Love People and Use Things, Not Love Things and Use People

August 6, 2012 | Julie Hall

I found this entry in the old journal my late mother wrote back in the 90’s. It is a small, leather, white book with gold leaves; she wrote some of her favorite quotes in it. As an expert in “things,” I really like this quote because it is directly related to what I see everyday. “Love people and use things, not love things and use people.”

People are so anchored to their things and equate themselves and their success (as well as their legacy) to these “things.” A legacy doesn’t mean leaving the kids with a large house full of collectibles. It means love them and teach them. That is ultimately what we take away with us and what means the most. Don’t misunderstand — leaving behind an heirloom or two is a lovely gesture, but I am referring to people who haven’t quite figured out that you can’t take it with you.

Turn on the TV and you will see that we are bombarded with shows about finding stuff and making money. One about finding hidden treasure in storage units and another who makes a good deal of money off other people’s lack of knowledge. Believe me when I tell you that 99% of people are going to remove from storage anything that has exceptional value, prior to them being locked out and forfeiting to public auction! Believe me when I tell you that those values are NOT accurate and not part of the real world. We’re in a recession! That’s just Hollywood.

We spend a lifetime collecting it, buying it, inheriting it, finding it, and then one day, we perish and leave this “load” for our kids.

How about we stop buying the stuff, sell the collectibles, and leave the cash to the kids, which they can really use and will hopefully truly appreciate? I know I would. This comment, while you may not agree, comes from years of listening to the children complain about this issue and why their parents never sold the things which mean nothing to them personally. The stuff becomes a huge headache to deal with; mom and dad said the items were so valuable and the kids discover in today’s market, the value is very low.

If we don’t get rid of the things, I see those children really struggle with guilt when the parents leave them. They end up filling their homes with the stuff, much to their own children’s and spouse’s chagrin.

These things are an anchor that will only bring you down, or bring down your children and heirs. Get rid of the stuff, save the cash, and love your family! Long after we are gone, our children and grandchildren will remember us by our actions, not our things.

Skeletons in the Closet

July 30, 2012 | Julie Hall

We all have them. Some of them are small and insignificant, and others are whoppers. But whatever one is in your closet, remember one very important thing: One day, we too will perish, and we don’t want our loved ones pained further by any skeletons they may find in our closets. What’s the solution? Deal with them, get rid of them if they are physical items, talk openly about them so no one is shocked or hurt. Just get that monkey off your back and let it go.

It’s always amazing what we find in estates. Some families try to clean them out, but soon lose steam and call us in to handle it. Some families don’t even want to tackle the job to begin with and hire us from the start. We find evidence of alternate lifestyles, illegitimate children from decades ago, infidelity, disorders, reasons for a suicide, pornography addiction, etc.

These are incredibly personal issues that belong to the individuals. They have to be handled with grace and compassion, but often the shock they bring leaves families in a downward spiral. For whatever reason, through their own choices or fate, these skeletons were left behind, and I have seen some of these skeletons bring about much pain for survivors.

Each of us has a life to live however we choose. But take a good look at your home and your life and do a clean sweep to make sure there is nothing left behind that could be potentially harmful or hurtful.

When we find sensitive “skeletons,” depending on what they are, some just need to find their way to the garbage, and demand discretion. Some need never be talked about and taken to the grave. This issue is among the many gray areas we deal with in handling estates. One thing is clear: all of these that we mentioned here require kindness, compassion, and potentially, discretion. Remember, we can’t judge until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes; it’s how we handle them that makes or breaks the situation, or us.

From One Extreme to Another

July 23, 2012 | Julie Hall

What I love about my work is that no two days, or families, are alike. I recently worked with a child of an elderly parent who is “ready to get the ball moving and clear out the house now.” Not time to go through it much — just get it empty and ready to be sold. Why? Because he has a financial interest in the property and he openly admitted it.

On the flip side, I know of other children of the elderly who are painstakingly going through the estate to uncover (and even cherish) every piece of paper mom ever touched. I have seen people hug toasters claiming a special “memory” and even packing up her old coupons to keep, though they expired in 1971.

Somewhere there has to be a happy medium.

I have seen children claim they’re not taking much from mom and dad’s estate because their own houses are so full there is no more room and “my husband will kill me if I take any more stuff.” Then, when I go back into the estate to do my work, it has been so picked over, there is nothing left but donation items.

I have my own theories about why people have difficulty letting go, particularly the Depression era and older boomer children. But what they don’t realize is these items will one day become a monkey on the backs of their children. It’s time to give this serious thought.

The younger kids don’t want the majority of it; what their parents have done is pass the buck to another generation who doesn’t have the same appreciation for these items as their parents do. As a result, these items will find their way to the dump, Goodwill, yard sales, etc. And the child will be resentful that they have to take the time to deal with the stuff, because their parents never did. That is not the kind of legacy I choose to leave.

Best as I can figure out, they believe that by leaving more stuff, they are leaving a valuable inheritance in their eyes. No one can discount the value of sentiment, including me. But why are they taking a table saw when they’ve never used one? It will only take up a huge amount of space and become problematic in the future, sitting there with an inch or two of dust on it. By the time someone goes to sell it, it will be considered antiquated and obsolete. It’s only purpose at that point, will be as an anchor.

Keeping that in mind, I also find military medals thrown in the trash where they keep company with the family photos that have been tossed. If it doesn’t make sense to you, then you’re in excellent company. You just never know what you’re going to get. It’s all in the eye of the beholder.

I’ve Created a New Blog Called “In The Trenches”

July 14, 2012 | Julie Hall

I’ve just created another blog called “In the Trenches: THE Alzheimer’s Support Blog for Caregivers.” You are welcome to join with us! Please let your friends know about this if they need a community for Alzheimer’s caregivers. The more people who participate, the greater the support and blessing for all.

alzheimercaregiver.wordpress.com

Here’s what I wrote in the Welcome on my new blog:

I am a daughter whose parent is afflicted with Alzheimer’s. This blog will be a blessing for many. My goal is for this to become our personal respite for those days when we’ve bitten off more than we can chew, or we can’t handle one more thing without bursting. For those moments where the next straw will actually break the camel’s back, we just need a haven to rest a weary mind and a heavy heart.

I wanted to create this for all of you out there who need a place to just let it all hang out, myself included. I encourage you to write in and leave comments, stay tuned, be touched, and watch our conversations flow. You are not alone!

I don’t know who you are or where you are from, but I do know the path you are on — the same path millions of us are on. We put so much love, compassion, time, and energy into the care and understanding of this disease that I’ve decided it’s time for us to have a place where we can be ourselves and share.

I hope and pray this finds your heart, as it did mine. Here’s to the renewal of our spirits and solace for our souls. God bless us all, everyone!

I’m Seeing a Paradigm Shift

July 9, 2012 | Julie Hall

Lately, I have had an influx of calls that are resembling a pattern. Boomer children are coming to grips with the financial hardship of long-term care for our elderly parents — and it comes at a high price. We are living longer, but not necessarily healthier.

It used to be these boomers, of which I am one of them, called me to come out and appraise a few items or advise them on the best way to dissolve their estate. Today, the phone calls have shifted to something a little more alarming. “We need you to come out and advise us what these items will bring in today’s market. Mom is in assisted living/nursing home and we have to sell everything to keep up with her care. We even have to sell the family silver and heirlooms.”

These distress calls for help are a sign of the times. It’s part poor economy, part living longer, and part not planning or saving as well as we could have or should have during our lives. But even that last statement has multiple causes … I know many people who worked hard their entire lives, or were quite affluent, only to lose it in the stock market, ending up in possible foreclosure or financial ruin.

Sometimes it’s as simple as going through all the money the parent had, and now the children are doing their best to keep the parents’ care going; that includes selling what the children thought were valuable heirlooms. Sometimes they do have value and sometimes they don’t, but the wrong time to sell is when the market is soft.

We need to learn from these hardships which are taking so much out on the children. All of them thought it wouldn’t happen to them, but it did and it can.

I see a common denominator: We are buying too much stuff we don’t need. Shopping compulsions abound for men and for women. At the end of the day, we are surrounded by piles of stuff and little money for our future.

MORAL TO THE STORY: The frugal survive and thrive. A little less HSN and QVC and a little more money saved for a rainy day. This won’t solve all our problems, but it will build our confidence that we are doing all we can for an uncertain future, especially in healthcare costs.

A Lesson in Humility

June 25, 2012 | Julie Hall

Oh, how we all wish we had more money! Most of us are watching our money more closely, using coupons, and buying at good sales. There are some who spend in a thrifty manner and some who buy at high retail. Think for a moment, how blessed we are to hat least have money to buy the things we need. For the purpose of this blog, let us forget about the things we want, and concentrate on what we need.

My daughter and I spent time this weekend in a large homeless shelter that serves breakfast to about 250 homeless men. We were the new volunteers, and initially felt a bit awkward in this new environment. I think we also arrived with a “preconceived” notion of what to expect. Visions of dirty people from the street lying around, passed out from drugs and alcohol, filled my head. I silently wondered why so many of them were there and why they couldn’t get their lives together. Still, I wanted to give back and help instill in my daughter a sense of community and an understanding that not everyone is as fortunate.

About 20 volunteers buzzed around, each having a special job “behind the counter” setting up the food, juice, cups, trays, etc. I immediately sensed a hesitation for people to cross that line and be out front where the homeless people were getting lined up for breakfast. This hesitation, whether on a conscious or subconscious level, added to my trepidation about going out there and serving coffee among them — with my very attractive daughter in a room full of homeless men. This was concerning to me, but they needed two volunteers, and since no one came forth, it seemed life was pointing the way for us to do it. So, off we went to our new adventure. My teenage daughter and I went out there and served coffee and water to these men.

I expected these men not to maintain eye contact and was forewarned of this possibility. I expected them to take the food and coffee and run. I expected them to look down on us because we were “rich” to them. I expected bad attitudes and resentment. I expected my daughter to be creeped out and never want to return.

Boy, was I wrong. I suddenly found myself choked by both my own toxic thoughts, as well as humility that smacked me in the head. I was instantly humbled by their genuine “Thank you” and “We appreciate what you do for us.” I also heard “God bless you” and “Have a nice day.” Sure, I heard a few grumbles and complaints, but such is human nature. Not only was I forced to eat a piece of humble pie at that moment, but much like the Grinch, I could feel my heart grow three times as large.

And a miracle occurred as well. My teenage daughter, who is a good girl but rather “prickly” at times, smiled from ear to ear at an older man who told her to stay sweet. She told him, “Have a nice day. Sir!” I hadn’t seen her that animated and involved in a long time. And miracle #2? She can’t wait to go back! Wonders never cease.

My Favorite Quote

June 18, 2012 | Julie Hall

The Man in the Arena

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

— Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

I don’t think I could ever improve on President Roosevelt. Allow it to be an inspiration to you in your life. We are covered in dust and sweat, and we do try again and again to succeed. If those attempts were to cease, we would end up living a life of regret.

Don’t let that happen!

Keep daring greatly!

What I Learned From An Old Cat

June 11, 2012 | Julie Hall

It seems we are all in relentless pursuit of happiness. Maybe we have trouble finding it because we are so busy in the actual pursuit of it. If you’ve ever watched a kitten chase its tail or a hamster on a wheel, that’s pretty much how I view society in general. We are always racing to get somewhere, but if we are smart, we will learn to step off the track and breathe for a while before getting back on. We need respite and renewal first. Our old cat, Tommy, was the teacher for this one.

This past weekend, my family gathered around to watch a movie together. Halfway through the movie, I looked over at my elderly father who was fast asleep, and most surprisingly, the cat crashed next to him. Then the cat got up, stretched, and moved over to my daughter.

A true lap cat, Tommy is getting old, arthritic in his hips, getting thinner, and certainly not the fierce mouse hunter he once was. He used to stalk his territory and control the mole population. He used to leap in the air at falling leaves in autumn, and attack your leg as you were walking by. Incredibly vocal, he will tell you exactly what he needs when he needs it. But now, you could see youth was leaving him, yet he looked more contented than ever.

Here’s what went through my mind as I witnessed his contentment:

Life is too short not to take cat naps.
Happiness is found in simple things, like getting your back scratched.
No worries if the work doesn’t get done this second. It will get done eventually.
Kick back and dream about catching a big mouse.
He’s earned his rest.
He loves and trusts unconditionally.

I know our furry friends do not have the worries that we humans have, but if we go through life aware of what’s around us, we can learn a lot from nature’s intelligence!

This Part of Life Doesn’t Come With An Instruction Manual

June 4, 2012 | Julie Hall

I fell to pieces last night … literally an unrecognizable, weepy being frozen in my bathroom. My husband heard my sobs over his ever-increasing TV volume and shoot ’em up Army movie, so I must have really let it all hang out. To his credit and excellent nature, he came to comfort me without saying a word, understanding the pain inflicted on this lovely family.

I always thought I was incredibly strong, but when the realization hits that you are helpless against a loved one’s disease, there is no pain quite like it.

My dad is battling Alzheimer’s and he is losing. I can see it now and the heartbreak is almost more than I can bear. He answers the door when the telephone rings, pushes buttons on the telephone to lower the volume on the TV, and just fell last week and broke his nose. There’s more, but I won’t bore you. Dad is still exceptionally conversational and cares for himself very well. He’ll talk on virtually any topic, but politics and gardening seem to be his favorites.

Recently, for what seemed like an eternity but only took a few seconds in reality, he forgot that I was his daughter. Then a moment later, he caught himself. That is the first time that ever happened. I somehow managed to keep a poker face only through the grace of God, I’m sure, then managed to walk out to my car where I promptly called my brother and let it all hang out again.

I am not complaining. I am hurting. I hurt for dad who never deserved this horrid affliction. I hurt for him because he is in the stage where he knows something is amiss; it seems like a hellish limbo to me. Truth be known, I hurt for all the people out there that have this disease, and for all of us that are dealing with it on a daily basis. “It must be the work of the devil,” I told my husband. “He must be in such a lonely place.”

On the one hand, I praise the doctors for knowing as much as they do and helping as much as they can. On the other hand, I curse them because they don’t know enough. My mom made her exit from life rapidly, and I am seeing what a blessing that was.

As with anything negative, it is the wise who will turn it into something positive. Because of this life experience, I can now add another dimension to my work as The Estate Lady: assisting my clients who are also dealing with this same issue. I can most definitely relate, and now I can comfort them too. It has long been said that in comforting others, you also will be comforted. I certainly hope so. I feel another book coming on. I’m open to title suggestions ….

Literal Gold Diggers

May 28, 2012 | Julie Hall

When I think of a gold digger, my mind conjures up two images: 1) an 1800’s scruffy old man panning for gold, and 2) The Housewives of Beverly Hills, Atlanta, or wherever. In the old days, a gold digger was someone who ransacked the graveyards stealing gold from the deceased. In my world of estates, I see a different kind of gold digger; one that you won’t know exists until a loved one dies or takes seriously ill.

We see estates literally ransacked, like a bunch of coyotes rummaged through the place. Boxes that once sat neatly in the attic and closets are ripped open and left in a jumbled mess, opened with contents spilling out. Closets are left with clothes not on hangers, but in a huge heap on the floor! Kitchen cupboards are askew and I guarantee the silver is long gone. It would appear they left no stone unturned. Were they looking for gold, silver, or cold, hard cash?

What is this incessant need for people to take stuff and help themselves?

I call them Mr. Pilfer and Miss Pickpocket. They come in, often under cover of the darkness, and things disappear, never to be found again. Is it greed, the entitlement mentality, or just a lack of care and consideration for the memory of the loved one?

I have come to the conclusion, after talking with dozens of executors, that one of the problems is there are too many keys floating around. One of the first things I recommend is changing the locks to protect the contents until they are inventoried and/or valuated. Another thorn in the executor’s paw is that sometimes they will tell the family and extended members that “Uncle Joe was known for his cash stashes, guns, gold coins, etc.”

This just happened in the estate I was working in. The executor, thinking he was being honest and open with everyone, told the family there was cash in the house. You know what happened next? Ransack city.

Sometimes, the executor won’t even know there are valuables or cash, but other family members suspect there is money in the estate. It is the executor’s responsibility to protect what is in the estate! No one should go in until all is established and ready to be divided according to the will (if there is one). Hopefully, the executor is honest!

Moral of the story: Loose talk makes valuables walk.