Bring “Oxygen” to Your Life

March 1, 2010 | Julie Hall

There never seems to be enough hours in the day. If you are a caregiver, you know this better than anyone, for your schedule is not your own. Yet, I have heard many of my elderly clients say, “You must make the time because it is important to your well-being.” Here are some suggestions I have learned along the way that might bring some “oxygen” to your life, so you can breathe again.

You’re all you’ve got! Make dates with your spouse and children to keep your sanity in check, and the bonds of relationships fresh. This is imperative, so make yourself a promise to do this.
Rest and replenish, even if you have to steal private moments in the backyard, in prayer or meditation, or just sitting.
If you are experiencing guilt, anger, jealousy, resentment, etc., seek the assistance of close friends, a counselor, your minister or rabbi. Realize that most of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Know when to seek professional help, if you become depressed, anxious, or experience feelings that are not normal.
Combat depression by finding time to engage in an activity that brings you pleasure — a walk with your children or grandchildren, writing in your journal, getting out to shop for 2 or 3 hours. Respite care is available in many communities, just so you can rest from caregiving.
Pay attention to these things: sleeping, nutrition, exercise. Eat as well as you can; snack on fruits (natural pick-me-up) and granola bars, plus plenty of water. The brain is less tired when hydrated and your organs love it too. Sleep is one of the first things we miss in stressful situations. Instead of relying on sleep aids, try listening to soothing music, curling up with a good book, and cutting down on caffeine.
If your loved one is napping, pop a yoga DVD into the TV and do some stretching; very invigorating. Better yet, if you can get away for an hour, go get a massage.
Listen to music during the day, preferably easy listening, classical, or other calming music.
Spiritual self-care: make time for reflection and spend time with nature. Stay connected to your faith-based organization, or consider joining one. Be open to inspiration that will come from others. Surround yourself with kind and loving people.

How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others

February 22, 2010 | Julie Hall

I find it hard to believe there is actually a word in the English language that could possibly describe what caregivers go through. There can’t be. What is experienced during the caregiving process is often a deep, emotional shift accompanied by confusion, frustration, even resentment for many. Somewhere along the line, one loses oneself and their individuality blurs with the needs of the loved one.

Most are caregivers out of love and affection, and others caregive because it is not financially feasible to pay for professional care. Perhaps a child has a strong desire to care for mom and dad, or possibly a sense of obligation. They will caregive for as long as they can, only to surrender when they reach a point when they can no longer offer the quality of care the loved one really needs. It make no difference what the scenario is — all have experienced the same emotional labor.

Who then will care for you, the caregiver? Ultimately the answer is you. We’ve all heard the saying: “You have to remain strong for those you care for, so please take care of yourself.” But are caregivers really taking the time to replenish their bodies, minds, and souls? If I were a betting lady, I would say no.

As a dutiful daughter myself, I would, without thought, put my parents first at every turn, and would eventually become weak in body, mind and soul. Lost somewhere between raising children and tending to fragile parents, there is a place called limbo, and we must prevent ourselves from going there by anchoring to a solid, stable place.

What I have learned along the way from my clients is that it is 100% necessary to tend to yourself. This brings with it the image of being on an airplane; the flight attendant talks about placing the oxygen over your moutn before assisting others. You do this because without you, others might perish. The strong one must get stronger (have oxygen) before helping those who aren’t strong. Place the mask over your face and “breathe.” The same is true when your feet are on the ground, and you are a caregiver.

Next week, I’ll offer some specific suggestions for bringing “oxygen” to your own life. Please come back!

8 Ways You Can Help Your Elderly Parent BEFORE Crisis

February 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

Here are 8 ways that you can be proactive and and take action now to help de-clutter your parents’ home. Do this now for their sake, and for your own sake. I can tell you from personal experience: you do not want to have to do this in “crisis mode.”

Have the important conversations with your parents. Approach them with love and ask them about their wishes. Try to gain an understanding of their financial situation. Be sure to know where all the important legal documents are kept.
Start to de-clutter your parents’ home. Since they won’t likely appreciate this, suggest that you are helping them avoid both a fire and a tripping hazard. Start by removing expired food, unused things, piles of newspapers, etc.
Discuss and document allocation of personal property and heirlooms. Create a wish list and ask an appraiser to assess the values. Suggest “gifting” of special items while your parents are still alive.
Every time you leave their house, take a few bags of donation items with you. Dress the less fortunate. Tell your parents you are helping them to “thin out” the house.
If your parents have already moved out or passed away, begin the process of clearing out the house by using three piles to sort belongings: donate, sell, keep.
When in doubt, always have a personal property appraiser evaluate antiques, collectibles, and anything you are not sure about.
Continue to keep in touch with siblings and keep everyone on the same page. This is the only way that whole family will maintain close and healthy relationships through this process.
Always come from a place of love. In the end, life is about MUCH more than the stuff. It’s about the wonderful, deep, and abiding relationships within our families.

That’s my thoughts for this week. Click on the “leave a comment” line below, and let’s discuss this together.

Letting go of your possessions is harder than you think

February 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

In the last post, I included a list of some reasons why people have a hard time letting go of their stuff. I want to continue the conversation with a couple of important suggestions from my experience as an appraiser of residential contents and estate liquidator.

First, if you are clearing out many possessions, enlist the assistance of a personal property appraiser. When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate/home appraised prior to distributing or selling contents. Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value. There are some children who feel that “everything is junk” and then discover through an appraisal that some pieces have significant value. Family stories through the years can also add to the anticipation of great-grandfather’s chair being more valuable because it is so old. Remember, age is not the only determining factor of true value.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of the heirs generally won’t take much. Their children allready have houses that are full from being married 20 years or so, and adding more will only fuel marital strife. The younger generations appear to want nothing but cash assets. Even if your children do take items, their children definitely don’t want them now and most likely will feel the same in the future. They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions, when they could take the cash they receive and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn.

Holding onto possessions for the sake of not wanting to let them go will leave a massive burden for the children/heirs. Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action!

Conversation Starters for You and Your Parents

January 25, 2010 | Julie Hall

It is never easy to talk with your parents about future issues. Here are some conversation starters that will make it more comfortable for you and your parents.

“Mom, you’ve been such a great help to me over the years. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Mom and Dad, sometimes I worry about you living all alone. Are there any things we could do to help you?”
“Dad, when Uncle Jim passed away, his family fought for weeks over things. Do you ever worry that Mike and I will be like that?”
“Ever since Mom’s stroke, I’ve been worried about your meals and things. Are you doing all right?”
“Jim and I started looking closer at our retirement account, and we’d love to pick your brain about all the things we need to know about retirement.”
“Dad, do you ever worry about Mom if she had to go it alone without you?”

Parents, listen to your children. And children, listen to your parents. This is a critical conversation for all of you, and you want to make sure you communicate well. Just like when we were kids at school, don’t be afraid to raise your hand and ask questions. Making assumptions or guessing about what the other one wants can be dangerous and lead to places you don’t want to go. Remember what your teachers used to tell you: there’s no such thing as a dumb question!

For more help on this and many other topics related to your aging parents and their stuff, please read my book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. It’s available from Amazon.com or click on the link at the right of this article.

A Spontaneous Invitation Changed My Outlook on Life

December 29, 2009 | Julie Hall

It was a spontaneous invitation from my mother to attend their senior holiday dance and party. I was out of state visiting them and I obliged her request. How much fun could it really be with everyone so advanced in years?

The club house was nothing fancy — reminiscent of a church basement or school gym, devoid of color, with few decorations. In front of the small Bingo stage sat the collapsible sound system from the hired DJ, complete with a disco ball spinning crystal dots on the walls, and a lighted 3-foot Santa next to his unit. The floor was exceptionally shiny, as if someone had spent hours buffing it to perfection for dancing.

The 40 seniors waited in line for cafeteria style dinner of roast beef, green beans, and a roll. Dessert would be homemade cakes from the neighborhood ladies, served on styrofoam plates.

During our meal, the DJ came alive, obviously loving his job. The beat from Glen Miller’s “In the Mood” was evident in my tapping feet, shoulder motions and bobbing head. Was that ME actually having fun? The fun was just beginning.

Mesmerized by the fantastic selection of 40’s and 50’s music and jazz beats, the seniors suddenly came alive. Some with canes, others with oxygen, still others afflicted with heart disease — it didn’t matter to them — they got up and started dancing like they were young again. Before my eyes, the music became their magic. Transported from 2009 back to the 1940s, the hands of time literally spun backwards to return them to their prime in life. This was their night and they proudly took ownership.

The most moving part of the evening was how they looked at each other. Couples married for 50-60 years still gazed upon each other with love and affection. I even caught a glimpse of an 80 year old man stroking his wife’s face while they danced, and I had to hold back the tears because I knew she was fighting an illness. This, I thought, was true commitment.

They had survived the Great Depression and a devastating world war. They were fiercely loyal, still loved America, and always had a strong work ethic.

For one night, for a few hours, they didn’t care about their diseases, ailments, aches, and pains. They only wanted to let their hair down and have a memorable time. There I sat, in love with each of them for the way they treated each other with smiles galore, twirling about as if today were their last day on earth.

The thought crossed my mind, as it probably did theirs, that their time is indeed limited, for some more than others. How could they dance and enjoy fellowship with such carefree smiles and attitudes? Because they love life, and offered each other the best gift anyone could possibly receive … the gift of simple joy.

I found myself deeply moved by what I saw that evening. Ours has become a world of convenience, and often inconvenience. A place where people are always asking, “What’s in it for me?” A place where we don’t see as much care and concern for each other as was in our parents’ generation. I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge visiting a strange time and place, who saw the light and understood the meaning in the few hours they allowed me to share with them.

Our seniors truly are our greatest asset and we have much to learn from them!

What to Notice About Your Parents’ Aging

December 21, 2009 | Julie Hall

Many of us will gather with close family at Christmas and/or New Years. You may want to observe your parents, or other close relatives, and take note of any new signs of the aging process.

Some of these signs, if occurring infrequently, are no cause for panic. These signs could mean that your parents need to have someone to check on them daily, or to consider assisted living.

Declining mobility
Vision problems
Loss of interest in favorite pastimes
Irritability
Hearing loss
Confusion
Repetition
Short-term memory loss
Fatigue
Unopened mail
Changes in the home environment
Unusual spending and/or hoarding (collecting)
Preoccupation with finances
Change in appetite or not eating well
Staying alone, isolation
Depression or anxiety
Bruising from stumbles or falls

What should you do if you notice any of these signs of aging in your parents? You shouldn’t overreact, or force the issue to discussion. You should not ignore the signs either. Just pay attention.

1. Begin keeping a diary or log of what you notice. By paying attention and keeping a record, you will be able to objectively determine if these behaviors are happening infrequently, or if they are getting worse and may need intervention.

2. Begin to think about the future. No one likes to face the inevitable facts of decline and death of our parents. Those who allow themselves to think proactively are much better prepared for the day when all they have left is their parents’ empty house. It’s the adult children who have been in denial who really become unglued when the end finally arrives.

With family gathered, this may be a good opportunity to observe and discuss the facts together as siblings. Go for a walk or out for coffee together. A little investment of time when all are together may ease the challenges you’ll face later.

Whatever you observe, continue to love them and make great memories together as a family!

My Christmas gift to your family

December 14, 2009 | Julie Hall

This has been a growing year for me, a chance to help people understand the necessity of preparation before death, and help avoid battles over stuff after death. I have accumulated a wealth of suggestions, gleaned from nearly 20 years of experience handling personal property in estates.

My book, The Boomer Burden — Dealing With Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, provides practical and effective steps for liquidating and distributing your parents’ assets in a way that both honors them and promotes family harmony.

You’ve probably heard the stories: arguments over stuff, an inheritance lost forever when parents are scammed, siblings estranged, or an adult heir taken from daily responsibilities for months while trying to empty their childhood home.

This book is valuable for both the senior adults and the Boomer children. My trustworthy counsel covers the following areas:

Divide your parents’ estate with peace of mind
Minimize fighting with siblings during the estate settlement process
Clear out the family home in two weeks or less
Identify potential items of value in the home
Have “that conversation” with your parents
Prepare your own children for the future

Amazon.com carrys my book; you can purchase it in time for your family’s holiday celebrations. If you have a close relationship with parents and siblings, you owe it to all to keep harmony in the home after the unexpected death of a parent. If there are difficult relationships, distance between you and your parents, an accumulation of stuff in your parents’ home, and other thorny issues, please buy a copy of this book and save yourself even more pain and struggle.

One of the most distressing, yet integral parts of estate planning and liquidation is the division of personal property; who gets what? A little talking now can go a long way to prevent squabbling between the heirs after mom and dad pass away. For peaceful resolutions and wonderful guidance, please order The Boomer Burden. It has earned wonderful reviews, and it makes a great gift for siblings, parents, children, even clients.

This is my Christmas gift to your family: a wealth of information and valuable resources to protect the relationship, sanity, and peace among your family. The joy of preparation for the inevitable, and the kindness of knowing that everything is in order. Merry Christmas!

P.S. I welcome your comments and questions, even suggested topics, at the link below this article.

A Nickel, An Orange, and Newly-Soled Shoes

December 7, 2009 | Julie Hall

Ever since I was a little girl, I have listened to stories my father told about the Great Depression. Admittedly, I only half listened because I had trouble believing the stories of trudging through 5 miles of snow to school every day. Surely, he must be exaggerating. Like any typical teenager, I dismissed him as a reminiscent parent who was living in the past.

Now my father is an old man and I am a middle aged woman. His memory is fading, and I deeply regret that I did not listen more attentively as he told the stories of his life. One, in particular, stands out.

During the Depression, “there wasn’t much of anything for anyone,” Dad always said. Dad remembers Christmas as a particularly difficult time, since there was no money for gifts. He recalls how he and his siblings would pester Grandpa for a Christmas tree. Grandpa would go out late on Christmas eve in the freezing cold, when all the good trees were gone and prices were slashed. A pathetically skinny tree, missing most of its needles, would come through the door with Grandpa. The kids didn’t mind; the tree was beautiful to them. It was decorated with whatever was in the house.

Christmas morning brought other surprises. Each child was given one of their own stockings that contained a new nickel, an orange (which was very hard to find) and their old shoes that Grandpa had resoled from scrap leather he found. Ponder the scene. Simple, meager offerings to these children, who were overjoyed by them.

Each child cherished that orange, savoring its’ juices, and took a long time to eat it. The children didn’t demand new shoes, but were very happy to have new soles to make them last “a little longer.” And, the new, shiny nickel was rarely spent — it was too pretty to blow it on anything. This was a time to be utilitarian and resourceful.

Today, we look at how far we have come and how much we have changed. While we are fortunate to have so much and to not be in a Depression, we really have no idea where our economy will take us. Anger, frustration, and fear prevail among us, just as it was back then.

What makes our parents’ generation different from ours? They simply found a way, out of necessity, to make it work. They put food on the table and kept the family together. Their thoughts would never be on flat screen TVs, new cars, and Blackberries or Wii systems, even if they had them back then. They simply did without. And they survived to tell us about it.

So when you are opening your gifts this holiday season, imagine an old tattered stocking, filled with a nickel, an orange, and newly-soled shoes. Simplicity is a beautiful thing!

The Lady Who Wouldn’t Let Go

November 10, 2009 | Julie Hall

Joanne was in her mid-seventies, and her daughter knew mom just couldn’t take care of a house over 4,000 square feet on over an acre of land. Joanne had to have a home that large to house all of her possessions. She needed to downsize and move to Assisted Living, but she was giving her daughter a very difficult time about the move.

The daughter made an appointment for me to come over and educate them in the estate sale process. Her exact words: “Mom’s got 4,000 square feet full of stuff, junk and everything else, and it’s time to sell it all so she can fit into her new place.” To complicate the matter, the house had already sold!

Throughout the conversation at Joanne’s house, I had a familiar feeling that I had to share. I addressed the daughter who had asked me to come: “I would be happy to assist you in selling the remainder of this estate, but I have a funny feeling mom will not part with anything.”

Joanne looked over at me and gave me a “cat ate the canary” grin; I knew she was up to something. The daughter insisted that all of the possessions had to go. Still, I persisted as gracefully as I knew how. “I think your mom might have other plans for it, don’t you, Joanne?” Again, I received the same grin, but she sat silent, as if this was punishing her daughter for trying to make the right decision.

The daughter became increasingly disturbed, and I was caught in the middle. “Mom, what is going on?” Still, no reply from her mother. Once more, I put on my gentle voice and stuck my neck out. “I’d be willing to guess mom has other plans for her possessions. Something like storage.” Mom’s face was simply beaming. I had hit the nail on the head!

The daughter’s face grew dark like an impending storm, and demanded to know what nonsense mom was up to. Finally, it came out. “Julie’s right. I’ve already reserved four extra large storage units. I’m not giving it away, or selling it. It’s mine. No one can have it but me!”

The lady who wouldn’t let go ended up moving and placing everything in storage, to the tune of over $7,000 per year.

Moral: You can’t take it with you, no matter how hard you try!

The Estate Lady

older adults