Live So You Make a Difference in Others’ Lives

August 29, 2011 | Julie Hall

Cleaning out estates never gets dull — I just never know what I will uncover next or what heartwarming lesson I will learn. Sometimes I am covered head to toe in grime and sweat, and other days it’s a tiptoe through a pristine mansion. But no matter what our residence may look like, at the heart of the home lies the very essence of who we are. Our possessions reveal a great deal about us as individuals.

Today, we completed the clean-out of an elderly nurse who served her entire life. She didn’t just serve in the hospital; she served her community by becoming “Miss Sue” in the neighborhood. She had been in the same home 60+ years. No matter what the community needed, she was there. Someone needed first aid in a hurry; people took them to Miss Sue. A young girl found herself in trouble; you go to Miss Sue. As six decades passed, Miss Sue saw her neighborhood change. There were juvenile delinquents, drugs in the area, other crime, etc., but everyone still went to Miss Sue for whatever they needed, and she was always happy to help.

As the last little bit of furniture was removed from Miss Sue’s home today, we were approached by numerous neighbors from all walks of life. They surely loved Miss Sue and missed her terribly. As I drove away, sweaty and tired from the hard day’s work, I thought to myself what a wonderful life Miss Sue lived. She served so many during her lifetime and really made a difference!

Mementos of Killed Marine Sold By Mistake

August 22, 2011 | Julie Hall

This was the headline in our local paper a few days ago. The young widow accidentally sold a suitcase at a yard sale that contained photos and special items that were of her late Marine husband with their children. I thought to myself, “Oh no … those photos are irreplaceable and probably gone forever.”

The article was a monumental effort across the country to appeal to anyone who might find it, as the buyers at the yard sale told the widow they would probably sell the suitcase at a flea market. To my knowledge, it has not yet been found.

A couple of things come to mind:

We feel for this woman and all she has gone/is going through, and it was most likely a simple oversight that she forgot to open the suitcase prior to selling. As a professional, I can honestly say it’s vital to leave no stone unturned. Whether you are sorting through a loved one’s belongings, or you hire a professional, everything must be gone through with a fine tooth comb. You never know what you’re going to find.
Professionals in my industry already know to sift through everything, but family might be experiencing emotions too strong to deal with it at the moment, feel as if they are in a fog for a while, or can’t quite get themselves to sort through the items in the depth they should — through no fault of their own. We understand grief and have compassion for our clients. Sometimes, an objective professional party can help the family through that, and ensure that everything has truly been sorted and gone through, so accidents like this don’t occur.

My heart goes out to this widow and her children, and I sincerely hope that whoever buys the suitcase with the precious photos of the fallen Marine and his children will find a way to get them back to their rightful owner.

When Your Box Gets Too Heavy, Drop It!

January 24, 2011 | Julie Hall

My teenage daughter has recently become my teacher, and I her student. Life has been challenging for many this past year and our family is no exception. Many of my clients have suffered illness, loss of a loved one, and financial trouble in the last year. With the new year here, we have a clean slate and a chance to un-do, re-do or make better than last year.

Lately, life has been a little weird. So much uncertainty. Turning on the TV means risking depression and anxiety just by watching 5 minutes of the news. When will it ever be like it “used to be?”

Not long ago, I had an emotional moment thinking of my father who has Alzheimer’s. It all seemed to come crashing down on me. My daughter came home from school and caught me during a mini-meltdown. I have always believed it’s okay to let children see their parents cry. We are not infallible, but we try to always be strong for them. Then one day, the tables turn and they are strong for us.

Suddenly, she looked at me with the eyes and demeanor of a grown woman. “Mom, there is no need for you to get yourself so upset. What will be, will be, and you can’t control that. Your box has gotten too heavy, so drop it.”

“What box?” I thought. She went on to further explain that the box represents our lives and all the junk inside weighing the box down is the parts of it we need to let go of. “Just drop the box, Mom. You need to be more like me. Let it go until you need it. Don’t carry it around with you. Sometimes it just gets too heavy and you can’t carry it anymore.”

And the thought occurred to me to count the blessings, not the tears. When the box gets too heavy, I am learning to drop it and deal with something more positive. Many boxes out there are getting heavier by the day. Maybe you can learn from my daughter too!

Grief Needs a Shoulder to Lean On

September 27, 2010 | Julie Hall

Let me offer some compassionate support for those who are going through grief over the loss of a parent. Having to handle all the details of a funeral and the liquidation of your parents’ estate ranks high on the lists of stressors that can wreak havoc emotionally.

You and your siblings really need a lot of shoulders to lean on during this time. This is the time to make withdrawals from your emotional bank accounts of close friends. If you are active in a church or synagogue, let your pastor or rabbi know what you’re going through, and be open to any acts of kindness from your congregation.

Grief can bring with it the symptoms of clinical depression, yet you’ll feel as if you have to be the strong one for the sake of your family. It’s not a sign of weakness to meet with a counselor and unload what’s happening during this stressful time.

With nearly every client, I’ve found myself holding the hand of an angry, heartbroken, grieving son or daughter. Many are in a very vulnerable state, feeling angry and lashing out because of all the decisions that their parents did not take care of while they were alive. Then their anger turns to guilt because their parents are no longer here, and they feel guilty because they feel angry.

You really do have to be strong and think straight as you go through your parents’ home for the last time, so take advantage of resources — personal and professional — that can help you cope with the sadness and stress.

Keep in mind: you don’t have to go through this alone. There is reliable and trustworthy help that can make this painful experience go smoothly.

The BEST Way to Preserve Your Family History

August 30, 2010 | Julie Hall

Last week, I gave you 5 suggestions for preserving family photographs. Family history doesn’t have to be just about photos. It can be your father’s war items that you have displayed in a shadow box, like I saw recently at a friend’s house. Her father’s Army photo, with his dog tags, and several other mementos looked terrific on the wall, instead of thrown in a box that won’t be seen or admired much.

Perhaps Grandma never finished the quilt she was working on, and all you have are square remnants. Why not take these to a professional and have the remnants made into pillows for your siblings? I have even seen these framed.

Of course, I still feel the BEST WAY TO PRESERVE YOUR FAMILY HISTORY is to give your elders the most spectacular gift of all: yourself and some time. Spend a Sunday every few weeks and make it a point to record or videotape them (with their permission, of course). Or, just write down everything they say: the funny stories, the family tragedies, etc. Accumulate this precious information and create your own family memory/history book, based on first hand information.

Remember, one of the biggest regrets I see is when a loved one dies and it’s too late to ask questions. Find your own unique way to preserve your family history. Take a little time with a loved one, make their day, and learn about where you came from.

5 Steps to Preserving Your Family History

August 23, 2010 | Julie Hall

I feel that many of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s neglect to ask about our heritage until our loved ones are either infirm or they pass away. What can we do now to preserve our family’s history and heritage?

While your parents are still living, and if you are blessed to still have grandparents living, start asking questions. Have them share stories and ask to go through photographs so you can play the “name that person” game. All too often, I see heirs throwing away family photos because they are unidentified. Make sure you ask your older relatives prior to memory impairment.
Choose a small amount of photos that you would like to preserve and have them professionally copied for other siblings/heirs. This is a lovely and meaningful gift to give. Some clients have made memory books for each child, complete with the “who’s who.”
If there are too many photographs to have reproduced or it is not financially feasible to do so, use your digital camera and photograph each photo. This can be put on CDs for you and for other family members. It costs very little and takes up almost no room.
Remember if you handle original photos, keep them in acid-free envelopes. Use a post-it note on the back to identify each subject in the picture, until you can create your own inventory sheet, reproduction photo, or CD.
Use this article from Kimberly Powell to help you with proper scanning procedures: http://genealogy.about.com/cs/digitalphoto/a/digital_photos.htm

Today I’ve discussed photos only, but there are many more ways to preserve your tangible family history. Do you want to know the #1 BEST idea to presrve family history? Check back next Monday!

Family Secrets

August 9, 2010 | Julie Hall

Sometimes, clearing out a family home will uncover things you never knew about a loved one. I recall one home I was called to clear out; we found written evidence that the father had an affair way back in the 1940s. This sort of information should be handled with kid gloves. The best advice is to dispose of any such thing, while you are alive, that may cause great pain to loved ones, if they should find it after you’re gone . . . because someone will find it.

As you walk through your loved one’s home, you may find evidence that one of your parents had an illicit relationship, a secret habit, a child borne out of wedlock, something illegal, etc. You may discover that your father hadn’t filed tax returns for several years, or that your mom had given up a child for adoption when she was seventeen. In other words, you may discover things about one of your parents that no one knew and that would bring embarrassment if their secret got out. What would you do?

If you discover something unsavory or unflattering about your parents or a loved one, ask yourself the following questions:

Does what I found offer absolute proof or only raise suspicions?
Would what I found be considered evidence for any unsolved crime?
If the information became public, would it implicate someone outside the family?
Does anyone else have the right to know something my mother or father wanted to be kept secret?
Will I be affected emotionally or spiritually trying to keep something secret from my siblings?
If my mother or father went to great lengths to keep this secret, should I tell it? (Think long and hard before you respond.)

The answers aren’t always clear and often there are gray areas. It is important to realize that everyone reading this will have a different opinion as to how to handle these matters. Always use your best instinct. When in doubt, seek outside counsel to help with the issue at hand.

Keep Their Memory Alive

April 26, 2010 | Julie Hall

The journey from your parents’ first signs of decline to the day their house is finally emptied may be long and difficult, filled with more stress and sorrow than you deserve. Now that the casseroles are finished, the cards are read, and the relatives have returned home, what can you do to keep their memory alive?

Here are several ways you and your family can honor your parents and enjoy them forever.

Plant a tree in their memory. One family planted a silver maple tree – mom’s favorite – at the assisted living center where she lived. It’s just a few blocks from her grave and remains a living memory of her.
Distribute cuttings from a favorite plant.
Share favorite recipes. Create a small recipe book of mom and dad’s favorite recipes and distribute to the relatives.
Keep the fishing trip alive. Harold took his two sons on a fishing trip to remote Ontario every spring. The spring after his death, those sons planned a fishing trip with their own sons and daughters. It’s now an annual tradition.
Create a memory book. Remember all those boxes of photos you found when you cleared your parents’ home? Scan them on to a computer and create a memory book to share with the family. Or, take those old home movies and transfer them to DVDs and distribute to the family.
Give a lifelong gift. Many families contribute to charities and causes in memory of their parents. You don’t have to be extremely wealthy and have a building named after you to make a difference. One family pays for an annual scholarship that allows one underprivileged child to go to YMCA camp every summer — in the name of their parents. Another family pays for the Vacation Bible School supplies at their church each year, since mom always loved to teach children.
Make a family DVD. Local video companies can document family members sharing their memories of parents.
Recreate your parents’ presence. This looks different for every family. Did Dad always smell of Old Spice aftershave lotion? Was there always Glenn Miller music playing at mom’s house when the family arrived? Create tangible reminders that can brighten a sad day or a family celebration for years to come.