Mom Refuses to Create a Will

| Julie Hall

Thanks to another reader for this excellent question.

Q:  My mother refuses to have a Last Will and Testament drawn up.  She doesn’t want to hear about the ramifications that would be present if she died without a will.  It hurts me to think she will not take care of this matter.  How can I get her to listen?

A:  You are certainly not alone in your concerns for your mother.  For each of us, facing our own mortality can never be a pleasant thing.  Yet preparing a will and other legal documents is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our loved ones.  When you prepare a will, you assure that things are done according to your wishes when you pass away.

I recommend that you contact an attorney or paralegal.  While I am not one, I can share with you many situations where I am brought into an estate where the individual died intestate (without a will).  What a complete nightmare!  I wouldn’t wish that horrible mess on anyone, let alone my loved ones.

The attorneys/state get deeply involved, creditors hassle the family, family members are in a constant state of unrest, and any money from the estate often goes right out the door, instead of going to loved ones.  It is grueling and time consuming, not to mention distressing and miserable!  When you don’t have a will, you doom your heirs to potentially years spent closing your estate.  Why would you knowingly do that?

We go to great lengths to preserve our heirlooms and other personal property.  Since we can’t take them with us when we pass away, doesn’t it make sense to make preparations for all that you worked hard for in your lifetime, and protect that with a will or trust and other legal paperwork?  It makes sense to me!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Announcing my new book!

| Julie Hall

“A Boomer’s Guide to Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less” is finally ready!  It is currently available as an e-book which you can download and print out (http://www.booksonboard.com/index.php?BODY=viewbook&BOOK=686132).  Within the next two weeks, it will be available in print also.  I’ll include an update here on my blog when it has been released in print.

More than a “How-To” guide, A Boomer’s Step-by-Step Guide to Cleaning Out Your Parents’ House in 30 Days or Less is a “What To Do, When, and Why” take-along manual packed with meticulously compiled checklists, resources, and information. You are given logical, easy-to-follow steps so that you can literally clean out your parents’ house in less than 30 days. Best of all, you are given advice from a nationally acclaimed expert who has “seen it all” on how to do this for your own peace of mind and keep everyone’s best interests at heart.

Separate sections of this book cover practical checklists and resources to use when your parents are living and still in their home, when one or both parents are in failing health, and when parents have died and the estate remains.  This book includes many worksheets, checklists, and forms you will need to effectively handle cleaning out your parents’ home.  I want you to tuck this guide in your pocketbook or briefcase and use it throughout the process: my wisdom and experience at your fingertips.

Those of you who have read my first book, or read this blog for very long, know that I want to educate you.  That’s my goal!  There is a lack of information out there that handles cleaning out an estate, or dividing the estate contents equitably and without fighting.  I want to create helpful and very practical guides that cut through to the essentials, and give you all the tools to educate yourself and then do the task effectively.

© 2010 Julie Hall

My Sibling is the Problem

| Julie Hall

This week, I’m answering another great question from a reader.

Q:  I am the executor of my mother’s estate.  There are 4 children and one of them is being problematic, even accusing me of things I haven’t done and have no intention of doing.  Is there something I can do to help this situation, because she is not speaking with me and causing everyone great distress?  She wants everything in Mom’s house that is valuable and is not willing to share.  Mom specified everything be split 4 ways equally.  Any help would be appreciated!

A:  In my profession, I see this more often than I would like to admit.  Sometimes the glue of the family begins to disintegrate once both parents pass away.  If one sibling is being difficult, he or she is really calling out for some type of assistance, and it requires great patience and grace to get to the root of the problem.  In some cases, the difficulty can lie in a form of guilt or resentment that this sibling is feeling.  Perhaps they never got the chance to make something right with the loved one before their passing, or felt cheated during their life by the one who just died.  Envy can also play an important role in the behavior of siblings during this difficult time.

Here’s what to do to help this situation.  Write each sibling a letter as the executor.  Share with them the feelings and fears you have about this situation.  Be honest and direct and encourage a family meeting.  Offer each sibling the opportunity to speak, one at a time.  Ask the problematic sibling to tell you what they desire and why.   What would make them feel better?  Really listen to each other.

Have an appraiser evaluate the contents of the home before anything is removed.   Keep a spreadsheet for each sibling and what they would like to have.  Make certain each takes approximately the same financial amount, based on the appraisal.  If one has considerably less assets, make up for it with cash assets, if all siblings agree.  Select items in mom’s house in order of birth and then reverse the order to make it fair, or draw names out of a hat.

Being an executor is probably the most difficult task you might ever experience.  It will test the core of your being!  Lead with your heart, keep compassion on the forefront of your mind to remain fair and objective, and most of all, honor your mother’s memory by being respectful of her and her lifelong possessions.  This is about your mother’s wishes, not your sibling’s!

© 2010 Julie Hall

A Word About Blended Families

| Julie Hall

Today, I’m answering a question from a reader.

Q: We have a blended family with grown children that are my husband’s, mine, and ours together.  We are long retired, the children are grown, and we know it is time to make some serious decisions about our estate and division of heirlooms.  For years, two of our children have been bickering over one piece in particular.  Naturally we want to be fair, but I think our biggest concern is if one of the children gets an heirloom that doesn’t really belong to them because they are not from that side of the family.  How can we handle this delicately?

A: About 40% of my clients have challenges with their blended family and personal property distribution.  Here are a few basic guidelines; stick with these.

Though children grow into adults, they still need our guidance.  At this stage, it is vital that you provide your children with precise directions for the time of your death.  Offer your children your last wishes, documents regarding heirlooms, Last Will and Testament, Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, etc.  An attorney can help you prepare these documents, which are absolutely necessary.

As for heirlooms, engage in a frank discussion with your husband first.  Pull out a notepad and write down all of your decisions regarding all of your children and what you think each one should have.  Remember, if you do this for one child, you must do it for all of them.  It might be wise to enlist the help of an appraiser/personal property expert to help you ascertain the values of these possessions to keep the distribution financially equivalent for each child.

Keep a spreadsheet naming each child, then list the heirlooms that belong to each “bloodline”.  Next, call a family meeting with you, your husband, and your children only — No spouses of the children should be present.  It is best to do this in person, otherwise, make individual phone calls.  Share with your children your wishes and that you have documented who gets what and their current monetary values.

Make sure each child gets a copy of this document and make it very clear that there will be no feuding because these are your wishes and decisions.

Many clients leave it at that, which I do not recommend.  My suggestion is to arrange the transfer of that heirloom to the children while you are alive.  This way, fewer “mistakes” can happen after your death, and you will know everyone got everything you wanted them to have.  Peace of mind is a beautiful thing!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Keep Their Memory Alive

| Julie Hall

The journey from your parents’ first signs of decline to the day their house is finally emptied may be long and difficult, filled with more stress and sorrow than you deserve.  Now that the casseroles are finished, the cards are read, and the relatives have returned home, what can you do to keep their memory alive?

Here are several ways you and your family can honor your parents and enjoy them forever.

  1. Plant a tree in their memory.  One family planted a silver maple tree – mom’s favorite – at the assisted living center where she lived.  It’s just a few blocks from her grave and remains a living memory of her.
  2. Distribute cuttings from a favorite plant. 
  3. Share favorite recipes.  Create a small recipe book of mom and dad’s favorite recipes and distribute to the relatives.
  4. Keep the fishing trip alive.  Harold took his two sons on a fishing trip to remote Ontario every spring.  The spring after his death, those sons planned a fishing trip with their own sons and daughters.  It’s now an annual tradition.
  5. Create a memory book.  Remember all those boxes of photos you found when you cleared your parents’ home?  Scan them on to a computer and create a memory book to share with the family.  Or, take those old home movies and transfer them to DVDs and distribute to the family.
  6. Give a lifelong gift.  Many families contribute to charities and causes in memory of their parents.  You don’t have to be extremely wealthy and have a building named after you to make a difference.  One family pays for an annual scholarship that allows one underprivileged child to go to YMCA camp every summer — in the name of their parents.  Another family pays for the Vacation Bible School supplies at their church each year, since mom always loved to teach children.
  7. Make a family DVD.  Local video companies can document family members sharing their memories of parents.
  8. Recreate your parents’ presence.  This looks different for every family.  Did Dad always smell of Old Spice aftershave lotion?  Was there always Glenn Miller music playing at mom’s house when the family arrived?  Create tangible reminders that can brighten a sad day or a family celebration for years to come.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Is it Time to Make a Change?

| Julie Hall

Whether due to unsettling financial crisis or a “blessed event” in your family, it may be time to change your will.  How long has it been since you reviewed your will?  There’s no time like the present to find your will and review your decisions and circumstances related to your final wishes.

You can change or update a will at any time.  An amendment to the will is referred to as a codicil.  I recommend you consult an attorney when you change a will as some changes are considered minor, and some may require a completely new will.

Here are some reasons for updating a will:

  • The family changes due to a birth, adoption, marriage, divorce, or death.
  • Major changes occur in the amount of property owned.
  • Tax laws change (federal and state).
  • Residence changes from one state to another.
  • The executor or guardian can no longer serve.
  • You decide – for any reason – to change the distribution of your property.

Remember, you must be careful to match the beneficiaries in your will to your other financial assets as well.  

Two more important reminders:

  1. Keep the  original will in a safe place such as a fireproof lock box or a bank safe deposit box.
  2. Make sure the family knows where the will is kept.  I recommend that all members of the immediate family know where the will is kept, as a precaution.  The executor should have a copy of the will, or know where it is kept and have a key to access the will immediately, if needed. 

If you have taken my advice and created a master list of your valuable possessions, their estimated or appraised value, and who you have chosen to receive each item, keep that master list with the original will.  Be sure that the executor and the immediate family have a copy of the list.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Why You Should Never Keep Things in the Attic

| Julie Hall

After cleaning out estates for almost 20 years, my assistant and I have a saying I’d like to share: “People shouldn’t put stuff in attics.  They’re young when they put it up there, and when they finally think about cleaning it out, they are too old.”  Somewhat comical, it holds a ring of truth as well.  I’ve seen so many attics in my lifetime; I can predict with 98% accuracy what’s up there and the position it is placed in!

It’s pretty amazing to consider that the majority of people you know have full attics.  What’s even more amazing is that 90% of what is in the attic is no longer usable; it can’t even be donated anymore because it has passed its’ expiration date!  Some people store clothing, floral arrangements, cardboard boxes they think they will use again, lawn furniture, electronics that for whatever reason no longer performed well, or they were broken altogether.  So I must ask the question, “If they didn’t work then, why were they stored in the attic for 40 years?”  Why weren’t they just discarded to begin with?  Herein lies one difference between the generations. 

The younger Boomers, Generation X and Y, do not want clutter or anything that is considered garbage laying around the house.  It simply doesn’t belong there if it can’t be used or enjoyed.

Your attic is a breeding ground for critters: furry, slithery, creepy-crawly, and little un-named things in the dark that gnaw and poop, often at the same time.  Clothing get eaten or rot, any kind of plastic will become brittle, dolls’ faces decompose, quilts disintegrate, old trains rust, furs fall apart, cardboard flakes in your hands, and old electronics that were obsolete then are still obsolete.

Let’s not forget the smell!!  You know the smell I am referring to — that mildewy, mold-like stench that refuses to dissipate and only irritates your respiratory system from the moment you step into the attic.

I believe the original intent of attics was simply to hold things like luggage and some Christmas decorations.  But if the hundreds, maybe thousands of attics I have stepped into are any indication, we treat them as another home that simply holds things we are too tired to deal with.  So we keep stuffing it up there, where no one goes to look.  You know the old saying: “Out of sight, out of mind.”  That might be so … until you pass away and your loved ones need to empty it in the midst of grieving.

Use the Estate Lady’s rule of thumb: If you haven’t used it, haven’t seen it, or had no need for it in 6 – 12 months, let go of it!  It will only be a burden to someone else one day!

© 2010 Julie Hall

“Spring Cleaning” with a Purpose

| Julie Hall

It’s that time of year when most of us feel obligated to do “spring cleaning”.  At least we attempt to clean windows, wash curtains, clean out the garden shed, and other tasks we dislike doing the rest of the year.  Give your cleaning a purpose this year, and see if it puts an optimistic outlook on this annual routine.

This year, consider what you can give to someone who has a need.  Not just the ugly Christmas gift from Aunt Edna, but look around for those things that you never use.  With continued economic challenges facing families, used items (in good condition) are in such demand.  Charities are stretched to meet extreme needs with very limited resources.

Meanwhile, we have garages full of “stuff” that we don’t really need, but we aren’t willing to part with, or we don’t know where to donate.  Make some calls to churches, local community charities, local shelters.  Did you know that Shriners collect old eyeglasses?  Do you realize that many shelters can use bed sheets and towels, or that local veterinarians often can use towels?  Have you got some books and magazines that the folks at the retirement center would enjoy? 

Here’s a list to help you decide what can be donated:

  • clothing of all kinds: shoes, coats, suits, dresses
  • linens, towels, bed sheets
  • older upholstered or wood furniture: sofas, chairs, bookcases
  • electronics, computers, telephones
  • non-perishable food, if before the expiration date (to shelters or food banks)
  • tools and equipment
  • kitchenware
  • craft supplies
  • durable medical equipment: wheelchairs, walkers, canes
  • prescription eye glasses
  • office equipment and supplies
  • books and magazines
  • toys your children outgrow

Start clearing out those things that you don’t use; now you have a purpose and a plan.  As for washing the windows, sorry, you’re on your own for that task!

© 2010 Julie Hall

The Art of Procrastination

| Julie Hall

Why do some procrastinate when dealing with death, caregiving, and other challenging issues?  That is the million-dollar question!

Some of us are exceptionally good at doing things and tending to every imaginable task, like it or not.  Some of us are followers that are very good at taking direction from the doers.  Still, others are extremely skilled at procrastination and avoiding the elephant in the room, even if it must be dealt with.

In my 20 year professional quest for the answer to procrastination, I am reminded of an image we have all seen in old “spaghetti westerns”, the old cowboy pushing and cursing at his stubborn donkey to get up and go!  The same is true for our clients, relatives, and friends.  Never is it more unnerving than when you are trying to settle an estate, handle issues related to an illness or the death of a loved one, and the decision maker is — dare I say it — a procrastinator.

Why do some procrastinate? 

First, they don’t have the ability to, or simply can’t, deal with the issue at hand.  Perhaps it is too emotional, or they are just indecisive people to begin with and tackle all life’s issues in this manner.

Second, they simply don’t want to handle this issue.  Often, but not always, these personality types ill allow people who are doers to come in and take over the reins (literally).  With people like this, I always map out a plan — here’s what happens first, second, etc.  They like to know what is going on, but don’t necessarily desire to be a part of the process.

Third, why deal with it today when I don’t have to?  There’s not much I can say about this type.  I have seen many unexpected deaths in my line of work, and to me, there’s no time like the present.  Why put it off when it has to be done anyway?  Just do it!

There is no known cure for procrastination.  One would think that time and experience would teach people not to put things off.  Since the beginning of time, people have put things off because they didn’t want to think or act.  That’s why so many people perish without having even a basic will, let alone having many other vital issues discussed and planned out. 

Procrastination is a bad word.  Planning, while you are in control and have your say, is a beautiful gift to everyone around you!

“Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.”  ~~Napoleon Hill

© 2010 Julie Hall

Why No One Wants Grandma’s China

| Julie Hall

Have you seen the prices of china services lately, outside the retail market?  What a nosedive!  China services, from my perspective, are low and heading lower.  Several reasons explain this.

  1. Too much supply, not enough demand.  Our Depression Era mothers who loved their china are sadly passing away.  This will flood the market with a huge supply.
  2. Our Boomer generation already have their china services and don’t have the space to take more, because we have too much already.
  3. The Boomer’s children, Generation X and Y, have no interest in it whatsoever.  They simply do not want grandmother’s “old stuff.”
  4. Generation X and Y want to visit IKEA and buy an everyday set in their colors, and when they tire of the color, go buy another set in a year.  Why?  They come in great colors and are affordable.

So as you can see, we have a definite downward turn in the market.  There are some very fine porcelain manufacturers in the world and some of them are extraordinarily and beautiful.  There will always be some people in the world who will pay exceptionally well for a china service, because they feel it is heirloom quality.  The question is: will they want it?  And will they ever get the $$$$ back out of it.  The majority of the time, the answer is no.

Are there some clients who are grossly disappointed by this?  Oh, yes!  My elderly female clients are aware the grandchildren don’t want these things.  They have confided in me that they wish the grandchildren did, because the china was so important to them and their generation.  People change, and times change!

Rarely do we entertain anymore, let alone cook.  Most women will tell you they do not desire that cooking and cleaning overload, after a tiring week at work.  Remember that our mothers generally did not work out of the home.  Today’s woman is a professional multi-tasker, part of the sandwich generation, works full time, travels, raises kids, care-gives for older parents, and is absolutely exhausted!! 

If today’s woman can’t put it in the dishwasher, she doesn’t want to use it.  Our mothers washed it all by hand, and with pride! 

These are my thoughts on why china, like Hummel figurines, is almost a thing of the past.  The young girls are simply not interested.

© 2010 Julie Hall