Dead Men Tell No Tales, But Their Possessions Do

July 25, 2014 | Julie Hall

One thing I have learned from cleaning out estates all these years is that many people have “skeletons” that need to be dealt with prior to their passing.

In the land of the forgotten (attics, boxes in the back of the closet, locked trunks, hidden in barns or sheds, etc), we find things I can’t even talk about because I will get very sad. I do my best to let go, or tuck these things away somewhere in a spare brain compartment, hoping not to think of them too often.

It is not unusual to find love letters, adoption papers for a child that never knew they were adopted, or evidence of an extramarital affair. On occasion though, we find things like suicide notes, drug abuse issues, different levels of pornography … some so bizarre it challenges my understanding of humans. In once case very long ago, we even found pedophile material up in the attic after he died. These things had to be from the 1940s or 1950s, but it still leaves a mark of sadness upon one’s soul.

We see the dark portals in people’s lives after they leave. We will never have a clear understanding of why these people did what they did, made certain decisions, or why on earth they would ever leave those secrets behind to be found. I think to myself how fortunate it was that my company was the one who found those items, instead of a family member who may be traumatized for the rest of their life. It is my cross to carry … discretion and protection.

Uncovering these secrets casts a shadow which can change your feelings about the person who has died, not to mention seriously tarnishes their personal legacy.

Some things need to be told to the family

and some secrets need to go to the grave with the deceased loved one.

Remember: The dead cannot defend themselves or their actions.

It is difficult to write these things. I am choosing to use these challenging illustrations for the greater good, in hopes that we can learn to better prepare for our own estates. Think about the many different facets of an estate and how complex it can be. We must not only think about ourselves and what we desire, but we must think about those we leave behind and what they may find.

TIP OF THE WEEK: Be forewarned. Clean your home and clean your life! Take it from one who knows.

Julie Hall, The Estate Lady®, is the foremost national expert on personal property in estates, including liquidating, advising, and appraising. http://www.TheEstateLady.com She is also the Director of American Society of Estate Liquidators®, the national educational and resource organization for estate liquidation. http://www.aselonline.com.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

The Lump

July 2, 2014 | Julie Hall

If my mother were still living, she would be aghast that I have not personally reached out to you — my friends, colleagues, and blog followers. You may know of me or know me personally, have read my writings or just started following me. But I want to make the time to say “THANK YOU” for allowing me to share pieces of my life, and for your willingness to listen and reply. It is my desire to inspire others, and in doing so, help myself to grow into the finest human I am capable of being.

Last week was a rough week. My daughter got her first job, which is wonderful news in this economy, my husband’s company is downsizing and sending jobs overseas (he’s still ok, thankfully), and me, well, I found a lump.

To some of you, that may seem incredibly personal, but sitting here in my early 50s, I really have nothing to hide and everything to share, especially if it can help others. The week was filled with “what ifs” and dread. I let my imagination run wild, and I have one incredible imagination, if I do say so myself. Then I got scared. I mean really scared, and not much spooks The Estate Lady®. I called the doctor immediately. Truth of it is, I should have taken better care of myself a long time ago.

I found myself crying in the shower, and the best I can figure, it came from guilt. Guilt because I have not taken good care of myself in years. I have not eaten well, not exercised diligently. I put on weight and am stressed out just like everyone else, still grieving the loss of my parents, etc. My imagination suddenly threw me years into the future, where I so desperately want to be a part of my daughter’s life and see grandbabies grow.

Then I prayed. I asked friends to pray for me. It brought a calm over me when I needed it most. There’s nothing easy about dealing with things that go wrong with our bodies, and medical stuff is scary. I sat and waited my turn for the mammogram and other tests with other women in a small room, and I realized that not everyone in that room would get good news. I prayed for them too.

Long story short, the news was good! It was just a lump that will stay with me the remainder of my life … a calcified thing. I got the wonderful news and my legs made it as far as my car in the parking lot when I broke into tears of great joy and heartfelt gratitude. It seemed only right to give thanks for this blessing, and to pray for those who are also living in fear or receiving less than good news.

If you know someone who is in the midst of this kind of scary experience, just be there for them and offer support. Everyone needs good friends to walk them through and keep the “what ifs” at bay.

“Taking our lumps,” unfortunately, is a part of life, but it sure is frightening on the literal side of things. On the figurative side, we carry them from injuries, past experiences, and lessons learned; we live with them emotionally, mentally, and physically. They are a part of how we become “us.”

I came home that day, and in a very uncharacteristic manner, took a selfie. I have much to smile about and I am wishing you the same!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Close Encounters of the Creepy Kind

June 25, 2014 | Julie Hall

From ancient times to the present, snakes have been looked at with disgust, as a harbinger of bad luck. Indiana Jones certainly showed his repulsion for snakes from the very beginning. We all know the trouble the serpent caused Adam and Eve.

Everyone always wants to kill snakes, when in reality, they just want to be left alone and can be very helpful to the environment. The snake is really quite incredible, though I must admit I have no love lost for them, as undoubtedly my neighbors testify to my shrieks from several streets away when they slither across my path.

Did you know scientific studies have been conducted to demonstrate that a part of our brain and consciousness senses a snake before we visually see it? Thank God for that!

I’m researching snakes because in the last two days, two large black snakes have crossed my path. Both were large. One was a black Carolina racer (the constrictor kind) and the other a harmless black snake who glided past my garden door and into the woods with gentle, nudging spray from my garden hose (after the neighbors heard the shriek, of course).

A long time ago, I shared a story about a client of mine who lived symbiotically with a 7 ft. black snake named “Frank.” She loved Frank and let him go anywhere he wanted in her house, because he took care of the rodents and other undesirables. Then she added that Frank was far less trouble than her ex-husband and far more pleasant!

Here are some interesting facts about snakes I didn’t know:

Only about 20% are poisonous. (That’s a good thing, right?)
Snakes do not live in Antarctica, Iceland, or New Zealand. (I start looking for real estate there shortly.)
Snakes have no ears but feel vibrations. (I wonder if the vibrations from my spontaneous operatic high “C” had any effect on it?)
Snakes are very helpful. The small ones often eat harmful bugs and insects. The big ones eat rats, mice, gophers, and animals that destroy crops. Good farmers and gardeners know how helpful most snakes are, and are happy to have them around. All snakes, except those that threaten people, should be kept safe from harm. They are part of the chain of living things, as we are! (Thanks to TeacherVision.com for this information.)
In certain parts of the world, they can be as tiny as a toothpick or as long as 33 feet, and weigh 320 pounds. (Eee-gads)
Some snakes can live up to 30 years.
The ancient Greeks and Romans believed snakes to be healers. To this day, two entwined snakes are on the medical Caduceus.
Native Americans and other cultures believe snakes can bring transformation and healing. They also believe they are protectors.

After seeing this, I managed to put my shovel down and watch in wonder as this large snake balanced on its tail. If he was trying to get my attention, he succeeded. Instead of killing him, which I really didn’t want to do, I gently used my 6 ft. long tomato pole to gently guide him away from my back door! He left in no great hurry, as if to say, “OK crazy pole lady, just let me explore and snooze in the sun for a while, eh? I won’t bother you if you won’t bother me.”

And what thanks did I get? I found another snake today, who also slithered right beside me and left me completely alone. I offered him the very same courtesy, after jumping several feet in the air.

Snakes are everywhere this time of year. Think twice before killing them because many species are beneficial!

TIP FOR THE DAY: Be careful if cleaning out an estate, attics, garages, outdoor barns and sheds, etc. Be especially careful if reaching under piles of stuff in these environments. Always wear blue jeans, boots, and heavy gloves!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

The Permission to Let Go

May 7, 2014 | Julie Hall

For more than two decades, I have cleaned out other people’s estates and enjoyed the reward of knowing we really do make a difference in people’s lives. As complicated and contentious as the dis-assembly of a loved one’s estate can be, I have learned that the issues that arise during the process come from much more than grief or even greed.

When I am consulting with a family – usually children who are dealing with the aftermath of losing their parent(s) – I can see their very personal struggle, trying to decide what to keep and what to let go. Many deal with guilt issues and feel compelled to hold on to the items mom so dearly cherished. I can see that the children do not cherish these items; they become resentful at having to bring them home, even though they have no room for them.

What most people need is permission.

Permission to surrender, to relinquish, to let go and find a new home for these items.
Permission to accept that these are not the kind of things you may want to keep for yourself or the grandchildren.
Permission to not pass the buck to the next generation.

When you boil it all down, it seems to be the one issue the kids don’t even realize they are experiencing, until I say, “It’s ok to let go of it.” They know instinctively that I know what they are thinking. Most of the time, a look of awareness hits them, and they just say, “Thank you. I really needed to hear that. How did you know I needed someone to give me permission?”

But the “permission to let go” affects many areas of our lives, not just personal possessions.

It finally dawned on me after living on this planet for over 5 decades. Most of life seems to be about embrace, surrender, and then oddly enough, letting go. It just seems that life has been a series of fabulous blessings, ups and downs, disappointments, tremendous joys, profound sadness, frustrations, surrender, and …. when the time is right, letting go.

Letting go of your small child headed to kindergarten for the first time.
Letting them take the car keys.
Letting them go off to college.
Letting go of our own youth as time marches on.
Letting go of a loved one at the end of their life.

It is part of the cycle of life.

It takes introspection, strength, mindfulness, awareness, and while we are at it, a few thousand tears.

I’m writing this as I hear the jingle of keys. My teenager just shouted up to me, “Bye, Mom!”, jumping in the car along with her newfound freedom, a big smile, and a spring in her step. It is a bittersweet thing and an almost impossible balance: to be happy for her, on the one hand. Yet seeing the beautiful adult emerging, I know I must let go of the child in her, even though I don’t really want to. Here come a few more tears …

But even I know that all butterflies take flight when they are ready. We must also be mindful of all the letting go and sacrifices our previous relatives have done for us.

You probably know someone, if not yourself, who is in the process of letting go of something or someone. Letting go can either be a huge struggle or a freeing experience. I hope it is the latter for each of us.

Letting go. What a beautiful gift, if we can find the strength!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

“Promise Me …”

April 22, 2014 | Julie Hall

(A powerful blog for those with parents who have not yet planned ahead)

An elderly mother says to her son, “Promise me you will never put me in a nursing home. It’s so depressing. Promise me you will never do that.”

The middle-aged son says:

Promise me that you will make plans now, so I won’t have to later under duress.

Promise me that we will discuss this now, instead of at a time when it is either too late, or I will have to make excruciating decisions in a crisis mode.

Promise me that you will give this much thought.

Promise me that you will love us both enough to do this now, so I know YOUR wishes and they can be fulfilled as closely as possible. Research assisted living facilities. Research home health organizations. Have a plan in place we can both use.

Share your plan WITH me.

Promise me all of these things, so I can live the remainder of my life, knowing I honored you the best way that I could, knowing we had full and open communications, knowing we talked about the “what if’s.”

And lastly, promise me that you will never ask me again to promise you what you just asked of me. For without any direction or guidance from you, I will be guessing, and guessing is not what you want me to do with your life hanging in the balance. I don’t want to guess either, wondering if I’ve made the right decisions.

Guessing will only lay guilt at my feet and weigh heavily upon my shoulders.

If/when a crisis occurs, I will not be thinking straight. I will not be myself. I will not fully understand the ramifications of my decisions. I will be stunned and emotional. I will look and act like a zombie going through the motions. I will be confused and overwhelmed by medical staff saying things I don’t understand, and family members questioning my every move. Promise me you won’t do that to me.

By thinking about this now and deciding on what YOU want, we can put a plan together so there is no guessing. Saying “I love you” isn’t enough sometimes. Doing all of these things and preparing for that day ahead of time is a gift of pure love.

I will cherish and honor you for this gift, both now, as well as in my future. Thank you for protecting my soul, mom, dad. Thank you for loving me that much!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

“Buster”

February 18, 2014 | Julie Hall

If you are squeamish about critters, cleaning out an estate is just not recommended. Just as we inhabit a home, our little friends (furry and 8-leggers) inhabit right along with us. We just don’t think about it, because we don’t see them. An occasional spider and other insects are normal, and believe it or not, little field mice are near in proximity too, unless you have a cat. I’ve even had a client who lived symbiotically with a huge black snake she named “Frank,” because Frank took care of all the little mice in and around the house. The client went so far as to explain that “Frank” was a far better companion to her former husband because Frank never was in a bad mood, complained, or hogged the remote!

Handling as many estates as I do, we have become accustomed to dealing with our little friends. We find them too often and, most of the time, they want nothing to do with us and just go away. We prefer it this way! But I have to tell you about my experience with a mouse.

My assistant, who has been with me over a decade, was opening boxes in the attic of a 1930s estate. Together we were up there sorting through what could be saved or sold, and bagging up what was clearly garbage. When boxes have been up there as long as these had been, everything becomes brittle and starts to disintegrate in your hands. She held up an old Xerox box with the lid open to show me there were old mason jars inside and nothing else.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw pink fluffy stuff (which turned out to be insulation material), shredded pieces of newspaper, and small bits of fabric formed in what looked like a bowl. Just as I started to tell her that it looked like a mouse nest, and to be careful, the biggest mouse I ever saw climbed up, balanced itself on the rim of the box, and attempted to stare me down! She was very big around the middle, and clearly we had disturbed her soon-to-be birthing place.

In a split second, with neither myself or my assistant freaking out, the mouse leaped from the edge of the box, with the grace of Greg Louganis dismounting a diving board. I had never seen such speed and agility.

It all happened so fast there was no time to shriek or freak. The mouse flew through the air like the man on a flying trapeze, landed with a small thud on my bust, and had the audacity to use my chest as a trampoline for her final dismount. As soon as she hit the ground, she was gone. Not even a bow did she take. Just a dirty look and who could blame her?

As with all strange things we find in estates, we had to give her a name. There could be no better name than “Buster.” To this day, we affectionately recall Buster and Frank, and the variety of other critters that cross our paths, making each new estate experience far from boring.

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

Don’t Let Parents Leave Without This!

September 27, 2013 | Julie Hall

It always puts a smile on my face when people email me to let me know they enjoy my writings. Sometimes I get great advice too. I heard from Mary, a lovely lady who works as a nurse in an Alzheimer’s Assisted Living facility. She enjoyed my book of checklists, “How to Clean Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less,” and thought of a few more things to add to the book.

How to Clean Out Your Parent’s Estate

She lived through this process with middle-aged children and elderly parents, and she knows what may be needed. Here are her recommendations:

A copy of a marriage certificate is necessary for most insurance policies.
Be sure you have on hand a birth certificate. If you don’t have it, order a couple of original copies from the state where they were born.
Documents for a cemetery plot or Neptune Society plans
Military discharge paperwork for burial in a veteran’s cemetery, or even to implement veteran’s benefits for medications or financial benefits toward long-term care. EXCELLENT POINT!
Has your loved one pre-chosen or pre-paid funeral home expenses? People die unexpectedly and often the family has no clue what was prepaid, where to bury them, or what their wishes were (cremation, laid to rest). As you may recall, both of my parents died rapidly. Thank goodness, we had all of their paperwork, including dad’s veteran papers.
Copies of will/trust and living will. Whether they do or do not want a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), it has to be documented and you will need copies if you are suddenly faced with making life or death decisions. Dying without a will or in debt is not a good idea.
Medication disposal: Please dispose of medications in a lidded glass jar with coffee grounds or cat litter, and soap and water. Dissolve medication in that jar and then throw away. You can also contact your local pharmacy for their drug “take-back” program. Mary reminds me that many meds, like chemo drugs, can be especially toxic.

Thank you for these words of wisdom!

No part of The Estate Lady® blogs, whole or partial, may be used without Julie Hall’s written consent. Email her at Julie@TheEstateLady.com

When a Change in Health Prompts a Change in Your Will

July 24, 2013 | Julie Hall

An estimated 50% of us have a will or trust! This is not good news!

Most people have not yet comprehended (or accepted) that dying without a will is a very costly mistake that will negatively impact all you leave behind. It’s not just about the hassles and frustrations your heirs will go through potentially for years, but the expenses involved. Ultimately, the state you live in will make decisions regarding your estate that will not distribute it the way you would have chosen. In a nutshell, get it done now and leave a legacy of respect, instead of resentment.

For those who do have a will, it is important to consider any changes in mental and physical health, as these could greatly impact the outcome of someone’s wishes. For example, let’s say mom’s healthcare power of attorney states that dad makes all decisions for mom in the event she is incapacitated, vegetative state, etc. Suddenly dad is exhibiting odd behavior and is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which is progressing rapidly. Can he now make sound decisions for mom? Or, mom may not think about these details and this is the time for the children to talk with her about it.

So many Boomer children don’t know how to talk with their parents about these delicate issues, so permit me to offer some very sound advice. It has to be done; it has to be discussed, as painful as it is. If left “under the carpet,” no answers will be available to you should they become infirm or die. Get the answers now, and do so with love and compassion.

Here’s one example: “Mom, we were thinking about yours and dad’s situation. Now that dad is showing a decline in health, new decisions have to be made and documented so your wishes are fulfilled the way you would like them to be. Dad is no longer capable of understanding complex issues, and you will need to choose a new healthcare power of attorney, so we can ensure the correct decisions will be made. Can you please give this some thought? Can we make an appointment with your attorney to have this changed soon?

This one example really gets you thinking. Anytime there is a significant change in your life or a parent’s life, consider discussing with an elder law or estate planning attorney. Being proactive isn’t always easy or pleasant, but it can head off gut-wrenching issues that will occur at some point, especially if you have elderly loved ones. Making sound decisions in the midst of crisis is not the optimal time to think clearly.

Lead with love, and start communicating while you can!

6 Practical Ways to Help Your Parents This Summer

June 26, 2013 | Julie Hall

Spending time visiting your parents this summer? Here are 6 practical ways that you can assist your elderly parents.

Help your parents protect all their assets. Know all the professionals they work with, i.e. CPA, financial planner, attorney, etc.
Know the location of all their important documents. If the documents are in a locked cabinet or fireproof storage, know where the keys are kept.
Have the important conversations with them about their wishes for the future, who will be their executor, healthcare power of attorney, and discuss distribution of the heirlooms and personal property.
You can’t take it with you! If they are able, suggest to your parents that they write a master list of who should get what, and give the document to the executor. Or, they can ask each child what they would like to have, and put that on a “wish list”. A document cuts down on the “he said-she said” that often goes on when settling an estate.
Start de-cluttering and thinning out your parents’ home now. Often children are overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff” in their Depression Era parents’ home. This is a good way to begin the process of cleaning out, so you won’t have to do it all at once later. Make sure you have their permission.
Always come from a place of love. You will have several difficult conversations and awkward moments when asking your parents these questions. Always approach them with love. For example, “Mom, we are very worried about you and would like to have a talk about what you would like for your future. Sue and I would like to honor your wishes, but first, we need to know what those wishes are.”

For more practical tips and compassionate advice, read my best-selling book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. Check the right side of my blog for a link to order my books.

Getting Your Affairs in Order is Not Just for the Elderly

June 17, 2013 | Julie Hall

In years gone by, I can recall that the majority of my clients were the elderly looking for help downsizing. Somewhere around 2003, that all changed and the calls coming into my office were coming from children looking for help handling their parents’ estates after they passed away or help cleaning out their estates.

Today, things have shifted once again. While I still work with the elderly occasionally, and certainly work with the boomer children who are the majority of my business, I see an ever-increasing (and hair-raising) trend of hearing from younger children whose parents have died unexpectedly in their 50s and 60s.

We all seem to be programmed that infirmity and death only occur in old age. Sadly, this is not the case. Perhaps it is wishful thinking on our part, or not wanting to think about it at all. But in my work, I am seeing more and more of my deceased clients are eerily close to my own age, and I never thought of myself as being old. I find myself thinking about my clients, and what they are going through, because most of their parents don’t take the time to plan ahead, especially when they are still relatively young. This throws the grieving children into more of a tail-spin because they may not have had “The Talk.”

Many children do not know what their parents’ final wishes are, nor how the estate is to be divided. They don’t even know if the parents have a Will or Trust. These are HUGE issues that weigh heavily on those left behind.

Estate Lady Tips:

Don’t do that to your children or beneficiaries. You are mortal and a plan has to be shared with loved ones. While you may not want to discuss this, you will feel much better after you do, and your children will thank you for it. They will be especially grateful when the time comes, realizing the care you took ahead of time to make their lives easier. Make an appointment to have a Will/Trust drawn up this week.
Don’t die in debt. This is a horrid situation. Suffice it to say you create a nightmare for those dealing with your estate.
Ask for an addendum to your Will so you can assign who gets what. Better yet, give it away while you are still living so there is less to fight about after you are gone.
Start clearing out your home now, even if you are young. Don’t let it accumulate or it will snowball on you. gain control of the house (and the piles of stuff we all have) and start clearing out. Once a month, drop off items to a charity, or arrange for them to come to the house for a pick up. Have yard sales for a little extra spending money. If you haven’t seen it or used it in a year, let it go.
Talk to your spouse and children about what you want. Both of my parents died without much warning. It’s a good thing they told us what they wanted and had the legal documents to back up their wishes. When the time came (and it did when I least expected it), I knew exactly what to do. I can still hear mom telling me, “Dad and I don’t want you to go through any more than you have to, because you will be going through enough when the time comes. We want to make this as easy as possible on you, and we have made these decisions ahead of time to remove additional stress placed on you.” This was music to my ears, not fully understanding the massive impact until I had to make a life and death decision for one of them. I still can’t believe how much love they had for us.

These are not easy things to do. Doing them sooner, rather than later, will change the way you think about these issues and make it much easier for you and your family in the future. Take it from one who sees this trouble everyday.

Resources from the Estate Lady:

To really learn how to clean out an estate, as a hobby or business, I have created a Professional Estate Clean Out course: http://www.aselonline.com/professional_estate_clean_outs.html
My practical, solutions-based, no-nonsense guide for equitable distribution: http://www.amazon.com/Divide-Familys-Heirlooms-Peacefully-Sensibly/dp/0984419128/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371476056&sr=8-1&keywords=How+to+divide+your+parents+estate