Keep Their Memory Alive

April 26, 2010 | Julie Hall

The journey from your parents’ first signs of decline to the day their house is finally emptied may be long and difficult, filled with more stress and sorrow than you deserve. Now that the casseroles are finished, the cards are read, and the relatives have returned home, what can you do to keep their memory alive?

Here are several ways you and your family can honor your parents and enjoy them forever.

Plant a tree in their memory. One family planted a silver maple tree – mom’s favorite – at the assisted living center where she lived. It’s just a few blocks from her grave and remains a living memory of her.
Distribute cuttings from a favorite plant.
Share favorite recipes. Create a small recipe book of mom and dad’s favorite recipes and distribute to the relatives.
Keep the fishing trip alive. Harold took his two sons on a fishing trip to remote Ontario every spring. The spring after his death, those sons planned a fishing trip with their own sons and daughters. It’s now an annual tradition.
Create a memory book. Remember all those boxes of photos you found when you cleared your parents’ home? Scan them on to a computer and create a memory book to share with the family. Or, take those old home movies and transfer them to DVDs and distribute to the family.
Give a lifelong gift. Many families contribute to charities and causes in memory of their parents. You don’t have to be extremely wealthy and have a building named after you to make a difference. One family pays for an annual scholarship that allows one underprivileged child to go to YMCA camp every summer — in the name of their parents. Another family pays for the Vacation Bible School supplies at their church each year, since mom always loved to teach children.
Make a family DVD. Local video companies can document family members sharing their memories of parents.
Recreate your parents’ presence. This looks different for every family. Did Dad always smell of Old Spice aftershave lotion? Was there always Glenn Miller music playing at mom’s house when the family arrived? Create tangible reminders that can brighten a sad day or a family celebration for years to come.

Bring “Oxygen” to Your Life

March 1, 2010 | Julie Hall

There never seems to be enough hours in the day. If you are a caregiver, you know this better than anyone, for your schedule is not your own. Yet, I have heard many of my elderly clients say, “You must make the time because it is important to your well-being.” Here are some suggestions I have learned along the way that might bring some “oxygen” to your life, so you can breathe again.

You’re all you’ve got! Make dates with your spouse and children to keep your sanity in check, and the bonds of relationships fresh. This is imperative, so make yourself a promise to do this.
Rest and replenish, even if you have to steal private moments in the backyard, in prayer or meditation, or just sitting.
If you are experiencing guilt, anger, jealousy, resentment, etc., seek the assistance of close friends, a counselor, your minister or rabbi. Realize that most of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Know when to seek professional help, if you become depressed, anxious, or experience feelings that are not normal.
Combat depression by finding time to engage in an activity that brings you pleasure — a walk with your children or grandchildren, writing in your journal, getting out to shop for 2 or 3 hours. Respite care is available in many communities, just so you can rest from caregiving.
Pay attention to these things: sleeping, nutrition, exercise. Eat as well as you can; snack on fruits (natural pick-me-up) and granola bars, plus plenty of water. The brain is less tired when hydrated and your organs love it too. Sleep is one of the first things we miss in stressful situations. Instead of relying on sleep aids, try listening to soothing music, curling up with a good book, and cutting down on caffeine.
If your loved one is napping, pop a yoga DVD into the TV and do some stretching; very invigorating. Better yet, if you can get away for an hour, go get a massage.
Listen to music during the day, preferably easy listening, classical, or other calming music.
Spiritual self-care: make time for reflection and spend time with nature. Stay connected to your faith-based organization, or consider joining one. Be open to inspiration that will come from others. Surround yourself with kind and loving people.

How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others

February 22, 2010 | Julie Hall

I find it hard to believe there is actually a word in the English language that could possibly describe what caregivers go through. There can’t be. What is experienced during the caregiving process is often a deep, emotional shift accompanied by confusion, frustration, even resentment for many. Somewhere along the line, one loses oneself and their individuality blurs with the needs of the loved one.

Most are caregivers out of love and affection, and others caregive because it is not financially feasible to pay for professional care. Perhaps a child has a strong desire to care for mom and dad, or possibly a sense of obligation. They will caregive for as long as they can, only to surrender when they reach a point when they can no longer offer the quality of care the loved one really needs. It make no difference what the scenario is — all have experienced the same emotional labor.

Who then will care for you, the caregiver? Ultimately the answer is you. We’ve all heard the saying: “You have to remain strong for those you care for, so please take care of yourself.” But are caregivers really taking the time to replenish their bodies, minds, and souls? If I were a betting lady, I would say no.

As a dutiful daughter myself, I would, without thought, put my parents first at every turn, and would eventually become weak in body, mind and soul. Lost somewhere between raising children and tending to fragile parents, there is a place called limbo, and we must prevent ourselves from going there by anchoring to a solid, stable place.

What I have learned along the way from my clients is that it is 100% necessary to tend to yourself. This brings with it the image of being on an airplane; the flight attendant talks about placing the oxygen over your moutn before assisting others. You do this because without you, others might perish. The strong one must get stronger (have oxygen) before helping those who aren’t strong. Place the mask over your face and “breathe.” The same is true when your feet are on the ground, and you are a caregiver.

Next week, I’ll offer some specific suggestions for bringing “oxygen” to your own life. Please come back!