Beware of Snowballing Family Lore

September 11, 2014 | Julie Hall

I would be a rich woman if I had a dollar for every time I heard a family member tell the story of an heirloom in which the story gets bigger and better with every telling. It’s like the old parable, “The fish that got away was THIS big …” and every time the story is told the fish miraculously gets bigger.

As estate professionals, we have the same challenge when discussing and valuating family heirlooms and other treasured items. I visit clients in their homes and enjoy each of them as I listen to their stories. However, I know what the values really are, regardless of the verbal family stories.

The hard part for me, and for the client, is providing proof that the following really happened:

“Did you know Abraham Lincoln sat in that chair?”
This belt buckle once belonged to Robert E. Lee.”
Our grandmother told us Teddy Roosevelt took a picture with daddy, but we don’t know where that picture is.”

We know what these items are worth on a monetary level, but you can’t place a value on sentimentality. Sentimentality is priceless. Sentimental items are what we mostly find.

Could some of these family stories actually be true? Who’s to say. Perhaps they are. But without provenance, or history of the piece, it leaves a question mark and it’s impossible to valuate. The needed proof would be, for example, a photo of Abraham Lincoln really sitting in that chair with the original upholstery, or a document that proves it was at a historic event or with a person of distinction. Without proof, we can only appraise what we see based on the characteristics or its aesthetic value. It then becomes just an “old chair.”

I look back into my experiences with all kinds of families and wonder why most people seem to exaggerate about possessions. Here’s what I came up with:

It’s their version of the truth as they see it.
To make the item more “valuable”
To accentuate the positive.
To make the mundane more exciting
To give their heirs a legacy they believe is valuable

Maybe Abraham Lincoln did sit in that chair. Or maybe he sat in one just like it, and that’s how the story got started. Someone heard what they wanted to hear and generations of tongues did the rest. It happens in every family. Remember too, that people hear what they want to hear.

The bottom line is that we professionals don’t want our clients to be disappointed when they go sell these items and the prices brought don’t match the stories behind the pieces. Very often, this is the case. Setting your expectations in neutral before the estate process gets started means we all are one step ahead.

Research professionals before you hire them, but then listen to them with an open mind. We know the items in the majority of our estates, and if we don’t, we can research them. Have faith that we handle these possessions every day and can advise you correctly and honestly.

Julie Hall, The Estate Lady®, is the foremost national expert on personal property in estates, including liquidating, advising, and appraising. http://www.TheEstateLady.com She is also the Director of American Society of Estate Liquidators®, the national educational and resource organization for estate liquidation. http://www.aselonline.com.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

Where, O Where, Have All the Experts Gone?

September 4, 2014 | Julie Hall

Experts in antique books, stamps, silversmith, woven rugs, Persian rugs, clocks, estate jewelry, advertising, coins, etc. are getting harder to find for several reasons:

They have died.
They are up in years and no longer practice.
They have gone out of business due to lack of interest and sales.
The younger generations aren’t interested in learning the craft of their elders.

Now we are left with a shortage of rich-with-experience “old-timers” in these specialty areas.

How will we be able to identify historic items and other pieces of significance after they are gone?
How will we ever know the stories behind such items?
Without these elders and their expertise, what will we have to teach our children and grandchildren?

This wealth of information has fallen on the deaf ears of the younger generations; now they have no trade to fall back on in life. It’s really sad, but it’s their decision to make.

I was in Arizona a couple of years back and talked with some of the Native Americans. They instantly saw how I lit up holding their silver jewelry, wondering how they achieved a certain shape, scroll, or color. This conversation led to another, when I asked the elder silversmith if he had taught his son and grandson his wonderful skills.

“Neither wanted to learn,” he said. “Now they have their fancy phones and games, but they have no way to make a living. They don’t know much.”

Spotting a weaver, I went over and talked with her as well. You’d be amazed how well a huge smile opens doors. Hers was the same story. All of these middle-aged and older people learned their skills from their parents and grandparents, but very few of their children were interested.

As someone who loves the estate industry, you could say that I study the possessions of those already passed. I wonder how appraisers in the future will be able to do their job, as experts die off.

This Estate Lady is collecting unusual books about all of the topics I mentioned at the top. At the rate everything is being read online, the real books containing rare information will be considered trash one day. I can see some of these books being dumped.

I know what is inside those books is more valuable than the things I appraise. They contain knowledge, and you can’t put a price on that!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

Seven Attorneys for Seven Siblings

August 27, 2014 | Julie Hall

Consulting on an unusual estate recently, I was informed there were 7 beneficiaries, 4 of which were also co-executors. Can you imagine that many co-executors? What a nightmare! This estate also had personal property, which the family felt to be very valuable, but it wasn’t. There was a bunch of land to be divided, or sold and divided among the children.

Naturally, when you have that many cooks in the kitchen, everyone has different thoughts and opinions. This is why co-executors is not necessarily a good choice. In my opinion, estate settlement is much harder when you hand decisions to people who can’t come to a conclusion and end up fighting, or potentially going broke doing so. Some wanted the land intact; others wanted it subdivided. You can see where this story is going and it isn’t good.

The siblings had indeed reached an impasse. One long distance heir, who had little to do with mom while she was alive, was the first to get an attorney involved, then everyone else followed suit. It just gets messier from there.

I have been doing this for a very long time; I hope you don’t think I’m crazy when I share with you that people and their behaviors are getting worse. Their behavior is often out of control, along with other emotions, sometimes even getting physical. It makes me wonder.

What on earth could be so grand that it’s worth destroying themselves, as well as other relatives and relationships? Don’t these people know they are going to have to carry the burden of their decisions for the remainder of their lives?

Don’t get me wrong.

I’d love to have a slice of land or the proceeds from it.

Who wouldn’t?

But not at this cost.

It just isn’t worth it!

The attorneys will do their jobs well, and whatever inheritance there is will dwindle with legal fees.

Interesting observation: While the inheritance is decreasing, the emotions and angst will only increase and be prolonged, sometimes for the rest of the lifetime, long after the estate has been settled.

Is there anyone to blame in this scenario? Fingers can be pointed all day long. In the end, it comes down to the original decision maker who did not specify what should happen to the property and named so many co-executors. Big mistake which caused even more strife for those left behind.

I ask you plainly … Is it really worth it?

I couldn’t possibly make this stuff up!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

The Ring

August 21, 2014 | Julie Hall

Go ahead and get your tissue box now; I have mine on my lap as I write this. Let me tell you a beautiful story.

An 80-year-old mother knew her health was failing, but she didn’t tell her children how bad it was really getting. Her 82-year-old husband was afflicted with dementia; the disease was just starting to rear its ugly head and become too much for her to handle, seeing her beloved husband of 58 years slip away.

This mom and dad lived far away from their two children and grandchildren by choice. All of their dearest friends were in Florida, and that is where they wanted to spend their golden years together. The only problem was as the years passed, they watched all their friends get sick and pass away one by one, visiting each of them in the nursing homes and hospitals, saying their goodbyes.

Their family loved each other dearly and always remained close in heart through daily phone calls and emails, reminiscing and sending each other “remember whens.” But it was time to call in help and the children intervened, trying to get them closer geographically. Finally, mom agreed. When the middle-aged daughter went for a visit to discuss options and make decisions, the mom again showed the daughter where all their trust and other legal papers were located, to make sure the kids knew where everything could be found. How heartbreaking for the daughter to see her parents decline and become fragile, and equally hard for the mom to discuss her final wishes and personal thoughts with the daughter.

Bury me in this dress, call these people when I die, don’t spend a lot on flowers, etc…

It was a difficult day for mother and daughter; the deed was done and the day dragged long.

The mom got up and went into her bedroom and called the daughter in after her. She presented her daughter with a ring, placing it in her hand and clasping her frail, weathered hand around her daughter’s, she spoke from her failing heart:

It’s yours now. It’s time for you to keep this. I remember when you were a little girl, no more than 5 or 6, you would sneak into our bedroom, open my jewelry box, and try this ring on when you thought no one was watching. You would put it on your index finger, and it was so big for your tiny finger. I was there watching. Mothers always watch and know what’s going on with their children. You loved this bauble then, and I hope you will remember this moment after I’m gone, because I want you to have this. It isn’t worth much, but I always cherish the memory of how you would tiptoe into our room just to try it on, careful to put it back where you found it. Wear it in good health, and may God bless you always for who you are, for the woman you have become, and for what you mean to me. I love you very much and I’m so proud of you.

The daughter was speechless and choked up all at once, trying very hard to be brave, but it didn’t work. She collapsed in front of her mother, knowing the message she was giving her: that she was dying and she had made peace with it.

This story is about my mother, Anne, who died not long after that day, and I was the little girl who adored the big, purple, shiny ring. I will always cherish the ring because of the story behind it, because mom gave it to me in person, and because of the special words that went with it. Mostly, it made me realize I carry her courage inside me; I hope one day I can pass that to my daughter (the ring and the courage).

I wear this ring any time I wear purple. Each time I slip it on my finger, I think of mom handing it to me and how it fits perfectly on my finger now.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

10 lbs. of Flour in a 5 lb. Sack

August 15, 2014 | Julie Hall

Downsizing may be in vogue, but the very sound of the word can make one cringe, including me, and I help people with it every day!

Funny thing how we humans accumulate so much. We hardly notice how out of hand out accumulations have become until we stop, look around, and then panic as we begin the downsizing/selling process.

I have noticed a commonality among my older boomer clients. They have so much in their homes, because they absorbed their parents’ and their grandparents’ possessions. They did not really sort through them; they did not discard much or donate much to charity. They simply absorbed the bulk of it into their own lives and homes. Was this done out of

OBLIGATION?

SENTIMENTALITY?

TRADITION?

Fast forward 50 years … oh my goodness, what do we do with all this stuff now?

When I am called to assist a family with their downsizing challenges, I go in to ascertain values and the market, resources and options. However, the one thing I am always faced with is this eye-opening issue:

If a client currently lives in 3,000 square feet,

and they are downsizing to 1,000-1,200 sq. ft.,

logic dictates they will need to get rid of two-thirds

of what they currently have

to fit comfortably in their new home.

Therein lies the mystery. They still seem to think that letting go of:

6 pieces of furniture,

8 crystal vases,

grandmother’s china service,

and 9 framed prints

is all they need to discard.

“We can squash the rest of it into our new place.”

I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but …

You can’t fit 10 lbs. of flour in a 5 lb. sack,

any more than

You can fit 3,000 square feet of stuff

into 1,000 sq. ft. of house!

It just isn’t going to happen, no matter which way you squish it.

You could try anyway, but you will dislike your overcrowded new home, create tripping hazards, and not want to show off your new place.

“Why not let go?!”

Deal with it head-on and do it sooner, rather than later, when someone else has to do it for you.

Enjoy your new home; don’t make the mistake of taking too much. Don’t put stuff in storage, and don’t pass the buck to your kids or relatives that do not want or need the extra stuff.

There is a season for everything. Now is your season to let go and start over, fresh and simplified.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

The Dragonfly

August 7, 2014 | Julie Hall

My garden is demonstrating a last-ditch effort to produce anything fruitful due to the heat, and regrettably, a bug infestation that has taken place as well. I fought valiantly, but eventually the bugs won. A little while ago, I was in the garden picking dozens of cherry tomatoes from my amazing giant tomato plant. It is approximately 10 feet tall and draping all over the place, despite my creative stakes tall enough to support it; I should have pruned it long ago. Stooping under the graceful limbs, heavy laden with small tomatoes I couldn’t wait to gather, I caught sight of her, a huge iridescent dragonfly resting on top of a garden stake about 18 inches from my face.

I don’t really like insects at all, though I realize they are all very necessary to keep nature balanced. But she was different; minding her own business with her beautiful stained glass-looking wings shining in what was left of the day’s sunlight. I said “hello” out loud and she cocked her head towards me. When I cocked my head in the other direction, she did the same thing. If I moved forward, she moved back. If I moved back, she moved forward.

Suddenly, in this big and chaotic world of ours, I found myself totally locked in a dance with her, enjoying a “moment” nature provided for this one-person audience. For a minute, we observed one another. She must have instinctively known I meant her no harm.

What took me aback was the intelligence I experienced in a living thing so small and common that I had never noticed before. She did not demonstrate fear or wariness by my presence. She was not startled or irritated. She was simply in the moment and inquisitive. I wish I could be more like that, instead of always worrying about deadlines and self-imposed pressure.

I also wondered if the dragonfly may be resting. Maybe that was a sign for me to rest too, because my work has kept me juggling so much up in the air for the last year. I went about picking my tomatoes and cucumbers after she flew off; I was left with the very weird sensation that it would be me who missed her, and not the other way around. We really are connected to everything, and sometimes we all need to “take a moment” and learn a lesson from nature.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

The Expense of “Free”

July 31, 2014 | Julie Hall

Everyone is trying to pinch pennies. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t send up a warning to be extra careful if something is “free.” A “free” something will almost always lead to strings attached or something expensive coming later, like a repair, further services of some sort, or worst … it could be a scam. In the professional world, “free” is used to attract you and extract your personal information so they can use it to get money out of you for something else. Here in the 21st century, your information can also be used against you in the cyber world.

It is equally important to realize that paying for a valued service versus a free service does have its differences. A free service (such as an estimate, consultation, product, etc.) will only provide you with a fraction of the information, leaving you hanging for more, but then you will have to pay for it, often in more ways than one. A paid service will get the job done to completion the first time, if you choose the right professional.

Everyone is always attracted to “free” but should we be?

My late father had a saying, “If it’s free, take two.” He was a Depression baby. I am not. This is the thought process of many people. But no, I will not take “two” because I don’t want to clutter up my home with things my child won’t want one day, and I don’t want right now. I won’t do that to my family.

What possible trouble could “free” cause?

Let’s take a closer look at the repercussions…

What if something goes wrong?
What if the service or information is inaccurate? Where does the liability lie?
What if you get hurt, someone else gets hurt, or property (such as your home) gets damaged?
What if they don’t complete the job, or the job goes for months with no accountability?
What if you dislike the results or get really bad information?
What if you hired family, friends, or neighbors? That relationship will never be the same.
And finally, what is your recourse if no money changed hands?

Many times, people have ulterior motives for offering something for free. Not always, but a good bit of the time, it’s true, even in my own industry (as well as every other industry).

“Free” is never free. It just sounds good. Free can mean hasty mistakes, and free can mean costly mistakes. Sometimes free can be very expensive.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Dead Men Tell No Tales, But Their Possessions Do

July 25, 2014 | Julie Hall

One thing I have learned from cleaning out estates all these years is that many people have “skeletons” that need to be dealt with prior to their passing.

In the land of the forgotten (attics, boxes in the back of the closet, locked trunks, hidden in barns or sheds, etc), we find things I can’t even talk about because I will get very sad. I do my best to let go, or tuck these things away somewhere in a spare brain compartment, hoping not to think of them too often.

It is not unusual to find love letters, adoption papers for a child that never knew they were adopted, or evidence of an extramarital affair. On occasion though, we find things like suicide notes, drug abuse issues, different levels of pornography … some so bizarre it challenges my understanding of humans. In once case very long ago, we even found pedophile material up in the attic after he died. These things had to be from the 1940s or 1950s, but it still leaves a mark of sadness upon one’s soul.

We see the dark portals in people’s lives after they leave. We will never have a clear understanding of why these people did what they did, made certain decisions, or why on earth they would ever leave those secrets behind to be found. I think to myself how fortunate it was that my company was the one who found those items, instead of a family member who may be traumatized for the rest of their life. It is my cross to carry … discretion and protection.

Uncovering these secrets casts a shadow which can change your feelings about the person who has died, not to mention seriously tarnishes their personal legacy.

Some things need to be told to the family

and some secrets need to go to the grave with the deceased loved one.

Remember: The dead cannot defend themselves or their actions.

It is difficult to write these things. I am choosing to use these challenging illustrations for the greater good, in hopes that we can learn to better prepare for our own estates. Think about the many different facets of an estate and how complex it can be. We must not only think about ourselves and what we desire, but we must think about those we leave behind and what they may find.

TIP OF THE WEEK: Be forewarned. Clean your home and clean your life! Take it from one who knows.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Did You Say “Cockroaches?”

July 16, 2014 | Julie Hall

The voice on the phone was very shaky and distressed. Through her tears, I heard her say, “Doing business with people in your industry is like doing business with cockroaches.” A knife to my gut would have hurt less. Those words were truly cutting and very upsetting to those of us in the industry who put our hearts and souls into assisting our clients.

This woman called my office to complain about an estate sale company, one which was completely unfamiliar. I own and direct The American Society of Estate Liquidators® and complaints regarding our members, who uphold a Code of Ethics, are minimal. When a complaint is made on our members, usually it is easily remedied, like replacing a widget that was accidentally sold.

Phone calls like this woman’s are starting to come in at an alarming rate, and the complaints are serious. So serious, some of them are criminal in nature, and law enforcement and the court system become involved.

For someone like me who has done my best to pave the way for ethics, integrity, and high standards in the estate sale business, this is a massive black eye. It hurts personally. Some of the customer complaints include not getting paid after a sale is completed. Liquidator complaints include clients who pull items from a sale, during the sale, when they see how low the prices are and don’t want to pay the liquidator’s imposed fees.

I could never defend estate sale professionals who run an unethical business and cause these people to fall to pieces emotionally. This is not why the “good ones” went into the business.

We went into business to make a positive difference in the lives of our clients. We strive to uplift them and their emotional turmoil.

However, I will defend the good estate sale professionals who work from a thorough contract, have explained everything to the client with the client’s agreement, and simply do their best to get the highest proceeds from the sale.

The estate sale professional has the right to earn a good living; the work is back-breaking, disassembling a lifetime of accumulation in just a few short days. In some cases, the clients expect far too much. They have not yet awakened to the fact that our economy is weak, despite what the news is promising.

The estate sale professional has the right to charge a fees or commission for items clients give away, take or remove from the sale, even though the clients have signed a contract that they will not do so. This is taking income from the professional. This leaves them with egg on their face when the public arrives and screams at them because advertised items are gone. This is simply not fair.

Courtesy goes both ways!

When searching for an estate sale professional, or any professional service, the responsibility falls on the consumer to research them thoroughly and interview several.

Ask associates and business owners, such as estate planning attorneys and realtors, in your community. Check Angie’s List and BBB. Check professional organizations, if they belong to them. Check references. Do your due diligence. Then you will select an estate sale professional who will do a wonderful job for you … not a “cockroach.”

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Don’t Let Your Dentist Operate On Your Knee

July 10, 2014 | Julie Hall

Our house is starting to need some work. There is exterior trim that needs to be painted, the siding needs power washing, and the gutters need to be cleaned out. I would love to have some new landscaping in the front island and three light fixtures I would like replaced because they are old; the house needs an overall facelift.

Then there’s me. I could use a little sprucing up too. My lower back feels like it was thrown in a wood chipper and spit out, probably from all my years of estate work. I have arthritis in my neck and hands, and a little bone in my foot that is protruding slightly (arthritis from pointy high-heeled shoes I just had to have way back when). My hair needs the gray roots covered over and a few more highlights added, but I haven’t had the time yet.

I’m not complaining. I’m making a point.

For each of these endeavors mentioned, I will call in a professional who knows exactly how to do them, because I do not. I will not attempt these tasks because somewhere along the line, I will botch the work and then it will cost more money and time to fix it. I know my limitations. Life has shown me my strengths, and it has also shown me when I should walk away and let a pro do it.

There are many who are do-it-yourself people, and for the most part, I admire people who can get so much done on their own. But I have also seen those who should have quit while they were ahead, for their work was not good. I go to a back specialist for my back, a foot specialist for my foot, a dentist for anything to do with my teeth, and a hairdresser I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world! I would not attempt to fix any of these on my own, for they are not in my repertoire of skills.

You wouldn’t go to a dentist for a knee replacement, would you?

The same is true for handling an estate. Families think they can navigate some pretty treacherous waters on their own. In my experience, many of them have capsized the boat along the way and hurt others in the process. All because they think they can do it or want to save the money that would have been spent on a professional.

“An estate professional knows these troubled waters and knows every aspect of handling the twists and turns. We know the market; we can predict human nature. We can maximize proceeds and preserve the good for you. Even with our commission, we bring in more money than a non-professional. We know the right contacts (local and national), resources and options, plus we guide you through the process. It’s like having an estate expert in your pocket. An excellent estate sale pro is worth their weight in solid gold.” — Julie Hall

Then there are those who know and understand the worth of hiring professionals. They want to pay to get the job done right the first time, so they don’t have it drag on, only to have to deal with it a year or so in the future. They simply want it done, and done correctly the first time.

There is an old saying, “Penny wise and pound foolish.” This applies to much of what I see when families deal with loved ones’ estates. They don’t want to pay a professional, but the mistakes they make are so costly: throwing away valuables, making hasty decisions, giving away things quickly, assuming mom just had junk, etc. They could have hired 4 professionals by the time they are done!

TIP FOR THE WEEK: There are some things you just shouldn’t attempt. Research and find the best estate professional; the right person is very worth the effort to find! Moving forward through a challenging estate situation is paramount to your continued well-being.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com