How to Prevent Conflict Between Adult Children

March 28, 2011 | Julie Hall

A colleague in Canada invited me to create several podcasts for her website at Moving Forward Matters, Ottawa Home Transition Specialists.

The first one is titled, “How to Prevent Conflict Between Adult Children Before A Loved One Dies.” Here’s the link to the podcast: http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/2011/03/22/estate-planning-how-to-prevent-conflict-between-adult-children-before-a-loved-one-dies/

My greatest goal is to educate people and prepare them for the inevitable challenges of family members dealing with personal property accumulated over a lifetime. There are ways for parents (not just elderly parents) to prepare their children to deal with these possessions equitably, thereby avoiding years of hard feelings, sibling battles, court fights, and other ugly situations.

I hope you’ll listen to this podcast and then pass along a link to another family member or friend who may benefit from this advice. Remember, it’s not too early to simplify your possessions and create equitable plans for your children and grandchildren to follow.

Intangible Gifts Bring Joy this Holiday Season

December 20, 2010 | Julie Hall

Time’s running out for Christmas shopping, your debt is growning, and you still don’t know what to buy for certain people on your list. What to do?

Why buy anything? Why not give the best gift in the world — yourself?

Go visit someone you have been meaning to see for a long time. Surprise a loved one you haven’t seen for years.
Write that letter, bake those cookies.
Volunteer for those needing your help or visit shut-ins.
Make that phone call to make amends, because you and your mother haven’t spoken in years.
Bring your children to an assisted living or nursing home, and watch the residents light up. Have your children draw pictures and then visit and sing for those in shelters or facilities.
Say what you need to say, and do so right now.
Ask for forgiveness and always offer it, no matter what.
Offer hugs to those who really need it.
Make gifts for everyone on your list.
Listen to your elders because you will learn so much.

Do you have a senior on your list, and you don’t know what to give them?

Spend a full day with them and ask them to share stories of your family history — fun stories, challenges, family secrets, marriages, customs — and look through old photos. Record this day and create a book for them (with copies for your family members), so it may be passed down for years to come. Many children regret not having more family history, but realize this only after the loved one has died.
Find a special photograph and frame it. Ask an elder for a secret family recipe, so it can be carried on; then make it for them.

When we think of the upcoming holidays, we also need to be counting the multitude of blessings we do have, rather than wishing for the ones we don’t have. Make it a special holiday for others, and it will come back to you, in the form of contentment and joy — both in giving and in receiving.

My Christmas gift to you

December 13, 2010 | Julie Hall

Again this year, I’ve helped people understand the necessity of preparation before death, and helped them avoid battles over stuff after death. I have accumulated a wealth of understanding after nearly 20 years of experience handling personal property in estates.

My book, The Boomer Burden — Dealing With Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, provides practical and effective steps for liquidating and distributing your parents’ assets in a way that both honors them and promotes family harmony.

You’ve probably heard the stories: arguments over stuff, an inheritance lost forever when parents are scammed, siblings estranged, or an adult heir taken from daily responsibilities for months while trying to empty their childhood home.

This book is valuable for both senior adults and Boomer children. My trustworthy counsel covers the following areas:

Divide your parents’ estate with peace of mind
Minimize fighting with siblings during the estate settlement process
Clear out the family home in two weeks or less
Identify potential items of value in the home
Have “that conversation” with your parents
Prepare your own children for the future

Amazon.com carrys my book; you can purchase it in time for your family’s holiday celebrations. If you have a close relationship with parents and siblings, you owe it to all to keep harmony in the home after the unexpected death of a parent. If there are difficult relationships, distance between you and your parents, an accumulation of stuff in your parents’ home, and other thorny issues, please buy a copy of this book and save yourself even more pain and struggle.

One of the most distressing, yet integral parts of estate planning and liquidation is the division of personal property; who gets what? A vital conversation now can go a long way to prevent squabbling between the heirs after mom and dad pass away. For peaceful resolutions and wonderful guidance, please order The Boomer Burden. It has earned wonderful reviews, and it makes a great gift for siblings, parents, children, even clients.

This is my Christmas gift to your family: a wealth of information and valuable resources to protect the relationship, sanity, and peace among your family. The joy of preparation for the inevitable, and the kindness of knowing that everything is in order. Merry Christmas!

“Mom just told that same story and Dad can’t hear it anymore”

December 6, 2010 | Julie Hall

Many of us will gather with close family at Christmas and/or New Years. You may want to observe your parents, or other close relatives, and take note of any new signs of the aging process.

Some of these signs, if occurring infrequently, are no cause for panic. These signs could mean that your parents need to have someone check on them daily, or to consider assisted living.

Declining mobility
Vision problems
Loss of interest in favorite pastimes
Irritability
Hearing loss
Confusion
Repetition
Short-term memory loss
Fatigue
Unopened mail
Changes in the home environment
Unusual spending and/or hoarding (collecting)
Preoccupation with finances
Change in appetite or not eating well
Staying alone, isolation
Depression or anxiety
Bruising from stumbles or falls

What should you do if you notice any of these signs of aging in your parents? You shouldn’t overreact, or force the issue to discussion. You should not ignore the signs either. Just pay attention.

1. Begin keeping a diary or log of what you notice. By paying attention and keeping a record, you will be able to objectively determine if these behaviors are happening infrequently, or if they are getting worse and may need intervention.

2. Begin to think about the future. No one likes to face the inevitable facts of decline and death of our parents. Those who allow themselves to think proactively are much better prepared for the day when all they have left is their parents’ empty house. It’s the adult children who have been in denial who really become unglued when the end finally arrives.

With family gathered, this may be a good opportunity to observe and discuss the facts together as siblings. Go for a walk or out for coffee together. A little investment of time when all are together may ease the challenges you’ll face later.

Whatever you observe, continue to love them and make great memories together as a family!

Tonight: “Top 10 Tips for Dealing with Your Parents’ Personal Property”

November 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

Join me tonight at 7 pm! I’ll be discussing the top 10 ways you can help your parents before a mental or physical crisis occurs.

With the holidays coming close, this is a perfect time to discuss important issues with your family, especially your parents. More important than deciding which side dishes to serve for Thanksgiving, this is information that will be most valuable to your family!

Join me for this FREE teleseminar on Tuesday, Nov 16 from 7-8 pm. I’m joining Anne Holmes of the National Association of Baby Boomer Women. Julie Hall Teleseminar link I’ll be taking questions too, so please call in and ask me your question.

After the seminar has concluded, I’ll post my top 10 list right here for you to download and share.

6 Big Mistakes People Make with Personal Property

November 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

Personal property and heirlooms — we spend a lifetime accumulating them, inheriting them, caring for them, collecting them, and talking about them. But we rarely know the values and we rarely make a plan for what happens to our personal property.

Here’s my list of the biggest mistakes. Hopefully, you don’t see yourself in this list.

1. Parents don’t share final wishes with their children. They don’t share vital documents, especially the will/trust, or at least tell the children where they are located.

Children are then left to guess the parent’s wishes, which is a very bad thing. Children live with guilt for the remainder of their lives, wondering if their “guess” was what mom and dad would have wanted. What a heavy load to carry!

2. Parents don’t make a plan for personal property. They don’t create a master list, or ask what the heirs would like to have. They definitely don’t gift any of their possessions while they are still alive.

3. Parents know that death and infirmity will certainly come, but they do nothing to anticipate or minimize fighting after they are gone.

4. Children have opposite opinions because the parents didn’t tell their wishes to the children. This starts fights and feuds that can last for the remainder of their lives.

5. Children are hasty with parents’ possessions. Heirlooms with significant value can end up in a dumpster or yard sale. They decline to hire a professional to ascertain what’s valuable before distribution and disposal.

6. Chilren have a tendency to give away, throw away, or donate before they know the worth of those items. Be leary of unscrupulous people who ask for a “memento” and go for the most valuable item, which you may or may not have valuated.

Did you see yourself in this list? If so, now is the time to take action and resolve these issues. As I’ve said before, you don’t want to become one of The Estate Lady’s sad stories!

The Executor’s Role in an Estate

November 3, 2010 | Julie Hall

You’ve been chosen as the executor for your parents’ estate, or you’ve selected the executor for your estate. What does the executor do?

First, the executor must follow the provisions of the will, which is called fiduciary duty. This is a legal relationship between two parties, bearing the highest standard of care by the executor to the person who requested him/her. The executor cannot do what he or she wants to do, since the court oversees and must approve of the actions of the executor.

Second, the executor has to complete all the responsibilities of his/her role. Even if you are disappointed that your sister was chosen as the executor instead of you, maybe you should be thankful. Being named an executor carries huge responsibilities that cannot be ignored or shirked. The best thing you can do, if you are not the executor, is to support the person who is!

Next, the executor has the responsibility to secure any valuable belongings, including the house, until they are distributed. Locks should be changed immediately on the house, garage, and any outbuildings or storage units. If there are valuables, like jewelry, that should be protected further, the executor may remove those from the house for temporary storage. In both cases, all heirs should be notified of the changed locks and the offsite storage of valuables. Everything should be documented.

Further, the executor should locate all important papers, including the will, financial records, master list (if one exists), and important contact information. These contacts would include the estate attorney and financial planner or accountant.

Finally, the executor handles the equitable (hopefully!) distribution of the decedent’s assets, according to their stated wishes. This involves much communication, promoting harmony between heirs, and navigating the minefields of relational issues that creep into this process.

Appreciate the executor of your estate, and prepare as much as you can in advance. There is no substitute for good records and good communication!

How to Find the Best Executor for your Estate

October 25, 2010 | Julie Hall

If there is truly a job that no one wants, it has to be the Executor of an estate. Being the executor requires great time and effort, and it is usually a thankless job.

Mom and Dad, if you are choosing an executor, here are some suggestions, First, I recommend that you select an executor who is up to the challenge, not advanced in age, not a procrastinator, and someone who will have your best interests at heart. Heirs or your children who will receive from the estate are not usually the best choice.

Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings when you make your choice. This is your estate and it must be handled in a manner that is comfortable to you. To do the job well, the executor must put your desires and wishes before anything else.

Help your executor out while you are still living. Prepare your important papers, like your last will and testament, and make sure your executor knows where to find the papers. Be sure to keep them updated every few years.

Besides your important legal papers, does your family know your last wishes? Do they know how you wish to distribute your belongings? Be sure that specific bequests are spelled out in your last will and testament. If you want Susie to receive your china, and you want Frank to receive your books, create a master list of these items to store with your important papers.

Better yet, why not “gift” your possessions while you are still alive? You’ll have the pleasure of seeing the joy on your heirs’ faces when they receive that piece of jewelry or collectible they have always wanted. You’ll also reap the benefit of saving your children from struggles and feuds after you pass away.

6 Practical Ways to Help Your Parents This Fall

September 13, 2010 | Julie Hall

Now that the weather is cooling and the leaves are ready to fall, here are 6 practical ways that you can assist your elderly parents.

Help your parents protect all their assets. Know all the professionals they work with, i.e. CPA, financial planner, attorney, etc.
Know the location of all their important documents. If the documents are in a locked cabinet or fireproof storage, know where the keys are kept.
Have the important conversations with them about their wishes for the future, who will be their executor, healthcare power of attorney, and discuss distribution of the heirlooms and personal property.
You can’t take it with you! If they are able, suggest to your parents that they write a master list of who should get what, and give the document to the executor. Or, they can ask each child what they would like to have, and put that on a “wish list”. A document cuts down on the “he said-she said” that often goes on when settling an estate.
Start de-cluttering and thinning out your parents’ home now. Often children are overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff” in their Depression Era parents’ home. This is a good way to begin the process of cleaning out, so you won’t have to do it all at once later. Make sure you have their permission.
Always come from a place of love. You will have several difficult conversations and awkward moments when asking your parents these questions. Always approach them with love. For example, “Mom, we are very worried about you and would like to have a talk about what you would like for your future. Sue and I would like to honor your wishes, but first, we need to know what those wishes are.”

For more practical tips and compassionate advice, read my best-selling book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. Check the right side of my blog for a link to order both my books.

7 Estate Tips for You This Fall

September 6, 2010 | Julie Hall

Now that school is back in session and Labor Day is over, it’s time for us all to get back into our routines which we abandoned in the heat of the summer. Here are 7 tips that I want you to add to your routine this fall and winter.

Make sure you and your spouse have a Will/Trust/legal documents. Better than 50% of us don’t have one, leaving our heirs to fight and “guess” our wishes and intentions. Dissolving an estate is not the time for guesswork
Make sure someone knows the location of these legal and other important papers, such as life insurance, financial information, as well as computer passwords and keys to safe deposit box.
Simplify your estate by starting to get rid of your own stuff now. Clean out the garage, attic, and closets — we have too much stuff! By doing this now, your kids won’t be angry with you later for leaving them a big mess. We only use the same 20% of what we have anyway … Reduce!
If something new comes into the house, two things have to exit, whether it be for charity, selling it, etc. Avoid the clutter that comes from constant buying. Think “simple and easy.”
Have that courageous conversation with your spouse or children (if they are old enough). Tell them your wishes for the future, then go the distance and document all this so they have a guidance system when the time comes.
Consider gifting heirlooms and other important items while you are still living. This minimizes future fighting, and you have the joy of seeing the recipient’s face when they receive their gift.
Always hire a personal property appraiser for items of value in your own home or your loved one’s estate. Only then can equitable distribution take place.

Next week, I’ll give you 6 tips for your parents’ estates.