Why You Should Never Keep Things in the Attic

April 12, 2010 | Julie Hall

After cleaning out estates for almost 20 years, my assistant and I have a saying I’d like to share: “People shouldn’t put stuff in attics. They’re young when they put it up there, and when they finally think about cleaning it out, they are too old.” Somewhat comical, it holds a ring of truth as well. I’ve seen so many attics in my lifetime; I can predict with 98% accuracy what’s up there and the position it is placed in!

It’s pretty amazing to consider that the majority of people you know have full attics. What’s even more amazing is that 90% of what is in the attic is no longer usable; it can’t even be donated anymore because it has passed its’ expiration date! Some people store clothing, floral arrangements, cardboard boxes they think they will use again, lawn furniture, electronics that for whatever reason no longer performed well, or they were broken altogether. So I must ask the question, “If they didn’t work then, why were they stored in the attic for 40 years?” Why weren’t they just discarded to begin with? Herein lies one difference between the generations.

The younger Boomers, Generation X and Y, do not want clutter or anything that is considered garbage laying around the house. It simply doesn’t belong there if it can’t be used or enjoyed.

Your attic is a breeding ground for critters: furry, slithery, creepy-crawly, and little un-named things in the dark that gnaw and poop, often at the same time. Clothing get eaten or rot, any kind of plastic will become brittle, dolls’ faces decompose, quilts disintegrate, old trains rust, furs fall apart, cardboard flakes in your hands, and old electronics that were obsolete then are still obsolete.

Let’s not forget the smell!! You know the smell I am referring to — that mildewy, mold-like stench that refuses to dissipate and only irritates your respiratory system from the moment you step into the attic.

I believe the original intent of attics was simply to hold things like luggage and some Christmas decorations. But if the hundreds, maybe thousands of attics I have stepped into are any indication, we treat them as another home that simply holds things we are too tired to deal with. So we keep stuffing it up there, where no one goes to look. You know the old saying: “Out of sight, out of mind.” That might be so … until you pass away and your loved ones need to empty it in the midst of grieving.

Use the Estate Lady’s rule of thumb: If you haven’t used it, haven’t seen it, or had no need for it in 6 – 12 months, let go of it! It will only be a burden to someone else one day!

The Art of Procrastination

March 29, 2010 | Julie Hall

Why do some procrastinate when dealing with death, caregiving, and other challenging issues? That is the million-dollar question!

Some of us are exceptionally good at doing things and tending to every imaginable task, like it or not. Some of us are followers that are very good at taking direction from the doers. Still, others are extremely skilled at procrastination and avoiding the elephant in the room, even if it must be dealt with.

In my 20 year professional quest for the answer to procrastination, I am reminded of an image we have all seen in old “spaghetti westerns”, the old cowboy pushing and cursing at his stubborn donkey to get up and go! The same is true for our clients, relatives, and friends. Never is it more unnerving than when you are trying to settle an estate, handle issues related to an illness or the death of a loved one, and the decision maker is — dare I say it — a procrastinator.

Why do some procrastinate?

First, they don’t have the ability to, or simply can’t, deal with the issue at hand. Perhaps it is too emotional, or they are just indecisive people to begin with and tackle all life’s issues in this manner.

Second, they simply don’t want to handle this issue. Often, but not always, these personality types ill allow people who are doers to come in and take over the reins (literally). With people like this, I always map out a plan — here’s what happens first, second, etc. They like to know what is going on, but don’t necessarily desire to be a part of the process.

Third, why deal with it today when I don’t have to? There’s not much I can say about this type. I have seen many unexpected deaths in my line of work, and to me, there’s no time like the present. Why put it off when it has to be done anyway? Just do it!

There is no known cure for procrastination. One would think that time and experience would teach people not to put things off. Since the beginning of time, people have put things off because they didn’t want to think or act. That’s why so many people perish without having even a basic will, let alone having many other vital issues discussed and planned out.

Procrastination is a bad word. Planning, while you are in control and have your say, is a beautiful gift to everyone around you!

“Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.” ~~Napoleon Hill

How Not to Become One of the Estate Lady’s Sad Stories

March 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

In my book and in many of my articles, I tell stories of estates I have handled with sad outcomes; either the parents were unprepared when death came, or there are serious and tragic family rivalries over possessions. These stories are avoidable with preparation. Real stories, every bit the truth, seem to stick with people better than a list of reasons.

The best protection against family rivalries is an updated will from your parents, along with preparation and preplanning with mom and dad. So, here’s how NOT to become one of my sad stories in a future book or article.

Encourage your parents to create a wish list of what they want to give and to whom, and distribute copies to every child or heir. This way, everyone has a copy, and if they are unhappy, they have to take it up with the parents while they are still alive.
Understand that you are not entitled to anything unless someone gives you an inheritance or a gift. Your parents can do whatever they want with their estate. Just being their child does not guarantee you an inheritance. If you receive an inheritance, be exceptionally thankful.
Understand that settling an estate is one of the most difficult things you and your siblings will go through, especially during the division of personal property. Chances are pretty good you won’t be pleased with the outcome of what you walk away with, but be thankful anyway.
Remember that this is not about you; it’s about what your parents want. This is why it is imperative that a last will and testament and other legal documents be drawn up by an attorney. You should encourage your parents to make decisions prior to infirmity or death.

Know the Plan

March 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

Knowledge is power. The more facts you know about your parents’ estate plans, the less you will have to decide on your own later. Make sure everyone in the family has talked with them about their estate planning and their final wishes. It is imperative that you know the following:

Is there a will?
Where is the will?
Where is a copy of the will?
Is the will updated? A will should be reviewed every 10 years or sooner. If there is no will, enlist the help of an estate planning attorney; discuss health care issues and trusts as well.
Do you know who the executor is?
Do you know who your parents’ attorney is?
Do you know who your parents’ financial planner is?
Do you know what to do if your parents have to move to assisted living?
Do you know your parents’ end-of-life wishes?

Ask these questions now, and have the vital conversations as a family now, before you have to make decisions and locate valuable information in the midst of a crisis.

How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others

February 22, 2010 | Julie Hall

I find it hard to believe there is actually a word in the English language that could possibly describe what caregivers go through. There can’t be. What is experienced during the caregiving process is often a deep, emotional shift accompanied by confusion, frustration, even resentment for many. Somewhere along the line, one loses oneself and their individuality blurs with the needs of the loved one.

Most are caregivers out of love and affection, and others caregive because it is not financially feasible to pay for professional care. Perhaps a child has a strong desire to care for mom and dad, or possibly a sense of obligation. They will caregive for as long as they can, only to surrender when they reach a point when they can no longer offer the quality of care the loved one really needs. It make no difference what the scenario is — all have experienced the same emotional labor.

Who then will care for you, the caregiver? Ultimately the answer is you. We’ve all heard the saying: “You have to remain strong for those you care for, so please take care of yourself.” But are caregivers really taking the time to replenish their bodies, minds, and souls? If I were a betting lady, I would say no.

As a dutiful daughter myself, I would, without thought, put my parents first at every turn, and would eventually become weak in body, mind and soul. Lost somewhere between raising children and tending to fragile parents, there is a place called limbo, and we must prevent ourselves from going there by anchoring to a solid, stable place.

What I have learned along the way from my clients is that it is 100% necessary to tend to yourself. This brings with it the image of being on an airplane; the flight attendant talks about placing the oxygen over your moutn before assisting others. You do this because without you, others might perish. The strong one must get stronger (have oxygen) before helping those who aren’t strong. Place the mask over your face and “breathe.” The same is true when your feet are on the ground, and you are a caregiver.

Next week, I’ll offer some specific suggestions for bringing “oxygen” to your own life. Please come back!

8 Ways You Can Help Your Elderly Parent BEFORE Crisis

February 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

Here are 8 ways that you can be proactive and and take action now to help de-clutter your parents’ home. Do this now for their sake, and for your own sake. I can tell you from personal experience: you do not want to have to do this in “crisis mode.”

Have the important conversations with your parents. Approach them with love and ask them about their wishes. Try to gain an understanding of their financial situation. Be sure to know where all the important legal documents are kept.
Start to de-clutter your parents’ home. Since they won’t likely appreciate this, suggest that you are helping them avoid both a fire and a tripping hazard. Start by removing expired food, unused things, piles of newspapers, etc.
Discuss and document allocation of personal property and heirlooms. Create a wish list and ask an appraiser to assess the values. Suggest “gifting” of special items while your parents are still alive.
Every time you leave their house, take a few bags of donation items with you. Dress the less fortunate. Tell your parents you are helping them to “thin out” the house.
If your parents have already moved out or passed away, begin the process of clearing out the house by using three piles to sort belongings: donate, sell, keep.
When in doubt, always have a personal property appraiser evaluate antiques, collectibles, and anything you are not sure about.
Continue to keep in touch with siblings and keep everyone on the same page. This is the only way that whole family will maintain close and healthy relationships through this process.
Always come from a place of love. In the end, life is about MUCH more than the stuff. It’s about the wonderful, deep, and abiding relationships within our families.

That’s my thoughts for this week. Click on the “leave a comment” line below, and let’s discuss this together.

Letting go of your possessions is harder than you think

February 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

In the last post, I included a list of some reasons why people have a hard time letting go of their stuff. I want to continue the conversation with a couple of important suggestions from my experience as an appraiser of residential contents and estate liquidator.

First, if you are clearing out many possessions, enlist the assistance of a personal property appraiser. When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate/home appraised prior to distributing or selling contents. Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value. There are some children who feel that “everything is junk” and then discover through an appraisal that some pieces have significant value. Family stories through the years can also add to the anticipation of great-grandfather’s chair being more valuable because it is so old. Remember, age is not the only determining factor of true value.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of the heirs generally won’t take much. Their children allready have houses that are full from being married 20 years or so, and adding more will only fuel marital strife. The younger generations appear to want nothing but cash assets. Even if your children do take items, their children definitely don’t want them now and most likely will feel the same in the future. They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions, when they could take the cash they receive and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn.

Holding onto possessions for the sake of not wanting to let them go will leave a massive burden for the children/heirs. Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action!

‘Til Death Do Us Part

February 1, 2010 | Julie Hall

Most of us enjoy hearing those words during a wedding ceremony where the new couple is floating in bliss and envision being by each other’s side until death separates them. From my perspective, however, I see people who have a very passionate reliationship with their material possessions; sometimes more so than with each other! If I didn’t know any better, I would say they feel confident that they can take their possessions with them when they leave this earth.

With almost two decades in the estate industry helping people make decisions about the dissolution of personal property, I have seen it all. And in all those years, I have tried to figure out why people have such a hard time letting go.

It is important to note that often the Depression Era generation is the one that accumulated the most. Their parents did not have much and probably possessed more utilitarian items because of the time period. When their parents passed away, they did not distribute or sell those items — they absorbed them, which means the Boomers have much more to deal with when their Depression era parents pass away.

Here are a few thoughts on why people hold on to so much:

You just never know when I’m going to need this.
There are so many things I could use this for.
If I only hold onto it long enough, it will become valuable.
It is already old, so it must be valuable.
I did without this as a child, and I will not do without again.
It was a gift and I will honor the giver by keeping it.
The more I leave for the kids, the more they will have.
I worked very hard for these things, and I will pass them down.
They bring comfort and familiarity.
Sentimental reasons
Too overwhelmed to let it go — emotional attachment
“I’ll let my kids deal with this after I’m gone.”

What do you think? I’d love to hear your reasons for keeping things; click “leave a comment” below this blog. We’ll talk more about the problem and the solutions in the next couple of weeks. Please come back!

Conversation Starters for You and Your Parents

January 25, 2010 | Julie Hall

It is never easy to talk with your parents about future issues. Here are some conversation starters that will make it more comfortable for you and your parents.

“Mom, you’ve been such a great help to me over the years. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Mom and Dad, sometimes I worry about you living all alone. Are there any things we could do to help you?”
“Dad, when Uncle Jim passed away, his family fought for weeks over things. Do you ever worry that Mike and I will be like that?”
“Ever since Mom’s stroke, I’ve been worried about your meals and things. Are you doing all right?”
“Jim and I started looking closer at our retirement account, and we’d love to pick your brain about all the things we need to know about retirement.”
“Dad, do you ever worry about Mom if she had to go it alone without you?”

Parents, listen to your children. And children, listen to your parents. This is a critical conversation for all of you, and you want to make sure you communicate well. Just like when we were kids at school, don’t be afraid to raise your hand and ask questions. Making assumptions or guessing about what the other one wants can be dangerous and lead to places you don’t want to go. Remember what your teachers used to tell you: there’s no such thing as a dumb question!

For more help on this and many other topics related to your aging parents and their stuff, please read my book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. It’s available from Amazon.com or click on the link at the right of this article.

The Death Bed Thief

January 18, 2010 | Julie Hall

Exploitation can raise its ugly head in the midst of unsuspecting situations. Such was the case with the Garvey family (not real name). Mom and Dad Garvey were about the nicest people you’d ever wish to meet. Their three adult children lived nearby; they loved to have all the grandchildren over for Sunday dinners. All of the children were successful, and the family often took vacations together. As Mom Garvey shared with me, she could not recall one moment of discord between her kids.

Dad Garvey was diagnosed with cancer at age 73, and the disease progressed rapidly. He had lived a good life, and faced his illness with grace and courage. Even as his strength waned, he loved having his family visit. But soon death was imminent and hospice was called in to assist him and his family. That’s when strange things began to happen.

One of his daughters became uncharacteristically possessive. She wanted to be at Dad’s bedside around the clock. Normally a sweet and accomodating person, she would snap at her mother over the smallest thing. She accused her siblings of not caring enough for their dad, even as she tried to prevent them from being with him during his final days.

Eventually Dad Garvey passed away, with his wife and children at his bedside. But as the funeral director’s hearse pulled up to take the body to the funeral home, the same daughter disappeared into the basement, while the others comforted one another in their grief.

It was a few days later that they discovered what the daughter had been doing. Apparently, while she was keeping vigil by her father’s bedside, she was also surveying his belongings. When he died, she quickly grabbed the things she had stashed in the final couple weeks of his life. Mysteriously, even though Dad Garvey had prepared a will, it was never found.

This is a scary story, no doubt. But imagine, for just a moment, how different this story would have gone if the parents had given serious consideration to dividing their estate prior to infirmity or death. At the very least, they should have distributed a master list of what they wanted each child or heir to have, making sure that each child received a copy. The will should have been given to the executor or another trusted professional, so it would have been available upon death.

If every child knows the plan in advance, it will be much harder for one child to take the lion’s share. Unfortunately, this scenario occurs every single day, because no one planned ahead!

The Estate Lady

Plan Ahead