Clean Out an Estate and Care for the Environment

March 26, 2012 | Julie Hall

Q: While I’m cleaning out an estate, how can I also “go green” for the environment?

A: Thank you for this excellent question.

Donating, recycling, and selling are less expensive than a dumpster and may provide cash for your unwanted items. They may also provide a tax deduction or help out a worthy cause. Use your imagination when deciding where things could go, other than black trash bags! Can someone use your items in some form or fashion? This is the ultimate in recycling.

Remember the following when cleaning out estates:

Have the neighbors in for free household chemicals, garden/yard tools, etc.
Create a donation network by discussing what you have to give.
Keep watch for charity drives in your community.
Web search for places to sell or donate items.
Gazelle.com, venjuvo.com, techforward.com and myboneyard.com all offer varying amounts of compensation for electronics.
Mygreenelectronics.com tells you where to find nearby recycling centers for electronics.
Paper, cardboard, and scrap metal are commodities that are traded. Find a buyer in your local phone book.
Scrap metal and other household metals, photo frames, etc. are wanted by artists, or can be sold for scrap.
Charities are in a funding crisis; paper, books, games and toys help daycares, senior centers and after-school programs. Give them a call; they are happy to give you a wish list.
Alzheimer’s facilities are always looking for clean linens, towels, etc.
Many religious organizations/groups set up homes for refugees, domestic abuse victims, pregnant women, disabled adults, etc. They need many everyday items that you need to dispose.
Inventory the home before buying materials. Garbage bags, boxes, and cleaning supplies are normally already in the house.
Worn sheets and towels, leashes and pet bowls are very much needed by local pet shelters.
Remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure!

Do your part to help!

“Would Anyone Like Some Hot Chocolate?”

December 19, 2011 | Julie Hall

It was all I could think to say with a weary smile on my face. The tension was thick as I sat in the middle of a nasty fight between three heirs, all feeling threatened, all feeling they were just in their opinions, all throwing insults and trying to out-jab the other. After seeing a box of hot chocolate in the kitchen, I removed myself from the boxing ring and made hot chocolate for the four of us. I had never done anything like that before. Something moved me to do it.

As I served the hot chocolate without saying a word, the heirs stopped bickering, fell silent and just watched, wondering “What is that Estate Lady doing?” I calmly said, “Bet you didn’t think The Estate Lady was going to serve you hot chocolate today, did you? That’s not really part of my job description!”

The distraction worked as everyone chuckled and it disarmed the situation long enough for me to explain why everyone was so upset. Once I was able to mediate, it all went very smoothly, each having a clearer understanding of why the upset broke out in the first place, often caused by their own misperceptions.

As we each sipped the hot chocolate, it seemed to bring us back to frosty childhood days, bundled up so tight we couldn’t move. Maybe it was the flavor of the chocolate, maybe it was the smell or the warmth as it traveled into our bodies to take the chill off.

Sometimes, you just need to take a little break, sit back, and sip a little hot chocolate. It did wonders for us!

The Hawk

December 5, 2011 | Julie Hall

I sat in the car at the parking lot of the assisted living where we just placed Dad, and was feeling very alone one wintry morning last week. With the heat on full blast and tissues in hand, I said a prayer in the car to take away some of the tears and difficult changes my family has gone through lately. After wiping my eyes, I looked up and saw her.

There she stood at the very top of a large, leafless maple tree with the morning fog and the chill of winter all around her. She was the very definition of strength and majesty, looking as if she owned the universe. But there was a fragility about her too. In her solitude, she surveyed her surroundings with confidence, but I am sure even a bird of prey has doubts. After all, she didn’t know where her next meal was coming from. I felt sorry for her that she was all alone, not fully understanding that is their nature.

I started to see a parallel between myself and the hawk. It happens to all of us as we walk through life. We find ourselves lonely at times and our lives feeling barren due to certain circumstances. For me, it was my mother’s recent passing and placing Dad in assisted living. For the majority of us, this is the ebb and flow of things, and we have good times and not so good times. If we are wise, we grow with these circumstances so we can be an example to those around us, especially our children and grandchildren.

This hawk reminded me that there are times we have to walk this journey solo in order for us to have a more meaningful understanding of life, grow strong, remain strong, and just keep looking for the good in what comes next. As I put my car in reverse, the hawk suddenly swooped down and was victorious in finding her next meal. Patience and the passage of time paid off. We just need to remember that.

The Band-Aid Analogy

October 3, 2011 | Julie Hall

Sometimes you just don’t want to do what lies ahead of you. The little angel on your right shoulder says you have to do it, and the little devil sitting on your left shoulder tells you to blow it off and forget about it.

This internal tug-of-war happens to each of us every day whether we are consciously aware of it or not. But when it keeps nagging at you and occupies your every thought, it’s time for action.

Think of the simplicity of the Band-Aid. You cover up one of life’s little boo-boos and keep on going. Eventually, you have to take that sticky thing off and naturally it’s fastened permanently to your arm hairs. You know it’s going to hurt. Maybe if you just ignore it, it will go away? Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You must face it head on.

Now you have two choices with that Band-Aid:

1. Grab hold of the end and rip it off super fast so the pain only lasts a short while, or

2. Slowly and painfully peel it back, taking every arm hair with it.

What kind of personality do you have? Deal with it quickly and relatively painlessly, or do it slowly, methodically, and deal with the pain?

People can be like Band-Aids. When dealing with estate settlement, very often these two personality types will have to intermingle, and sometimes without much success.

Try to be as amiable as possible and reach a compromise. No matter which way you look at it, it’s painful, but going through it with someone else who understands and is willing to work together as teammates somehow makes it flow easier.

Make a Plan for the Ashes

August 15, 2011 | Julie Hall

Several years ago, I was preparing for an estate sale and found cremated remains in the bottom of a china hutch. They were handed to the son, who promptly tossed them under the kitchen sink right in front of me. Yes, you read that correctly. The ashes were tossed in with the Comet, Cascade, rags, and Brillo pads. I was aghast! How could anyone do such a thing?

I called the attorney’s office to report this horrible act and offered something above and beyond my call of duty. I offered to appropriately scatter the ashes in a beautiful place and say a prayer for this deceased person.

Today, years after the fact, I received a call asking me to handle the remains because no one else will. It is a strange thought: here I am, a perfect stranger to the decedent, yet I care more about him than his own family. I know there are laws concerning this and I will do my due diligence to appropriately handle this out-of-the-ordinary mission that has landed in my lap. Surely a family member would care enough to tend to this need? Sadly, not one of them does care.

This should be a reminder to us all that when a loved one is cremated (including our beloved pets), plans must be made in advance for their final resting place. What if the one who has the ashes in their possession dies and no one in the family knows what to do with them? This is especially important in blended families. It’s not something we think about often, but a plan will ensure that the proper procedure will be followed when the time comes.

How to Behave As an Heir

June 20, 2011 | Julie Hall

Recently, I did a podcast for Moving Forward Matters in Ottawa, Canada. Here’s the link to my 10 minute discussion on Estate Etiquette.

http://www.movingforwardmatters.com/2011/06/08/estate-etiquette-know-what-to-do/

Here are several suggestions for how to behave as an heir in the estate of your parent or close loved one.

Sit down and say what’s on your mind. Beating around the bush confuses everyone. Confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. My father always said that the day after a thunderstorm is usually clean, bright, and beautiful. It clears the air and so does a confrontation that is more about sharing than finger pointing.
It’s vital to do everything you can to keep the peace. To avoid heartache and resentment, do your best to take the “high road.” It feels good to do so, though it’s not always easy.
Validate the other person’s feelings if they share them with you. At least, listen. Repeat what they said to you so they feel you heard them. Both should agree to simply do the best you can to smooth it over somehow. A photo of Mom and Dad sitting in front of you wouldn’t hurt. After all, this is about honoring them and not about the heirs.
Encourage others to be a part of the healing process, if they would like to be. It is not about taking sides. It is about encouraging both parties to do what they can to heal the hurt. Always remain objective and try very hard to see the other side.

Dividing heirlooms can be one of the most contentious experiences of our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles. But, you can learn to put them out when they are smoldering, instead of when they grow into a full-blown forest fire.

A Change in Your Health Can Mean a Change in Your Will

May 23, 2011 | Julie Hall

An estimated 50% of us have a will or trust! This is not good news!

Most people have not yet comprehended (or accepted) that dying without a will is a very costly mistake that will negatively impact all you leave behind. It’s not just about the hassles and frustrations your heirs will go through potentially for years, but the expenses involved. Ultimately, the state you live in will make decisions regarding your estate that will not distribute it the way you would have chosen. In a nutshell, get it done now and leave a legacy of respect, instead of resentment.

For those who do have a will, it is important to consider any changes in mental and physical health, as these could greatly impact the outcome of someone’s wishes. For example, let’s say mom’s healthcare power of attorney states that dad makes all decisions for mom in the event she is incapacitated, vegetative state, etc. Suddenly dad is exhibiting odd behavior and is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which is progressing rapidly. Can he now make sound decisions for mom? Or, mom may not think about these details and this is the time for the children to talk with her about it.

So many Boomer children don’t know how to talk with their parents about these delicate issues, so permit me to offer some very sound advice. It has to be done; it has to be discussed, as painful as it is. If left “under the carpet,” no answers will be available to you should they become infirm or die. Get the answers now, and do so with love and compassion.

Here’s one example: “Mom, we were thinking about yours and dad’s situation. Now that dad is showing a decline in health, new decisions have to be made and documented so your wishes are fulfilled the way you would like them to be. Dad is no longer capable of understanding complex issues, and you will need to choose a new healthcare power of attorney, so we can ensure the correct decisions will be made. Can you please give this some thought? Can we make an appointment with your attorney to have this changed soon?

This one example really gets you thinking. Anytime there is a significant change in your life or a parent’s life, consider discussing ith an elder law or estate planning attorney. Being proactive isn’t always easy or pleasant, but it can head off gut-wrenching issues that will occur at some point, especially if you have elderly loved ones. Making sound decisions in the midst of crisis is not the optimal time to think clearly.

Lead with love, and start communicating while you can!

“Are Co-Executors a Good Idea?”

May 16, 2011 | Julie Hall

Q: I have two grown daughters who get along well, and treat me with great care and respect. Now that my husband has passed away, I need to update my will. I am considering both my daughters to be co-executors. Is this a good idea or not, Julie? What do you suggest?

A. Have you ever noticed that there are those who are very good at making decisions and those who couldn’t make a decision if their life depended on it? While these are two extreme examples, everyone is somewhere between those two extremes – a mixed bag of opinions, emotions, thoughts, feelings, theories, etc. You never know what you’re going to get when you add different moods and personalities to the mix.

Even when you know someone very well, the tide can easily turn when one is grieving and handling an estate, which is a very stressful situation. The slow and steady brother suddenly rears up and causes strife which you did not expect. The quiet, reclusive sister becomes the chronic complainer to the point of estrangement. Another sister is refusing to move out of the home, causing major financial problems for the family. Finally, the long-lost baby brother no one has heard from in years surfaces, demanding his share.

One executor is difficult enough, for they can never make everyone happy and are always the target. Having co-executors is not often recommended by legal professionals for these reasons: differences of opinion, geographically remote from the location of the estate, one can easily cause trouble, the other can drag out the sale of the estate against the family’s wishes. You name it and I’ve seen it!

I think many people choose co-executors because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. In the end after they leave this earth, the hurt, pain, and grief that their decision has caused can be unbearable.

Bottom line: Think long and hard before assigning co-executors. It may be best to assign this role to someone who is completely objective, rather than either of your daughters.

Downsizing = Daunting

April 17, 2011 | Julie Hall

“Daunting” is a good word to describe the downsizing process, and many questions and problems will arise during the process. Selling household contents and clearing out a home after a loved one becomes infirm or passes away brings about great emotions which further complicate the process.

Consider it a labyrinth of issues — whichever way you go, there are even more questions and things to worry about. There are many “unprofessional professionals” waiting in the wings to take advantage, so you must carefully choose the best professional to assist you. The more knowledge you can amass, the better equipped you will be to make sound decisions and feel good about them.

Talk to different professionals: auctions, estate liquidators, consignment companies, to gather facts and see what each one can offer you. Find out if they will come to your home and look at the items to be sold, what their percentage is, whether they charge a fee to pick those items up, can they provide references, do they work by contract (you want a contract!). Remember too, to contact your local Better Business Bureau to make sure they have no unresolved complaints against them.

Ask around. Talk to friends, colleagues, your attorney. Most of all, find a professional you feel comfortable with and feel you can trust. If your gut instinct tells you the fit is not right, listen to that instinct and continue searching for another professional.

Next week: A guide to hiring an estate liquidator

In the meantime, check out my book “How to Clean Out Your Parents’ Estate in 30 Days or Less” for so much more on this process. See the link to the book at the right of this blog.

Life is Like a Track Meet

April 11, 2011 | Julie Hall

As a middle-aged adult, those junior high kids have a way of making it look easy. I honestly don’t remember having that kind of energy, but I know we all did.

Attending my teenager’s track meets, I find myself in awe of the high jumpers and the hurdlers. Observing them, in all their youth and vigor, I could see that it takes even a young athlete great effort to get up and over that bar and those hurdles. There is a rhythm in their approach, a method to the madness that the spectator marvels at. Tremendous coordination of body, mind, and spirit must synchronize to successfully clear those hurdles. Leaping into mid-air, up and over an obstacle you cannot see at the last moment requires forethought, guts, and faith that they will achieve their goal.

Watching each of them focus on the task at hand and seeing the power of their “take-offs,” the sound of their pounding feet on the track, and the grunts from overexertion, I see sensory proof of their efforts, victories, and momentary defeats. Life is very much like a track meet.

These are among the great lessons that teach us our lives are a series of hurdles and high jumps. Regardless of age, we are often reminded that we too have our own obstacles and fearful moments. It takes courage and faith to overcome them, or at least face them. We too will fall and get hurt many times in life, but we must get up and keep going, just like these kids.

Every time I have problems getting motivated, or even days when I realize I am having a pity party for myself, I think of those thundering flashes of feet on the track. Those kids are scared and vulnerable when they step on that track for all to see, but it’s the champion inside us that keeps us moving forward and over those hurdles.