Dealing with Stuff

Places to Find Hidden Treasure

| Julie Hall

Many older people have a long-term distrust of banks and often hide their valuables in the strangest places.  If your parents are European immigrants, they have an even greater tendency to do this, and if either parent has dementia or Alzheimer’s, they likely have hidden things and forgot about them.

Many seniors hide money and valuables that often go unnoticed in the liquidation of their estates.  Here are the most common places where these valuables may exist:

  • Clothing and shoes — especially breast pockets in a man’s suit coat, under an insert in the sole of a shoe, wrapped in socks or underwear, bra cups.
  • Drapery hems — a favorite hiding place for small jewelry or coins
  • Canister sets — rare coins or jewelry in the flour or sugar canister and sometimes in cookie tins
  • Books — paper money slid between the pages of a book
  • Ice cube trays — a favorite place for small jewelry or gemstones
  • Toilet tank — another place for jewelry
  • Duct tape — money or jewelry wrapped tightly in a wadded ball
  • Picture frames — between the picture and the mat or backing material
  • Attic rafters — favorite place for coins, jewelry, and antiques

You’ll need to use some detective skills to be sure that when you liquidate their home and estate, you don’t leave anything valuable behind.

© 2010 Julie Hall

6 Practical Ways to Help Your Parents This Fall

| Julie Hall

Now that the weather is cooling and the leaves are ready to fall, here are 6 practical ways that you can assist your elderly parents.

  1. Help your parents protect all their assets.  Know all the professionals they work with, i.e. CPA, financial planner, attorney, etc.
  2. Know the location of all their important documents.  If the documents are in a locked cabinet or fireproof storage, know where the keys are kept.
  3. Have the important conversations with them about their wishes for the future, who will be their executor, healthcare power of attorney, and discuss distribution of the heirlooms and personal property.
  4. You can’t take it with you!  If they are able, suggest to your parents that they write a master list of who should get what, and give the document to the executor.  Or, they can ask each child what they would like to have, and put that on a “wish list”.  A document cuts down on the “he said-she said” that often goes on when settling an estate.
  5. Start de-cluttering and thinning out your parents’ home now.  Often children are overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff” in their Depression Era parents’ home.  This is a good way to begin the process of cleaning out, so you won’t have to do it all at once later.  Make sure you have their permission.
  6. Always come from a place of love.  You will have several difficult conversations and awkward moments when asking your parents these questions.  Always approach them with love.  For example, “Mom, we are very worried about you and would like to have a talk about what you would like for your future.  Sue and I would like to honor your wishes, but first, we need to know what those wishes are.”

For more practical tips and compassionate advice, read my best-selling book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff.  Check the right side of my blog for a link to order both my books.

© 2010 Julie Hall

7 Estate Tips for You This Fall

| Julie Hall

Now that school is back in session and Labor Day is over, it’s time for us all to get back into our routines which we abandoned in the heat of the summer.  Here are 7 tips that I want you to add to your routine this fall and winter.

  1. Make sure you and your spouse have a Will/Trust/legal documents.  Better than 50% of us don’t have one, leaving our heirs to fight and “guess” our wishes and intentions.  Dissolving an estate is not the time for guesswork
  2. Make sure someone knows the location of these legal and other important papers, such as life insurance, financial information, as well as computer passwords and keys to safe deposit box.
  3. Simplify your estate by starting to get rid of your own stuff now.  Clean out the garage, attic, and closets — we have too much stuff!  By doing this now, your kids won’t be angry with you later for leaving them a big mess.  We  only use the same 20% of what we have anyway … Reduce!
  4. If something new comes into the house, two things have to exit, whether it be for charity, selling it, etc.  Avoid the clutter that comes from constant buying.  Think “simple and easy.”
  5. Have that courageous conversation with your spouse or children (if they are old enough).  Tell them your wishes for the future, then go the distance and document all this so they have a guidance system when the time comes.
  6. Consider gifting heirlooms and other important items while you are still living.  This minimizes future fighting, and you have the joy of seeing the recipient’s face when they receive their gift.
  7. Always hire a personal property appraiser for items of value in your own home or your loved one’s estate.  Only then can equitable distribution take place.

Next week, I’ll give you 6 tips for your parents’ estates.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Family Secrets

| Julie Hall

Sometimes, clearing out a family home will uncover things you never knew about a loved one.  I recall one home I was called to clear out; we found written evidence that the father had an affair way back in the 1940s.  This sort of information should be handled with kid gloves.  The best advice is to dispose of any such thing, while you are alive, that may cause great pain to loved ones, if they should find it after you’re gone . . . because someone will find it.

As you walk through your loved one’s home, you may find evidence that one of your parents had an illicit relationship, a secret habit, a child borne out of wedlock, something illegal, etc.  You may discover that your father hadn’t filed tax returns for several years, or that your mom had given up a child for adoption when she was seventeen.  In other words, you may discover things about one of your parents that no one knew and that would bring embarrassment if their secret got out.  What would you do?

If you discover something unsavory or unflattering about your parents or a loved one, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Does what I found offer absolute proof or only raise suspicions?
  • Would what I found be considered evidence for any unsolved crime?
  • If the information became public, would it implicate someone outside the family?
  • Does anyone else have the right to know something my mother or father wanted to be kept secret?
  • Will I be affected emotionally or spiritually trying to keep something secret from my siblings?
  • If my mother or father went to great lengths to keep this secret, should I tell it? (Think long and hard before you respond.)

The answers aren’t always clear and often there are gray areas.  It is important to realize that everyone reading this will have a different opinion as to how to handle these matters.  Always use your best instinct.  When in doubt, seek outside counsel to help with the issue at hand.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Sneak Peak 2: Another Excellent List

| Julie Hall

Today, I’m giving you another look at the practical content of my new book, A Boomer’s Guide to Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less.  This book is a carry-along guide, full of practical checklists and worksheets, and so much wisdom from my 20 years of experience in this field.  Click on the link to the right of this blog entry to get your own copy.  Buy one for each of your siblings too!

LOCATING CRITICAL PAPERWORK

Ideally, you have gotten all paperwork organized and accounted for, but in so many situations, this is not the case.  What follows is a list of what needs to be accumulated in order to best deal with your parents’ estate:

  • Will
  • Power of Attorney
  • Investment statements
  • Life Insurance policies
  • Automobile insurance
  • Safe combination
  • Credit card information
  • Computer passwords
  • Address book
  • Real estate documents
  • see my book for 12 more items you will need to have ready…

Knowing all the people who may have assisted your parents with the above paperwork may help you locate it.

  • Banker
  • In-home care professional
  • Accountant
  • Financial Planner
  • Doctor
  • there are 5 more people listed in my book…

Important papers are often stashed in unusual places.  Consider these locations when going through the home in search of paperwork and important documents.

  • Under or in mattresses
  • Books or Family Bible
  • Above cabinets, cornices
  • Closets – unmarked boxes
  • Luggage compartments
  • Behind or in picture frames
  • Bottom of dresser drawers
  • there’s many more places to search listed in my book…

How to empty the family home without losing your mind!  That’s a concept that every Boomer should value, and this book gives you all you need!  Since it begins with a section on “One or Both Parents are Living and Still in Their Home”, you’ll be able to use this guide immediately and keep using it until you actually have to clean out the home.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Sneak Peek: Practical Wisdom

| Julie Hall

Over the next couple of weeks,  I want to give you a taste of the practical wisdom I have poured into my latest book.  The title is “A Boomer’s Guide to Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less.”  I definitely believe this is a realistic time frame, although many boomers spend years struggling with this process.  Sometimes they move the parents’ belongings to expensive storage buildings, while they fight or avoid dealing with the stuff.  It doesn’t have to be that painful or protracted; the estate can be cleared out in a deliberate and decisive way.  It can be done with this guide.

This is a practical workbook that you can take along in your briefcase or pocketbook, and check off completed items, make personal notes, fill in worksheets.

Here’s a taste of what to expect, except in my book there is room for notes and there are boxes beside each item to check when complete.

WHAT TO DO IMMEDIATELY WHEN MOM OR DAD HAVE PASSED AND THE ESTATE REMAINS

The executor has a responsibility to protect all that the parents owned until all decisions have been made about the proper distribution and dissolution methods.  The following are important, critical first steps to be taken by the executor or estate attorney in order to properly protect and prepare the estate on behalf of the deceased parents.

  • Collect keys / change residential and other property locks (no exceptions)
  • New master keys to be in the executor’s and/or estate attorney’s possession only
  • Notify heirs and family members that locks have been changed for security reasons
  • Remove valuables (should only be done by the executor or executrix) including: (see my book for the specifics)
  • Notify heirs and family members that removal of valuables is temporary only until the estate is settled
  • Prepare a list of all valuables to be kept in executor’s or estate attorney’s file for documentation
  • Hire a professional appraiser to assess all valuables

This represents only a third of the material I’ve given in my book for this one list alone.  If you’d like to read more, you can get a copy of my book by clicking on the link at the right of this blog.  Another sample of my book next week!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Three More Important Tips for Personal Property

| Julie Hall

We’re continuing our discussion of important tips for dealing with personal property in an estate.  Here are the final three tips:

3.  Just because it is old doesn’t mean it is valuable.  This is my personal mantra.  Each day, I must face clients and report the truth based on facts.  Depression glass may have been the rage 12 years ago, but today the market is pretty flat, much like the beloved Hummel figurines of mother’s day.  It’s important to understand the distinction between monetary and sentimental value.  If great-grandfather made it in 1865, it is certainly old and very special to us.  This, however, does not indicate or equate to significant monetary value.  It does hold value in the heart, though.

4.  PLEASE hire a professional before you have a yard sale on your own.  In my career, I have seen things thrown in the trash, dumpsters, yard sales, etc. that children put there or sold for next to nothing.  In actuality, they were worth a small fortune!  Knowledge really is power.   Parents, consider getting your heirlooms evaluated prior to your passing, so you can leave this information for your heirs.  Children, ask questions about the history of these heirlooms while mom and dad can still tell you.  Discuss together the possibility of gifting prior to death.  At the very least, mom and dad should document who gets what.

5.  When using professionals in the industry, check them out first.  Make sure they have no unresolved complaints against them with the Better Business Bureau.  Ask them for professional references, and ask how long they have been doing this work.  Ask your friends, neighbors, and other professionals if they can recommend estate professional appraisers and liquidators.  Be very leary of those who “dabble” in estate sales or yard sales; you need a pro.  If you think hiring a professional is expensive, you should try hiring an amateur.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Important Tips When Dealing with Personal Property from an Estate

| Julie Hall

When a loved one becomes infirm or passes away, the handling of the estate and contents lands on the lap of the heir(s).  If the heir is prepared, it will go much easier than if they operate in a crisis mode.  All too often, I see children who don’t know anything about the estate and contents.  It’s like they are literally walking into a dark house and starting from scratch with no guidance.

Here are some important tips to consider if you are currently dealing with an estate, or soon to be handling one.

1.  Don’t do ANYTHING until you know what it is and what it’s worth.  Do not give items to neighbors, friends, family, or charity until everything has been looked at by a professional appraiser, or you have been advised what the best method(s) is/are to proceed with dissolution of the estate.  It is well worth the cost to get this information.  It will even assist with equitable distribution, thereby keeping things as neutral as possible between the siblings.

2.  What is it worth?  What someone is willing to pay you for it.  It is not worth the dollar amount you see on the internet – that is only an asking price and usually quite inflated at that.  It is not worth what grandma told you back in the 70’s, and the stories that were told by previous generations can be a bit stretched through the years.   As with anything else in life, the value is contingent upon many factors, one of which is supply and demand. 

Since so many china sets have saturated the market, and will continue to do so, what do you think will happen to the price?  If the younger women want Pottery Barn and IKEA, and not grandma’s china, what will happen to these sets?  The prices will continue to plummet.  Always check with a professional appraiser first.

That’s enough to digest this week, but I have three more important tips for you next week!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Estate Etiquette Solutions

| Julie Hall

As promised last week, here’s how you can contribute to a more peaceful resolution when dividing heirlooms in your parents’ estate.

  1. Sit down and say what’s on your mind.  Beating around the bush confuses everyone.  Confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing.  My father always said that the day after a thunderstorm is usually clean, bright, and beautiful.  It clears the air and so does a confrontation that is more about sharing than finger pointing.  Some heirs can’t handle this confrontation, and I would definitely recommend some kind of mediation, if they want to save the relationship.  The down side is that if they don’t fix this early on, the relationship is normally irreparable as the damage is done.  Then, both parties live out their lives with anger in their hearts.
  2. It’s vital to do everything you can to keep the peace.  Regardless of what part you play in this, it will have an impact on you too, most especially a negative impact.  Even indirectly connected, it will touch you in some negative way.  To avoid this, do your best to take the “high road.”  It feels good to do so, though it’s not always easy.
  3. Validate the other person’s feelings if they share them with you.  At least, listen.  Repeat what they said to you so they feel you heard them.  Both should agree to simply do the best you can to smooth it over somehow.  A photo of Mom and Dad sitting in front of you wouldn’t hurt.  After all, this is about honoring them and not about the heirs.
  4. Encourage others to be a part of the healing process, if they would like to be.  It is not about taking sides.  It is about encouraging both parties to do what they can to heal the hurt.  Always remain objective and try very hard to see the other side.  Seeing both sides, or at least putting yourself in the other’s shoes, might very well lend some insight into the situation.  The problem is that we are generally too self-centered to do this.  Promise me you’ll try!

Dividing heirlooms can be one of the most contentious experiences of our adult lives.  There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles.  But, you can learn to put them out when they are smoldering, instead of when they grow into a full-blown forest fire.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Estate Etiquette

| Julie Hall

It’s an observation worth noting: when it comes to dividing heirlooms and estate contents, everyone tenses up and no one wants to be the first to talk.  You can sense the apprehension in the room, and it appears as if everyone is trying to predict what the other will do.  Will my sister make a fuss?  Will my brother want the same things I want, and if so, what do we do?  Will there be fighting and resentment?

From the perspective of this 20 year veteran who has observed many families, we should be more concerned with our own behavior.  If every heir was in tune with their own behavior and had the ability to stay on the peaceful path, there would be a lot less fighting in the world.

When a parent passes, particularly the last remaining parent, true colors, a few fangs, and an entitlement mentality will eventually surface.  Most feuds break out for four basic reasons:

  • A misunderstanding has taken place and has not been effectively dealt with
  • Everyone grieves differently and emotions can be volatile
  • A situation has been festering for years that probably took place during childhood and will now appear, causing all kinds of problems
  • An heir perceives he or she is being cheated in the distribution of heirlooms

How do you contribute to a more peaceful resolution?  Check back here next week for four valuable suggestions.