When a Change in Health Prompts a Change in Your Will

July 24, 2013 | Julie Hall

An estimated 50% of us have a will or trust! This is not good news!

Most people have not yet comprehended (or accepted) that dying without a will is a very costly mistake that will negatively impact all you leave behind. It’s not just about the hassles and frustrations your heirs will go through potentially for years, but the expenses involved. Ultimately, the state you live in will make decisions regarding your estate that will not distribute it the way you would have chosen. In a nutshell, get it done now and leave a legacy of respect, instead of resentment.

For those who do have a will, it is important to consider any changes in mental and physical health, as these could greatly impact the outcome of someone’s wishes. For example, let’s say mom’s healthcare power of attorney states that dad makes all decisions for mom in the event she is incapacitated, vegetative state, etc. Suddenly dad is exhibiting odd behavior and is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which is progressing rapidly. Can he now make sound decisions for mom? Or, mom may not think about these details and this is the time for the children to talk with her about it.

So many Boomer children don’t know how to talk with their parents about these delicate issues, so permit me to offer some very sound advice. It has to be done; it has to be discussed, as painful as it is. If left “under the carpet,” no answers will be available to you should they become infirm or die. Get the answers now, and do so with love and compassion.

Here’s one example: “Mom, we were thinking about yours and dad’s situation. Now that dad is showing a decline in health, new decisions have to be made and documented so your wishes are fulfilled the way you would like them to be. Dad is no longer capable of understanding complex issues, and you will need to choose a new healthcare power of attorney, so we can ensure the correct decisions will be made. Can you please give this some thought? Can we make an appointment with your attorney to have this changed soon?

This one example really gets you thinking. Anytime there is a significant change in your life or a parent’s life, consider discussing with an elder law or estate planning attorney. Being proactive isn’t always easy or pleasant, but it can head off gut-wrenching issues that will occur at some point, especially if you have elderly loved ones. Making sound decisions in the midst of crisis is not the optimal time to think clearly.

Lead with love, and start communicating while you can!

Julie Hall, The Estate Lady®, is the foremost national expert on personal property in estates, including liquidating, advising, and appraising. http://www.TheEstateLady.com She is also the Director of American Society of Estate Liquidators®, the national educational and resource organization for estate liquidation. http://www.aselonline.com

6 Practical Ways to Help Your Parents This Summer

June 26, 2013 | Julie Hall

Spending time visiting your parents this summer? Here are 6 practical ways that you can assist your elderly parents.

Help your parents protect all their assets. Know all the professionals they work with, i.e. CPA, financial planner, attorney, etc.
Know the location of all their important documents. If the documents are in a locked cabinet or fireproof storage, know where the keys are kept.
Have the important conversations with them about their wishes for the future, who will be their executor, healthcare power of attorney, and discuss distribution of the heirlooms and personal property.
You can’t take it with you! If they are able, suggest to your parents that they write a master list of who should get what, and give the document to the executor. Or, they can ask each child what they would like to have, and put that on a “wish list”. A document cuts down on the “he said-she said” that often goes on when settling an estate.
Start de-cluttering and thinning out your parents’ home now. Often children are overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff” in their Depression Era parents’ home. This is a good way to begin the process of cleaning out, so you won’t have to do it all at once later. Make sure you have their permission.
Always come from a place of love. You will have several difficult conversations and awkward moments when asking your parents these questions. Always approach them with love. For example, “Mom, we are very worried about you and would like to have a talk about what you would like for your future. Sue and I would like to honor your wishes, but first, we need to know what those wishes are.”

For more practical tips and compassionate advice, read my best-selling book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. Check the right side of my blog for a link to order my books.

Getting Your Affairs in Order is Not Just for the Elderly

June 17, 2013 | Julie Hall

In years gone by, I can recall that the majority of my clients were the elderly looking for help downsizing. Somewhere around 2003, that all changed and the calls coming into my office were coming from children looking for help handling their parents’ estates after they passed away or help cleaning out their estates.

Today, things have shifted once again. While I still work with the elderly occasionally, and certainly work with the boomer children who are the majority of my business, I see an ever-increasing (and hair-raising) trend of hearing from younger children whose parents have died unexpectedly in their 50s and 60s.

We all seem to be programmed that infirmity and death only occur in old age. Sadly, this is not the case. Perhaps it is wishful thinking on our part, or not wanting to think about it at all. But in my work, I am seeing more and more of my deceased clients are eerily close to my own age, and I never thought of myself as being old. I find myself thinking about my clients, and what they are going through, because most of their parents don’t take the time to plan ahead, especially when they are still relatively young. This throws the grieving children into more of a tail-spin because they may not have had “The Talk.”

Many children do not know what their parents’ final wishes are, nor how the estate is to be divided. They don’t even know if the parents have a Will or Trust. These are HUGE issues that weigh heavily on those left behind.

Estate Lady Tips:

Don’t do that to your children or beneficiaries. You are mortal and a plan has to be shared with loved ones. While you may not want to discuss this, you will feel much better after you do, and your children will thank you for it. They will be especially grateful when the time comes, realizing the care you took ahead of time to make their lives easier. Make an appointment to have a Will/Trust drawn up this week.
Don’t die in debt. This is a horrid situation. Suffice it to say you create a nightmare for those dealing with your estate.
Ask for an addendum to your Will so you can assign who gets what. Better yet, give it away while you are still living so there is less to fight about after you are gone.
Start clearing out your home now, even if you are young. Don’t let it accumulate or it will snowball on you. gain control of the house (and the piles of stuff we all have) and start clearing out. Once a month, drop off items to a charity, or arrange for them to come to the house for a pick up. Have yard sales for a little extra spending money. If you haven’t seen it or used it in a year, let it go.
Talk to your spouse and children about what you want. Both of my parents died without much warning. It’s a good thing they told us what they wanted and had the legal documents to back up their wishes. When the time came (and it did when I least expected it), I knew exactly what to do. I can still hear mom telling me, “Dad and I don’t want you to go through any more than you have to, because you will be going through enough when the time comes. We want to make this as easy as possible on you, and we have made these decisions ahead of time to remove additional stress placed on you.” This was music to my ears, not fully understanding the massive impact until I had to make a life and death decision for one of them. I still can’t believe how much love they had for us.

These are not easy things to do. Doing them sooner, rather than later, will change the way you think about these issues and make it much easier for you and your family in the future. Take it from one who sees this trouble everyday.

Resources from the Estate Lady:

To really learn how to clean out an estate, as a hobby or business, I have created a Professional Estate Clean Out course: http://www.aselonline.com/professional_estate_clean_outs.html
My practical, solutions-based, no-nonsense guide for equitable distribution: http://www.amazon.com/Divide-Familys-Heirlooms-Peacefully-Sensibly/dp/0984419128/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371476056&sr=8-1&keywords=How+to+divide+your+parents+estate

What Have I Done to Deserve That?

February 26, 2013 | Julie Hall

Richard is 82 years old and not in good health. He lives in the Midwest and called me asking for help with his possessions. He was moving himself into a small private residence, since he can no longer care for himself. From what I could tell, he is kind natured and soft spoken. He told me about his many physical ailments such as diabetes, cancer, breathing problems, etc. Richard was forthcoming, had his wits about him, and was very pragmatic about his limitations. He told me he was “falling apart” and needed help.

One of the questions I ask people who call me for help is “Do you have any family that can lend a hand?” Richard has two adult sons. He said they never call, don’t care about him, and never showed any interest in him or his life. As a highly decorated veteran who earned a Purple Heart in the Korean War, he lived a full life as a Marine, with many stories to tell. He was there at the Battle of Chosin Resevoir — a brutal 17 day battle in freezing weather. It was pretty clear to me that this man had endured the unthinkable, and even in his older age was still a tough Marine, but his voice held a fragility when it came to his sons.

“What did I do to deserve this treatment from my boys? I worked hard all of my life to provide for them, and now they aren’t there for me. What did I do wrong?”

Knowing I was in a position to help Richard, I did my best to assure him that the pitiful actions of his children are not of his doing. They are adults now and have made a decision not to be present in his life. One day they would live to regret it, as they sort through his possessions and find his Purple Heart, wishing they could ask questions about their father’s valor and what that great battle was really all about. But by then, it would be too late; the heavy weight of guilt would be upon their shoulders.

I encouraged Richard to build a relationship with his only grandson, who seemed to at least have some interest in him and his life story.

There are times it becomes very clear to me that people cross our paths for just a few minutes, and in that short time, you can either make a difference or not!

Semper Fi, Richard. May your journey be a peaceful one from this point forward.

It Was As If She Never Existed

February 6, 2013 | Julie Hall

All it would have taken was some planning. Mrs. Jones was recently removed from her home due to rapidly progressing dementia. Since she had no children and her husband pre-deceased her, there was no one to care for her and her financial matters. The case was turned over to a guardian who nothing about her or her situation. I was asked to go to Mrs. Jones’ home and evaluate the possessions to see what could be sold for her continued care.

I went to the home and spent some time photographing it for the guardian so they could see the type of home and possessions that were in it. While the home was basically clean, you could see that someone afflicted with dementia was living there, as the upstairs was all askew. Food was left in the refrigerator from months before, and the drawers, cabinets, etc. had been rummaged through. My job was to report back my findings, what could be sold, and offer an estimate to clean out the house.

As it turns out, they do not know if the house is falling into foreclosure, or if it is owned outright, or if there is even any money in Mrs. Jones’ name. It would appear from a stranger looking in, that there were little-to-no facts about Mrs. Jones at all — it was as if any knowledge of her took leave when her dementia took hold.

My heart really went out to Mrs. Jones. I am no stranger to dementia and how it affects the one who has it, and also the loved ones around them. Yet, no one stepped forward to claim Mrs. Jones. No one even knew if she had any financial means. All they knew is all the utilities had been turned off because she forgot to pay the bills. One day she was there and one day she was moved. It’s as if she never existed.

If ever there was a classic example of planning ahead, it’s this one. Ask yourself, your parents, your spouse … what IF? Isn’t it better to give this life situation, and many others similar to it, some serious thought now while you can?

I am an old softy. Tough as nails when I have to be, but soft when it comes to the elderly and infirmity. Most of this scenario, if not all of it, could have been avoided with some pre-planning. It’s too late for Mrs. Jones. I don’t even want to think about where she is or the kind of care she is receiving. But it’s not too late for us and our loved ones.

Have the talk today!

How to Handle Yourself During the Estate Settlement Process

January 14, 2013 | Julie Hall

It’s an observation worth noting: When it comes to dividing heirlooms and estate contents, everyone tenses up and no one wants to be the first to talk. You can sense the apprehension in the room, and it appears as if everyone is trying to predict what the other will do. Will my sister-in-law make a fuss? Will brother want the same things I want, and if so, what do we do? Will there be fighting and resentment?

From the perspective of this 20+ year estate veteran who has observed many families, we should be more concerned with our own behavior. It is more likely that people will follow rather than lead, so if you lead by example, the others may very well follow suit, especially if you remain positive. If every heir was in tune with their own behavior and had the ability to stay on the straight and narrow peaceful path, there would be a lot less fighting in the world. Unfortunately this is not always the case.

When a parent passes, particularly the last remaining parent, true colors, a few fangs, and an entitlement mentality will eventually surface. Most feuds break out for four basic reasons:

A misunderstanding has taken place and has not been effectively dealt with
Everyone grieves differently and emotions can be volatile
A situation has been festering for years that probably took place during childhood and now will appear, causing all kinds of problems
An heir perceives he/she is getting taken advantage of on the cash assets and/or heirlooms.

Here’s how you can contribute to a more peaceful resolution:

Sit down and say what’s on your mind. Beating around the bush confuses everyone and confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. My father always said that the day after a thunderstorm is usually clean, bright, and beautiful. The storm clears the air and so does a confrontation that is more about sharing than finger-pointing. Some heirs can’t handle this confrontation and I would definitely recommend some sort of mediation, if they want to save the relationship. The down side is if they don’t fix this early on, the relationship will eventually be irreparable as the damage continues to expand and both parties live out their lives with anger in their hearts.
It’s vital to do everything you can to keep the peace. Regardless of what part you play in this, it will have an impact on you too, most especially a negative impact. Even indirectly connected, you will be touched in some negative way. To avoid this, do your best to take the “higher road.” You’ll feel better doing so, even if it’s not always easy.
Validate the other person’s feelings if they share them with you. At least, listen. Repeat what they said to you so they feel you heard them. Both should agree to simply do the best you can to smooth it over somehow. A photo of mom and dad sitting in front of you wouldn’t hurt. After all, this is about honoring them and not about you.
Encourage others to be a part of the healing process, if they would like to be. It is not about taking sides. It is about encouraging both parties to do what they can to heal the hurt, if the hurt can be healed. It’s too easy to throw in the towel and quit. Always remain objective and try very hard to see the other side. Seeing both sides, or at least putting yourself in the other’s shoes, might very well lend some insight into the situation. The problem is that we are generally too self-centered to do this, because we feel strongly we are in the right. Promise yourself you will at least try!

Dividing heirlooms can be one of the most contentious experiences during our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles, but you can learn to put them out when they are smoldering, instead of when they grow into a full-blown forest fire.

His Outgoing Message Said …

September 12, 2011 | Julie Hall

“Hi. I hope you are going to have a great day. Sometimes, you’ve just got to go out there, do your best, and grab what you can. Make the most of your day and make it a great one.”

You may recall last week I wrote about a lovely man who is dying and his energy and attitude were incredible. He lifted me up with his words and charisma. Yesterday I called him to reconfirm an appointment to come and look at items he wanted to sell in order to donate the proceeds. His outgoing message was quoted above.

I thought to myself with so much going wrong these days, here is this one gentleman who probably doesn’t have much time left, and yet he is making a very strong impact on those around him. Touching them in an incredibly selfless manner. We don’t see that often, do we? Not in this me-me-me world.

It is difficult for us to reach deep down and pull up all the good that is within us, especially in the midst of the many challenges we face today. But if this one man can project beauty and goodness in his darkest days, we can too.

So I will add only one thing to his outgoing message: Smile a lot today, especially to those you don’t know. You never know what challenges they are facing.

We’re Celebrating Today!!!

June 27, 2011 | Julie Hall

Today, you are reading my 100^th blog!

100 messages of help and hope!

100 times The Estate Lady has tackled topics of timely thought!

Today, I celebrate all of you who “get it”!

To all of you who “get it”, I thank YOU! Not just because you make my job easier, but because you will go forward, share what you have learned from my blog and thoughts, my books and random opinions, and you will teach others how to finally “get it.” Eventually, the truth always sinks in. For some it takes a very long time. For others, it never happens and they will sadly perish before putting a little forethought into planning for loved ones when they are infirm or gone. Still, there are others who get it from the word “go” and realize that planning takes away a great worry, maps out a plan and offers guidance to those left behind to pick up the pieces. It’s about loving someone enough to do what is right, what is good, and what makes for old-fashioned common sense.

Gone are the days when you can scribble a will out on a piece of college-ruled paper. Its validity will be challenged along with your scruples. We live in a complex time: politically, socially, legally, etc. Don’t get me started! Our elderly loved ones lived during a time when life was less complex, though none the less challenging. They too had many hardships in their lives. Just because they are the silent generation doesn’t mean you have to be.

Have that courageous conversation! Ask them the difficult questions and expect answers. Ask what they want for their future, what their final wishes are, ask more about your family history. Just come from a place of love and understanding. Don’t be afraid to hurt their feelings. They might have some age on them, but they survived two World Wars, the Depression, and raising you, so we know they don’t spook easily. Do it now while you still can!

That’s your thought for the day. We’re going strong after 100 blogs, so I’d love to hear your questions or topics of interest, related to personal property and estates. Leave a comment below, and your question may be answered in a future blog.

Thanks to all of you who faithfully read and share this blog!!

A Change in Your Health Can Mean a Change in Your Will

May 23, 2011 | Julie Hall

An estimated 50% of us have a will or trust! This is not good news!

This one example really gets you thinking. Anytime there is a significant change in your life or a parent’s life, consider discussing ith an elder law or estate planning attorney. Being proactive isn’t always easy or pleasant, but it can head off gut-wrenching issues that will occur at some point, especially if you have elderly loved ones. Making sound decisions in the midst of crisis is not the optimal time to think clearly.

Lead with love, and start communicating while you can!

Tonight: “Top 10 Tips for Dealing with Your Parents’ Personal Property”

November 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

Join me tonight at 7 pm! I’ll be discussing the top 10 ways you can help your parents before a mental or physical crisis occurs.

With the holidays coming close, this is a perfect time to discuss important issues with your family, especially your parents. More important than deciding which side dishes to serve for Thanksgiving, this is information that will be most valuable to your family!

Join me for this FREE teleseminar on Tuesday, Nov 16 from 7-8 pm. I’m joining Anne Holmes of the National Association of Baby Boomer Women. Julie Hall Teleseminar link I’ll be taking questions too, so please call in and ask me your question.

After the seminar has concluded, I’ll post my top 10 list right here for you to download and share.