From One Extreme to Another

July 23, 2012 | Julie Hall

What I love about my work is that no two days, or families, are alike. I recently worked with a child of an elderly parent who is “ready to get the ball moving and clear out the house now.” Not time to go through it much — just get it empty and ready to be sold. Why? Because he has a financial interest in the property and he openly admitted it.

On the flip side, I know of other children of the elderly who are painstakingly going through the estate to uncover (and even cherish) every piece of paper mom ever touched. I have seen people hug toasters claiming a special “memory” and even packing up her old coupons to keep, though they expired in 1971.

Somewhere there has to be a happy medium.

I have seen children claim they’re not taking much from mom and dad’s estate because their own houses are so full there is no more room and “my husband will kill me if I take any more stuff.” Then, when I go back into the estate to do my work, it has been so picked over, there is nothing left but donation items.

I have my own theories about why people have difficulty letting go, particularly the Depression era and older boomer children. But what they don’t realize is these items will one day become a monkey on the backs of their children. It’s time to give this serious thought.

The younger kids don’t want the majority of it; what their parents have done is pass the buck to another generation who doesn’t have the same appreciation for these items as their parents do. As a result, these items will find their way to the dump, Goodwill, yard sales, etc. And the child will be resentful that they have to take the time to deal with the stuff, because their parents never did. That is not the kind of legacy I choose to leave.

Best as I can figure out, they believe that by leaving more stuff, they are leaving a valuable inheritance in their eyes. No one can discount the value of sentiment, including me. But why are they taking a table saw when they’ve never used one? It will only take up a huge amount of space and become problematic in the future, sitting there with an inch or two of dust on it. By the time someone goes to sell it, it will be considered antiquated and obsolete. It’s only purpose at that point, will be as an anchor.

Keeping that in mind, I also find military medals thrown in the trash where they keep company with the family photos that have been tossed. If it doesn’t make sense to you, then you’re in excellent company. You just never know what you’re going to get. It’s all in the eye of the beholder.

What We Find Left Behind

March 12, 2012 | Julie Hall

It’s always an eye-opening experience working in estates after the children have taken what they want and allow us to handle the remainder. You just never know what you will find left behind.

Sometimes, we just find what you would expect, the items that should have been discarded 40 years ago – broken items from the attic, old appliances, clothing that needs to be donated, etc. Other times, we find items that have value and we arrange to have them sold for the family. And on occasion, we find items that leave us scratching our heads, or items that we can never speak of and promise to take that information to our graves.

We see it all: the love, the fights, the estrangements, the addictions, the sorrows, the secrets – all of which are carried through our lifetimes.

It is difficult to put into words when you find war medals of courage and valor left on the floor for disposal, or antique photos of people in the family that have been left in a pile for us to discard. But we understand that every person has a story and we are not privy to their upbringing or lives, and therefore do not understand why they made the decisions they did.

Recently we found letters dating from the Civil War period, of a soldier who wrote home to his sister. He wrote of the horrible conditions, how most of his comrades had died from dysentery, and that there wasn’t enough food to keep the soldiers strong. He spoke of having no warmth through the winter months, but described it in such a way that he was not complaining. It was fascinating to hear of life so long ago from a person who lived during those times, but the family took no interest.

Other things we find are scrapbooks, war letters between mom and dad, family Bibles with genealogy information inside the front cover, diaries, estate jewelry, guns, etc.

I guess it’s true what they say. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and one cannot predict what is in a person’s heart during such difficult times.

Vulnerable Parents Can Protect Themselves

February 13, 2012 | Julie Hall

If you read last week’s blog, this title sounds like a contradiction to that article. Read on, and you’ll understand how parents can protect themselves and prepare their belongings for distribution without exploitation.

In my work of helping seniors appraise the worth of their personal property, or liquidating it, I have seen examples of unsavory human behavior during the process. This comes from family, friends, neighbors, or strangers.

In dealing with a lifetime accumulation of stuff, seniors are often at a vulnerable place in their lives and daunted by the task. That’s when predators appear, driven by insensitive greed and persuasive powers. These unscrupulous mischief makers could be stopped in their tracks if only the senior had the knowledge of how much their personal property was worth.

They should also proactively create a master list of what they perceive to be treasures – either sentimental or financial. Parents should use professional appraisers to valuate their possessions now, adding the appraiser’s report to the master list, to protect from unscrupulous people, either inside the family or from outside.

When seniors have avoided making these choices by doing nothing for their estate planning and distribution, they are actually making a decision with dire consequences. I always recommend that seniors distribute their treasures personally now, or in writing for distribution at death. When the gift is personally made, however, they have the satisfaction of seeing the joy on the face of the recipient!

If a personal transaction is not done, then the next best thing is to write down who gets what on a master list. This master list should be kept safely with the will. Both documents will almost always minimize family disputes and exploitation.

Problems generate when the children or close relatives are burdened with dealing with the death of the senior, the pressure of dealing with the estate, and the overwhelming task of disposing of the personal property. Seniors who recognize their own responsibility in this matter and make the decisions themselves are practicing the best defense against family quarrels or exploitation in any guise!

When Your Loved One Dies

January 9, 2012 | Julie Hall

A parent or grandparent has just passed away, and you are responsible for their estate liquidation. What do you do? Here are the most important practical steps to take, as you begin this process.

Change the locks on the estate immediately to prevent unscrupulous heirs from entering. While this will ruffle some feathers, it is absolutely the right thing to do to protect the assets from disappearing — and they will.
Secure the valuables, jewelry, money, sterling, artwork, etc. in a safe deposit box (if the executor has a safe at home) or other secure location with the understanding that the storage is just temporary. Never leave valuables in a vacant home as it will become a target. Also, this is not an excuse for heirs to “help themselves.” The executor will need to take charge and remain firm.
Look for a cash stash. Many people, particularly seniors, tend to hide money in places you would never think to look. If memory impairment was evident, leave no stone unturned because valuable items can surface in the strangest places. But remember too, a loved one with dementia will also give things away.
Search for important papers: will/trust, tax documents, papers for house/car, deeds, any inventory or appraisals, anything with family history documented, life insurance documents, etc.
Hire a professional certified personal property appraiser who is well-respected in the community to review the contents of the estate and ascertain what has value vs. what doesn’t. The appraiser can also act as a consultant who can advise on the distribution of the contents. They should never offer to buy what they appraise; that’s a conflict of interest.
Knowing ahead of time if there will be contentious moments with heirs and if you suspect trouble, get that appraisal report and divide the estate as equitably as possible, unless the loved one left specific instructions otherwise.
High end personal property should always be sent to an upper-tier auction gallery. Have it professionally valuated to see which auction it should go to. If liquidating the estate and it contains good, usable contents and plenty of small items, antiques and collectibles, hire a professional estate liquidator. (www.ASELonline.com)
Whoever you choose to hire, investigate them first by contacting the BBB, ask and check professional references, and make sure their company is registered in the state. Not every company is as it seems. You want a pro you can trust.

Sometimes Life’s an Oxymoron

January 2, 2012 | Julie Hall

A potential client sat in her parent’s affluent home asking my opinion as to how we should handle the dissolution of the property. In this case, I recommended a combination of auction and donation because it was not suitable for a good estate sale. Imagine my shock when she basically refused the very idea of donation. This was foreign to me. With so many out there in need, and her being financially blessed, I just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want the towels, linens, kitchen items, and clothing donated. I left the home not knowing what to make of it. This appeared to be a picture of an uncharitable heart … hold that thought.

On Christmas Eve, our family went to a candlelight service. Feeling a little blue because mom passed away and everything feeling weird without her, my father, family and I went to the service in hopes it would lift our Christmas spirit.

A small boy no older than 4 years old was wheeled in front of me. There, in a wheelchair that looked like something from outer space with every gadget and gismo attached, was this very tiny child with the most angelic face I had ever seen. He was beautiful with his blonde hair and blue eyes and looked like “Tiny Tim” from A Christmas Carol.

He was completely helpless and dependent on his parents. The child could not move any of his limbs and stared up at the ceiling. He never made a sound. Finally, his father unbelted him from his lifeline and picked him up. The boy was as limp as a ragdoll and showed no sign of life other than his eyes being open.

At first, dad held him on his lap and he repeatedly kissed the boy on the forehead. Then mom held him and she would rub his hair playfully, talk to him and kiss his cheeks. Their faces and eyes held the most amazing peace. I thought to myself, Now, that’s love. What an amazing example of love, compassion, and acceptance.

When you witness something as beautiful as that, and then meet other people who seem to have so much but are not willing to share any, it’s a little difficult to understand human nature.

I did not hear the minister’s message on Christmas Eve, because I was so engrossed in observing this family with their boy. When I realized I missed the bulk of the service, I just smiled to myself, knowing the message I had received was much more powerful — and a tender reminder that we have so much to be thankful for.

Permission to Let Go

November 28, 2011 | Julie Hall

The last two weeks were spent cleaning out Mom and Dad’s home. Mom passed in October and Dad is moving closer to me here in Charlotte this week. For 20 years, I have served others in doing this very task. What a bittersweet experience and very cleansing for me. Plenty of tears but even more smiles, which is the way Mom would have wanted it. So many memories came flooding in!

In cleaning out Mom’s closets, I was reminded of a conversation she and I had a few months ago. Wearing her robe, she escorted me to her closet one morning and pointed out 4 large Xerox boxes full of family photos from long ago. There, stacked neatly on the top shelf, these boxes took up quite a bit of space she couldn’t even reach.

Mom sighed and said, “Julie, when I die, I want you to take these boxes and throw them out or do whatever you want with them. They are photos of people you do not know; I don’t even know them all. So I am relieving you of the guilt my mother put on me. Get rid of them.” It was an Ah-Ha moment.

Standing before the closet without Mom by my side and feeling the pain of that solitude, that memory came shining through. I suddenly felt much lighter emotionally and physically, knowing I had her permission to do what I felt necessary.

Letting go. What a beautiful gift to give our children. We can’t hold onto everything, and releasing our loved ones from the guilt that binds us, offers peace we wouldn’t have otherwise. Thank you, Mom!

How to Behave As an Heir

June 20, 2011 | Julie Hall

Recently, I did a podcast for Moving Forward Matters in Ottawa, Canada. Here’s the link to my 10 minute discussion on Estate Etiquette.

http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/2011/06/08/estate-etiquette-know-what-to-do/

Here are several suggestions for how to behave as an heir in the estate of your parent or close loved one.

Sit down and say what’s on your mind. Beating around the bush confuses everyone. Confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. My father always said that the day after a thunderstorm is usually clean, bright, and beautiful. It clears the air and so does a confrontation that is more about sharing than finger pointing.
It’s vital to do everything you can to keep the peace. To avoid heartache and resentment, do your best to take the “high road.” It feels good to do so, though it’s not always easy.
Validate the other person’s feelings if they share them with you. At least, listen. Repeat what they said to you so they feel you heard them. Both should agree to simply do the best you can to smooth it over somehow. A photo of Mom and Dad sitting in front of you wouldn’t hurt. After all, this is about honoring them and not about the heirs.
Encourage others to be a part of the healing process, if they would like to be. It is not about taking sides. It is about encouraging both parties to do what they can to heal the hurt. Always remain objective and try very hard to see the other side.

Dividing heirlooms can be one of the most contentious experiences of our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles. But, you can learn to put them out when they are smoldering, instead of when they grow into a full-blown forest fire.

Downsizing = Daunting

April 17, 2011 | Julie Hall

“Daunting” is a good word to describe the downsizing process, and many questions and problems will arise during the process. Selling household contents and clearing out a home after a loved one becomes infirm or passes away brings about great emotions which further complicate the process.

Consider it a labyrinth of issues — whichever way you go, there are even more questions and things to worry about. There are many “unprofessional professionals” waiting in the wings to take advantage, so you must carefully choose the best professional to assist you. The more knowledge you can amass, the better equipped you will be to make sound decisions and feel good about them.

Talk to different professionals: auctions, estate liquidators, consignment companies, to gather facts and see what each one can offer you. Find out if they will come to your home and look at the items to be sold, what their percentage is, whether they charge a fee to pick those items up, can they provide references, do they work by contract (you want a contract!). Remember too, to contact your local Better Business Bureau to make sure they have no unresolved complaints against them.

Ask around. Talk to friends, colleagues, your attorney. Most of all, find a professional you feel comfortable with and feel you can trust. If your gut instinct tells you the fit is not right, listen to that instinct and continue searching for another professional.

Next week: A guide to hiring an estate liquidator

In the meantime, check out my book “How to Clean Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less” for so much more on this process. See the link to the book at the right of this blog.

How to Prevent Conflict Between Adult Children

March 28, 2011 | Julie Hall

A colleague in Canada invited me to create several podcasts for her website at Moving Forward Matters, Ottawa Home Transition Specialists.

The first one is titled, “How to Prevent Conflict Between Adult Children Before A Loved One Dies.” Here’s the link to the podcast: http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/2011/03/22/estate-planning-how-to-prevent-conflict-between-adult-children-before-a-loved-one-dies/

My greatest goal is to educate people and prepare them for the inevitable challenges of family members dealing with personal property accumulated over a lifetime. There are ways for parents (not just elderly parents) to prepare their children to deal with these possessions equitably, thereby avoiding years of hard feelings, sibling battles, court fights, and other ugly situations.

I hope you’ll listen to this podcast and then pass along a link to another family member or friend who may benefit from this advice. Remember, it’s not too early to simplify your possessions and create equitable plans for your children and grandchildren to follow.

“I know you paid $2,000 for it, but …”

February 28, 2011 | Julie Hall

If I had a dollar for every time I said this to a client, I would be a wealthy woman. It is a difficult occupation being an estate expert who specializes in personal property. They call it personal for a very good reason. When people go to sell their items, everyone gets very personal about them and feels they might be worth a fortune.

As one who has handled tens of thousands of personal items in my tenure, I can assure you very few pieces actually have truly significant value. I know you paid a considerable amount for that sofa, or candelabra, or sideboard, but in today’s market, that is a thing of the past. It’s a hard pill to swallow, I know.

The truth is, when times are good, people simply pay too much for things. Now, due to economic reasons, everyone is recycling personal property, buying at estate sales and auctions, and really saving a great deal of money not buying retail. When we hear clients lamenting the fact that they paid $4000 for a sofa and today can only get $600 for it, they want to know why!

In a nutshell, the styles have changed, the times have changed, younger women don’t like what the older women like, and we have too much supply of traditional furnishings as our older loved ones leave us. The more supply that comes on the market, the lower the prices will go.

So, hold onto your hat when you go to sell your furniture or traditional items. As hard as it may be to hear, remember … don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just doing my job to prepare you!

The Estate Lady

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