like to share a special memory from two years ago as we prepare for the new year ahead.

It was a spur-of-the-moment invitation from my 78 yr. old mother.   While visiting my parents out-of-state, Mom announced she bought me a ticket to their senior holiday dinner and dance party at the local clubhouse.  Knowing it would make them happy, I obliged, but wasn’t exactly ready to kick up my heels just yet.  How much fun could it really be?

The clubhouse was nothing fancy — it was reminiscent of a church basement or school gym, devoid of color though there were a few decorations on the wall.   In front of the small bingo stage was the collapsible black sound system from the hired DJ, complete with a disco ball spinning crystal-like dots on the walls and a lighted 3 ft. Santa next to his unit.   The floor was exceptionally shiny, as if someone had spent hours buffing and polishing it to perfection, meant just for dancing.

With roughly 40 seniors present, dinner was served.  We all waited in line, cafeteria style, to be served our food – a very simple meal of roast beef, green beans and a roll with coffee or water.   Dessert would be homemade cakes from some of the neighborhood ladies.   Styrofoam plates in hand, we waited patiently as everyone got the same amount of food.

During our meal, the DJ came alive and it was obvious he loved his job.  The beat from Glen Miller’s  “In the Mood” was evident in my tapping feet, shoulder motions and bobbing head – was that me actually having fun?  Dare I say the fun was just beginning…

Mesmerized by the fantastic selection of 40’s and 50’s music and jazz beats that made you want to get up and bounce all over the dance floor, the seniors suddenly came alive, as if their simple meal had fueled their fire.  Some with canes, others with oxygen, still others like my mother afflicted with heart disease – it didn’t matter to them – they got up and started dancing like they were young again!!

Before my very eyes, the music became their magic. Transported back to the 1940’s, the hands of time literally spun backwards to return them to their prime in life.  No longer weak or frail, they would have easily danced their boomer children into a state of exhaustion.   This was their night and they proudly took ownership of it.

Over the course of the evening, I found myself looking closely at the old men’s weathered faces.  They didn’t look old to me anymore.   It was like watching an episode of Star Trek when they were brought back in time wearing their U.S. military uniforms and the ladies’ vibrant and shiny hair had curls and they had small waists, just like in the old movies.

But the most moving part of the evening was how they looked at each other.  Couples who had been married for 50-60 years still gazed upon each other with love and affection – I even caught a glimpse of an elderly man stroking his wife’s face while they danced. I had to fight the tears back because mom told me that lady was fighting an illness.  This, I thought, was true commitment.

They had survived the Great Depression and one of the world’s most devastating wars, and raising us!  These were people who simply did what needed to be done.  They are fiercely loyal, still loved America, and always had a strong work ethic.

For one night, for a few hours, they didn’t care about their diseases, ailments, aches and pains.  They only wanted to let their hair down and have a memorable time.  There I sat, a 48-year-old daughter, who found herself in love with each of them – for the way they laughed, for the way they did the “Twist,” for the way they treated each other with smiles galore and twirling about as if today were their last day on earth.

The thought crossed my mind, as it probably did theirs, that our time is indeed limited, for some more than others.  How is it they could dance and enjoy fellowship with such carefree smiles and attitude?  Because they love life and offered each other the best gift anyone could possible receive.  They gave the gift of simple joy.  The gave the gift of each other.

I found myself deeply moved by what I saw that evening.   Ours has become a world of convenience, and often inconvenience.  A place where people are always saying “What’s in it for me?” and a place where we don’t see as much care and concern for each other, as there was in our parents’ generation.

I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge visiting a strange place and time, who saw the light and got the meaning in just the few hours they allowed me to share with them. I feel so very honored to have witnessed such a gift.  Our seniors truly are our greatest asset, and we have much to learn from them.  All we need to do is open our eyes, ears and hearts.

© 2011 Julie Hall

The Hawk

I sat in the car at the parking lot of the assisted living where we just placed Dad, and was feeling very alone one wintry morning last week.  With the heat on full blast and tissues in hand, I said a prayer in the car to take away some of the tears and difficult changes my family has gone through lately.  After wiping my eyes, I looked up and saw her.

There she stood at the very top of a large, leafless maple tree with the morning fog and the chill of winter all around her.  She was the very definition of strength and majesty, looking as if she owned the universe.  But there was a fragility about her too.  In her solitude, she surveyed her surroundings with confidence, but I am sure even a bird of prey has doubts.  After all, she didn’t know where her next meal was coming from.  I felt sorry for her that she was all alone, not fully understanding that is their nature.

I started to see a parallel between myself and the hawk.  It happens to all of us as we walk through life.  We find ourselves lonely at times and our lives feeling barren due to certain circumstances.  For me, it was my mother’s recent passing and placing Dad in assisted living.  For the majority of us, this is the ebb and flow of things, and we have good times and not so good times.  If we are wise, we grow with these circumstances so we can be an example to those around us, especially our children and grandchildren.

This hawk reminded me that there are times we have to walk this journey solo in order for us to have a more meaningful understanding of life, grow strong, remain strong, and just keep looking for the good in what comes next.  As I put my car in reverse, the hawk suddenly swooped down and was victorious in finding her next meal.  Patience and the passage of time paid off.  We just need to remember that.

© 2011 Julie Hall

Permission to Let Go

The last two weeks were spent cleaning out Mom and Dad’s home.  Mom passed in October and Dad is moving closer to me here in Charlotte this week.  For 20 years, I have served others in doing this very task.  What a bittersweet experience and very cleansing for me.  Plenty of tears but even more smiles, which is the way Mom would have wanted it.  So many memories came flooding in!

In cleaning out Mom’s closets, I was reminded of a conversation she and I had a few months ago.  Wearing her robe, she escorted me to her closet one morning and pointed out 4 large Xerox boxes full of family photos from long ago.  There, stacked neatly on the top shelf, these boxes took up quite a bit of space she couldn’t even reach.

Mom sighed and said, “Julie, when I die, I want you to take these boxes and throw them out or do whatever you want with them.  They are photos of people you do not know; I don’t even know them all.  So I am relieving you of the guilt my mother put on me. Get rid of them.”  It was an Ah-Ha moment.

Standing before the closet without Mom by my side and feeling the pain of that solitude, that memory came shining through.  I suddenly felt much lighter emotionally and physically, knowing I had her permission to do what I felt necessary. 

Letting go.  What a beautiful gift to give our children.  We can’t hold onto everything, and releasing our loved ones from the guilt that binds us, offers peace we wouldn’t have otherwise.  Thank you, Mom!

© 2011 Julie Hall

What Currently Has Value?

Q: What currently has value or is selling fairly well?

A:  Reader, thank you for this question, and it is the million dollar question.  The answer is “not much” these days, except the following:

  • Precious metals/fine estate jewelry
  • Certain scrap metals
  • Electronics/home furnishings
  • Mid-century furnishings (1950s and 1960s)
  • High-end antiques, art, etc.
  • Used gas-efficient cars

And, believe it or not, utilitarian items such as kitchenware, linens, clothing, etc are selling very well at estate sales.

Keep in mind that even the bottom half of this list is not bringing in what it has in the past.  If a collector wants something bad enough, they will dig deep for a special item, but we are not seeing it as much as we used to. 

I fully expect prices on second-hand furniture (especially traditional, dark furniture) to continue to drop in price, as will real estate markets, land, larger vehicles, and many luxury items.

We are in for a bumpy ride, friends!

© 2011 Julie Hall

 

Sometimes There is No Second Chance

We are mortal beings.  On a subconscious level, we all know our days are finite.  Why then don’t we appreciate more the people close to our hearts, and tell them each and every day that we love them?  Why do so many put it off and procrastinate?

I’ve had hundreds of clients dealing with past hurts, power struggles, estrangements, and unresolved issues.  Then someone dies suddenly; you can no longer converse with them in person once they leave this earthly plane.  It is then impossible to make things right and you carry that heaviness with you the rest of your life.

I didn’t know my mom was going to die so suddenly four weeks ago.  My parting words to my mother in this life were as we parted every day.  “Take care, mom.  I’ll see you soon.  I love you.”  But her response was what has given me peace, even though she passed 8 hours after this conversation.  She simply said, “I love you too.” and said it with conviction.

Though I am in a fog of grief right now, and dealing with a dear father who is struggling with Alzheimer’s disease, I’ve seared into my mind those joyous last words between mother and daughter.  These words made me understand she always felt that way and clearly demonstrated the love between us.  What a beautiful gift I shall cherish the rest of my days.

Pick up your cell phone, and call a loved one you have been meaning to call for a while.  Call your mom or dad if you are fortunate enough to still have them, and say “I love you.”  Sometimes tomorrow never comes.

© 2011 Julie Hall