older adults

What I’ve Learned as an Expert in “Things” (part 2)

| Julie Hall

I probably don’t have to tell you this, since Wal-Mart and almost every other store are playing holiday music already:  The holidays are coming soon!!

As I write this blog on what I’ve learned as an expert on “things,” I realize that these last two thoughts, promised to you last week, will revolutionize how you view this year’s holidays.  They’ll probably also save you money and frustration when holiday shopping time comes.  Please consider the following observations from this expert in “things:”

3.  It’s what you do with what you have that really counts, not what you possess.  In these tough economic times, it’s important to remember there are others dealing with greater difficulties than you.  Even while we tighten our purse strings, we can still give in many ways that others would be so grateful for.

  • Give of yourself.
  • Go visit someone you have been meaning to see for a long time.
  • Write that letter.
  • Bake those cookies.
  • Volunteer for those needing help.
  • Visit those confined to home by infirmity or sickness.
  • Surprise a loved one.
  • Make that phone call to make amends with one you haven’t spoken to for years.
  • Bring your children to an assisted living or nursing home; watch the residents light up.
  • Say what you need to say, and do so right now.
  • Ask for forgiveness and offer it, no matter what.
  • Offer hugs to those who really need it.
  • Listen to your elders because you will learn so much.

4.  If you have a senior in your life … Spend a full day with them and ask them to share stories of your family history — fun stories, challenges, family secrets, marriages.  Look through old photos.  Record this day and make a book for them (and copies for each sibling) so it may be passed down for years to come.  Many children regret not having more family history, but they realize this only after a loved one has left us.

© 2011 Julie Hall

Live So You Make a Difference in Others’ Lives

| Julie Hall

Cleaning out estates never gets dull — I just never know what I will uncover next or what heartwarming lesson I will learn.  Sometimes I am covered head to toe in grime and sweat, and other days it’s a tiptoe through a pristine mansion.  But no matter what our residence may look like, at the heart of the home lies the very essence of who we are.  Our possessions reveal a great deal about us as individuals.

Today, we completed the clean-out of an elderly nurse who served her entire life.  She didn’t just serve in the hospital; she served her community by becoming “Miss Sue” in the neighborhood.  She had been in the same home 60+ years.  No matter what the community needed, she was there.  Someone needed first aid in a hurry; people took them to Miss Sue.  A young girl found herself in trouble; you go to Miss Sue.  As six decades passed, Miss Sue saw her neighborhood change.  There were juvenile delinquents, drugs in the area, other crime, etc., but everyone still went to Miss Sue for whatever they needed, and she was always happy to help.

As the last little bit of furniture was removed from Miss Sue’s home today, we were approached by numerous neighbors from all walks of life.  They surely loved Miss Sue and missed her terribly.  As I drove away, sweaty and tired from the hard day’s work, I thought to myself what a wonderful life Miss Sue lived.  She served so many during her lifetime and really made a difference!

© 2011, The Estate Lady

A Change in Your Health Can Mean a Change in Your Will

| Julie Hall

An estimated 50% of us have a will or trust!  This is not good news!

Most people have not yet comprehended (or accepted) that dying without a will is a very costly mistake that will negatively impact all you leave behind.  It’s not just about the hassles and frustrations your heirs will go through potentially for years, but the expenses involved.  Ultimately, the state you live in will make decisions regarding your estate that will not distribute it the way you would have chosen.  In a nutshell, get it done now and leave a legacy of respect, instead of resentment.

For those who do have a will, it is important to consider any changes in mental and physical health, as these could greatly impact the outcome of someone’s wishes.  For example, let’s say mom’s healthcare power of attorney states that dad makes all decisions for mom in the event she is incapacitated, vegetative state, etc.  Suddenly dad is exhibiting odd behavior and is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which is progressing rapidly.  Can he now make sound decisions for mom?  Or, mom may not think about these details and this is the time for the children to talk with her about it.

So many Boomer children don’t know how to talk with their parents about these delicate issues, so permit me to offer some very sound advice.  It has to be done; it has to be discussed, as painful as it is.  If left “under the carpet,” no answers will be available to you should they become infirm or die.  Get the answers now, and do so with love and compassion.

Here’s one example: “Mom, we were thinking about yours and dad’s situation.  Now that dad is showing a decline in health, new decisions have to be made and documented so your wishes are fulfilled the way you would like them to be.  Dad is no longer capable of understanding complex issues, and you will need to choose a new healthcare power of attorney, so we can ensure the correct decisions will be made.  Can you please give this some thought?  Can we make an appointment with your attorney to have this changed soon?

This one example really gets you thinking.  Anytime there is a significant change in your life or a parent’s life, consider discussing ith an elder law or estate planning attorney.  Being proactive isn’t always easy or pleasant, but it can head off gut-wrenching issues that will occur at some point, especially if you have elderly loved ones.  Making sound decisions in the midst of crisis is not the optimal time to think clearly.

Lead with love, and start communicating while you can!

© 2011 Julie Hall

The Essence of Compassion

| Julie Hall

One of the most beautiful and important attributes a person can have is compassion.  Sadly, we don’t see as much of it these days as we did back in our parents’ or grandparents’ lifetime.  Call me old-fashioned, but I feel that compassion is desperately needed, both to be given as well as received every day.  Let this serve as a reminder to all who read this how very blessed we are.  We should spread those blessings wherever and however we can.

When dealing with our family members, especially through difficult times — times of change, times of illness and death, times of uncertainty — we should hold these words close to heart. 

I don’t know who wrote this, but I have used it for many years and want to pass it along to you.

The Essence of Compassion

Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong …  Because sometime in your life, you will have been all of these ….

 © 2011 Julie Hall

My Christmas gift to you

| Julie Hall

Again this year, I’ve helped people understand the necessity of preparation before death, and helped them avoid battles over stuff after death.  I have accumulated a wealth of understanding after nearly 20 years of experience handling personal property in estates.

My book, The Boomer Burden — Dealing With Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, provides practical and effective steps for liquidating and distributing your parents’ assets in a way that both honors them and promotes family harmony.

You’ve probably heard the stories:  arguments over stuff, an inheritance lost forever when parents are scammed, siblings estranged, or an adult heir taken from daily responsibilities for months while trying to empty their childhood home. 

This book is valuable for both senior adults and Boomer children.  My trustworthy counsel covers the following areas:

  • Divide your parents’ estate with peace of mind
  • Minimize fighting with siblings during the estate settlement process
  • Clear out the family home in two weeks or less
  • Identify potential items of value in the home
  • Have “that conversation” with your parents
  • Prepare your own children for the future

Amazon.com carrys my book; you can purchase it in time for your family’s holiday celebrations.  If you have a close relationship with parents and siblings, you owe it to all to keep harmony in the home after the unexpected death of a parent.  If there are difficult relationships, distance between you and your parents, an accumulation of stuff in your parents’ home, and other thorny issues, please buy a copy of this book and save yourself even more pain and struggle.

One of the most distressing, yet integral parts of estate planning and liquidation is the division of personal property; who gets what?  A vital conversation now can go a long way to prevent squabbling between the heirs after mom and dad pass away.  For peaceful resolutions and wonderful guidance, please order The Boomer Burden.  It has earned wonderful reviews, and it makes a great gift for siblings, parents, children, even clients.

This is my Christmas gift to your family: a wealth of information and valuable resources to protect the relationship, sanity, and peace among your family.  The joy of preparation for the inevitable, and the kindness of knowing that everything is in order.  Merry Christmas!

© 2010 Julie Hall

“Mom just told that same story and Dad can’t hear it anymore”

| Julie Hall

Many of us will gather with close family at Christmas and/or New Years.  You may want to observe your parents, or other close relatives, and take note of any new signs of the aging process.

Some of these signs, if occurring infrequently, are no cause for panic.  These signs could mean that your parents need to have someone check on them daily, or to consider assisted living.

  • Declining mobility
  • Vision problems
  • Loss of interest in favorite pastimes
  • Irritability
  • Hearing loss
  • Confusion
  • Repetition
  • Short-term memory loss
  • Fatigue
  • Unopened mail
  • Changes in the home environment
  • Unusual spending and/or hoarding (collecting)
  • Preoccupation with finances
  • Change in appetite or not eating well
  • Staying alone, isolation
  • Depression or anxiety
  • Bruising from stumbles or falls

What should you do if you notice any of these signs of aging in your parents?  You shouldn’t overreact, or force the issue to discussion.  You should not ignore the signs either.  Just pay attention.

1. Begin keeping a diary or log of what you notice.  By paying attention and keeping a record, you will be able to objectively determine if these behaviors are happening infrequently, or if they are getting worse and may need intervention.

2. Begin to think about the future.  No one likes to face the inevitable facts of decline and death of our parents.  Those who allow themselves to think proactively are much better prepared for the day when all they have left is their parents’ empty house.  It’s the adult children who have been in denial who really become unglued when the end finally arrives.

With family gathered, this may be a good opportunity to observe and discuss the facts together as siblings.  Go for a walk or out for coffee together.  A little investment of time when all are together may ease the challenges you’ll face later.

Whatever you observe, continue to love them and make great memories together as a family!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Places to Find Hidden Treasure

| Julie Hall

Many older people have a long-term distrust of banks and often hide their valuables in the strangest places.  If your parents are European immigrants, they have an even greater tendency to do this, and if either parent has dementia or Alzheimer’s, they likely have hidden things and forgot about them.

Many seniors hide money and valuables that often go unnoticed in the liquidation of their estates.  Here are the most common places where these valuables may exist:

  • Clothing and shoes — especially breast pockets in a man’s suit coat, under an insert in the sole of a shoe, wrapped in socks or underwear, bra cups.
  • Drapery hems — a favorite hiding place for small jewelry or coins
  • Canister sets — rare coins or jewelry in the flour or sugar canister and sometimes in cookie tins
  • Books — paper money slid between the pages of a book
  • Ice cube trays — a favorite place for small jewelry or gemstones
  • Toilet tank — another place for jewelry
  • Duct tape — money or jewelry wrapped tightly in a wadded ball
  • Picture frames — between the picture and the mat or backing material
  • Attic rafters — favorite place for coins, jewelry, and antiques

You’ll need to use some detective skills to be sure that when you liquidate their home and estate, you don’t leave anything valuable behind.

© 2010 Julie Hall

The BEST Way to Preserve Your Family History

| Julie Hall

Last week, I gave you 5 suggestions for preserving family photographs.  Family history doesn’t have to be just about photos.  It can be your father’s war items that you have displayed in a shadow box, like I saw recently at a friend’s house.  Her father’s Army photo, with his dog tags, and several other mementos looked terrific on the wall, instead of thrown in a box that won’t be seen or admired much.

Perhaps Grandma never finished the quilt she was working on, and all you have are square remnants.  Why not take these to a professional and have the remnants made into pillows for your siblings?  I have even seen these framed.

Of course, I still feel the BEST WAY TO PRESERVE YOUR FAMILY HISTORY is to give your elders the most spectacular gift of all: yourself and some time.  Spend a Sunday every few weeks and make it a point to record or videotape them (with their permission, of course).  Or, just write down everything they say: the funny stories, the family tragedies, etc.  Accumulate this precious information and create your own family memory/history book, based on first hand information.

Remember, one of the biggest regrets I see is when a loved one dies and it’s too late to ask questions.  Find your own unique way to preserve your family history.  Take a little time with a loved one, make their day, and learn about where you came from.

© 2010 Julie Hall

The Art of Procrastination

| Julie Hall

Why do some procrastinate when dealing with death, caregiving, and other challenging issues?  That is the million-dollar question!

Some of us are exceptionally good at doing things and tending to every imaginable task, like it or not.  Some of us are followers that are very good at taking direction from the doers.  Still, others are extremely skilled at procrastination and avoiding the elephant in the room, even if it must be dealt with.

In my 20 year professional quest for the answer to procrastination, I am reminded of an image we have all seen in old “spaghetti westerns”, the old cowboy pushing and cursing at his stubborn donkey to get up and go!  The same is true for our clients, relatives, and friends.  Never is it more unnerving than when you are trying to settle an estate, handle issues related to an illness or the death of a loved one, and the decision maker is — dare I say it — a procrastinator.

Why do some procrastinate? 

First, they don’t have the ability to, or simply can’t, deal with the issue at hand.  Perhaps it is too emotional, or they are just indecisive people to begin with and tackle all life’s issues in this manner.

Second, they simply don’t want to handle this issue.  Often, but not always, these personality types ill allow people who are doers to come in and take over the reins (literally).  With people like this, I always map out a plan — here’s what happens first, second, etc.  They like to know what is going on, but don’t necessarily desire to be a part of the process.

Third, why deal with it today when I don’t have to?  There’s not much I can say about this type.  I have seen many unexpected deaths in my line of work, and to me, there’s no time like the present.  Why put it off when it has to be done anyway?  Just do it!

There is no known cure for procrastination.  One would think that time and experience would teach people not to put things off.  Since the beginning of time, people have put things off because they didn’t want to think or act.  That’s why so many people perish without having even a basic will, let alone having many other vital issues discussed and planned out. 

Procrastination is a bad word.  Planning, while you are in control and have your say, is a beautiful gift to everyone around you!

“Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.”  ~~Napoleon Hill

© 2010 Julie Hall

Know the Plan

| Julie Hall

Knowledge is power.  The more facts you know about your parents’ estate plans, the less you will have to decide on your own later.  Make sure everyone in the family has talked with them about their estate planning and their final wishes.  It is imperative that you know the following:

  • Is there a will?
  • Where is the will?
  • Where is a copy of the will?
  • Is the will updated?  A will should be reviewed every 10 years or sooner.  If there is no will, enlist the help of an estate planning attorney; discuss health care issues and trusts as well.
  • Do you know who the executor is?
  • Do you know who your parents’ attorney is?
  • Do you know who your parents’ financial planner is?
  • Do you know what to do if your parents have to move to assisted living?
  • Do you know your parents’ end-of-life wishes?

Ask these questions now, and have the vital conversations as a family now, before you have to make decisions and locate valuable information in the midst of a crisis.

© 2010 Julie Hall