The Wallet

March 19, 2012 | Julie Hall

Last week, I wrote about the things people leave behind in estates. This week, I want to share with you a special find that not only surprised the daughter when I presented it to her, but helped to heal an old, yet still open, wound.

Their dad had died over 30 years ago, and the daughter had shared with me how very special dad was, and how she could feel his presence while she was disassembling the family home. While going through a pile of stuff the realtor moved aside to stage the home, I found dad’s wallet and knew I had to keep it for the daughter.

The moment I opened the wallet, I remember being greeted by a kind face on the driver’s license staring back at me. The wallet was filled with oodles of photos of his children and grandchildren. I instinctively knew he was someone special. So when I handed it to his daughter at the completion of our job, you could see the joy in her face. We had indeed found a treasure among the ruins of taking apart the home. It had been particularly rough for her, so this was like the prize at the bottom of the box — that special slice of serendipity that plops on your lap when you least expect it. I love it when that happens.

Little did I know when she called me the next day, she had discovered a special order to the photographs in dad’s wallet. Her brother’s photo was the first one, and underneath were stacked photos of her, her mom, grandkids, etc. Instead of being bothered by that, she said the most amazing thing. Her brother had battled a substance abuse problem in his youth that caused upheaval in the family and I can only assume the same for his interpersonal relationships. And while the sibling had long been clean and sober, dad never lived long enough to see the wonderful person his son turned out to be.

Even though dad had been gone over three decades, he still had a message of love to send to both of his children. The message was loud and clear: At a time when a parent is pushed to the limit of love and understanding in dealing with a substance issue, he never gave up on believing in or loving his son.

Today, I understand that son is an incredible man who found his inner strength and now helps others do the same. May the finding of this small, yet powerful item bring both children peace and emotional closure, knowing how much their father loved them!

What We Find Left Behind

March 12, 2012 | Julie Hall

It’s always an eye-opening experience working in estates after the children have taken what they want and allow us to handle the remainder. You just never know what you will find left behind.

Sometimes, we just find what you would expect, the items that should have been discarded 40 years ago – broken items from the attic, old appliances, clothing that needs to be donated, etc. Other times, we find items that have value and we arrange to have them sold for the family. And on occasion, we find items that leave us scratching our heads, or items that we can never speak of and promise to take that information to our graves.

We see it all: the love, the fights, the estrangements, the addictions, the sorrows, the secrets – all of which are carried through our lifetimes.

It is difficult to put into words when you find war medals of courage and valor left on the floor for disposal, or antique photos of people in the family that have been left in a pile for us to discard. But we understand that every person has a story and we are not privy to their upbringing or lives, and therefore do not understand why they made the decisions they did.

Recently we found letters dating from the Civil War period, of a soldier who wrote home to his sister. He wrote of the horrible conditions, how most of his comrades had died from dysentery, and that there wasn’t enough food to keep the soldiers strong. He spoke of having no warmth through the winter months, but described it in such a way that he was not complaining. It was fascinating to hear of life so long ago from a person who lived during those times, but the family took no interest.

Other things we find are scrapbooks, war letters between mom and dad, family Bibles with genealogy information inside the front cover, diaries, estate jewelry, guns, etc.

I guess it’s true what they say. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and one cannot predict what is in a person’s heart during such difficult times.

The Secret Keeper

October 17, 2011 | Julie Hall

My father used to play a game with me as a small child. When he wanted to know what mom had bought for his birthday or Christmas, he would say, “Julie will tell me what mom bought. I can always get it out of Julie!” I had been sworn to secrecy by my brother because I was the little tattletale in the family. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t keep that secret. Little did I know that as an adult, life would ask me to not only keep them, but to take them to my grave so no one would get hurt. This story, I can share…

Steven was only 43 years old. He was top executive, divorced with children, and lived as a bachelor in a very nice home with lovely furnishings. Steven had a good life and all that he could want or need: a stable line of work, choice real estate, comfortable lifestyle, children, etc. But something went very wrong along the way.

One night, for no known reason to his family or friends, Steven ended his life. There was no note found or any indication for the reasoning behind his actions. We were brought in to sell and clear out the home completely.

During the clearing out phase, I personally found a stack of letters that were found in a closet. They were in no particular order and wide open. Many of them were notes and cards obviously exchanged between sweethearts. Unsure whether to dispose of these or not because the significant other might want them, I opened up the top card only to reveal words that might have offered a reason why he ended his life. I felt an overwhelming responsibility to do the right thing, but what was the right thing in this case?

There were two choices: I could dispose of the items and keep this secret locked away in my head forever, or I could call the family and somehow search for the right words to explain my findings in a very delicate manner. Having no previous experience with this particular scenario of suicide, I sat in silence contemplating the situation that had been laid upon my lap. I had in my hands potential evidence as to why this distraught man ended his life, and my heart grew heavy with the emotions he must have been experiencing. When my hands held his handwritten note, I could feel he was completely shattered.

After what seemed like an eternity of contemplation, I knew exactly what I had to do. The family had the right, no matter how painful, to know something as serious as this; I had to give them the opportunity to make the choice themselves. Calling the closest relative from my cell phone, I wanted to sound calm and reassuring.

When the relative picked up the phone, I greeted the relative and explained that I was still in the home working. “I’ve found a letter I think you may want to see, but I need your permission to send it to you. I believe it could offer you an answer as to the reason Steven is no longer with us. Would you like me to FedEx it out to you?” Much to my surprise, the family rejected my offer to send it to them and did not want to know the reasons behind his actions. Some things are just too painful. His words are forever etched in my mind to be buried with me later in life, unknown to anyone who loved him.

Mementos of Killed Marine Sold By Mistake

August 22, 2011 | Julie Hall

This was the headline in our local paper a few days ago. The young widow accidentally sold a suitcase at a yard sale that contained photos and special items that were of her late Marine husband with their children. I thought to myself, “Oh no … those photos are irreplaceable and probably gone forever.”

The article was a monumental effort across the country to appeal to anyone who might find it, as the buyers at the yard sale told the widow they would probably sell the suitcase at a flea market. To my knowledge, it has not yet been found.

A couple of things come to mind:

We feel for this woman and all she has gone/is going through, and it was most likely a simple oversight that she forgot to open the suitcase prior to selling. As a professional, I can honestly say it’s vital to leave no stone unturned. Whether you are sorting through a loved one’s belongings, or you hire a professional, everything must be gone through with a fine tooth comb. You never know what you’re going to find.
Professionals in my industry already know to sift through everything, but family might be experiencing emotions too strong to deal with it at the moment, feel as if they are in a fog for a while, or can’t quite get themselves to sort through the items in the depth they should — through no fault of their own. We understand grief and have compassion for our clients. Sometimes, an objective professional party can help the family through that, and ensure that everything has truly been sorted and gone through, so accidents like this don’t occur.

My heart goes out to this widow and her children, and I sincerely hope that whoever buys the suitcase with the precious photos of the fallen Marine and his children will find a way to get them back to their rightful owner.

How to Behave As an Heir

June 20, 2011 | Julie Hall

Recently, I did a podcast for Moving Forward Matters in Ottawa, Canada. Here’s the link to my 10 minute discussion on Estate Etiquette.

http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/2011/06/08/estate-etiquette-know-what-to-do/

Here are several suggestions for how to behave as an heir in the estate of your parent or close loved one.

Sit down and say what’s on your mind. Beating around the bush confuses everyone. Confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. My father always said that the day after a thunderstorm is usually clean, bright, and beautiful. It clears the air and so does a confrontation that is more about sharing than finger pointing.
It’s vital to do everything you can to keep the peace. To avoid heartache and resentment, do your best to take the “high road.” It feels good to do so, though it’s not always easy.
Validate the other person’s feelings if they share them with you. At least, listen. Repeat what they said to you so they feel you heard them. Both should agree to simply do the best you can to smooth it over somehow. A photo of Mom and Dad sitting in front of you wouldn’t hurt. After all, this is about honoring them and not about the heirs.
Encourage others to be a part of the healing process, if they would like to be. It is not about taking sides. It is about encouraging both parties to do what they can to heal the hurt. Always remain objective and try very hard to see the other side.

Dividing heirlooms can be one of the most contentious experiences of our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles. But, you can learn to put them out when they are smoldering, instead of when they grow into a full-blown forest fire.

A Change in Your Health Can Mean a Change in Your Will

May 23, 2011 | Julie Hall

An estimated 50% of us have a will or trust! This is not good news!

Most people have not yet comprehended (or accepted) that dying without a will is a very costly mistake that will negatively impact all you leave behind. It’s not just about the hassles and frustrations your heirs will go through potentially for years, but the expenses involved. Ultimately, the state you live in will make decisions regarding your estate that will not distribute it the way you would have chosen. In a nutshell, get it done now and leave a legacy of respect, instead of resentment.

For those who do have a will, it is important to consider any changes in mental and physical health, as these could greatly impact the outcome of someone’s wishes. For example, let’s say mom’s healthcare power of attorney states that dad makes all decisions for mom in the event she is incapacitated, vegetative state, etc. Suddenly dad is exhibiting odd behavior and is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which is progressing rapidly. Can he now make sound decisions for mom? Or, mom may not think about these details and this is the time for the children to talk with her about it.

So many Boomer children don’t know how to talk with their parents about these delicate issues, so permit me to offer some very sound advice. It has to be done; it has to be discussed, as painful as it is. If left “under the carpet,” no answers will be available to you should they become infirm or die. Get the answers now, and do so with love and compassion.

Here’s one example: “Mom, we were thinking about yours and dad’s situation. Now that dad is showing a decline in health, new decisions have to be made and documented so your wishes are fulfilled the way you would like them to be. Dad is no longer capable of understanding complex issues, and you will need to choose a new healthcare power of attorney, so we can ensure the correct decisions will be made. Can you please give this some thought? Can we make an appointment with your attorney to have this changed soon?

This one example really gets you thinking. Anytime there is a significant change in your life or a parent’s life, consider discussing ith an elder law or estate planning attorney. Being proactive isn’t always easy or pleasant, but it can head off gut-wrenching issues that will occur at some point, especially if you have elderly loved ones. Making sound decisions in the midst of crisis is not the optimal time to think clearly.

Lead with love, and start communicating while you can!

What should I keep when cleaning out Dad’s house?

November 29, 2010 | Julie Hall

Don’t sell, give away, or donate anything until a professional has looked at it. So many Boomers throw away or give away personal possessions worth a fortune, simply because they don’t know the values. Tell everyone “no” until the appraiser has reviewed everything. The cost to pay a personal property appraiser is nothing compared to what you could find, not to mention the peace of mind it will offer you!

Keep the following:

Anything that can provide family history.
Family heirlooms if they are wanted and will be cherished. Don’t force heirlooms on the children if their hearts aren’t in it.
Evaluate all items of perceived monetary value (hire that appraiser).
Some family photographs.
Items that are rare or unusual (some antiques fall into this category) IF someone has room for them and wants them. It’s ok to sell if no one wants them.
Jewelry — have it appraised first.
Items with historic significance — may donate if no family member wants them.
Important documents must be kept together until they are all sorted through by the executor.
Collections: gold, coins, guns, stamps, etc. Always have them evaluated by a professional.
Antiques, artwork, paintings, sculpture — must be evaluated by a professional.
Military items. Not only are these items sought after by collectors but may also be vital to family history.
Safes, safety deposit boxes, and their contents.
Anything you cannot identify.

Don’t take things just to take them. Select a few sentimental items that are small enough for you to use or display in your home. Great family and marital strife can develop if you take too much. Remember, the more you take now, the more your children will have to deal with later.

The BEST Way to Preserve Your Family History

August 30, 2010 | Julie Hall

Last week, I gave you 5 suggestions for preserving family photographs. Family history doesn’t have to be just about photos. It can be your father’s war items that you have displayed in a shadow box, like I saw recently at a friend’s house. Her father’s Army photo, with his dog tags, and several other mementos looked terrific on the wall, instead of thrown in a box that won’t be seen or admired much.

Perhaps Grandma never finished the quilt she was working on, and all you have are square remnants. Why not take these to a professional and have the remnants made into pillows for your siblings? I have even seen these framed.

Of course, I still feel the BEST WAY TO PRESERVE YOUR FAMILY HISTORY is to give your elders the most spectacular gift of all: yourself and some time. Spend a Sunday every few weeks and make it a point to record or videotape them (with their permission, of course). Or, just write down everything they say: the funny stories, the family tragedies, etc. Accumulate this precious information and create your own family memory/history book, based on first hand information.

Remember, one of the biggest regrets I see is when a loved one dies and it’s too late to ask questions. Find your own unique way to preserve your family history. Take a little time with a loved one, make their day, and learn about where you came from.

5 Steps to Preserving Your Family History

August 23, 2010 | Julie Hall

I feel that many of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s neglect to ask about our heritage until our loved ones are either infirm or they pass away. What can we do now to preserve our family’s history and heritage?

While your parents are still living, and if you are blessed to still have grandparents living, start asking questions. Have them share stories and ask to go through photographs so you can play the “name that person” game. All too often, I see heirs throwing away family photos because they are unidentified. Make sure you ask your older relatives prior to memory impairment.
Choose a small amount of photos that you would like to preserve and have them professionally copied for other siblings/heirs. This is a lovely and meaningful gift to give. Some clients have made memory books for each child, complete with the “who’s who.”
If there are too many photographs to have reproduced or it is not financially feasible to do so, use your digital camera and photograph each photo. This can be put on CDs for you and for other family members. It costs very little and takes up almost no room.
Remember if you handle original photos, keep them in acid-free envelopes. Use a post-it note on the back to identify each subject in the picture, until you can create your own inventory sheet, reproduction photo, or CD.
Use this article from Kimberly Powell to help you with proper scanning procedures: http://genealogy.about.com/cs/digitalphoto/a/digital_photos.htm

Today I’ve discussed photos only, but there are many more ways to preserve your tangible family history. Do you want to know the #1 BEST idea to presrve family history? Check back next Monday!

Preserve Your Family History

August 16, 2010 | Julie Hall

Today, like any other day, I walked out to my mailbox, and I found an envelope from my elderly father. I can’t remember receiving much mail from Dad in the past. It has always been Mom who sent me things. But it was Dad’s handwriting; I have been worried because he hasn’t been well. I opened the letter, not knowing quite what to expect. Much to my surprise, I found the following letter along with a handful of photographs that had been enlarged:

Dear Julie,

I am enclosing several enlargements of old slides I found in the back of the garage. I thought you and the others that are in the photos should have them — sorry, in some of them you weren’t even born yet. It is important for you to have these because they show both sides of your family — these are the people you come from. You should preserve these and show them to your children and grandchildren as your mother and I are doing now.

Love to all, Dad

Dad’s letter made me realize two things.

First, our older parents do think about these things and do worry that once they are gone, all family lineage will die with them. In my estate business, I see this all too often. On the flip side, I see families that preserve almost too much and it becomes information overload for the kids. Is there a happy medium? I think there can be.

Second, as a boomer myself, I feel that many of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s neglect to ask about our heritage until our loved ones are either infirm or they pass away. I have seen so many of my boomer clients say they “wish they could talk to mom and ask who is this person in the photo.”

So what can be done? I’ll give you some specific ideas next week!