Bring “Oxygen” to Your Own Life

March 5, 2012 | Julie Hall

There never seems to be enough hours in the day. If you are a caregiver, you know this better than anyone, for your schedule is not your own. Yet, I have heard many of my elderly clients say, “You must make the time because it is important to your well-being.” Here are some suggestions I have learned along the way that might bring some “oxygen” to your life, so you can breathe again.

You’re all you’ve got! Make dates with your spouse and children to keep your sanity in check, and the bonds of relationships fresh. This is imperative, so make yourself a promise to do this.
Rest and replenish, even if you have to steal private moments in the backyard, in prayer or meditation, or just sitting.
If you are experiencing guilt, anger, jealousy, resentment, etc., seek the assistance of close friends, a counselor, your minister or rabbi. Realize that most of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Know when to seek professional help, if you become depressed, anxious, or experience feelings that are not normal.
Combat depression by finding time to engage in an activity that brings you pleasure — a walk with your children or grandchildren, writing in your journal, getting out to shop for 2 or 3 hours. Respite care is available in many communities, just so you can rest from caregiving.
Pay attention to these things: sleeping, nutrition, exercise. Eat as well as you can; snack on fruits (natural pick-me-up) and granola bars, plus plenty of water. The brain is less tired when hydrated and your organs love it too. Sleep is one of the first things we miss in stressful situations. Instead of relying on sleep aids, try listening to soothing music, curling up with a good book, and cutting down on caffeine.
If your loved one is napping, pop a yoga DVD into the TV and do some stretching; very invigorating. Better yet, if you can get away for an hour, go get a massage.
Listen to music during the day, preferably easy listening, classical, or other calming music.
Spiritual self-care: make time for reflection and spend time with nature. Stay connected to your faith-based organization, or consider joining one. Be open to inspiration that will come from others. Surround yourself with kind and loving people.

Caregivers, Care for Yourself First

February 27, 2012 | Julie Hall

I find it hard to believe there is actually a word in the English language that could possibly describe what caregivers go through. There can’t be. What is experienced during the caregiving process is often a deep, emotional shift accompanied by confusion, frustration, even resentment for many. Somewhere along the line, one loses oneself and their individuality blurs with the needs of the loved one.

Most are caregivers out of love and affection, and others caregive because it is not financially feasible to pay for professional care. Perhaps a child has a strong desire to care for mom and dad, or possibly a sense of obligation. They will caregive for as long as they can, only to surrender when they reach a point when they can no longer offer the quality of care the loved one really needs. It make no difference what the scenario is — all have experienced the same emotional labor.

Who then will care for you, the caregiver? Ultimately the answer is you. We’ve all heard the saying: “You have to remain strong for those you care for, so please take care of yourself.” But are caregivers really taking the time to replenish their bodies, minds, and souls? If I were a betting lady, I would say no.

As a dutiful daughter myself, I would put my dad first at every turn, and would eventually become weak in body, mind and soul. Lost somewhere between raising children and tending to fragile parents, there is a place called limbo, and we must prevent ourselves from going there by anchoring to a solid, stable place.

What I have learned along the way from my clients is that it is 100% necessary to tend to yourself. This brings with it the image of being on an airplane; the flight attendant talks about placing the oxygen over your moutn before assisting others. You do this because without you, others might perish. The strong one must get stronger (have oxygen) before helping those who aren’t strong. Place the mask over your face and “breathe.” The same is true when your feet are on the ground, and you are a caregiver.

Next week, I have some specific suggestions to offer for the caregiver to administer “oxygen” to themselves first.

We are Stronger Than We Think

February 20, 2012 | Julie Hall

We just completed 3 estate clean-outs in a total of 36 hours. For someone who is not familiar with the estate industry, this is pretty close to achieving the impossible, not to mention physically back-breaking and mentally grueling. There were many moments during those 36 hours that negative thoughts crept into my mind when I was so tired, so frustrated, so in pain, still emotional from my recent loss of my mom and tending to dad, that I thought about quitting. The Estate Lady® doesn’t quit anything; so for me to admit that is a huge deal. My favorite mantra is “Failure is not an option,” which I borrowed from an old movie.

Coming home from each hard day’s work, I could feel the physical stiffness and arthritic pain take over. Then the tears would come. Then I just wanted to be left alone. My thoughts swung from feeling great accomplishment to feeling so tired that I couldn’t think straight.

It was at those exhausted and weak moments I thought, “This is it — I can’t do this anymore.” But I knew deep down that my love and passion for estate work and helping my clients go through the strain of the process was stronger than that. How would I ever find the strength to keep going?

Just when I thought I couldn’t get up and go anymore, something good would happen and my strength, spirit, and faith were renewed.

I’ve talked with others recently who feel rather low these days. I’d like to pass along a voice mail message a woman left me, who knew I was going through a lot lately.

“You are the type of person where blessings in life will always find you. You are also the type of person who will find blessings in life for you and your family.”

I loved hearing this. It meant someone out there thought enough of me as a person to know I do look for the simple, yet powerful blessings that come our way each day. You have to open your eyes and heart to them, and then they appear.

So just when you think you can’t, you will find the strength and see that you can. Remember, failure is not an option!

Vulnerable Parents Can Protect Themselves

February 13, 2012 | Julie Hall

If you read last week’s blog, this title sounds like a contradiction to that article. Read on, and you’ll understand how parents can protect themselves and prepare their belongings for distribution without exploitation.

In my work of helping seniors appraise the worth of their personal property, or liquidating it, I have seen examples of unsavory human behavior during the process. This comes from family, friends, neighbors, or strangers.

In dealing with a lifetime accumulation of stuff, seniors are often at a vulnerable place in their lives and daunted by the task. That’s when predators appear, driven by insensitive greed and persuasive powers. These unscrupulous mischief makers could be stopped in their tracks if only the senior had the knowledge of how much their personal property was worth.

They should also proactively create a master list of what they perceive to be treasures – either sentimental or financial. Parents should use professional appraisers to valuate their possessions now, adding the appraiser’s report to the master list, to protect from unscrupulous people, either inside the family or from outside.

When seniors have avoided making these choices by doing nothing for their estate planning and distribution, they are actually making a decision with dire consequences. I always recommend that seniors distribute their treasures personally now, or in writing for distribution at death. When the gift is personally made, however, they have the satisfaction of seeing the joy on the face of the recipient!

If a personal transaction is not done, then the next best thing is to write down who gets what on a master list. This master list should be kept safely with the will. Both documents will almost always minimize family disputes and exploitation.

Problems generate when the children or close relatives are burdened with dealing with the death of the senior, the pressure of dealing with the estate, and the overwhelming task of disposing of the personal property. Seniors who recognize their own responsibility in this matter and make the decisions themselves are practicing the best defense against family quarrels or exploitation in any guise!

Protect Your Vulnerable Parents

February 6, 2012 | Julie Hall

Your parents, especially those who live alone, are vulnerable to scams and schemes for three reasons. First, seniors tend to be trusting. They also may be lonely and sometimes distant from those who can protect them. Senior parents are also vulnerable because they worry about their financial security. Finally, scammers know that many seniors have money and valuable possessions.

Even though approximately 50 percent of elderly Americans are victims of financial exploitation, only 10 to 15 percent of the abuses are reported.

The following may indicate that your parents are being victimized:

* Sudden bank account changes, especially an unexplained withdrawal of large sums of money
* Unfamiliar long-distance telephone numbers, especially from overseas, on their monthly bill
* Significantly lower standard of living (change in eating and shopping habits; unable to afford things they once afforded)
* Selling higher-end items such as furniture, antiques, and so on
* Sudden disappearance of valuable possessions
* Increase in commercial or junk mail
* Sudden change in behavior; symptoms of depression or anxiety
* Increased worries over money

Your parents protected you when you were young with advice and example. Look both ways before crossing the street, never speak to strangers, and a host of other suggestions were meant to protect you. Sadly, our parents reach a point where they need us to protect them!

Here are six suggestions to protect your parents from scams and schemes:

1. Ask or discuss with your parents who has durable power of attorney.

2. Register your parents’ telephone numbers with the National Do Not Call registry (www.donotcall.gov).

3. Discuss with them the list of common frauds listed above. Ask them to contact you if they suspect anyone is trying to defraud them.

4. Ask your parents to contact you if anyone offers to buy any of their possessions.

5. Make sure a family member personally visits your parents on a weekly basis. If this is a challenge and you have other siblings, take turns.

6. Reduce junk mail for a small fee by going to either of these web sites: www.stopthejunkmail.com and http://mailstopper.tonic.com.

The National Center for Elder Abuse is an excellent resource for information on financial and other forms of abuse against senior citizens. It publishes reports and conducts research on this growing problem. NCEA’s mission is to promote understanding, knowledge sharing, and action on elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Its web site also offers links to other excellent resources and organizations also devoted to protecting senior citizens. Their web site is www.ncea.aoa.gov.

Honor your parents by standing between them and anyone who sees them as an easy target.

Sensible Shoes

January 30, 2012 | Julie Hall

I’ve always been a people watcher. My attention was drawn to a young lady wearing the most obscene pair of shoes. The heels were sky-high and the toes were so pointy, I could feel the gout pain flaring up in my own big toe and bunion. I watched her walk with much difficulty, holding a stack of books in her arms. But when she started up a set of stairs, those long pointy toes got in the way and she fell down, landing on her throat on the corner of an upper step with all her weight. I ran over to see if she needed help, knowing her thyroid (among other things) would never be the same.

I couldn’t help but wonder why we make the decisions we do, and why we sometimes make life so much harder on ourselves than it has to be. At the very least, why torment your feet — that glorious pair of bony attachments at the end of our legs that quite literally carry us through life? Seems a shame to punish them when they are so loyal to us.

I see it every day in my estates. We all carry too much. We all have too much. In fact, we have so much, we have trouble walking through our own lives carrying all our stuff. We aren’t making sensible decisions because we are too preoccupied with how we look and how much we own. What we all need is a good dose of sensibility.

There was a time when I wore stilettos (a very long time ago when I didn’t think about the damage it would do to me now at nearly 50). Today I prefer the simplicity of going barefoot in my own home. And for those times when going barefoot are not optional, I opt for good, sensible shoes. While I have been the butt of jokes from my teenage daughter regarding shoe selection, I have reached a point in my mature life where comfort outweighs how I look.

As for me and my feet, we choose sensibility. It’s my way of thanking them for carrying me through this obstacle-ridden journey of ours, and they in turn reward me with happy feet.

One less pain to deal with in life.

Finding the Good in the Bad

January 23, 2012 | Julie Hall

It’s never an easy thing, searching for the positive when “you know what” is hitting the fan. Lately, a lot of it is hitting the fan for everyone I know. If it isn’t one thing, we get slapped down by another. So the thought occurred to me, “Is this my karma, or someone else’s that’s been thrust on me for the sake of experience?” I’m a great person! Why is everything going wrong?

Maybe I am just along for the ride, and the purpose is for me to learn from these experiences and share them. But it sure feels like the world has gone mad … a captain who abandons his cruise ship and passengers, a scary time economically, political and government issues that never seem to get resolved … an uncertain future.

So, how can we find the good in the bad?

I think acceptance of some of the bad is part of it. Poop happens. It’s how we handle it that separates the good people from the not-so-good people. I also think having as good an outlook as possible is another big part of it. Every generation has seen historic events that are less than stellar, whether a world war, the great depression, disease, famine, etc.

Another thought is spreading your inner light to those who have it rougher than you, and there are plenty of people who have it rougher. If your light is bright, there is no better time than now to let it radiate to those around you.

As mom always said, “Julie, you need to take the negative and find a way to turn it around into a positive.”

Recently, I found myself in a situation where I really wanted to verbally blast someone who I felt was incompetent. I was so irate; I wanted to yell at them and give them a piece of my mind! But instead, something came out of my mouth that shocked even me. I simply looked at the person and said, “I don’t want to add to the problem or be a part of the problem. I want to be part of the solution.” When that left my mouth, I was suddenly empowered by my own words.

It must have been a higher power that planted those words in my mouth, because they saved me much aggravation and actually helped solve the problem. I recommend trying it sometime!

We Found This Unforgettable Letter in an Estate

January 16, 2012 | Julie Hall

“Please Take Care of This for Me” – borrowed from Robert N. Test, author

“The day will come when my body will lie determined by doctors to be without life. When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don’t call it my deathbed. Call it my Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby’s face, or the love in the eyes of a significant other. Give my heart to the person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my blood to a teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of a car, so he might live to see his grandchildren play. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist. Take my bones, every nerve and muscle to find a way to make a crippled child walk.

Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells if necessary, and make them grow so one day a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.

Burn what is left and scatter my ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil; give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs it. If you do all that I have asked, I will live forever.”

When Your Loved One Dies

January 9, 2012 | Julie Hall

A parent or grandparent has just passed away, and you are responsible for their estate liquidation. What do you do? Here are the most important practical steps to take, as you begin this process.

Change the locks on the estate immediately to prevent unscrupulous heirs from entering. While this will ruffle some feathers, it is absolutely the right thing to do to protect the assets from disappearing — and they will.
Secure the valuables, jewelry, money, sterling, artwork, etc. in a safe deposit box (if the executor has a safe at home) or other secure location with the understanding that the storage is just temporary. Never leave valuables in a vacant home as it will become a target. Also, this is not an excuse for heirs to “help themselves.” The executor will need to take charge and remain firm.
Look for a cash stash. Many people, particularly seniors, tend to hide money in places you would never think to look. If memory impairment was evident, leave no stone unturned because valuable items can surface in the strangest places. But remember too, a loved one with dementia will also give things away.
Search for important papers: will/trust, tax documents, papers for house/car, deeds, any inventory or appraisals, anything with family history documented, life insurance documents, etc.
Hire a professional certified personal property appraiser who is well-respected in the community to review the contents of the estate and ascertain what has value vs. what doesn’t. The appraiser can also act as a consultant who can advise on the distribution of the contents. They should never offer to buy what they appraise; that’s a conflict of interest.
Knowing ahead of time if there will be contentious moments with heirs and if you suspect trouble, get that appraisal report and divide the estate as equitably as possible, unless the loved one left specific instructions otherwise.
High end personal property should always be sent to an upper-tier auction gallery. Have it professionally valuated to see which auction it should go to. If liquidating the estate and it contains good, usable contents and plenty of small items, antiques and collectibles, hire a professional estate liquidator. (www.ASELonline.com)
Whoever you choose to hire, investigate them first by contacting the BBB, ask and check professional references, and make sure their company is registered in the state. Not every company is as it seems. You want a pro you can trust.

Sometimes Life’s an Oxymoron

January 2, 2012 | Julie Hall

A potential client sat in her parent’s affluent home asking my opinion as to how we should handle the dissolution of the property. In this case, I recommended a combination of auction and donation because it was not suitable for a good estate sale. Imagine my shock when she basically refused the very idea of donation. This was foreign to me. With so many out there in need, and her being financially blessed, I just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want the towels, linens, kitchen items, and clothing donated. I left the home not knowing what to make of it. This appeared to be a picture of an uncharitable heart … hold that thought.

On Christmas Eve, our family went to a candlelight service. Feeling a little blue because mom passed away and everything feeling weird without her, my father, family and I went to the service in hopes it would lift our Christmas spirit.

A small boy no older than 4 years old was wheeled in front of me. There, in a wheelchair that looked like something from outer space with every gadget and gismo attached, was this very tiny child with the most angelic face I had ever seen. He was beautiful with his blonde hair and blue eyes and looked like “Tiny Tim” from A Christmas Carol.

He was completely helpless and dependent on his parents. The child could not move any of his limbs and stared up at the ceiling. He never made a sound. Finally, his father unbelted him from his lifeline and picked him up. The boy was as limp as a ragdoll and showed no sign of life other than his eyes being open.

At first, dad held him on his lap and he repeatedly kissed the boy on the forehead. Then mom held him and she would rub his hair playfully, talk to him and kiss his cheeks. Their faces and eyes held the most amazing peace. I thought to myself, Now, that’s love. What an amazing example of love, compassion, and acceptance.

When you witness something as beautiful as that, and then meet other people who seem to have so much but are not willing to share any, it’s a little difficult to understand human nature.

I did not hear the minister’s message on Christmas Eve, because I was so engrossed in observing this family with their boy. When I realized I missed the bulk of the service, I just smiled to myself, knowing the message I had received was much more powerful — and a tender reminder that we have so much to be thankful for.