How to Prevent Conflict Between Adult Children

March 28, 2011 | Julie Hall

A colleague in Canada invited me to create several podcasts for her website at Moving Forward Matters, Ottawa Home Transition Specialists.

The first one is titled, “How to Prevent Conflict Between Adult Children Before A Loved One Dies.” Here’s the link to the podcast: http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/2011/03/22/estate-planning-how-to-prevent-conflict-between-adult-children-before-a-loved-one-dies/

My greatest goal is to educate people and prepare them for the inevitable challenges of family members dealing with personal property accumulated over a lifetime. There are ways for parents (not just elderly parents) to prepare their children to deal with these possessions equitably, thereby avoiding years of hard feelings, sibling battles, court fights, and other ugly situations.

I hope you’ll listen to this podcast and then pass along a link to another family member or friend who may benefit from this advice. Remember, it’s not too early to simplify your possessions and create equitable plans for your children and grandchildren to follow.

In Search of Sanity

March 22, 2011 | Julie Hall

We have way too much stuff!

Everybody collects something. It’s exciting when you find a special piece you’ve been seeking for years. When the word gets out that you collect cats, suddenly everyone buys you cats. Metal, porcelain, plastic – it doesn’t matter – you get tons of them whether you want them or not.

Let us not forget that we inherit items along the way too, tripling (or more) what we already have. Next thing you know, our homes are busting at the seams, our spouses are griping because of all the clutter. Our children have let us know, in no uncertain terms, that they want nothing other than a ride to IKEA or cash, so they can buy what they want.

We’re facing a major problem in this country as our seniors and boomers age and pass away. We just have too much stuff. More is finding its’ way to the market everyday as boomers are getting the message to simplify their lives and let go of things that bog them down.

This simplification process has brought to the marketplace experts such as professional organizers, senior move managers, stagers, and estate experts. Look for professionals who are trained, have credentials, belong to professional organizations, and have experience.

As we make our way through our parents’ belongings, we also have to contend with our stuff at the same time. Learn to let go, and keep the next generation in mind as you are doing so. They certainly don’t want much and they won’t change their minds. As a client recently told me, “I’ll take photos of the items before I sell them. The photos take up less space!”

“Oh, I’ll Get to it One Day.”

February 14, 2011 | Julie Hall

The trouble is … “one day” never comes!

It’s fascinating what we professionals notice in our clients’ estates. For example, we do see a distinct similarity in almost all of the estates we go into, especially if the estate belonged to an elderly loved one from the Depression Era. The attics are usually full and the interesting thing is that 85% of them are full of things that really should have been disposed of 30+ years ago.

By the time we get into these attics to clear them out, the books are rotted and have been gnawed on, anything cardboard has pretty much disintegrated, clothing either smells like mildew or falls apart in your hands, or you find items that have long since been obsolete and no one has any use for them. If items of value were stored in the attic (which is a big no-no), chances are pretty good they have been damaged and the value greatly diminished. This is not always the case, but is generally what we find.

My assistant has a saying when we are working in the daunting attics, up to our elbows in stuff: “They were young when they put this stuff up there. By the time they finally figure out it has to be dealt with, they are 85 years old and can’t get up here anymore.”

So true. Time stops for no man and it does move rather quickly. We all have the best intentions of cleaning out the shed, garage, closets, cupboards … but if you continue to procrastinate and something happens where you or your loved one become incapacitated, it truly leaves a burden for the ones you leave behind. A bigger burden than you realize.

If you have had your sights on a project around the house which includes clearing out some “stuff,” make sure you know what it is worth before you sell it or give it away. It is better to clear out the clutter now so you can feel better about it and not worry. Believe me, your loved ones will really appreciate it one day.

JUST DO IT!

Christmas is over … Now what?

December 27, 2010 | Julie Hall

Christmas is over, and you’ve dragged all the wrappings to the trash can. Now what? Maybe you got what you wanted … maybe you got too much.

Things do bring instant gratification, but not long-lasting happiness. So, we keep buying more things to keep feeling good. If your Christmas happiness has been replaced with that let-down feeling, consider the following suggestions.

Too many of us fill our lives with things to ease unresolved pain and issues. As we continue to go out there and buy ourselves the latest electronic gadget, we are still left unfulfilled and discontented. We buy to feel good. We buy because we deserve it. We buy because we are depressed. But in the long run, each item ends up in the hands of family or a professional to sell it.

There are some who believe “He who dies with the most toys wins.” There are others who feel “He who dies with the most toys, dies anyway.” So what should we do?

** Dress the less fortunate by going through your clothing, shoes, etc. Do the same for the food in your pantry.

** Head into your attic and garage and start clutter-busting. So many things we have are not being used — and can be used by someone who needs them. Find those organizations and give them away.

** Start practicing the art of giving, and refrain from unnecessary purchases for at least six months.

** A cluttered house is often reflective of a cluttered life. Do yourself and your family a favor and clear out while you can, and help others in the process. The end result is a long-lasting and satisfied feeling.

Here’s to a healthy and happy New Year for you!

Three More Important Tips for Personal Property

July 5, 2010 | Julie Hall

We’re continuing our discussion of important tips for dealing with personal property in an estate. Here are the final three tips:

3. Just because it is old doesn’t mean it is valuable. This is my personal mantra. Each day, I must face clients and report the truth based on facts. Depression glass may have been the rage 12 years ago, but today the market is pretty flat, much like the beloved Hummel figurines of mother’s day. It’s important to understand the distinction between monetary and sentimental value. If great-grandfather made it in 1865, it is certainly old and very special to us. This, however, does not indicate or equate to significant monetary value. It does hold value in the heart, though.

4. PLEASE hire a professional before you have a yard sale on your own. In my career, I have seen things thrown in the trash, dumpsters, yard sales, etc. that children put there or sold for next to nothing. In actuality, they were worth a small fortune! Knowledge really is power. Parents, consider getting your heirlooms evaluated prior to your passing, so you can leave this information for your heirs. Children, ask questions about the history of these heirlooms while mom and dad can still tell you. Discuss together the possibility of gifting prior to death. At the very least, mom and dad should document who gets what.

5. When using professionals in the industry, check them out first. Make sure they have no unresolved complaints against them with the Better Business Bureau. Ask them for professional references, and ask how long they have been doing this work. Ask your friends, neighbors, and other professionals if they can recommend estate professional appraisers and liquidators. Be very leary of those who “dabble” in estate sales or yard sales; you need a pro. If you think hiring a professional is expensive, you should try hiring an amateur.

“Mom and Dad Left Us a Mess!”

May 31, 2010 | Julie Hall

Q: My mother died a few months ago and I am completely overwhelmed with the accumulated mess she left behind. Though I tried to offer help on many occasions through the years, she would hear no part of clearing out her stuff. I spend most of my days in tears, resentful that she left me this mess, squeezed between my family, my job, and her affairs. Do you have any advice for me to handle this daunting task? Can you at least tell others not to do this to their children?

A: You have touched upon one of the most important aspects of my work and of my public speaking. In my work, I deal with children every day who are flying in and out of town, trying to handle parents’ estates. The “Sandwich Generation” is caught between caring for our parents and our children, with not enough of us to go around, especially when geographically remote from either parents or children.

When I speak, I talk openly about accumulation, what to do about it, how to begin thinning out your stuff, or get rid of it altogether. Evaluation is the first step in any estate settlement process. Children are often in a crisis mode and don’t know where to begin this daunting task. Finding a company or person you can trust to help you understand the values of your parents’ personal property is paramount.

Once you are armed with that information, you are better able to decide what can be thrown out, what can be donated, what to keep, etc. Remember that knowledge is power. If you do not possess the knowledge to make these decisions, find a professional who does and can offer you objective information. This professional can also help you sell items of value, and clear out the estate. These services are especially valuable if you live out of town and have limited time to spend handling the estate.

Often I find my older clients have massive accumulations in their attic, closets, basement, and garage. The reasons are numerous and not always understandable. My guess is that they don’t know how to handle the accumulations either.

All too often, I sit beside a child whose parent has just died; they are angry that mom or dad left this mess, and they are grieving too. This becomes a double blow to their heart and spirit. If parents could see what I see, they wouldn’t do this to their children. How would you like to be remembered?

Why You Should Never Keep Things in the Attic

April 12, 2010 | Julie Hall

After cleaning out estates for almost 20 years, my assistant and I have a saying I’d like to share: “People shouldn’t put stuff in attics. They’re young when they put it up there, and when they finally think about cleaning it out, they are too old.” Somewhat comical, it holds a ring of truth as well. I’ve seen so many attics in my lifetime; I can predict with 98% accuracy what’s up there and the position it is placed in!

It’s pretty amazing to consider that the majority of people you know have full attics. What’s even more amazing is that 90% of what is in the attic is no longer usable; it can’t even be donated anymore because it has passed its’ expiration date! Some people store clothing, floral arrangements, cardboard boxes they think they will use again, lawn furniture, electronics that for whatever reason no longer performed well, or they were broken altogether. So I must ask the question, “If they didn’t work then, why were they stored in the attic for 40 years?” Why weren’t they just discarded to begin with? Herein lies one difference between the generations.

The younger Boomers, Generation X and Y, do not want clutter or anything that is considered garbage laying around the house. It simply doesn’t belong there if it can’t be used or enjoyed.

Your attic is a breeding ground for critters: furry, slithery, creepy-crawly, and little un-named things in the dark that gnaw and poop, often at the same time. Clothing get eaten or rot, any kind of plastic will become brittle, dolls’ faces decompose, quilts disintegrate, old trains rust, furs fall apart, cardboard flakes in your hands, and old electronics that were obsolete then are still obsolete.

Let’s not forget the smell!! You know the smell I am referring to — that mildewy, mold-like stench that refuses to dissipate and only irritates your respiratory system from the moment you step into the attic.

I believe the original intent of attics was simply to hold things like luggage and some Christmas decorations. But if the hundreds, maybe thousands of attics I have stepped into are any indication, we treat them as another home that simply holds things we are too tired to deal with. So we keep stuffing it up there, where no one goes to look. You know the old saying: “Out of sight, out of mind.” That might be so … until you pass away and your loved ones need to empty it in the midst of grieving.

Use the Estate Lady’s rule of thumb: If you haven’t used it, haven’t seen it, or had no need for it in 6 – 12 months, let go of it! It will only be a burden to someone else one day!

“Spring Cleaning” with a Purpose

April 5, 2010 | Julie Hall

It’s that time of year when most of us feel obligated to do “spring cleaning”. At least we attempt to clean windows, wash curtains, clean out the garden shed, and other tasks we dislike doing the rest of the year. Give your cleaning a purpose this year, and see if it puts an optimistic outlook on this annual routine.

This year, consider what you can give to someone who has a need. Not just the ugly Christmas gift from Aunt Edna, but look around for those things that you never use. With continued economic challenges facing families, used items (in good condition) are in such demand. Charities are stretched to meet extreme needs with very limited resources.

Meanwhile, we have garages full of “stuff” that we don’t really need, but we aren’t willing to part with, or we don’t know where to donate. Make some calls to churches, local community charities, local shelters. Did you know that Shriners collect old eyeglasses? Do you realize that many shelters can use bed sheets and towels, or that local veterinarians often can use towels? Have you got some books and magazines that the folks at the retirement center would enjoy?

Here’s a list to help you decide what can be donated:

clothing of all kinds: shoes, coats, suits, dresses
linens, towels, bed sheets
older upholstered or wood furniture: sofas, chairs, bookcases
electronics, computers, telephones
non-perishable food, if before the expiration date (to shelters or food banks)
tools and equipment
kitchenware
craft supplies
durable medical equipment: wheelchairs, walkers, canes
prescription eye glasses
office equipment and supplies
books and magazines
toys your children outgrow

Start clearing out those things that you don’t use; now you have a purpose and a plan. As for washing the windows, sorry, you’re on your own for that task!

8 Ways You Can Help Your Elderly Parent BEFORE Crisis

February 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

Here are 8 ways that you can be proactive and and take action now to help de-clutter your parents’ home. Do this now for their sake, and for your own sake. I can tell you from personal experience: you do not want to have to do this in “crisis mode.”

Have the important conversations with your parents. Approach them with love and ask them about their wishes. Try to gain an understanding of their financial situation. Be sure to know where all the important legal documents are kept.
Start to de-clutter your parents’ home. Since they won’t likely appreciate this, suggest that you are helping them avoid both a fire and a tripping hazard. Start by removing expired food, unused things, piles of newspapers, etc.
Discuss and document allocation of personal property and heirlooms. Create a wish list and ask an appraiser to assess the values. Suggest “gifting” of special items while your parents are still alive.
Every time you leave their house, take a few bags of donation items with you. Dress the less fortunate. Tell your parents you are helping them to “thin out” the house.
If your parents have already moved out or passed away, begin the process of clearing out the house by using three piles to sort belongings: donate, sell, keep.
When in doubt, always have a personal property appraiser evaluate antiques, collectibles, and anything you are not sure about.
Continue to keep in touch with siblings and keep everyone on the same page. This is the only way that whole family will maintain close and healthy relationships through this process.
Always come from a place of love. In the end, life is about MUCH more than the stuff. It’s about the wonderful, deep, and abiding relationships within our families.

That’s my thoughts for this week. Click on the “leave a comment” line below, and let’s discuss this together.

Letting go of your possessions is harder than you think

February 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

In the last post, I included a list of some reasons why people have a hard time letting go of their stuff. I want to continue the conversation with a couple of important suggestions from my experience as an appraiser of residential contents and estate liquidator.

First, if you are clearing out many possessions, enlist the assistance of a personal property appraiser. When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate/home appraised prior to distributing or selling contents. Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value. There are some children who feel that “everything is junk” and then discover through an appraisal that some pieces have significant value. Family stories through the years can also add to the anticipation of great-grandfather’s chair being more valuable because it is so old. Remember, age is not the only determining factor of true value.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of the heirs generally won’t take much. Their children allready have houses that are full from being married 20 years or so, and adding more will only fuel marital strife. The younger generations appear to want nothing but cash assets. Even if your children do take items, their children definitely don’t want them now and most likely will feel the same in the future. They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions, when they could take the cash they receive and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn.

Holding onto possessions for the sake of not wanting to let them go will leave a massive burden for the children/heirs. Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action!

The Estate Lady

accumulation of stuff