Finding the Good in the Bad

January 23, 2012 | Julie Hall

It’s never an easy thing, searching for the positive when “you know what” is hitting the fan. Lately, a lot of it is hitting the fan for everyone I know. If it isn’t one thing, we get slapped down by another. So the thought occurred to me, “Is this my karma, or someone else’s that’s been thrust on me for the sake of experience?” I’m a great person! Why is everything going wrong?

Maybe I am just along for the ride, and the purpose is for me to learn from these experiences and share them. But it sure feels like the world has gone mad … a captain who abandons his cruise ship and passengers, a scary time economically, political and government issues that never seem to get resolved … an uncertain future.

So, how can we find the good in the bad?

I think acceptance of some of the bad is part of it. Poop happens. It’s how we handle it that separates the good people from the not-so-good people. I also think having as good an outlook as possible is another big part of it. Every generation has seen historic events that are less than stellar, whether a world war, the great depression, disease, famine, etc.

Another thought is spreading your inner light to those who have it rougher than you, and there are plenty of people who have it rougher. If your light is bright, there is no better time than now to let it radiate to those around you.

As mom always said, “Julie, you need to take the negative and find a way to turn it around into a positive.”

Recently, I found myself in a situation where I really wanted to verbally blast someone who I felt was incompetent. I was so irate; I wanted to yell at them and give them a piece of my mind! But instead, something came out of my mouth that shocked even me. I simply looked at the person and said, “I don’t want to add to the problem or be a part of the problem. I want to be part of the solution.” When that left my mouth, I was suddenly empowered by my own words.

It must have been a higher power that planted those words in my mouth, because they saved me much aggravation and actually helped solve the problem. I recommend trying it sometime!

“Would Anyone Like Some Hot Chocolate?”

December 19, 2011 | Julie Hall

It was all I could think to say with a weary smile on my face. The tension was thick as I sat in the middle of a nasty fight between three heirs, all feeling threatened, all feeling they were just in their opinions, all throwing insults and trying to out-jab the other. After seeing a box of hot chocolate in the kitchen, I removed myself from the boxing ring and made hot chocolate for the four of us. I had never done anything like that before. Something moved me to do it.

As I served the hot chocolate without saying a word, the heirs stopped bickering, fell silent and just watched, wondering “What is that Estate Lady doing?” I calmly said, “Bet you didn’t think The Estate Lady was going to serve you hot chocolate today, did you? That’s not really part of my job description!”

The distraction worked as everyone chuckled and it disarmed the situation long enough for me to explain why everyone was so upset. Once I was able to mediate, it all went very smoothly, each having a clearer understanding of why the upset broke out in the first place, often caused by their own misperceptions.

As we each sipped the hot chocolate, it seemed to bring us back to frosty childhood days, bundled up so tight we couldn’t move. Maybe it was the flavor of the chocolate, maybe it was the smell or the warmth as it traveled into our bodies to take the chill off.

Sometimes, you just need to take a little break, sit back, and sip a little hot chocolate. It did wonders for us!

The Hawk

December 5, 2011 | Julie Hall

I sat in the car at the parking lot of the assisted living where we just placed Dad, and was feeling very alone one wintry morning last week. With the heat on full blast and tissues in hand, I said a prayer in the car to take away some of the tears and difficult changes my family has gone through lately. After wiping my eyes, I looked up and saw her.

There she stood at the very top of a large, leafless maple tree with the morning fog and the chill of winter all around her. She was the very definition of strength and majesty, looking as if she owned the universe. But there was a fragility about her too. In her solitude, she surveyed her surroundings with confidence, but I am sure even a bird of prey has doubts. After all, she didn’t know where her next meal was coming from. I felt sorry for her that she was all alone, not fully understanding that is their nature.

I started to see a parallel between myself and the hawk. It happens to all of us as we walk through life. We find ourselves lonely at times and our lives feeling barren due to certain circumstances. For me, it was my mother’s recent passing and placing Dad in assisted living. For the majority of us, this is the ebb and flow of things, and we have good times and not so good times. If we are wise, we grow with these circumstances so we can be an example to those around us, especially our children and grandchildren.

This hawk reminded me that there are times we have to walk this journey solo in order for us to have a more meaningful understanding of life, grow strong, remain strong, and just keep looking for the good in what comes next. As I put my car in reverse, the hawk suddenly swooped down and was victorious in finding her next meal. Patience and the passage of time paid off. We just need to remember that.

A Case of the Grumpies

September 19, 2011 | Julie Hall

We are bombarded by tens of thousands of media messages daily. We even have miniscule handheld gadgets and crazy fingers that fly faster than the typing secretaries we see in the old black and white movies. As if our desktops aren’t enough, we feel the need to remain “connected” to any new technological advance, and constantly have the media in our face. Sadly, we are exposed to all the negative energy the world has to offer. No wonder we are so tired.

As a result of this exposure, the state of the economy, the politicians’ barrage of empty promises, financial strife, etc., we all seem a little angrier and much grumpier than we used to be.

It’s no different for those settling an estate. Everyone feels a particular piece was sentimental only to them, or “Mom always wanted me to have that.” Heirs go into the division of assets with the image they will always get what they want and this simply is not the case. Arguments of what has value, differences of opinion, who-gets-what, things disappearing in the night … all of this happens because our loved ones failed to plan ahead.

Obstacles abound every way we turn. Frustrating? Yes. A reason to go out into the world and make everyone miserable? NO!

Mom always said we can make a choice how we behave out in the world and inside ourselves. The next time you see someone walking around with the weight of the world on their back, make a choice and give them a great big smile. It’s amazing how something so simple can have such great impact on them … and on you!

His Outgoing Message Said …

September 12, 2011 | Julie Hall

“Hi. I hope you are going to have a great day. Sometimes, you’ve just got to go out there, do your best, and grab what you can. Make the most of your day and make it a great one.”

You may recall last week I wrote about a lovely man who is dying and his energy and attitude were incredible. He lifted me up with his words and charisma. Yesterday I called him to reconfirm an appointment to come and look at items he wanted to sell in order to donate the proceeds. His outgoing message was quoted above.

I thought to myself with so much going wrong these days, here is this one gentleman who probably doesn’t have much time left, and yet he is making a very strong impact on those around him. Touching them in an incredibly selfless manner. We don’t see that often, do we? Not in this me-me-me world.

It is difficult for us to reach deep down and pull up all the good that is within us, especially in the midst of the many challenges we face today. But if this one man can project beauty and goodness in his darkest days, we can too.

So I will add only one thing to his outgoing message: Smile a lot today, especially to those you don’t know. You never know what challenges they are facing.

“B GR8FUL”

August 8, 2011 | Julie Hall

The license plate on the car in front of me during a long stretch of monotonous highway read, “Be grateful.” I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a personal message to me, just returning from a wonderful weekend with my parents in Florida, or if it was meant for all who read it, spreading a positive message during uncertain times.

My husband and daughter were snoozing in the car and I was pensive as usual behind the wheel, thinking about everything from the economy, to finances, to family to you name it. I, like many of you, am worried about the state of our economy and where it will leave our generation in the years to come. I worry about my daughter and her education; will she be okay during this craziness we are experiencing? Will she have work in the future? Will the economy bounce back or are we headed for a recession? So many people struggling. News images of drought, famine, earthquakes, shootings, a downed military helicopter.

The worries seemed endless and my mind began to wander while I was driving. Then I saw the simple license plate: “B GR8FUL.” I know that I had an instant calm when I saw it. I know that was a message for me to take these worries and transfer them into appreciation for all that we do have. When you look at the grand scheme of things, we really do have so much to be grateful for. So the next time your mind races with an endless stream of worries, try to shift your thoughts to appreciation. You’ll feel much better!

Life is Like a Track Meet

April 11, 2011 | Julie Hall

As a middle-aged adult, those junior high kids have a way of making it look easy. I honestly don’t remember having that kind of energy, but I know we all did.

Attending my teenager’s track meets, I find myself in awe of the high jumpers and the hurdlers. Observing them, in all their youth and vigor, I could see that it takes even a young athlete great effort to get up and over that bar and those hurdles. There is a rhythm in their approach, a method to the madness that the spectator marvels at. Tremendous coordination of body, mind, and spirit must synchronize to successfully clear those hurdles. Leaping into mid-air, up and over an obstacle you cannot see at the last moment requires forethought, guts, and faith that they will achieve their goal.

Watching each of them focus on the task at hand and seeing the power of their “take-offs,” the sound of their pounding feet on the track, and the grunts from overexertion, I see sensory proof of their efforts, victories, and momentary defeats. Life is very much like a track meet.

These are among the great lessons that teach us our lives are a series of hurdles and high jumps. Regardless of age, we are often reminded that we too have our own obstacles and fearful moments. It takes courage and faith to overcome them, or at least face them. We too will fall and get hurt many times in life, but we must get up and keep going, just like these kids.

Every time I have problems getting motivated, or even days when I realize I am having a pity party for myself, I think of those thundering flashes of feet on the track. Those kids are scared and vulnerable when they step on that track for all to see, but it’s the champion inside us that keeps us moving forward and over those hurdles.

When Your Box Gets Too Heavy, Drop It!

January 24, 2011 | Julie Hall

My teenage daughter has recently become my teacher, and I her student. Life has been challenging for many this past year and our family is no exception. Many of my clients have suffered illness, loss of a loved one, and financial trouble in the last year. With the new year here, we have a clean slate and a chance to un-do, re-do or make better than last year.

Lately, life has been a little weird. So much uncertainty. Turning on the TV means risking depression and anxiety just by watching 5 minutes of the news. When will it ever be like it “used to be?”

Not long ago, I had an emotional moment thinking of my father who has Alzheimer’s. It all seemed to come crashing down on me. My daughter came home from school and caught me during a mini-meltdown. I have always believed it’s okay to let children see their parents cry. We are not infallible, but we try to always be strong for them. Then one day, the tables turn and they are strong for us.

Suddenly, she looked at me with the eyes and demeanor of a grown woman. “Mom, there is no need for you to get yourself so upset. What will be, will be, and you can’t control that. Your box has gotten too heavy, so drop it.”

“What box?” I thought. She went on to further explain that the box represents our lives and all the junk inside weighing the box down is the parts of it we need to let go of. “Just drop the box, Mom. You need to be more like me. Let it go until you need it. Don’t carry it around with you. Sometimes it just gets too heavy and you can’t carry it anymore.”

And the thought occurred to me to count the blessings, not the tears. When the box gets too heavy, I am learning to drop it and deal with something more positive. Many boxes out there are getting heavier by the day. Maybe you can learn from my daughter too!

5 Promises to Yourself in 2011

January 3, 2011 | Julie Hall

Happy New Year!

These days, it appears increasingly difficult to stay on the level emotionally. So much comes at us that it’s depressing to turn on the TV. To combat this heaviness that many feel, I have 5 suggestions to make us feel more buoyant this year. Please share them with your family and friends, since we all need to support one another.

Let It Go! Let go of anything that weighs you down. Surplus material possessions and stuff that no longer has meaning, people and relationships that are toxic, clean out that closet and give to those in need, etc. Just let go! You will immediately feel lighter, and more open space will provide an uplift in your spirit.
If something you tried last year didn’t work out, keep trying different ways until it does work. As the old saying goes, “there is more than one way to skin a cat.” Try again in different ways; ask close friends or colleagues what they would do. Valued opinions and objective third parties may very well be the sounding board you need or provide you with the brilliant idea that works.
Broaden your horizons. No more excuses! Take that pottery class, dance class, go to that place you’ve always wanted to see, train for a marathon, volunteer, lose weight, etc. Just do it! Spend some time on YOU.
Practice appreciation. Open your eyes and look for the simple pleasures in your life. Put forth a little effort to “see” the good in the world. Sometimes you need to go for a walk and admire the birds, look at the sky, and take some deep breaths. A survey of centenarians (over 100 years old) shows they attribute their longevity to simple pleasures like walking barefoot, watering their garden, swimming, etc.
Train your brain to think positively. Yes, there is alot wrong with the world today, but there is still much good in it. Go forth, do good things, be a good person, and try to make a difference for others. The rewards are far greater than you know! It comes back to you, and it will give you a strong sense of purpose in the new year.

Grief Needs a Shoulder to Lean On

September 27, 2010 | Julie Hall

Let me offer some compassionate support for those who are going through grief over the loss of a parent. Having to handle all the details of a funeral and the liquidation of your parents’ estate ranks high on the lists of stressors that can wreak havoc emotionally.

You and your siblings really need a lot of shoulders to lean on during this time. This is the time to make withdrawals from your emotional bank accounts of close friends. If you are active in a church or synagogue, let your pastor or rabbi know what you’re going through, and be open to any acts of kindness from your congregation.

Grief can bring with it the symptoms of clinical depression, yet you’ll feel as if you have to be the strong one for the sake of your family. It’s not a sign of weakness to meet with a counselor and unload what’s happening during this stressful time.

With nearly every client, I’ve found myself holding the hand of an angry, heartbroken, grieving son or daughter. Many are in a very vulnerable state, feeling angry and lashing out because of all the decisions that their parents did not take care of while they were alive. Then their anger turns to guilt because their parents are no longer here, and they feel guilty because they feel angry.

You really do have to be strong and think straight as you go through your parents’ home for the last time, so take advantage of resources — personal and professional — that can help you cope with the sadness and stress.

Keep in mind: you don’t have to go through this alone. There is reliable and trustworthy help that can make this painful experience go smoothly.