Mom Refuses to Create a Will

May 24, 2010 | Julie Hall

Thanks to another reader for this excellent question.

Q: My mother refuses to have a Last Will and Testament drawn up. She doesn’t want to hear about the ramifications that would be present if she died without a will. It hurts me to think she will not take care of this matter. How can I get her to listen?

A: You are certainly not alone in your concerns for your mother. For each of us, facing our own mortality can never be a pleasant thing. Yet preparing a will and other legal documents is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our loved ones. When you prepare a will, you assure that things are done according to your wishes when you pass away.

I recommend that you contact an attorney or paralegal. While I am not one, I can share with you many situations where I am brought into an estate where the individual died intestate (without a will). What a complete nightmare! I wouldn’t wish that horrible mess on anyone, let alone my loved ones.

The attorneys/state get deeply involved, creditors hassle the family, family members are in a constant state of unrest, and any money from the estate often goes right out the door, instead of going to loved ones. It is grueling and time consuming, not to mention distressing and miserable! When you don’t have a will, you doom your heirs to potentially years spent closing your estate. Why would you knowingly do that?

We go to great lengths to preserve our heirlooms and other personal property. Since we can’t take them with us when we pass away, doesn’t it make sense to make preparations for all that you worked hard for in your lifetime, and protect that with a will or trust and other legal paperwork? It makes sense to me!

Announcing my new book!

May 17, 2010 | Julie Hall

“A Boomer’s Guide to Cleaning Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less” is finally ready! It is currently available as an e-book which you can download and print out (http://www.booksonboard.com/index.php?BODY=viewbook&BOOK=686132). Within the next two weeks, it will be available in print also. I’ll include an update here on my blog when it has been released in print.

More than a “How-To” guide, A Boomer’s Step-by-Step Guide to Cleaning Out Your Parents’ House in 30 Days or Less is a “What To Do, When, and Why” take-along manual packed with meticulously compiled checklists, resources, and information. You are given logical, easy-to-follow steps so that you can literally clean out your parents’ house in less than 30 days. Best of all, you are given advice from a nationally acclaimed expert who has “seen it all” on how to do this for your own peace of mind and keep everyone’s best interests at heart.

Separate sections of this book cover practical checklists and resources to use when your parents are living and still in their home, when one or both parents are in failing health, and when parents have died and the estate remains. This book includes many worksheets, checklists, and forms you will need to effectively handle cleaning out your parents’ home. I want you to tuck this guide in your pocketbook or briefcase and use it throughout the process: my wisdom and experience at your fingertips.

Those of you who have read my first book, or read this blog for very long, know that I want to educate you. That’s my goal! There is a lack of information out there that handles cleaning out an estate, or dividing the estate contents equitably and without fighting. I want to create helpful and very practical guides that cut through to the essentials, and give you all the tools to educate yourself and then do the task effectively.

Is it Time to Make a Change?

April 19, 2010 | Julie Hall

Whether due to unsettling financial crisis or a “blessed event” in your family, it may be time to change your will. How long has it been since you reviewed your will? There’s no time like the present to find your will and review your decisions and circumstances related to your final wishes.

You can change or update a will at any time. An amendment to the will is referred to as a codicil. I recommend you consult an attorney when you change a will as some changes are considered minor, and some may require a completely new will.

Here are some reasons for updating a will:

The family changes due to a birth, adoption, marriage, divorce, or death.
Major changes occur in the amount of property owned.
Tax laws change (federal and state).
Residence changes from one state to another.
The executor or guardian can no longer serve.
You decide – for any reason – to change the distribution of your property.

Remember, you must be careful to match the beneficiaries in your will to your other financial assets as well.

Two more important reminders:

Keep the original will in a safe place such as a fireproof lock box or a bank safe deposit box.
Make sure the family knows where the will is kept. I recommend that all members of the immediate family know where the will is kept, as a precaution. The executor should have a copy of the will, or know where it is kept and have a key to access the will immediately, if needed.

If you have taken my advice and created a master list of your valuable possessions, their estimated or appraised value, and who you have chosen to receive each item, keep that master list with the original will. Be sure that the executor and the immediate family have a copy of the list.

Why You Should Never Keep Things in the Attic

April 12, 2010 | Julie Hall

After cleaning out estates for almost 20 years, my assistant and I have a saying I’d like to share: “People shouldn’t put stuff in attics. They’re young when they put it up there, and when they finally think about cleaning it out, they are too old.” Somewhat comical, it holds a ring of truth as well. I’ve seen so many attics in my lifetime; I can predict with 98% accuracy what’s up there and the position it is placed in!

It’s pretty amazing to consider that the majority of people you know have full attics. What’s even more amazing is that 90% of what is in the attic is no longer usable; it can’t even be donated anymore because it has passed its’ expiration date! Some people store clothing, floral arrangements, cardboard boxes they think they will use again, lawn furniture, electronics that for whatever reason no longer performed well, or they were broken altogether. So I must ask the question, “If they didn’t work then, why were they stored in the attic for 40 years?” Why weren’t they just discarded to begin with? Herein lies one difference between the generations.

The younger Boomers, Generation X and Y, do not want clutter or anything that is considered garbage laying around the house. It simply doesn’t belong there if it can’t be used or enjoyed.

Your attic is a breeding ground for critters: furry, slithery, creepy-crawly, and little un-named things in the dark that gnaw and poop, often at the same time. Clothing get eaten or rot, any kind of plastic will become brittle, dolls’ faces decompose, quilts disintegrate, old trains rust, furs fall apart, cardboard flakes in your hands, and old electronics that were obsolete then are still obsolete.

Let’s not forget the smell!! You know the smell I am referring to — that mildewy, mold-like stench that refuses to dissipate and only irritates your respiratory system from the moment you step into the attic.

I believe the original intent of attics was simply to hold things like luggage and some Christmas decorations. But if the hundreds, maybe thousands of attics I have stepped into are any indication, we treat them as another home that simply holds things we are too tired to deal with. So we keep stuffing it up there, where no one goes to look. You know the old saying: “Out of sight, out of mind.” That might be so … until you pass away and your loved ones need to empty it in the midst of grieving.

Use the Estate Lady’s rule of thumb: If you haven’t used it, haven’t seen it, or had no need for it in 6 – 12 months, let go of it! It will only be a burden to someone else one day!

Why No One Wants Grandma’s China

March 22, 2010 | Julie Hall

Have you seen the prices of china services lately, outside the retail market? What a nosedive! China services, from my perspective, are low and heading lower. Several reasons explain this.

Too much supply, not enough demand. Our Depression Era mothers who loved their china are sadly passing away. This will flood the market with a huge supply.
Our Boomer generation already have their china services and don’t have the space to take more, because we have too much already.
The Boomer’s children, Generation X and Y, have no interest in it whatsoever. They simply do not want grandmother’s “old stuff.”
Generation X and Y want to visit IKEA and buy an everyday set in their colors, and when they tire of the color, go buy another set in a year. Why? They come in great colors and are affordable.

So as you can see, we have a definite downward turn in the market. There are some very fine porcelain manufacturers in the world and some of them are extraordinarily and beautiful. There will always be some people in the world who will pay exceptionally well for a china service, because they feel it is heirloom quality. The question is: will they want it? And will they ever get the $$$$ back out of it. The majority of the time, the answer is no.

Are there some clients who are grossly disappointed by this? Oh, yes! My elderly female clients are aware the grandchildren don’t want these things. They have confided in me that they wish the grandchildren did, because the china was so important to them and their generation. People change, and times change!

Rarely do we entertain anymore, let alone cook. Most women will tell you they do not desire that cooking and cleaning overload, after a tiring week at work. Remember that our mothers generally did not work out of the home. Today’s woman is a professional multi-tasker, part of the sandwich generation, works full time, travels, raises kids, care-gives for older parents, and is absolutely exhausted!!

If today’s woman can’t put it in the dishwasher, she doesn’t want to use it. Our mothers washed it all by hand, and with pride!

These are my thoughts on why china, like Hummel figurines, is almost a thing of the past. The young girls are simply not interested.

Conversation Starters for You and Your Parents

January 25, 2010 | Julie Hall

It is never easy to talk with your parents about future issues. Here are some conversation starters that will make it more comfortable for you and your parents.

“Mom, you’ve been such a great help to me over the years. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Mom and Dad, sometimes I worry about you living all alone. Are there any things we could do to help you?”
“Dad, when Uncle Jim passed away, his family fought for weeks over things. Do you ever worry that Mike and I will be like that?”
“Ever since Mom’s stroke, I’ve been worried about your meals and things. Are you doing all right?”
“Jim and I started looking closer at our retirement account, and we’d love to pick your brain about all the things we need to know about retirement.”
“Dad, do you ever worry about Mom if she had to go it alone without you?”

Parents, listen to your children. And children, listen to your parents. This is a critical conversation for all of you, and you want to make sure you communicate well. Just like when we were kids at school, don’t be afraid to raise your hand and ask questions. Making assumptions or guessing about what the other one wants can be dangerous and lead to places you don’t want to go. Remember what your teachers used to tell you: there’s no such thing as a dumb question!

For more help on this and many other topics related to your aging parents and their stuff, please read my book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. It’s available from Amazon.com or click on the link at the right of this article.

King Solomon’s Approach: Will It Work for Dividing Estate Contents?

January 11, 2010 | Julie Hall

King Solomon was known for his wisdom and ability to make sound decisions. The most famous incident happened when two women came to him with a baby each woman claimed as her own. Solomon’s response was literally to divide the baby so that each woman could have half. This decision did not seem to bother the first woman, but the second woman begged the King to give the baby to the first woman, so the baby could live. Solomon then knew the second woman was the real mother and granted her the child. Will this approach work for families when they are in the midst of grief and making difficult decisions regarding their parents’ possessions?

The “divide and conquer” method is used most often, without knowing the values of estate items. Resentments and rivalries can and will stem from this method. One heir will feel that he or she got gypped. Heirs often begin the process of breaking down the estate and dividing the contents prematurely. First, know what you have and understand its current market value by hiring a personal property appraiser. Second, not all possessions can be divided, so Plan B must be ready to go.

Try to divide possessions equitably. But what if there is one item, say a $7,000 grandfather clock, that 5 children each want to have? As a personal property expert, I have seen two viable options work best.

First, when parents are still living, they should make the decision of who gets the clock. Let all heirs know what is your decision. To minimize some of the upset, if financially feasible, offer cash assets or other physical assets in the appraised amount of the clock to the other heirs. This decision may ruffle feathers, but you may have just prevented a lifelong rift between your children.

If you can’t bear the thought of choosing one heir for the clock, my suggestion might surprise you. Sell the clock and split the proceeds among your heirs. It is equitable, and no one has “the prize”, but all have equal cash assets.

We spend a lifetime collecting and caring for our favorite possessions. Shouldn’t we take the time to make a sound plan for passing them on to heirs? No material possession is worth ripping the family apart!

My Christmas gift to your family

December 14, 2009 | Julie Hall

This has been a growing year for me, a chance to help people understand the necessity of preparation before death, and help avoid battles over stuff after death. I have accumulated a wealth of suggestions, gleaned from nearly 20 years of experience handling personal property in estates.

My book, The Boomer Burden — Dealing With Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, provides practical and effective steps for liquidating and distributing your parents’ assets in a way that both honors them and promotes family harmony.

You’ve probably heard the stories: arguments over stuff, an inheritance lost forever when parents are scammed, siblings estranged, or an adult heir taken from daily responsibilities for months while trying to empty their childhood home.

This book is valuable for both the senior adults and the Boomer children. My trustworthy counsel covers the following areas:

Divide your parents’ estate with peace of mind
Minimize fighting with siblings during the estate settlement process
Clear out the family home in two weeks or less
Identify potential items of value in the home
Have “that conversation” with your parents
Prepare your own children for the future

Amazon.com carrys my book; you can purchase it in time for your family’s holiday celebrations. If you have a close relationship with parents and siblings, you owe it to all to keep harmony in the home after the unexpected death of a parent. If there are difficult relationships, distance between you and your parents, an accumulation of stuff in your parents’ home, and other thorny issues, please buy a copy of this book and save yourself even more pain and struggle.

One of the most distressing, yet integral parts of estate planning and liquidation is the division of personal property; who gets what? A little talking now can go a long way to prevent squabbling between the heirs after mom and dad pass away. For peaceful resolutions and wonderful guidance, please order The Boomer Burden. It has earned wonderful reviews, and it makes a great gift for siblings, parents, children, even clients.

This is my Christmas gift to your family: a wealth of information and valuable resources to protect the relationship, sanity, and peace among your family. The joy of preparation for the inevitable, and the kindness of knowing that everything is in order. Merry Christmas!

P.S. I welcome your comments and questions, even suggested topics, at the link below this article.

The Risk of Procrastination

November 30, 2009 | Julie Hall

“When the boat reaches midstream, it is too late to mend the leaks.” — A Chinese proverb

Mary was 96 years old and had a lovely 3 bedroom home filled with antiques passed down from previous generations. With great pride, Mary had done everything right with these heirlooms. She left all items in their original good condition (never refinished or restored them), knew all the history of each piece, kept them out of direct sunlight and away from heat vents, never placed them in the attic.

But Mary made a huge error along the way: she procrastinated making an estate plan for her assets and preparing for her own death. In fact, Mary didn’t even have a legal will.

I remember meeting Mary about 6 months prior to her passing. Her two children were present, and everyone wanted to know the values of Mary’s lovely possessions. The children hoped that my visit would convince Mary of her urgent need to prepare a will, so her wishes would be known and fulfilled after her death. At length, I spoke with Mary about the importance of preparing all her wishes for her children. I even offered the name and number of an estate attorney who would be willing to come to her home.

I made the assumption that at 96, Mary had accepted her advanced age and her close proximity to death. However, Mary had a great deal of difficulty accepting her mortality. “I do not need a will. I have written my wishes for my children on a piece of notebook paper, and that is good enough. If it isn’t good enough, then my kids will just have to fight over it.”

The children looked at me and grimaced. They knew the complications that awaited them if mom did not get legal assistance to prepare her last wishes and plans. These complications can be years of red tape, tremendous financial pressures to settle the estate, etc. This is simply not fair to do to children!

What happened with Mary’s estate? No one ever found her handwritten will, and it became a nightmare for the family. It became a litany of “Mom said I could have this” or “No, she promised that to me.”

Mary’s reasons for procrastination will never be known by any of us. Some are afraid of even talking about death. We shouldn’t be; it is a certainty. The older generation seems to be parted into three groups: Those that are completely prepared, those who won’t even discuss it, and leave it all on their children’s shoulders, and those that simply sit on it for years and procrastinate on the inevitable. For those in the last two groups, life will be most difficult for your children or heirs, upon your demise.

For trustworthy advice on these issues and much more, please click on the right side of my blog at “The Boomer Burden” and order my book.

Leaving a Legacy of Love

November 23, 2009 | Julie Hall

Anne and Bill are a wonderful example of parents being prepared. Both are in their mid-seventies, in relatively good health, have two children, several grandchildren, and are geographically remote from their family. They knew that if, or when, something happens to them, their children would have to journey to get there and assist. Wanting to make life easier for their kids, they decided to make sure their children understood their wishes.

This couple has been married 52 years, very hard working middle class, who saved a great deal of their money, invested it, and wanted their assets protected. When it came time to downsize their home to move into a smaller one, they de-cluttered their home, sold most of their belongings, and lived comfortably on what they needed. Anne no longer has a need for all the silver plate, china, etc. and preferred the space to the clutter.

They hired a financial advisor to assist them with decisions, an estate planning attorney to create a revocable trust, and told their children that everything is in writing and gave them each a copy. The trust clearly states who is the executor, and who is the health care power of attorney. Both children were clear on their part of the responsibility. It was very difficult for their children to listen to what their parents’ last wishes were. Yet, they knew they owed that to their parents.

Each child has a file containing all the vital information of their parents’ estate and guidelines within, even down to funeral arrangements, music to be played, and how many death certificates to order. This file remains in their file cabinets, hopefully for many years to come, but is easily accessible if (and when) the fateful phone call comes.

Do you see the ease with which the children have already been prepared, thanks to this wonderful set of parents? For parents to give this much thought into their own mortality cannot be easy from anyone’s perspective. Their actions toward their children were kind, generous, accepting, and loving. Their only wish was to ease their children’s burdens, when they were in the midst of grief, estate dissolution, selling the home, travel, etc.

These are two very fortunate children to have everything spelled out for them when a time of crisis occurs. I should know, as Anne and Bill are my parents! Thanks, Mom and Dad, for loving us that much!