How Not to Become One of the Estate Lady’s Sad Stories

March 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

In my book and in many of my articles, I tell stories of estates I have handled with sad outcomes; either the parents were unprepared when death came, or there are serious and tragic family rivalries over possessions. These stories are avoidable with preparation. Real stories, every bit the truth, seem to stick with people better than a list of reasons.

The best protection against family rivalries is an updated will from your parents, along with preparation and preplanning with mom and dad. So, here’s how NOT to become one of my sad stories in a future book or article.

Encourage your parents to create a wish list of what they want to give and to whom, and distribute copies to every child or heir. This way, everyone has a copy, and if they are unhappy, they have to take it up with the parents while they are still alive.
Understand that you are not entitled to anything unless someone gives you an inheritance or a gift. Your parents can do whatever they want with their estate. Just being their child does not guarantee you an inheritance. If you receive an inheritance, be exceptionally thankful.
Understand that settling an estate is one of the most difficult things you and your siblings will go through, especially during the division of personal property. Chances are pretty good you won’t be pleased with the outcome of what you walk away with, but be thankful anyway.
Remember that this is not about you; it’s about what your parents want. This is why it is imperative that a last will and testament and other legal documents be drawn up by an attorney. You should encourage your parents to make decisions prior to infirmity or death.

Know the Plan

March 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

Knowledge is power. The more facts you know about your parents’ estate plans, the less you will have to decide on your own later. Make sure everyone in the family has talked with them about their estate planning and their final wishes. It is imperative that you know the following:

Is there a will?
Where is the will?
Where is a copy of the will?
Is the will updated? A will should be reviewed every 10 years or sooner. If there is no will, enlist the help of an estate planning attorney; discuss health care issues and trusts as well.
Do you know who the executor is?
Do you know who your parents’ attorney is?
Do you know who your parents’ financial planner is?
Do you know what to do if your parents have to move to assisted living?
Do you know your parents’ end-of-life wishes?

Ask these questions now, and have the vital conversations as a family now, before you have to make decisions and locate valuable information in the midst of a crisis.

Bring “Oxygen” to Your Life

March 1, 2010 | Julie Hall

There never seems to be enough hours in the day. If you are a caregiver, you know this better than anyone, for your schedule is not your own. Yet, I have heard many of my elderly clients say, “You must make the time because it is important to your well-being.” Here are some suggestions I have learned along the way that might bring some “oxygen” to your life, so you can breathe again.

You’re all you’ve got! Make dates with your spouse and children to keep your sanity in check, and the bonds of relationships fresh. This is imperative, so make yourself a promise to do this.
Rest and replenish, even if you have to steal private moments in the backyard, in prayer or meditation, or just sitting.
If you are experiencing guilt, anger, jealousy, resentment, etc., seek the assistance of close friends, a counselor, your minister or rabbi. Realize that most of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Know when to seek professional help, if you become depressed, anxious, or experience feelings that are not normal.
Combat depression by finding time to engage in an activity that brings you pleasure — a walk with your children or grandchildren, writing in your journal, getting out to shop for 2 or 3 hours. Respite care is available in many communities, just so you can rest from caregiving.
Pay attention to these things: sleeping, nutrition, exercise. Eat as well as you can; snack on fruits (natural pick-me-up) and granola bars, plus plenty of water. The brain is less tired when hydrated and your organs love it too. Sleep is one of the first things we miss in stressful situations. Instead of relying on sleep aids, try listening to soothing music, curling up with a good book, and cutting down on caffeine.
If your loved one is napping, pop a yoga DVD into the TV and do some stretching; very invigorating. Better yet, if you can get away for an hour, go get a massage.
Listen to music during the day, preferably easy listening, classical, or other calming music.
Spiritual self-care: make time for reflection and spend time with nature. Stay connected to your faith-based organization, or consider joining one. Be open to inspiration that will come from others. Surround yourself with kind and loving people.

How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others

February 22, 2010 | Julie Hall

I find it hard to believe there is actually a word in the English language that could possibly describe what caregivers go through. There can’t be. What is experienced during the caregiving process is often a deep, emotional shift accompanied by confusion, frustration, even resentment for many. Somewhere along the line, one loses oneself and their individuality blurs with the needs of the loved one.

Most are caregivers out of love and affection, and others caregive because it is not financially feasible to pay for professional care. Perhaps a child has a strong desire to care for mom and dad, or possibly a sense of obligation. They will caregive for as long as they can, only to surrender when they reach a point when they can no longer offer the quality of care the loved one really needs. It make no difference what the scenario is — all have experienced the same emotional labor.

Who then will care for you, the caregiver? Ultimately the answer is you. We’ve all heard the saying: “You have to remain strong for those you care for, so please take care of yourself.” But are caregivers really taking the time to replenish their bodies, minds, and souls? If I were a betting lady, I would say no.

As a dutiful daughter myself, I would, without thought, put my parents first at every turn, and would eventually become weak in body, mind and soul. Lost somewhere between raising children and tending to fragile parents, there is a place called limbo, and we must prevent ourselves from going there by anchoring to a solid, stable place.

What I have learned along the way from my clients is that it is 100% necessary to tend to yourself. This brings with it the image of being on an airplane; the flight attendant talks about placing the oxygen over your moutn before assisting others. You do this because without you, others might perish. The strong one must get stronger (have oxygen) before helping those who aren’t strong. Place the mask over your face and “breathe.” The same is true when your feet are on the ground, and you are a caregiver.

Next week, I’ll offer some specific suggestions for bringing “oxygen” to your own life. Please come back!

8 Ways You Can Help Your Elderly Parent BEFORE Crisis

February 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

Here are 8 ways that you can be proactive and and take action now to help de-clutter your parents’ home. Do this now for their sake, and for your own sake. I can tell you from personal experience: you do not want to have to do this in “crisis mode.”

Have the important conversations with your parents. Approach them with love and ask them about their wishes. Try to gain an understanding of their financial situation. Be sure to know where all the important legal documents are kept.
Start to de-clutter your parents’ home. Since they won’t likely appreciate this, suggest that you are helping them avoid both a fire and a tripping hazard. Start by removing expired food, unused things, piles of newspapers, etc.
Discuss and document allocation of personal property and heirlooms. Create a wish list and ask an appraiser to assess the values. Suggest “gifting” of special items while your parents are still alive.
Every time you leave their house, take a few bags of donation items with you. Dress the less fortunate. Tell your parents you are helping them to “thin out” the house.
If your parents have already moved out or passed away, begin the process of clearing out the house by using three piles to sort belongings: donate, sell, keep.
When in doubt, always have a personal property appraiser evaluate antiques, collectibles, and anything you are not sure about.
Continue to keep in touch with siblings and keep everyone on the same page. This is the only way that whole family will maintain close and healthy relationships through this process.
Always come from a place of love. In the end, life is about MUCH more than the stuff. It’s about the wonderful, deep, and abiding relationships within our families.

That’s my thoughts for this week. Click on the “leave a comment” line below, and let’s discuss this together.

Letting go of your possessions is harder than you think

February 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

In the last post, I included a list of some reasons why people have a hard time letting go of their stuff. I want to continue the conversation with a couple of important suggestions from my experience as an appraiser of residential contents and estate liquidator.

First, if you are clearing out many possessions, enlist the assistance of a personal property appraiser. When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate/home appraised prior to distributing or selling contents. Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value. There are some children who feel that “everything is junk” and then discover through an appraisal that some pieces have significant value. Family stories through the years can also add to the anticipation of great-grandfather’s chair being more valuable because it is so old. Remember, age is not the only determining factor of true value.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of the heirs generally won’t take much. Their children allready have houses that are full from being married 20 years or so, and adding more will only fuel marital strife. The younger generations appear to want nothing but cash assets. Even if your children do take items, their children definitely don’t want them now and most likely will feel the same in the future. They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions, when they could take the cash they receive and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn.

Holding onto possessions for the sake of not wanting to let them go will leave a massive burden for the children/heirs. Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action!

‘Til Death Do Us Part

February 1, 2010 | Julie Hall

Most of us enjoy hearing those words during a wedding ceremony where the new couple is floating in bliss and envision being by each other’s side until death separates them. From my perspective, however, I see people who have a very passionate reliationship with their material possessions; sometimes more so than with each other! If I didn’t know any better, I would say they feel confident that they can take their possessions with them when they leave this earth.

With almost two decades in the estate industry helping people make decisions about the dissolution of personal property, I have seen it all. And in all those years, I have tried to figure out why people have such a hard time letting go.

It is important to note that often the Depression Era generation is the one that accumulated the most. Their parents did not have much and probably possessed more utilitarian items because of the time period. When their parents passed away, they did not distribute or sell those items — they absorbed them, which means the Boomers have much more to deal with when their Depression era parents pass away.

Here are a few thoughts on why people hold on to so much:

You just never know when I’m going to need this.
There are so many things I could use this for.
If I only hold onto it long enough, it will become valuable.
It is already old, so it must be valuable.
I did without this as a child, and I will not do without again.
It was a gift and I will honor the giver by keeping it.
The more I leave for the kids, the more they will have.
I worked very hard for these things, and I will pass them down.
They bring comfort and familiarity.
Sentimental reasons
Too overwhelmed to let it go — emotional attachment
“I’ll let my kids deal with this after I’m gone.”

What do you think? I’d love to hear your reasons for keeping things; click “leave a comment” below this blog. We’ll talk more about the problem and the solutions in the next couple of weeks. Please come back!

Conversation Starters for You and Your Parents

January 25, 2010 | Julie Hall

It is never easy to talk with your parents about future issues. Here are some conversation starters that will make it more comfortable for you and your parents.

“Mom, you’ve been such a great help to me over the years. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Mom and Dad, sometimes I worry about you living all alone. Are there any things we could do to help you?”
“Dad, when Uncle Jim passed away, his family fought for weeks over things. Do you ever worry that Mike and I will be like that?”
“Ever since Mom’s stroke, I’ve been worried about your meals and things. Are you doing all right?”
“Jim and I started looking closer at our retirement account, and we’d love to pick your brain about all the things we need to know about retirement.”
“Dad, do you ever worry about Mom if she had to go it alone without you?”

Parents, listen to your children. And children, listen to your parents. This is a critical conversation for all of you, and you want to make sure you communicate well. Just like when we were kids at school, don’t be afraid to raise your hand and ask questions. Making assumptions or guessing about what the other one wants can be dangerous and lead to places you don’t want to go. Remember what your teachers used to tell you: there’s no such thing as a dumb question!

For more help on this and many other topics related to your aging parents and their stuff, please read my book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. It’s available from Amazon.com or click on the link at the right of this article.

The Death Bed Thief

January 18, 2010 | Julie Hall

Exploitation can raise its ugly head in the midst of unsuspecting situations. Such was the case with the Garvey family (not real name). Mom and Dad Garvey were about the nicest people you’d ever wish to meet. Their three adult children lived nearby; they loved to have all the grandchildren over for Sunday dinners. All of the children were successful, and the family often took vacations together. As Mom Garvey shared with me, she could not recall one moment of discord between her kids.

Dad Garvey was diagnosed with cancer at age 73, and the disease progressed rapidly. He had lived a good life, and faced his illness with grace and courage. Even as his strength waned, he loved having his family visit. But soon death was imminent and hospice was called in to assist him and his family. That’s when strange things began to happen.

One of his daughters became uncharacteristically possessive. She wanted to be at Dad’s bedside around the clock. Normally a sweet and accomodating person, she would snap at her mother over the smallest thing. She accused her siblings of not caring enough for their dad, even as she tried to prevent them from being with him during his final days.

Eventually Dad Garvey passed away, with his wife and children at his bedside. But as the funeral director’s hearse pulled up to take the body to the funeral home, the same daughter disappeared into the basement, while the others comforted one another in their grief.

It was a few days later that they discovered what the daughter had been doing. Apparently, while she was keeping vigil by her father’s bedside, she was also surveying his belongings. When he died, she quickly grabbed the things she had stashed in the final couple weeks of his life. Mysteriously, even though Dad Garvey had prepared a will, it was never found.

This is a scary story, no doubt. But imagine, for just a moment, how different this story would have gone if the parents had given serious consideration to dividing their estate prior to infirmity or death. At the very least, they should have distributed a master list of what they wanted each child or heir to have, making sure that each child received a copy. The will should have been given to the executor or another trusted professional, so it would have been available upon death.

If every child knows the plan in advance, it will be much harder for one child to take the lion’s share. Unfortunately, this scenario occurs every single day, because no one planned ahead!

King Solomon’s Approach: Will It Work for Dividing Estate Contents?

January 11, 2010 | Julie Hall

King Solomon was known for his wisdom and ability to make sound decisions. The most famous incident happened when two women came to him with a baby each woman claimed as her own. Solomon’s response was literally to divide the baby so that each woman could have half. This decision did not seem to bother the first woman, but the second woman begged the King to give the baby to the first woman, so the baby could live. Solomon then knew the second woman was the real mother and granted her the child. Will this approach work for families when they are in the midst of grief and making difficult decisions regarding their parents’ possessions?

The “divide and conquer” method is used most often, without knowing the values of estate items. Resentments and rivalries can and will stem from this method. One heir will feel that he or she got gypped. Heirs often begin the process of breaking down the estate and dividing the contents prematurely. First, know what you have and understand its current market value by hiring a personal property appraiser. Second, not all possessions can be divided, so Plan B must be ready to go.

Try to divide possessions equitably. But what if there is one item, say a $7,000 grandfather clock, that 5 children each want to have? As a personal property expert, I have seen two viable options work best.

First, when parents are still living, they should make the decision of who gets the clock. Let all heirs know what is your decision. To minimize some of the upset, if financially feasible, offer cash assets or other physical assets in the appraised amount of the clock to the other heirs. This decision may ruffle feathers, but you may have just prevented a lifelong rift between your children.

If you can’t bear the thought of choosing one heir for the clock, my suggestion might surprise you. Sell the clock and split the proceeds among your heirs. It is equitable, and no one has “the prize”, but all have equal cash assets.

We spend a lifetime collecting and caring for our favorite possessions. Shouldn’t we take the time to make a sound plan for passing them on to heirs? No material possession is worth ripping the family apart!