Estate Etiquette

June 14, 2010 | Julie Hall

It’s an observation worth noting: when it comes to dividing heirlooms and estate contents, everyone tenses up and no one wants to be the first to talk. You can sense the apprehension in the room, and it appears as if everyone is trying to predict what the other will do. Will my sister make a fuss? Will my brother want the same things I want, and if so, what do we do? Will there be fighting and resentment?

From the perspective of this 20 year veteran who has observed many families, we should be more concerned with our own behavior. If every heir was in tune with their own behavior and had the ability to stay on the peaceful path, there would be a lot less fighting in the world.

When a parent passes, particularly the last remaining parent, true colors, a few fangs, and an entitlement mentality will eventually surface. Most feuds break out for four basic reasons:

A misunderstanding has taken place and has not been effectively dealt with
Everyone grieves differently and emotions can be volatile
A situation has been festering for years that probably took place during childhood and will now appear, causing all kinds of problems
An heir perceives he or she is being cheated in the distribution of heirlooms

How do you contribute to a more peaceful resolution? Check back here next week for four valuable suggestions.

Announcing my new book!

May 17, 2010 | Julie Hall

“A Boomer’s Guide to Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less” is finally ready! It is currently available as an e-book which you can download and print out (http://www.booksonboard.com/index.php?BODY=viewbook&BOOK=686132). Within the next two weeks, it will be available in print also. I’ll include an update here on my blog when it has been released in print.

More than a “How-To” guide, A Boomer’s Step-by-Step Guide to Cleaning Out Your Parents’ House in 30 Days or Less is a “What To Do, When, and Why” take-along manual packed with meticulously compiled checklists, resources, and information. You are given logical, easy-to-follow steps so that you can literally clean out your parents’ house in less than 30 days. Best of all, you are given advice from a nationally acclaimed expert who has “seen it all” on how to do this for your own peace of mind and keep everyone’s best interests at heart.

Separate sections of this book cover practical checklists and resources to use when your parents are living and still in their home, when one or both parents are in failing health, and when parents have died and the estate remains. This book includes many worksheets, checklists, and forms you will need to effectively handle cleaning out your parents’ home. I want you to tuck this guide in your pocketbook or briefcase and use it throughout the process: my wisdom and experience at your fingertips.

Those of you who have read my first book, or read this blog for very long, know that I want to educate you. That’s my goal! There is a lack of information out there that handles cleaning out an estate, or dividing the estate contents equitably and without fighting. I want to create helpful and very practical guides that cut through to the essentials, and give you all the tools to educate yourself and then do the task effectively.

My Sibling is the Problem

May 10, 2010 | Julie Hall

This week, I’m answering another great question from a reader.

Q: I am the executor of my mother’s estate. There are 4 children and one of them is being problematic, even accusing me of things I haven’t done and have no intention of doing. Is there something I can do to help this situation, because she is not speaking with me and causing everyone great distress? She wants everything in Mom’s house that is valuable and is not willing to share. Mom specified everything be split 4 ways equally. Any help would be appreciated!

A: In my profession, I see this more often than I would like to admit. Sometimes the glue of the family begins to disintegrate once both parents pass away. If one sibling is being difficult, he or she is really calling out for some type of assistance, and it requires great patience and grace to get to the root of the problem. In some cases, the difficulty can lie in a form of guilt or resentment that this sibling is feeling. Perhaps they never got the chance to make something right with the loved one before their passing, or felt cheated during their life by the one who just died. Envy can also play an important role in the behavior of siblings during this difficult time.

Here’s what to do to help this situation. Write each sibling a letter as the executor. Share with them the feelings and fears you have about this situation. Be honest and direct and encourage a family meeting. Offer each sibling the opportunity to speak, one at a time. Ask the problematic sibling to tell you what they desire and why. What would make them feel better? Really listen to each other.

Have an appraiser evaluate the contents of the home before anything is removed. Keep a spreadsheet for each sibling and what they would like to have. Make certain each takes approximately the same financial amount, based on the appraisal. If one has considerably less assets, make up for it with cash assets, if all siblings agree. Select items in mom’s house in order of birth and then reverse the order to make it fair, or draw names out of a hat.

Being an executor is probably the most difficult task you might ever experience. It will test the core of your being! Lead with your heart, keep compassion on the forefront of your mind to remain fair and objective, and most of all, honor your mother’s memory by being respectful of her and her lifelong possessions. This is about your mother’s wishes, not your sibling’s!

The Art of Procrastination

March 29, 2010 | Julie Hall

Why do some procrastinate when dealing with death, caregiving, and other challenging issues? That is the million-dollar question!

Some of us are exceptionally good at doing things and tending to every imaginable task, like it or not. Some of us are followers that are very good at taking direction from the doers. Still, others are extremely skilled at procrastination and avoiding the elephant in the room, even if it must be dealt with.

In my 20 year professional quest for the answer to procrastination, I am reminded of an image we have all seen in old “spaghetti westerns”, the old cowboy pushing and cursing at his stubborn donkey to get up and go! The same is true for our clients, relatives, and friends. Never is it more unnerving than when you are trying to settle an estate, handle issues related to an illness or the death of a loved one, and the decision maker is — dare I say it — a procrastinator.

Why do some procrastinate?

First, they don’t have the ability to, or simply can’t, deal with the issue at hand. Perhaps it is too emotional, or they are just indecisive people to begin with and tackle all life’s issues in this manner.

Second, they simply don’t want to handle this issue. Often, but not always, these personality types ill allow people who are doers to come in and take over the reins (literally). With people like this, I always map out a plan — here’s what happens first, second, etc. They like to know what is going on, but don’t necessarily desire to be a part of the process.

Third, why deal with it today when I don’t have to? There’s not much I can say about this type. I have seen many unexpected deaths in my line of work, and to me, there’s no time like the present. Why put it off when it has to be done anyway? Just do it!

There is no known cure for procrastination. One would think that time and experience would teach people not to put things off. Since the beginning of time, people have put things off because they didn’t want to think or act. That’s why so many people perish without having even a basic will, let alone having many other vital issues discussed and planned out.

Procrastination is a bad word. Planning, while you are in control and have your say, is a beautiful gift to everyone around you!

“Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.” ~~Napoleon Hill

Why No One Wants Grandma’s China

March 22, 2010 | Julie Hall

Have you seen the prices of china services lately, outside the retail market? What a nosedive! China services, from my perspective, are low and heading lower. Several reasons explain this.

Too much supply, not enough demand. Our Depression Era mothers who loved their china are sadly passing away. This will flood the market with a huge supply.
Our Boomer generation already have their china services and don’t have the space to take more, because we have too much already.
The Boomer’s children, Generation X and Y, have no interest in it whatsoever. They simply do not want grandmother’s “old stuff.”
Generation X and Y want to visit IKEA and buy an everyday set in their colors, and when they tire of the color, go buy another set in a year. Why? They come in great colors and are affordable.

So as you can see, we have a definite downward turn in the market. There are some very fine porcelain manufacturers in the world and some of them are extraordinarily and beautiful. There will always be some people in the world who will pay exceptionally well for a china service, because they feel it is heirloom quality. The question is: will they want it? And will they ever get the $$$$ back out of it. The majority of the time, the answer is no.

Are there some clients who are grossly disappointed by this? Oh, yes! My elderly female clients are aware the grandchildren don’t want these things. They have confided in me that they wish the grandchildren did, because the china was so important to them and their generation. People change, and times change!

Rarely do we entertain anymore, let alone cook. Most women will tell you they do not desire that cooking and cleaning overload, after a tiring week at work. Remember that our mothers generally did not work out of the home. Today’s woman is a professional multi-tasker, part of the sandwich generation, works full time, travels, raises kids, care-gives for older parents, and is absolutely exhausted!!

If today’s woman can’t put it in the dishwasher, she doesn’t want to use it. Our mothers washed it all by hand, and with pride!

These are my thoughts on why china, like Hummel figurines, is almost a thing of the past. The young girls are simply not interested.

How Not to Become One of the Estate Lady’s Sad Stories

March 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

In my book and in many of my articles, I tell stories of estates I have handled with sad outcomes; either the parents were unprepared when death came, or there are serious and tragic family rivalries over possessions. These stories are avoidable with preparation. Real stories, every bit the truth, seem to stick with people better than a list of reasons.

The best protection against family rivalries is an updated will from your parents, along with preparation and preplanning with mom and dad. So, here’s how NOT to become one of my sad stories in a future book or article.

Encourage your parents to create a wish list of what they want to give and to whom, and distribute copies to every child or heir. This way, everyone has a copy, and if they are unhappy, they have to take it up with the parents while they are still alive.
Understand that you are not entitled to anything unless someone gives you an inheritance or a gift. Your parents can do whatever they want with their estate. Just being their child does not guarantee you an inheritance. If you receive an inheritance, be exceptionally thankful.
Understand that settling an estate is one of the most difficult things you and your siblings will go through, especially during the division of personal property. Chances are pretty good you won’t be pleased with the outcome of what you walk away with, but be thankful anyway.
Remember that this is not about you; it’s about what your parents want. This is why it is imperative that a last will and testament and other legal documents be drawn up by an attorney. You should encourage your parents to make decisions prior to infirmity or death.

‘Til Death Do Us Part

February 1, 2010 | Julie Hall

Most of us enjoy hearing those words during a wedding ceremony where the new couple is floating in bliss and envision being by each other’s side until death separates them. From my perspective, however, I see people who have a very passionate reliationship with their material possessions; sometimes more so than with each other! If I didn’t know any better, I would say they feel confident that they can take their possessions with them when they leave this earth.

With almost two decades in the estate industry helping people make decisions about the dissolution of personal property, I have seen it all. And in all those years, I have tried to figure out why people have such a hard time letting go.

It is important to note that often the Depression Era generation is the one that accumulated the most. Their parents did not have much and probably possessed more utilitarian items because of the time period. When their parents passed away, they did not distribute or sell those items — they absorbed them, which means the Boomers have much more to deal with when their Depression era parents pass away.

Here are a few thoughts on why people hold on to so much:

You just never know when I’m going to need this.
There are so many things I could use this for.
If I only hold onto it long enough, it will become valuable.
It is already old, so it must be valuable.
I did without this as a child, and I will not do without again.
It was a gift and I will honor the giver by keeping it.
The more I leave for the kids, the more they will have.
I worked very hard for these things, and I will pass them down.
They bring comfort and familiarity.
Sentimental reasons
Too overwhelmed to let it go — emotional attachment
“I’ll let my kids deal with this after I’m gone.”

What do you think? I’d love to hear your reasons for keeping things; click “leave a comment” below this blog. We’ll talk more about the problem and the solutions in the next couple of weeks. Please come back!

The Death Bed Thief

January 18, 2010 | Julie Hall

Exploitation can raise its ugly head in the midst of unsuspecting situations. Such was the case with the Garvey family (not real name). Mom and Dad Garvey were about the nicest people you’d ever wish to meet. Their three adult children lived nearby; they loved to have all the grandchildren over for Sunday dinners. All of the children were successful, and the family often took vacations together. As Mom Garvey shared with me, she could not recall one moment of discord between her kids.

Dad Garvey was diagnosed with cancer at age 73, and the disease progressed rapidly. He had lived a good life, and faced his illness with grace and courage. Even as his strength waned, he loved having his family visit. But soon death was imminent and hospice was called in to assist him and his family. That’s when strange things began to happen.

One of his daughters became uncharacteristically possessive. She wanted to be at Dad’s bedside around the clock. Normally a sweet and accomodating person, she would snap at her mother over the smallest thing. She accused her siblings of not caring enough for their dad, even as she tried to prevent them from being with him during his final days.

Eventually Dad Garvey passed away, with his wife and children at his bedside. But as the funeral director’s hearse pulled up to take the body to the funeral home, the same daughter disappeared into the basement, while the others comforted one another in their grief.

It was a few days later that they discovered what the daughter had been doing. Apparently, while she was keeping vigil by her father’s bedside, she was also surveying his belongings. When he died, she quickly grabbed the things she had stashed in the final couple weeks of his life. Mysteriously, even though Dad Garvey had prepared a will, it was never found.

This is a scary story, no doubt. But imagine, for just a moment, how different this story would have gone if the parents had given serious consideration to dividing their estate prior to infirmity or death. At the very least, they should have distributed a master list of what they wanted each child or heir to have, making sure that each child received a copy. The will should have been given to the executor or another trusted professional, so it would have been available upon death.

If every child knows the plan in advance, it will be much harder for one child to take the lion’s share. Unfortunately, this scenario occurs every single day, because no one planned ahead!

How did I get into this line of work?

September 28, 2009 | Julie Hall

You may be wondering how I got into this line of work. It happened innocently enough and turned into a real eye-opener!

Receiving a phone call from someone in crisis is common at my office, but when the phone rang one afternoon, and it was a colleague claiming an emergency, I knew the matter was very urgent.

My colleague said one of his clients, who was preparing to move to a safe environment for those afflicted with Alzheimer’s, was at home alone when her neighbors — so-called friends — and a few antique dealers all decided to pay her a visit on the same afternoon. (Word spreads like wildfire any time an older adult begins downsizing an estate, and I caution you to pay close attention to this story so you can protect your loved ones!)

This elderly woman’s home was filled with many valuable possessions. Apparently several people came by to “purchase” all of her assets. My colleague had tried to get the dealers out of the house, but no one took him seriously. Knowing that I deal with this sort of thing daily, he asked me to intervene quickly, even though I had never met this woman.

These neighbors and friends and dealers were literally stripping her home of her lifelong heirlooms, possessions that were supposed to be passed down to her children after her death. Her children would never see those heirlooms again. The neighbors and friends helped themselves, throwing a $1 or $5 bill at her for items worth thousands of dollars. Sadly, they preyed upon her much like a vulture stripping a bone. In her advanced diseased state, she simply didn’t know any better. But they did!

How I wished the family would have known to expect exploitation in times of fragility! This story is one I see frequently. One day, I had had enough and decided to write a book to assist the boomer children, and the elderly parents navigate the final chapter of their lives.

www.TheBoomerBurden.com

Is there an expert in the house?

September 21, 2009 | Julie Hall

You can only imagine what I see each day as I venture into the homes of people getting ready to disolve the estate of a loved one who has passed away. It is an amazing view into the world of human nature — who wants what, the fights over money and things, the greedy relatives coming out of the woodwork, families not understanding the value of things, etc.

You name it and I’ve seen it! Not much seems to surprise me in the realm of estate settlement.

Having spent 18 years in perfecting the process of estate dissolution for my clients and those wanting to learn my area of expertise, I have uncovered a vast need in the country today that virtually no one is tending to. And soon enough, it will be near epidemic level! No one thinks about it until it actually happens and you find yourself in the midst of a crisis.

As our beloved parents leave the earth, they also leave behind one of the largest accumulations of stuff, more than any other generation in history. The Depression Era is known for never throwing anything away, and not always very good at letting it go either. Their parents, our grandparents, actually owned very little by comparison. Therefore, their accumulation was not dealt with, but absorbed by our parents’ generation. This leaves the boomer children with not only mom and dad’s stuff, but now they have to deal with multi-generational items at the same time.

As overwhelming as it is to handle the death of a parent, it becomes absolutely grueling when the kids have to dive into the estate face-first: divide the estate, handle feuds that arise, and clean out the house in a short period of time.

Then it occurred to me that the reason so many flounder in this area, is because there has never been anyone to show them how to go through the process in a logical and timely fashion. No worries — help has arrived!

My book, The Boomer Burden — Dealing With Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, is a must-have book on how to go through the process from beginning to end, offering trustworthy guidance every step of the way. More on that later…