‘Til Death Do Us Part

July 31, 2013 | Julie Hall

Most of us enjoy hearing those words during a wedding ceremony, where the new couple is floating in bliss and envision being by each other’s side until death separates them. From my perspective, however, I see people who have a very passionate relationship with their material possessions, sometimes more so than each other! If I didn’t know better, I would say they behave as if they can take their possessions with them when they leave this earth, but we know that we can’t take stuff with us.

I have seen it all. In all those years of estate work, I have tried to figure out why people have such a hard time “letting go.” Often, the Depression Era generation is the one that has accumulated the most, in my experience. Their parents did not have much and probably possessed more utilitarian items because of the era in which they lived. When their parents passed away, they did not distribute or sell those items … they absorbed them. The boomers have multiple generations of stuff to deal with when their Depression Era parents pass away.

Here are a few thoughts on why people hold on to so much:

You just never know when I’m going to need this.
There are so many things I could use this for.
If I hold onto it long enough, it will become valuable.
It is already old, so it must be valuable.
I did without as a child and I will not do without again.
It was a gift and I will honor the giver by keeping it.
The more I leave the kids, the more they will have.
I worked very hard for these things and I will pass them down.
They bring comfort and familiarity.
Sentimental reasons.
Too overwhelmed to let it go — emotional attachment.
I’ll let my kids deal with this after I’m gone.

As an appraiser of residential contents, this is the part where I try to put my clients at ease. When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate appraised prior to distributing or selling contents. Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value. Some children feel that items might be “junk” and some pieces do turn out to have significant value, pleasantly surprising them. Family stories through the years can add to the anticipation that great-grandfather’s chair is more valuable because it is so old, but age is not the only factor of value. There are many more characteristics of value we look at to determine it’s worth.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of their heirs already have houses that are full of accumulation from 25+ years of marriage. Adding more stuff will only fuel marital strife. I’ve seen divorces happen over keeping too much stuff.

Some kids keep items to sell, others for sentimental reasons. others because they feel guilt because “mother would kill me if I didn’t keep this.” The younger generation appear to want nothing but cash assets. Even if your children do take a few items, their children definitely don’t want them now, and most likely will feel the same in the future. They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions when they could take the cash and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn. This is the trend.

Holding on to possessions because you don’t want to let them go will leave a massive burden on your children. Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action. Take it from one who knows!

Julie Hall, The Estate Lady®, is the foremost national expert on personal property in estates, including liquidating, advising, and appraising. http://www.TheEstateLady.com She is also the Director of American Society of Estate Liquidators®, the national educational and resource organization for estate liquidation. http://www.aselonline.com

The Estate Medium

June 5, 2013 | Julie Hall

Give me a little while in an estate – any estate – and I will tell you more about that loved one’s life than most people who knew them. Walking into an estate, sight unseen for the first time, can be compared to an artist starting on a new canvas. We wipe the mental slate clean from the last estate and clear ourselves before going in to “receive” thoughts, feelings, and even a certain energy about the home and the people who lived there. One can sense many things immediately, if they are open to it.

In my career, I have handled the estates of young and old alike: the mentally ill, the lost souls, those who end their own lives, the hoarders, the estranged, those with dementia, eating disorders, chronic disease, those who died rich, and those who died poor. While these are all very different, I have come to the conclusion that in the end, we are all pretty much the same regardless of the situation that led to the eventual demise.

I went into an estate last week where someone ended their life. This is not common, but I see it a few times each year. The feeling is always the same once I have entered the home. I walk in and instantly feel a wall of despair. It is a profound sense of sadness. As I walk through the home, I will see other signs that something wasn’t quite right; either the home is too clean (as in OCD clean) or I see hoarding tendencies. Often scattered around in the strangest places, I will see liquor bottles coupled with a multitude of prescription bottles; you know what a dangerous combination this is. I look at what their hobbies and interests were, which will reveal much about them. And sometimes I can see conflict in their lives just by observing what was in their home. Was it mental illness, untreated depression, drugs, etc? We’ll never know. It is not unusual to sense that at one time, they were a very bright light.

If we are in the home for any length of time, would you believe me if I told you that my staff and I begin to cry, or that we are filled with sorrow we don’t understand? It’s as if we can feel what they felt. We can feel that they were “stuck” in a dark place even though they had much to offer. A very sad situation indeed. We always end up praying for that person (for everyone, really), lifting lovely thoughts and words hoping that they have found peace at last, and that we are there to help the family begin to heal by handling the estate for them.

On the flip side, we can also sense lives and homes that are buoyant, colorful, joyful, and productive. These homes are filled with light, usually lovers of animals and nature, and hobbies such as volunteering, bird watching, and gardening. In these homes, we usually just feel a stillness that has no heaviness to it. And in some cases, we start singing and are lighthearted while working in the estate. We don’t always understand why the environment affects us and our feelings.

Two completely different experiences, and everything you can imagine in between.

I believe there’s a way we can incorporate a conscious change into our lives and homes, so we can positively shift the energy we carry with us, for it remains long after we are gone, and deeply affects our loved ones left behind.

Sharper Than a Serpent’s Tooth is a Thankless Child

April 26, 2013 | Julie Hall

(Literal meaning: It is especially painful to raise an ungrateful child.)

Shakespeare really understood human nature, tragic as it can be sometimes. From his King Lear in 1605, he writes about the pain of a thankless child.

Here’s my hair-raising story:

In an estate I was handling, I was privy to a situation that made my stomach turn. It still blows my mind! After all these years, certain situations still get to me … because I care.

Before an elderly parent died, knowing what her children were like, she assigned a trusted friend to be the executor. The children were estranged, yet greedy. I cannot comprehend how a child can be estranged, yet still feel they are entitled to an inheritance. As I have often written in my books, we are entitled to nothing unless it is given to us. But that’s just my opinion. It seemed this parent left nothing to the children, save the personal property. And the hunger games began … literally.

Among the siblings, it became an epic battle of name calling, expert manipulation, grabbing possessions just to spite the other, take as much as they could to sell for cash, and even physical assault. Besides shaking my head in disbelief, a pitiful thought enters my mind: These behaviors in no way honored the decedent. Self-centered, disrespectful, discourteous, greedy, bratty …

I wouldn’t want to be around when the karma train pays them a visit.

This parent exited life knowing her children were like that. Even in death, they pathetically displayed every behavior that shouldn’t be allowed. This parent lived and died with disappointment and sadness, knowing the kids were like this. She did what she could from a planning perspective and put someone else in charge of the estate; this was a smart move. Was this a good parent? Who knows? There are two sides to every story, but the kids should at least be respectful in death.

All of these children are middle age which means they are old enough to know better. They were angry that the parent had the last laugh, so to speak, and hit her in the wallet where it hurt. This was not a case of loving and missing a parent so much that they wanted select items for sentimental reasons.

I watched as they stripped this once beautiful home like a school of piranhas would strip a cow bone. The only emotion was anger.

Lessons I’ve learned from my work:

Do your best to always be genuine, kind, respectful, and loving.
Turn your cheek and bite your tongue often.
Bad behavior can invade your soul, so don’t allow it.
Bad behavior is contagious, so don’t allow it.
Honor those who go before you, and then one day, you’ll be honored too.
Bring as much “light” as you can to the situation. People can get lost in the dark during estate settlement situations.

“I Never Saw it Coming!”

April 2, 2013 | Julie Hall

A client of mine knew he faced a hellacious task ahead of him — cleaning out the parental home of lifelong collectors. Some people call it collecting; others like myself call it pseudo-hoarding. After an initial consultation, and explaining the process of disassembling the estate, he was completely on-board with emptying the house. I promised I could undo 40 years of heavy “collecting” in 56 hours.

He assured me the family had already chosen the items they wanted to keep, and we even gave his sibling a few extra days to go through it. My instructions were clear; please make your selections and remove the items because once I am in the home, it would be best to remain away until our work is done. The client was very understanding of this and we scheduled the work.

On a personal level, I know it can be emotionally draining to go through this process of sorting through and selecting items from mom and dad’s home, who are now deceased. I have always believed this is part of the grieving process. But there is a fine line where it can quickly turn to hoarding, and it becomes clear a child can’t let go for numerous reasons. I have long preached that memories are not found in things, but in the precious relationships we build along the way. Sadly, most people do not get this concept.

Long story short, one sibling could not stay away from the home, and could not stop filling their vehicle each day. Things were missing that were slated for auction; so much that we had to all but cancel the auctioneer! My client was most baffled by his sibling’s actions. “I don’t understand why they are doing this! I have been very clear with them to stay away, and they assured me they didn’t want much. I don’t get it. I NEVER saw this coming! Why are they doing this?”

The explanation was simple: She could not properly digest that mom and dad were gone, and as a close second to having them there (which is no longer possible), she took their possessions. I also see many children who never made amends or rectified any pending issues prior to a parent passing away. This leaves a tremendous weight on their shoulders that they don’t know how to deal with. The problem now became that this sibling took so much, there was no room in their own home to enjoy. Don’t look now, but they just continued the pattern of being a heavy collector, I mean … hoarder.

It is easy for me to critique what I see because I am on the outside looking in. I know the sibling who took so much will be miserable with all this stuff. They won’t be able to move around their own house, which forces them to make decisions to let go of some items when they are not thinking clearly, probably causing marital strife also.

Bottom line: Just when you think you can predict a family member’s actions, you can’t! We all handle infirmity, death, and grief differently. In this case, there was one sibling who was in serious emotional turmoil and could benefit from grief counseling — and I mean that most sincerely, as it helped me greatly.

What Have I Done to Deserve That?

February 26, 2013 | Julie Hall

Richard is 82 years old and not in good health. He lives in the Midwest and called me asking for help with his possessions. He was moving himself into a small private residence, since he can no longer care for himself. From what I could tell, he is kind natured and soft spoken. He told me about his many physical ailments such as diabetes, cancer, breathing problems, etc. Richard was forthcoming, had his wits about him, and was very pragmatic about his limitations. He told me he was “falling apart” and needed help.

One of the questions I ask people who call me for help is “Do you have any family that can lend a hand?” Richard has two adult sons. He said they never call, don’t care about him, and never showed any interest in him or his life. As a highly decorated veteran who earned a Purple Heart in the Korean War, he lived a full life as a Marine, with many stories to tell. He was there at the Battle of Chosin Resevoir — a brutal 17 day battle in freezing weather. It was pretty clear to me that this man had endured the unthinkable, and even in his older age was still a tough Marine, but his voice held a fragility when it came to his sons.

“What did I do to deserve this treatment from my boys? I worked hard all of my life to provide for them, and now they aren’t there for me. What did I do wrong?”

Knowing I was in a position to help Richard, I did my best to assure him that the pitiful actions of his children are not of his doing. They are adults now and have made a decision not to be present in his life. One day they would live to regret it, as they sort through his possessions and find his Purple Heart, wishing they could ask questions about their father’s valor and what that great battle was really all about. But by then, it would be too late; the heavy weight of guilt would be upon their shoulders.

I encouraged Richard to build a relationship with his only grandson, who seemed to at least have some interest in him and his life story.

There are times it becomes very clear to me that people cross our paths for just a few minutes, and in that short time, you can either make a difference or not!

Semper Fi, Richard. May your journey be a peaceful one from this point forward.

In Search Of …

October 16, 2012 | Julie Hall

Everybody is in search of something. We search for happiness, prosperity, vitality, etc. We search for understanding, the meaning of life, the mysteries of the universe. We look for people and special places and a million other things – all so that our lives will be meaningful.

In all my years of working in estates, I see clients searching for something too, but many of them haven’t quite figured out what it is they are looking for. When it comes to clearing out the estate, many of them take way too much stuff only to clutter up their own homes. You know they will never use those items, yet they continue taking, taking. Why do they do this? What void are these things feebly filling, that they didn’t get from the loved one in life?

Are they searching for absolution from a lost parent, or in need of validation of who they were to the parent? Are they angry with the deceased loved one and never got a chance to make it right? Are they guilt-ridden? Did they not receive enough emotional love and support from the parent-child relationship, and now take things feeling “entitled” and holding a grudge?

Things are never a replacement for people. At the end of our lives, we can’t take these things with us anyway and they will only serve to burden our children who really don’t want the stuff from the start.

When my mother died, here’s what I took from her estate and that very painful experience:

I took her beautiful smile and laughter, forever etched in my memory.
I took her solid advice and now practice it daily.
I took 50 years of memories … family gatherings and good times.
I took photographs so I would never forget how blue her eyes were.
I took her common sense, good manners, and lady-like disposition, and carry them with me, among many other things.

The point I’m trying to make is that memories are not found in things. The things you take from an estate will gather dust and be forgotten eventually. Special memories are already in your heart if you had a good relationship with the loved one. And if you didn’t/don’t have a good relationship, now is a really good time to try to mend old, crumbling fences.

The Wallet

March 19, 2012 | Julie Hall

Last week, I wrote about the things people leave behind in estates. This week, I want to share with you a special find that not only surprised the daughter when I presented it to her, but helped to heal an old, yet still open, wound.

Their dad had died over 30 years ago, and the daughter had shared with me how very special dad was, and how she could feel his presence while she was disassembling the family home. While going through a pile of stuff the realtor moved aside to stage the home, I found dad’s wallet and knew I had to keep it for the daughter.

The moment I opened the wallet, I remember being greeted by a kind face on the driver’s license staring back at me. The wallet was filled with oodles of photos of his children and grandchildren. I instinctively knew he was someone special. So when I handed it to his daughter at the completion of our job, you could see the joy in her face. We had indeed found a treasure among the ruins of taking apart the home. It had been particularly rough for her, so this was like the prize at the bottom of the box — that special slice of serendipity that plops on your lap when you least expect it. I love it when that happens.

Little did I know when she called me the next day, she had discovered a special order to the photographs in dad’s wallet. Her brother’s photo was the first one, and underneath were stacked photos of her, her mom, grandkids, etc. Instead of being bothered by that, she said the most amazing thing. Her brother had battled a substance abuse problem in his youth that caused upheaval in the family and I can only assume the same for his interpersonal relationships. And while the sibling had long been clean and sober, dad never lived long enough to see the wonderful person his son turned out to be.

Even though dad had been gone over three decades, he still had a message of love to send to both of his children. The message was loud and clear: At a time when a parent is pushed to the limit of love and understanding in dealing with a substance issue, he never gave up on believing in or loving his son.

Today, I understand that son is an incredible man who found his inner strength and now helps others do the same. May the finding of this small, yet powerful item bring both children peace and emotional closure, knowing how much their father loved them!

What I’ve Learned as an Expert in “Things” (part 2)

November 7, 2011 | Julie Hall

I probably don’t have to tell you this, since Wal-Mart and almost every other store are playing holiday music already: The holidays are coming soon!!

As I write this blog on what I’ve learned as an expert on “things,” I realize that these last two thoughts, promised to you last week, will revolutionize how you view this year’s holidays. They’ll probably also save you money and frustration when holiday shopping time comes. Please consider the following observations from this expert in “things:”

3. It’s what you do with what you have that really counts, not what you possess. In these tough economic times, it’s important to remember there are others dealing with greater difficulties than you. Even while we tighten our purse strings, we can still give in many ways that others would be so grateful for.

Give of yourself.
Go visit someone you have been meaning to see for a long time.
Write that letter.
Bake those cookies.
Volunteer for those needing help.
Visit those confined to home by infirmity or sickness.
Surprise a loved one.
Make that phone call to make amends with one you haven’t spoken to for years.
Bring your children to an assisted living or nursing home; watch the residents light up.
Say what you need to say, and do so right now.
Ask for forgiveness and offer it, no matter what.
Offer hugs to those who really need it.
Listen to your elders because you will learn so much.

4. If you have a senior in your life … Spend a full day with them and ask them to share stories of your family history — fun stories, challenges, family secrets, marriages. Look through old photos. Record this day and make a book for them (and copies for each sibling) so it may be passed down for years to come. Many children regret not having more family history, but they realize this only after a loved one has left us.

Make a Plan for the Ashes

August 15, 2011 | Julie Hall

Several years ago, I was preparing for an estate sale and found cremated remains in the bottom of a china hutch. They were handed to the son, who promptly tossed them under the kitchen sink right in front of me. Yes, you read that correctly. The ashes were tossed in with the Comet, Cascade, rags, and Brillo pads. I was aghast! How could anyone do such a thing?

I called the attorney’s office to report this horrible act and offered something above and beyond my call of duty. I offered to appropriately scatter the ashes in a beautiful place and say a prayer for this deceased person.

Today, years after the fact, I received a call asking me to handle the remains because no one else will. It is a strange thought: here I am, a perfect stranger to the decedent, yet I care more about him than his own family. I know there are laws concerning this and I will do my due diligence to appropriately handle this out-of-the-ordinary mission that has landed in my lap. Surely a family member would care enough to tend to this need? Sadly, not one of them does care.

This should be a reminder to us all that when a loved one is cremated (including our beloved pets), plans must be made in advance for their final resting place. What if the one who has the ashes in their possession dies and no one in the family knows what to do with them? This is especially important in blended families. It’s not something we think about often, but a plan will ensure that the proper procedure will be followed when the time comes.

“Are Co-Executors a Good Idea?”

May 16, 2011 | Julie Hall

Q: I have two grown daughters who get along well, and treat me with great care and respect. Now that my husband has passed away, I need to update my will. I am considering both my daughters to be co-executors. Is this a good idea or not, Julie? What do you suggest?

A. Have you ever noticed that there are those who are very good at making decisions and those who couldn’t make a decision if their life depended on it? While these are two extreme examples, everyone is somewhere between those two extremes – a mixed bag of opinions, emotions, thoughts, feelings, theories, etc. You never know what you’re going to get when you add different moods and personalities to the mix.

Even when you know someone very well, the tide can easily turn when one is grieving and handling an estate, which is a very stressful situation. The slow and steady brother suddenly rears up and causes strife which you did not expect. The quiet, reclusive sister becomes the chronic complainer to the point of estrangement. Another sister is refusing to move out of the home, causing major financial problems for the family. Finally, the long-lost baby brother no one has heard from in years surfaces, demanding his share.

One executor is difficult enough, for they can never make everyone happy and are always the target. Having co-executors is not often recommended by legal professionals for these reasons: differences of opinion, geographically remote from the location of the estate, one can easily cause trouble, the other can drag out the sale of the estate against the family’s wishes. You name it and I’ve seen it!

I think many people choose co-executors because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. In the end after they leave this earth, the hurt, pain, and grief that their decision has caused can be unbearable.

Bottom line: Think long and hard before assigning co-executors. It may be best to assign this role to someone who is completely objective, rather than either of your daughters.