If I Hadn’t Gone Out in the Storm

April 23, 2015 | Julie Hall

Having worked 14 hours yesterday, I was really dragging when I finally arrived home from an estate. I had missed lunch and dinner, was dehydrated, had 11 phone calls to return, and an appraisal to complete. It was a harrowing day: people not showing up, challenges at the estate, the phone wouldn’t stop ringing, etc. At home, there was no peace either: the house was messy, my daughter needed help, and the cat needed to be fed and medicated. How can anyone work this hard? I thought to myself.

The torrential rain came with the thundering on the roof and windows. I was finally relieved to be printing off my appraisal report. All of a sudden, no ink remained and the printer came to a screeching halt. Time was a factor; I had to print it out and get it in the mail. Glancing outside, I knew I had to go out in the storm, as tired as I was. The truth is I didn’t want to go, and I started having a little pity party all by myself, in the confines of my office. My daughter felt badly because she had used my printer relentlessly for a school project, which left me with no ink.

I glanced at the raging storm outside. It’s now or never. It’s got to get done.

I grabbed my keys and was on my way to Staples, but it closed 4 minutes before I arrived. Just my luck. I drove further in the rain to find another store and finally got my ink, just in time before they closed. Sopping wet and resigned to my situation, I drove home animatedly, talking out loud in the car about all my complaints. Finally I turned the corner heading home, and instantly, the rain stopped, the sun popped out, and this is what I saw. I pulled to the side of the road to take this photo and share it with you.

If I hadn’t gone out in the storm, I never would have seen this beauty. My Grinch face softened into a smile, knowing someone up above had my back. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was just a little too busy chasing that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, instead of realizing I already had it.

We all work hard and it can be a challenge to make ends meet and make things work for us. Sometimes we need a sign of hope and joy to remind us it’s the simple things that make us smile the most. My favorites? Chocolate, gardening, blissful naps, my cat’s purring, and the “buzz” of a hummingbird.

Julie Hall, The Estate Lady®, is the foremost national expert on personal property in estates, including liquidating, advising, and appraising. http://www.TheEstateLady.com She is also the Director of American Society of Estate Liquidators®, the national educational and resource organization for estate liquidation. http://www.aselonline.com.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

Giving While Still Living

April 16, 2015 | Julie Hall

Every estate plan should have a mandatory requirement: give away what you have (or at least part of it) while you are physically and mentally able to do so. It is so important to make sure things are done the way you would like them, instead of through an unsuspecting family member or friend, who could make poor decisions with your assets.

Sometimes, those chosen to make decisions, make very poor decisions; some based on greed and not putting the loved one’s wishes at the forefront. In some cases, the person chosen is just the wrong one to make these decisions; choosing wisely is half the battle. Sadly, some feel they are entitled and help themselves, or they do not communicate clearly with other heirs.

I have seen this scenario so often; it leaves me with chills every time I think about it. I have been brought into homes while mom is literally taking her last breaths. I would have declined the visit, if I had known. I have seen children steal while mom is sleeping in the next room (“She’ll never miss this.”) I have been discovered that children have showed up with moving trucks in the dark of night to take what they want, never to be heard from again. I have seen a woman steal jewelry from a dying girlfriend as she napped. Sigh …

It brings me great joy when I can bring light to dark situations. But what I can’t figure out is why people behave in this manner? How on earth can they sleep at night? I cannot imagine anyone doing such things and sleeping soundly.

My mind returns back to handling my own parents’ estate and how well my brother and I managed it. We split everything right down the middle, down to the penny, just as mom and dad wanted it to be. We loved them so much that we knew their money was first and always for their care. They were the priority and we made sure they had what they needed.

Looking back, I am glad that mom gifted some things to me while she was still living. When my father died last, I realized they had not gifted to my sibling, like mom did for me. So when dad passed, it was important that my brother have grandfather’s war medals of courage, dad’s jewelry and college ring, etc. It was only fair and that was the way we wanted it. Since our parents were no longer there, we carried on in the way they wanted us to treat each other.

For those who may be struggling with this issue, allow me to interject a powerful thought. With all the clients I have had in my career, I can assure you that the ones who

MAKE PLANS
STICK WITH THE PLAN, and
GIFT AHEAD OF TIME

fare much better than those who

DON’T PLAN
LEAVE OTHERS TO DECIDE FOR THEM, and
ANGER OTHERS.

SEIZE THIS MOMENT!

Gift to those who are special to you. If your gifts are significant, please talk with your attorney or CPA for guidance. If your gifts are sentimental, be as equitable as possible and give these items in person, so there are no questions later. This simple gesture will not only offer joy to someone you care about, but you will also simplify what has to be divided later.

Accept this advice from one who really knows!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

How to Select the Best Heirloom

January 22, 2015 | Julie Hall

This may be hard for some to believe, but when a loved one dies, the things I see are deplorable. Children, siblings, extended family, friends, and neighbors descend on the estate like flies. Seriously? A life just ended, and this is what people think about .. the stuff and the money.

In my career, I have truly seen the unthinkable; people hire me to uncover the most valuable items so they can choose those items before their siblings arrive (as I later found out). Children sneaking in the estate before the funeral, and even while the loved one was dying, to “help themselves.” I have seen neighbors or long-term friends approach the estate as if they were entitled, which makes me ill. I have seen families offer the caregiver a memento; then the caregiver uses their personal key to empty the house, literally, over the weekend, knowing the children are not there.

When did people get so calloused and mean-spirited? It is very hard to understand people’s actions. Everyone always seems to get greedy, hard feelings and resentment follow, and in the long run, no one is happy.

Here are a few helpful hints from The Estate Lady® to guide you in selecting an heirloom.

Selecting an heirloom(s) from an estate is a multi-fold process in your mind and in reality. First, think minimalist. Do not take just for the sake of taking. Remember that anything you take ultimately becomes a challenge for your children in the future. In making these decisions:

Keep in mind that selections are ruled by emotions/sentimentality/nostalgic ties to the person who just passed. Examples would be photographs, their eyeglasses, a favorite perfume … small mementos that have little value to anyone but you. NOTE: This does not mean pack up the entire estate and keep all small items. It means be prudent and hold on to smaller items that you truly cherish.
At some point, the emotional side must give way to logical consideration and reality. Separate the emotional from the realistic and see practical side.
- Will I really use it or can my sibling use it more?
- Will I have space for it?
- Is the cost to transport/ship too high to get it to my home? Don’t expect the estate to pay for shipping; arrange that on your own.
- Do I have to put it into storage? Think twice; storage gets very expensive.
Consider the condition of the item. Older items can have serious problems: insect eggs in antique rugs, items in poor condition now unusable, mold on items, odors from smoking/animals/mildew. You don’t want to bring these into your home, especially if you have allergies.

When our mom died, and my brother and I went back to their home to sort through things, I reached for this little gold tone frog with green eyes and solid perfume inside. I bought it for mom when I was 10 years old. I laughed every time I saw it, wondering why she kept it. One day I asked her. “Mom, why do you keep this silly little frog? I paid $1 for it when I was little.” She simply replied, “It always made me smile; I remember when you gave it to me.” Don’t you know I had to have that little frog?

This is how you make solid, knowledgeable selections from the estate. Not based on worth, because money means nothing. Chances are pretty good your children won’t want that 9 ft. tall Victorian secretary.

The value is in the heart and it will guide you! Turn the other cheek, be polite to each other, and put the memory of the person you lost before yourself to honor them. Friends and neighbors should step back, allow the family time to grieve, sort and make their selections first. Friends should not request anything unless the children offer it to them. If you can’t have a particular item, at least take a photograph and remember it that way.

It’s not the end of the world if you don’t get the item you want.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

You Don’t Have to Keep the Things to Remember the Love

December 11, 2014 | Julie Hall

Nearly 50 years have passed since this photo was taken. Yet I can tell you the occasion and the color of my dress, shoes, beloved teddy bear, and dad’s sunglasses. He seemed as large as life to me; every time I looked up at dad, I felt like I was staring into the sun. His hands were big, rough, and strong. Strong enough to discipline us kids when we needed it, strong enough to pick us up when we fell and guide us when we grew. When he was old and fragile, we used to walk hand in hand, his being much smaller and bony with the ravages of time, in my own strong hands that I inherited from him. We would walk and I would listen to his stories of long ago.

On this day in the photo, Dad had given me this teddy bear, my new best friend, donning 1960s style red and white pajamas. If I recall the family story, dad bought it off the back of a truck in New York City where he used to work. I didn’t care where he got it. It was a gift from him. That made it really special, even all these years later, and especially now that he’s gone.

I do not have a clear recollection of where Teddy ever ended up, whether it was to a younger cousin or given to the church yard sale, but that old bear was loved and brought me lots of joy. A special memory shared between a father and a daughter!

I struggle sometimes on the inside when my heart is hurting because of loved ones that have passed, and how much I feel their loss. They are truly missed.

Even though they are gone, their spirit – the essence of who they were – isn’t gone!

They walk with me each day in my thoughts and I hold them dear. You have relatives like that too.

We don’t need to take all their stuff after they pass and load up our own homes and lives in order to remember them. Their stuff is still just stuff.

What makes their stuff special is who owned it, who used it, who loved it, or who gave it!

There is a season for every thing. Sometimes, it’s the season to give their things to others who can really use the stuff or really need it far more than we do.

I can’t speak for any of you; this photo and the memory attached to it are a gift to only me … a snippet of a moment in my life and my father’s. I ask you, could there possibly be any tangible item more special than that?

A diamond ring will sparkle only as long as you are here to enjoy it. Money, houses, or cars can’t go with you either. But a special memory sits in the heart forever. That, my friends, is exactly what you can take with you!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

Intangible Gifts Bring Joy and Fulfillment

December 4, 2014 | Julie Hall

Things do bring instant gratification, but not long-lasting happiness. We keep buying more things to keep feeling good. Sometimes we use things to ease unresolved pain and issues. We continue to accumulate debt, but are still left unfulfilled and discontented. In the end, these things end up in the hands of family or a professional to sell them.

Want to feel fulfilled? Make a Difference!

Dress the less fortunate by sorting your clothing, shoes, etc. and donating what you don’t use. Do the same with surplus items in your food pantry.
Bust the clutter in your attics and garages. So much that you have laying around can be used by someone in need. Find the appropriate organizations and give your clutter away.
Practice the art of giving.
Refrain from unnecessary purchases for at least six months.

Time’s running out for Christmas shopping, your debt is growing, and you still don’t know what to buy for certain people on your list. What to do?

Why buy anything?

Why not give the best gift in the world — yourself?

Go visit someone you have been meaning to see for a long time. Surprise a loved one you haven’t seen for years.
Write that letter, bake those cookies.
Volunteer for those needing your help or visit shut-ins.
Make that phone call to make amends with family and friends you haven’t spoken with in years.
Bring your children to an assisted living or nursing home, and watch the residents light up. Have your children draw pictures and then visit and sing for those in shelters or facilities.
Say what you need to say, and do so right now.
Ask for forgiveness and always offer it … no matter what.
Offer hugs to those who really need it.
Make gifts for everyone on your list.
Listen to your elders because you will learn so much.

Do you have a senior on your list and you don’t know what to give them?

Spend a full day with them and ask them to share stories of your family history — fun stories, challenges, family secrets, marriages, customs — and look through old photos. Record this day and create a book for them (with copies for your family members), so it may be passed down for years to come. Many children regret not having more family history, but realize this only after the loved one has died.
Find a special photograph and frame it. Ask an elder for a secret family recipe, so it can be carried on; then make it for them.

When we think of the upcoming holidays, we also need to be counting the multitude of blessings we do have, rather than wishing for the ones we don’t have. Make it a special holiday for others, and it will come back to you, in the form of contentment and joy — both in giving and in receiving.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

Beware of Snowballing Family Lore

September 11, 2014 | Julie Hall

I would be a rich woman if I had a dollar for every time I heard a family member tell the story of an heirloom in which the story gets bigger and better with every telling. It’s like the old parable, “The fish that got away was THIS big …” and every time the story is told the fish miraculously gets bigger.

As estate professionals, we have the same challenge when discussing and valuating family heirlooms and other treasured items. I visit clients in their homes and enjoy each of them as I listen to their stories. However, I know what the values really are, regardless of the verbal family stories.

The hard part for me, and for the client, is providing proof that the following really happened:

“Did you know Abraham Lincoln sat in that chair?”
This belt buckle once belonged to Robert E. Lee.”
Our grandmother told us Teddy Roosevelt took a picture with daddy, but we don’t know where that picture is.”

We know what these items are worth on a monetary level, but you can’t place a value on sentimentality. Sentimentality is priceless. Sentimental items are what we mostly find.

Could some of these family stories actually be true? Who’s to say. Perhaps they are. But without provenance, or history of the piece, it leaves a question mark and it’s impossible to valuate. The needed proof would be, for example, a photo of Abraham Lincoln really sitting in that chair with the original upholstery, or a document that proves it was at a historic event or with a person of distinction. Without proof, we can only appraise what we see based on the characteristics or its aesthetic value. It then becomes just an “old chair.”

I look back into my experiences with all kinds of families and wonder why most people seem to exaggerate about possessions. Here’s what I came up with:

It’s their version of the truth as they see it.
To make the item more “valuable”
To accentuate the positive.
To make the mundane more exciting
To give their heirs a legacy they believe is valuable

Maybe Abraham Lincoln did sit in that chair. Or maybe he sat in one just like it, and that’s how the story got started. Someone heard what they wanted to hear and generations of tongues did the rest. It happens in every family. Remember too, that people hear what they want to hear.

The bottom line is that we professionals don’t want our clients to be disappointed when they go sell these items and the prices brought don’t match the stories behind the pieces. Very often, this is the case. Setting your expectations in neutral before the estate process gets started means we all are one step ahead.

Research professionals before you hire them, but then listen to them with an open mind. We know the items in the majority of our estates, and if we don’t, we can research them. Have faith that we handle these possessions every day and can advise you correctly and honestly.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com.

The Ring

August 21, 2014 | Julie Hall

Go ahead and get your tissue box now; I have mine on my lap as I write this. Let me tell you a beautiful story.

An 80-year-old mother knew her health was failing, but she didn’t tell her children how bad it was really getting. Her 82-year-old husband was afflicted with dementia; the disease was just starting to rear its ugly head and become too much for her to handle, seeing her beloved husband of 58 years slip away.

This mom and dad lived far away from their two children and grandchildren by choice. All of their dearest friends were in Florida, and that is where they wanted to spend their golden years together. The only problem was as the years passed, they watched all their friends get sick and pass away one by one, visiting each of them in the nursing homes and hospitals, saying their goodbyes.

Their family loved each other dearly and always remained close in heart through daily phone calls and emails, reminiscing and sending each other “remember whens.” But it was time to call in help and the children intervened, trying to get them closer geographically. Finally, mom agreed. When the middle-aged daughter went for a visit to discuss options and make decisions, the mom again showed the daughter where all their trust and other legal papers were located, to make sure the kids knew where everything could be found. How heartbreaking for the daughter to see her parents decline and become fragile, and equally hard for the mom to discuss her final wishes and personal thoughts with the daughter.

Bury me in this dress, call these people when I die, don’t spend a lot on flowers, etc…

It was a difficult day for mother and daughter; the deed was done and the day dragged long.

The mom got up and went into her bedroom and called the daughter in after her. She presented her daughter with a ring, placing it in her hand and clasping her frail, weathered hand around her daughter’s, she spoke from her failing heart:

It’s yours now. It’s time for you to keep this. I remember when you were a little girl, no more than 5 or 6, you would sneak into our bedroom, open my jewelry box, and try this ring on when you thought no one was watching. You would put it on your index finger, and it was so big for your tiny finger. I was there watching. Mothers always watch and know what’s going on with their children. You loved this bauble then, and I hope you will remember this moment after I’m gone, because I want you to have this. It isn’t worth much, but I always cherish the memory of how you would tiptoe into our room just to try it on, careful to put it back where you found it. Wear it in good health, and may God bless you always for who you are, for the woman you have become, and for what you mean to me. I love you very much and I’m so proud of you.

The daughter was speechless and choked up all at once, trying very hard to be brave, but it didn’t work. She collapsed in front of her mother, knowing the message she was giving her: that she was dying and she had made peace with it.

This story is about my mother, Anne, who died not long after that day, and I was the little girl who adored the big, purple, shiny ring. I will always cherish the ring because of the story behind it, because mom gave it to me in person, and because of the special words that went with it. Mostly, it made me realize I carry her courage inside me; I hope one day I can pass that to my daughter (the ring and the courage).

I wear this ring any time I wear purple. Each time I slip it on my finger, I think of mom handing it to me and how it fits perfectly on my finger now.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

The Dragonfly

August 7, 2014 | Julie Hall

My garden is demonstrating a last-ditch effort to produce anything fruitful due to the heat, and regrettably, a bug infestation that has taken place as well. I fought valiantly, but eventually the bugs won. A little while ago, I was in the garden picking dozens of cherry tomatoes from my amazing giant tomato plant. It is approximately 10 feet tall and draping all over the place, despite my creative stakes tall enough to support it; I should have pruned it long ago. Stooping under the graceful limbs, heavy laden with small tomatoes I couldn’t wait to gather, I caught sight of her, a huge iridescent dragonfly resting on top of a garden stake about 18 inches from my face.

I don’t really like insects at all, though I realize they are all very necessary to keep nature balanced. But she was different; minding her own business with her beautiful stained glass-looking wings shining in what was left of the day’s sunlight. I said “hello” out loud and she cocked her head towards me. When I cocked my head in the other direction, she did the same thing. If I moved forward, she moved back. If I moved back, she moved forward.

Suddenly, in this big and chaotic world of ours, I found myself totally locked in a dance with her, enjoying a “moment” nature provided for this one-person audience. For a minute, we observed one another. She must have instinctively known I meant her no harm.

What took me aback was the intelligence I experienced in a living thing so small and common that I had never noticed before. She did not demonstrate fear or wariness by my presence. She was not startled or irritated. She was simply in the moment and inquisitive. I wish I could be more like that, instead of always worrying about deadlines and self-imposed pressure.

I also wondered if the dragonfly may be resting. Maybe that was a sign for me to rest too, because my work has kept me juggling so much up in the air for the last year. I went about picking my tomatoes and cucumbers after she flew off; I was left with the very weird sensation that it would be me who missed her, and not the other way around. We really are connected to everything, and sometimes we all need to “take a moment” and learn a lesson from nature.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

The Lump

July 2, 2014 | Julie Hall

If my mother were still living, she would be aghast that I have not personally reached out to you — my friends, colleagues, and blog followers. You may know of me or know me personally, have read my writings or just started following me. But I want to make the time to say “THANK YOU” for allowing me to share pieces of my life, and for your willingness to listen and reply. It is my desire to inspire others, and in doing so, help myself to grow into the finest human I am capable of being.

Last week was a rough week. My daughter got her first job, which is wonderful news in this economy, my husband’s company is downsizing and sending jobs overseas (he’s still ok, thankfully), and me, well, I found a lump.

To some of you, that may seem incredibly personal, but sitting here in my early 50s, I really have nothing to hide and everything to share, especially if it can help others. The week was filled with “what ifs” and dread. I let my imagination run wild, and I have one incredible imagination, if I do say so myself. Then I got scared. I mean really scared, and not much spooks The Estate Lady®. I called the doctor immediately. Truth of it is, I should have taken better care of myself a long time ago.

I found myself crying in the shower, and the best I can figure, it came from guilt. Guilt because I have not taken good care of myself in years. I have not eaten well, not exercised diligently. I put on weight and am stressed out just like everyone else, still grieving the loss of my parents, etc. My imagination suddenly threw me years into the future, where I so desperately want to be a part of my daughter’s life and see grandbabies grow.

Then I prayed. I asked friends to pray for me. It brought a calm over me when I needed it most. There’s nothing easy about dealing with things that go wrong with our bodies, and medical stuff is scary. I sat and waited my turn for the mammogram and other tests with other women in a small room, and I realized that not everyone in that room would get good news. I prayed for them too.

Long story short, the news was good! It was just a lump that will stay with me the remainder of my life … a calcified thing. I got the wonderful news and my legs made it as far as my car in the parking lot when I broke into tears of great joy and heartfelt gratitude. It seemed only right to give thanks for this blessing, and to pray for those who are also living in fear or receiving less than good news.

If you know someone who is in the midst of this kind of scary experience, just be there for them and offer support. Everyone needs good friends to walk them through and keep the “what ifs” at bay.

“Taking our lumps,” unfortunately, is a part of life, but it sure is frightening on the literal side of things. On the figurative side, we carry them from injuries, past experiences, and lessons learned; we live with them emotionally, mentally, and physically. They are a part of how we become “us.”

I came home that day, and in a very uncharacteristic manner, took a selfie. I have much to smile about and I am wishing you the same!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

The Emotional Porter

June 4, 2014 | Julie Hall

When I pack for a pleasure trip, I only allow myself to bring one piece of luggage. I traveled for many years and made a habit of running for my plane in high heels and skirts (way back when). Now that I am older, I do everything in my power to lighten my load, wear sensible shoes, and give my aching back a break. I can’t wait to check my bag, sit down, and relax.

I think many of us lug around our emotional baggage on a daily basis and never bother to “check” it. Maybe we don’t know how to, or maybe we just forget, so we end up dragging it with us wherever we go. It gets rather tiring, doesn’t it?

In my business of helping clients sort through estates, after a loved one has moved to assisted living or has died, I see many children/heirs carry a lot of baggage with them, to the point of personal detriment. I realize that we are not at our personal best when these situations occur, but even after months and years of not making proper decisions, we still carry our emotional baggage wherever we go. It then becomes a monkey on our back, and we get angry and even resentful. It chokes our spirit because we don’t know how to heal it.

This emotional baggage comes from a place of not dealing with our stuff ahead of time, before the loss.

Not speaking our truth,
Not making amends,
Not having that conversation when we could have,
Not asking the questions to get the answers we want,
Not healing wounds that could have been healed.

We forget to forgive ourselves for whatever is eating at us!

Besides all that, I see clients feeling guilty and taking possessions they don’t really want. It only means we have more to carry, or more for our children to carry. Life is hard enough.

We don’t need to lug around someone else’s sentiment or prized possessions.

That was their desire, not ours.

On some deep level, we must consider it our penance to drag around this baggage, like the ghost, Jacob Marley, in “A Christmas Carol” showing Scrooge all the heavy chains he must now carry, due to the choices he made in life. It doesn’t have to be like that; release yourself!

I see many children/heirs carry a lot of baggage with them, to the point of personal detriment. Keeping too much stuff can cause divorce, tension, fighting, resentment, and anger among our still-living family. It’s just not worth it!

Some would argue that everything they kept was sentimental, but you can’t squash mom’s household of stuff into your already-full household of stuff and expect everything to be ok. There is only so much you can keep; it should never cause strife among siblings, spouses, or children.

Holding on to grandmother’s or dad’s possessions are not a mandate, not something you have to do. It’s something you want to do. Seriously edit your selections as you do. If in doubt, listen to your inner voice and pass on the item. Take a photo of it and pass it on.

Don’t be pushed, nudged, guilted, obliged, forced, or coerced by any person, any memory, any ghost, or more importantly, yourself.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com