The Permission to Let Go

May 7, 2014 | Julie Hall

For more than two decades, I have cleaned out other people’s estates and enjoyed the reward of knowing we really do make a difference in people’s lives. As complicated and contentious as the dis-assembly of a loved one’s estate can be, I have learned that the issues that arise during the process come from much more than grief or even greed.

When I am consulting with a family – usually children who are dealing with the aftermath of losing their parent(s) – I can see their very personal struggle, trying to decide what to keep and what to let go. Many deal with guilt issues and feel compelled to hold on to the items mom so dearly cherished. I can see that the children do not cherish these items; they become resentful at having to bring them home, even though they have no room for them.

What most people need is permission.

Permission to surrender, to relinquish, to let go and find a new home for these items.
Permission to accept that these are not the kind of things you may want to keep for yourself or the grandchildren.
Permission to not pass the buck to the next generation.

When you boil it all down, it seems to be the one issue the kids don’t even realize they are experiencing, until I say, “It’s ok to let go of it.” They know instinctively that I know what they are thinking. Most of the time, a look of awareness hits them, and they just say, “Thank you. I really needed to hear that. How did you know I needed someone to give me permission?”

But the “permission to let go” affects many areas of our lives, not just personal possessions.

It finally dawned on me after living on this planet for over 5 decades. Most of life seems to be about embrace, surrender, and then oddly enough, letting go. It just seems that life has been a series of fabulous blessings, ups and downs, disappointments, tremendous joys, profound sadness, frustrations, surrender, and …. when the time is right, letting go.

Letting go of your small child headed to kindergarten for the first time.
Letting them take the car keys.
Letting them go off to college.
Letting go of our own youth as time marches on.
Letting go of a loved one at the end of their life.

It is part of the cycle of life.

It takes introspection, strength, mindfulness, awareness, and while we are at it, a few thousand tears.

I’m writing this as I hear the jingle of keys. My teenager just shouted up to me, “Bye, Mom!”, jumping in the car along with her newfound freedom, a big smile, and a spring in her step. It is a bittersweet thing and an almost impossible balance: to be happy for her, on the one hand. Yet seeing the beautiful adult emerging, I know I must let go of the child in her, even though I don’t really want to. Here come a few more tears …

But even I know that all butterflies take flight when they are ready. We must also be mindful of all the letting go and sacrifices our previous relatives have done for us.

You probably know someone, if not yourself, who is in the process of letting go of something or someone. Letting go can either be a huge struggle or a freeing experience. I hope it is the latter for each of us.

Letting go. What a beautiful gift, if we can find the strength!

Julie Hall, The Estate Lady®, is the foremost national expert on personal property in estates, including liquidating, advising, and appraising. http://www.TheEstateLady.com She is also the Director of American Society of Estate Liquidators®, the national educational and resource organization for estate liquidation. http://www.aselonline.com.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Ode to the Gardener – Important Life Lessons

April 8, 2014 | Julie Hall

Not so long ago, I stood by my father’s side witnessing the ever-advancing damage of dementia. I knew deep inside that our time together was growing short from a cognitive perspective, but I never once took into consideration that he, himself, would be taken so quickly. Dad was a Master Gardener who dedicated his life to understanding the soil, composting, plant diseases and cures, etc.

Dad volunteered 20,000 hours of his senior years teaching children in elementary, middle, and high schools how to nurture and grow vegetables, how to be more self-sufficient, how to be responsible, how to be part of something bigger than yourself. He also went into prisons, as he wanted to give them a sense of hope and accomplishment. Dad was sent a gold lapel pin award from President Bush, honoring his 20,000 hours of volunteering, and he was so proud of that pin.

When dad and I were in the garden together, he used to say there was no therapy better than sticking your hands in the earth and being a part of nurturing a plant to maturity, taking a back seat to mother nature, of course. Little did I know, I would inherit his love for gardening and his green thumb as well.

There are many life lessons to be learned from gardening. Below are several listed from Adam McCane’s site, which I really like; I just tweaked them a bit for purposes of this blog.

What you water grows. This simply means that we need to pay attention to ensure we are watered throughout life. It is the most basic need we have, for without it, we would perish. So will our plants that feed us, if we don’t take care of them or the earth.
Weed regularly. Weeds are deceptive. You won’t notice them starting, but before you know it, they are choking out your veggies, stealing water and nutrients from your plants, and reproducing. The rule in the garden is simple: If you see a weed, pick it! The same is true for life. Weeds and other “undesirables” have a way of creeping in on us. We need to be mindful that we do not need any weeds in our lives, literally or figuratively. Get rid of them and don’t feel bad about it. All of us are tired of dealing with the weeds!
Sharing the harvest. It’s all about abundance, whether you are sharing veggies, flowers, time, care, love, etc. Share what you have an abundance of and pay it forward. It always finds its way back.
Plant in the right season. For everything, there is a time and purpose. Sometimes, it is beyond our understanding. I believe we reap what we sow. Maybe it’s time to plant better, more productive things in our lives. Feed your spirit by allowing only good things into your life now. If you see things rotting, infested, etc., you will need to tend to them by getting rid of them, or proactively healing them. TIme and nature will tell you which one it will be.
Space is required for growth. It’s hard to imagine how much room a vegetable is going to need when you grow it from seed or buy a seedling that is in a 5-inch pot. Sometimes they grow so fast and thick, they can choke out other plants. Giving a plant plenty of space is important for the health of the plant, so it receives plenty of sunshine and nutrients. Providing this space will ensure our plants will be healthy, productive, and have plenty of breathable space. We need to do this for ourselves and give that gift to others too.
Pruning is necessary for abundance. Cutting, pinching, or picking off dead leaves, branches, poor or weak fruit is necessary for the growth of the healthy fruit. Vineyard pruners do this every day. They know exactly how to cut the vine to promote healthy grapes. While it may look harsh to see so much being removed, it gives the healthy portions of the plant more nutrients to produce the best fruit. Sometimes, we need to look at ourselves the same way and learn how to prune ourselves by letting go of things that no longer serve our well-being and our highest good.

Dad’s old garden hat is still hanging next to mine on a hook in my laundry room. Every time I head out to the garden, Dad accompanies me in spirit. I kept his watering can, his old worn leather gloves, his t-shirts. Those things were my father and how I remember him best. I can still hear his voice guiding me in the stillness of my own vegetable patch. Much of his advice to me through life also applies to the lessons of raising a successful garden, whatever “garden” we may be cultivating at any given time.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Is There a Pot of Gold at the End of YOUR Rainbow?

March 19, 2014 | Julie Hall

Most people reading this might be quick to respond with an emphatic “No.” However, I beg to differ. I suggest we give this a little thought before we jump to that conclusion. Not all of us have the luck of the Irish, win the lottery, or find a treasure trove of buried gold coins, as in The Count of Monte Cristo. But according to a client of mine who is 101 years young, we have much more than that.

Ask Herb if he is blessed and he will say with the vigor of a 20 year old,

“My goodness, yes I am! Just look at me; I am vertical and that means it’s a good day. I have air in my lungs and the sun on my face; I’m happy because I know where I’m going after this place.”

What an inspiration!

Ask him what “success” means after living 101 years and he’ll simply say,

“Success is faithfulness. Faithfulness to your God, faithfulness to yourself and to your loved ones. It’s being faithful to your business and anything else you touch. In the end, money doesn’t matter much because you can’t take it with you. Success is making the most of what you have and using it to help others. Whether you have a lot or a little, you just live in such a way as to make a difference. You never know whose life you are going to touch.”

There you have it. I was officially given an attitude adjustment while sitting there with Herb, and now I’m passing it along to you. It’s easy to get down or stuck, especially if you listen to the news and see what’s happening to the world around us. How about listening to your heart for a change? Try volunteering at a shelter and see how some really live, or help homeless animals, or kids who are troubled, etc. Do something to make a difference, like Herb suggested.

Every day, I see people wrapped up in personal possessions: furniture, crystal, china, silver. Every day I see people fight over these things that they can’t take with them either. And sadly, every day I see people fight so viciously that they never speak to siblings again.

For what? For nothing!

Because in the end, they live with regret, and regret is a thief. A thief of your time, energy, thoughts, and your spirit. It just isn’t worth it.

Herb is right. In the end, none of this matters, except good deeds and the knowledge that you have lived each day in such a way that made a difference. That is something I believe we take with us always.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

5 Minutes

March 13, 2014 | Julie Hall

In the span of a 24 hour day, what’s 5 minutes? It’s grabbing a quick snack before you head out the door, feeding your cat, texting your best friend, or checking your email. In the grand scheme of things, it’s certainly not much. Our lives are so busy; we barely notice. But often, they are full of things that are mundane and perhaps not all that important; they simply keep us busy. That 5 minutes comes and goes without a care, never to be experienced again in quite the same way.

To some people, 5 minutes is an eternity: a soldier who sees their life flash before their eyes, a lady waiting to find out if she’s pregnant, a young child waiting for Christmas morning, or holding a loved one’s hand while they’re dying.

If you were given 5 minutes to do, or re-do, anything you wanted to, any time, anywhere, or any place, what would you do and would you do anything differently?

If I had 5 minutes, just 5 measly minutes, for a chance to do anything I wanted, I would choose to visit with my mother again. Throughout the course of our lives, she and I talked a lot about a lot. I was the last person to talk with her before she passed suddenly, and our parting words to each other, without knowing she was going to die, were simply “I love you.” But if I had that wish and just 5 minutes more, I would have told her exactly what she meant to me, how blessed I was to have known her and have her as my mother, and that I would do everything I could to live by her kind and caring example. Everyone loved Anne. She was one of the nicest people on the planet and my world lost its color the day she passed.

I would do all of this, if I had 5 minutes more with her … complete with a long and loving hug. But I don’t have any minutes with her anymore.

What’s 5 minutes to you?

Is there someone in your life right now where 5 minutes (just 5 tiny minutes) could heal your life and theirs? Take the 5 minutes I no longer have and do something really good with it.

It is a gift!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

To Honor in Death as Much as in Life

March 5, 2014 | Julie Hall

Call me old-fashioned. Call me a twentieth century throw-back. It is apparent to me each time I meet a client, pick up the latest gadget, or look in the mirror, that I came from a different time. It’s more than okay because I really liked the twentieth century, and I’m proud to have grown up at that time.

Mom and dad are gone now. Their absence is felt daily, evidenced by the huge hole in my heart and tears that well up in my eyes every time I think about how much they are missed. I am certain you can relate. I was one of the lucky ones who grew up under the strict, but loving guidance of two traditionalists.

They taught me right from wrong, disciplined me when I strayed off course, enforced curfews, taught me to prepare for what was ahead, and instilled that “this too shall pass.” They were even “realists” when it came to death. My own mother, with her fantastic sense of humor, sent me a coffin brochure, asking me if she would look better in the copper rose or the warm mahogany! It is good to laugh when you feel like crying. There’s just no way to fill a hole THAT big, so I fill it in other ways.

I want to live my life in such a way that it touches others, serves others, relieves others. I want to make a difference. Isn’t that what we all want? All we need is a little tenacity and courage to do it. Encouraging others to love and honor does not end with death. If anything, it gets magnified. Since they were proud of you (and vice versa) in life, shouldn’t that continue even after they’ve passed? Imagine living your life in such a manner, that you not only make yourself proud, but your departed loved ones too.

So too, I guide my clients through the process of dealing with their parents’ estates. Whatever decisions you make, make them in such a way that pleases you and would honor them too. Turning the other cheek is far from easy, but often necessary.

Corny? 20th century? Something out of “Leave it to Beaver” or “Father Knows Best?” You bet!

And I’m darn proud of that too!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Things That Have No Place Anymore

January 21, 2014 | Julie Hall

In every home, in every estate of a deceased loved one, there are items we have to deal with that don’t seem to have a place with us anymore. Perhaps they are no longer useful, or the sentiment has worn off. Maybe there are so many items, there’s no way you can take them all!

After the family comes in and takes what they want, and some of the items have been sold or given away, there are always leftovers that can’t find a home. Old photos and slides no one wants. Brittle college diplomas and certificates from the early twentieth century. Ancient textbooks on everything from WWI nursing to social etiquette to typewriter maintenance. Old tax returns that need to be shredded and magazines and catalogs that weigh a ton. Old TV parts, metal bits and pieces, broken appliances that are stuck up in the attic. Prescription meds, record albums, small appliances, old computer printers and fax machines.

Optimally, these items should have been dealt with a long time ago so it doesn’t put the family in a crisis mode when the time comes. Old appliances and computers can be recycled, as can the endless paper piles we find. Metal can be scrapped; $100 is better than hauling it to the trash, right? Prescription medications need to be dissolved in vinegar before flushed to neutralize the meds, or better yet, dissolve them and place them in a container with old coffee grounds or kitty litter.

These items should be disposed of properly, but it makes us feel guilty when we are throwing away things like old photos or slides. After all, who has time to go through 10,000 slides from the 1950’s?

Let me share a quick story. I used to be one who didn’t have time to go through all the family slides … until mom died. I brought the slides home and at night while watching TV, I used a little light-up viewer I bought on Ebay to see which ones we wanted to keep. I found a gold mine! Photos of dad on his ship in the Navy, mom and dad’s engagement in 1953, early baby photos of me and my brother never seen before, photos of all the kids and cousins from long ago. I had these selected slides made into prints and distributed them to family members. The thank you letters, emails, and phone calls came pouring in. It was like they each won a small lottery and were most appreciative to have these never-before-seen photos. In my case, it was worth the effort.

If family does not claim these items, or there is no family left, sadly, these items either need to be discarded, donated, shredded. And it’s okay to do that — you have permission to do that. If no one else wants them or needs them, let them go with respect.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Lessons Learned as an Expert in “Things”

January 6, 2014 | Julie Hall

Happy New Year!

As an expert in personal property, my days are filled with visiting estates, consulting with my clients, and ascertaining what has value versus what does not. I help boomer children make sound decisions after mom and dad have passed on, and work closely with seniors, helping them make a plan for their heirlooms and understanding their worth. My world revolves around many beautiful things and what they may be worth; then sadly, I watch people fight over those things after a loved one dies.

Having met with thousands of individuals in my career, I can safely say I have learned from each and every one of them. Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. We exit this world the way we enter it, owning nothing but a beautiful spirit that houses love and memories earned over a lifetime. You can’t take anything with you, so why fight over things.

2. Things do bring instant gratification, but not long-lasting happiness. So we keep buying more things to keep feeling good. Too many of us fill our lives with things to ease unresolved pain and issues. As we continue to go out and go into debt buying ourselves the latest electronic or gadget, we are still left unfulfilled and discontented. We buy to feel good. We buy because we deserve it. We buy because we are depressed. But in the long run, it ends up in the hands of family or a professional, such as myself, to sell it.

3. It‘s what you do with what you have that really counts, not what you possess. In these challenging economic times, it’s important to remember there are others dealing with greater difficulties than ourselves. Even while we tighten our purse strings, we can still give in many ways, for which others would be so grateful.

Give of yourself.
Go visit someone you’ve been meaning to see for a long time.
Write that letter.
Bake those cookies.
Volunteer for those needing help.
Visit shut-ins.
Surprise a loved one.
Make that phone call to make amends, because you and your mom haven’t spoken in years.
Bring your children to an assisted living or nursing home and watch the residents light up.
Say what you need to say, and do so right away.
Ask for forgiveness and offer it, no matter what.
Offer hugs to those who really need them.
Listen to your elders because you will learn so much.

4. If you have an older adult in your life … Spend a full day with them and ask them to share stories of your family history – fun stories, challenges, family secrets, marriages – and look through old photos. Record this day and make a book for them (and copies for each sibling) so it may be passed down for years to come. Many children regret not having more family history, but they realize this after a loved one has left us. Take a photograph of this special day and frame it.

5. Get your children involved in their own legacy. TALK, don’t text. Include older generations in activities with the younger children, if possible. It won’t do them any harm to listen to grandma’s stories and bake cookies, instead of them playing on their Xbox. Precious time is slipping away for all of us. Make the most of it by making meals and eating together, talking, sharing, and most of all, mending anything that needs mending.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Thou Shalt Not Steal

August 15, 2013 | Julie Hall

Life sure is getting harder … and weirder. Call me a twentieth century throw-back, but people and times seem to be changing fast and I don’t think it’s my imagination. Just yesterday, my husband and I were out taking a drive in the gorgeous Blue Ridge mountains enjoying the magnificent views. We had no clue where we were, other than a curvy country road. The adventure is half the fun! Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a huge yard sale and shouted to my husband to “Stop! Yard Sale!” Since being married to me, he has thrown his car into reverse more than he ever used to.

Who would have thought that all the way out there with no street signs, but plenty of goats and chickens, you would find an awesome sale with great finds and reasonable prices? My family knows when I am “shopping sales” it’s best to leave me alone because it takes great concentration to select and negotiate the great buys. I piled up a few items, greeted and exchanged conversation with the sellers, and enjoyed their company. One seller there told me she had real jewelry – if I was interested – because I looked like the honest type. Lucky to be born with a kind face, I politely accepted her invitation to see the real stuff and she hauled me up to her front porch where it was all tangled and piled in her shoe boxes. Some of the pieces were very nice.

She was only 40 but she looked much older, and I knew she had a story to tell – and tell, she did. Once the wife of a wealthy man, he was always unavailable to her, busy making his money. Her job seemed to be going out and buying jewelry. But he was also abusive to her. She escaped with her young son and her jewelry, and that was it. Now she was living in a tiny home in the middle of nowhere, where no one knew her. Her young son was by her side, as I expect he’ll be most of his life, taking care of mom. She told me she didn’t want to sell her jewelry, but that she had to. Her prices weren’t cheap, but the pieces were quality and I did purchase a handful from her. She was so appreciative.

During the sale, an older woman was wandering around the front yard. She was very sweet, like your grandma, saw the jewelry and asked to see it. When the younger woman who had been helping me turned her back, the older woman took a handful of the good gold and silver jewelry and stuffed it in her pockets and in her blouse. Someone yelled out, “Hey lady, you can’t steal that stuff. That belongs to Karen and you haven’t paid for it!” It was quite a tense moment. No one really knew what to do because no one expected a sweet older woman to steal!

Don’t get me wrong. Since the dawn of man, people have been stealing … from merchants, family, neighbors, even out of necessity. I can’t sit here and tell you I am the world’s most religious person, but I can tell you I am a person with strong moral convictions. The problem is that most people seem to have lost their own moral compass. I wonder where it all went in such a short time. I am a child of the 60’s and now it seems like that was eons ago.

I also wonder when it was that I turned into my parents. I am officially an old fogey … but at least I’m a moral one.

Ms. Faye

August 7, 2013 | Julie Hall

As with most of my clients, I have a tendency to get attached. At 94, she carried herself in a very youthful manner and looked more like a 60-year-old with manicured nails, perfectly applied makeup and gorgeous white hair that was set every few days.

She and I had grown close while working together on her downsizing move to a retirement/continuing care community. Ms. Faye turned out to be one of my biggest supporters, always making an appearance at one of my local speeches and having photos taken with me for her memory book. She had outlived everyone, including a beloved husband that she often reminisced about, but she was determined to enjoy life solo.

Uncharacteristic for a woman of her era, she made the decision to sell her estate jewelry and travel extensively, because in her words, “When you’re gone, you’re gone.”

Unusual as she was bustling with energy and always had a smile on her face, I asked her one day over lunch what her secret was. She paused for a moment to reflect and suddenly a wide smile, that matched her glowing complexion, emerged on her face. “It’s really very simple. Always look up and never look down. And always choose close friends that are younger than you because they will keep you young in spirit — the older ones die and leave you.”

There it was in a nutshell — life according to Ms. Faye. She said it with gusto through her red Estee Lauder lips. It’s difficult to forget someone like Ms. Faye. Her words were so simple but powerful, and were her secret to longevity.

Not long after our lunch together, Ms. Faye died quietly and unexpectedly during the night. While she is no longer here, I still smile every time I think about her. I think of this older woman who had lived through and seen so much, and I remember her words, “Always look up and never look down.”

I think it is important to spread stories as upbeat as this, especially when the news all around us seems all doom and gloom. Some would think it is sad that she died, but she left this earth doing what she wanted, whenever she wanted, and how she wanted it. In my eyes, not a bad passing at all. Thanks for the smiles and new mantra, Ms. Faye.

Rest in heavenly peace.

The Violin

July 9, 2013 | Julie Hall

The unexpected grandeur was almost more than I could handle. I have never felt my spirit soar quite like this, having explored the entire interior of Alaska this month. Being in the midst of such untouched beauty is exactly what the doctor ordered to renew my soul after losing so much personally last year.

Part of the trip was a luxury cruise, and like most cruises, one has a tendency to get a bit lazy eating way too much. It did not surprise me that my teenage daughter went in one direction, and hubby and I went in another. There was a small lounge on our way back to the cabin that had hourly entertainment, and it was there that my ears instantly lead me to, almost as if I had to go listen. From a distance I could hear the delicate but soulful draw of the bow against the violin, an instrument I have always had an affection for. In the wrong hands, this instrument can make your head hurt and create cringes as powerful as nails on a chalkboard. In the right hands, it will bring the listener to tears.

The group was originally from the Philippines, with one on the violin and another on classical guitar. What drew me to their sound was the perfection of what I heard, and “perfection” is not a word I use easily. Having studied classical music for most of my childhood and adolescence, I knew a pro when I heard them. The violin is a temperamental instrument, so when you found someone who could make it sing, it was always worth listening.

During their short break, the violin sat by itself on the polished black baby grand. Alone, it was a pretty thing, but it was just an inanimate object that sat there waiting for its owner. It was powerless without him. The gentleman dressed in black returned, picked up the violin, and nestled it under his chin, drawing his bow in preparation to play.

From the moment that bow met with the strings, I knew that this wooden instrument was more a part of him than his own arm. He had clearly dedicated his life to the pursuit of beautiful music and had a love affair with this violin, rarely seen. It was not a matter of commanding the violin to do what he wanted; it was a matter of letting his spirit invade it and the two becoming one. He played classics from all eras, including some easy listening, some classical, some love songs. My eyes never left his upper torso, witnessing how much love he had for the sound they created together, and how his body moved with the violin, bringing it to life. The violin was only too happy to perform.

Corny as it sounds, when he started playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I just lost it and the tears came. Never had I heard such clarity, felt such powerful emotion and admiration … on a cruise ship for that matter! His talent was wasted here in the middle of the North Pacific, or so I thought before realizing how much pleasure he brought to those who were listening.

I don’t know his name, this stranger who brought me to tears. Perhaps it was the breathtaking scenery of ice capped mountains, icebergs, and glaciers that had already touched me. what I do know is how rare it is to find someone who has dedicated themselves to one thing, in the quest of being the best they can be. Clearly, he had a calling and a gift, but we all do whether we realize it or not. The time has come to look within ourselves to uncover our gifts so that we can move forward in our lives, touching others with our gifts. I believe this is the purpose of our lives.

Whoever he is, he will never know the positive impact he had on me. I can only hope someone will discover him and get him on a stage where he can touch many more!