A Word About Blended Families

May 3, 2010 | Julie Hall

Today, I’m answering a question from a reader.

Q: We have a blended family with grown children that are my husband’s, mine, and ours together. We are long retired, the children are grown, and we know it is time to make some serious decisions about our estate and division of heirlooms. For years, two of our children have been bickering over one piece in particular. Naturally we want to be fair, but I think our biggest concern is if one of the children gets an heirloom that doesn’t really belong to them because they are not from that side of the family. How can we handle this delicately?

A: About 40% of my clients have challenges with their blended family and personal property distribution. Here are a few basic guidelines; stick with these.

Though children grow into adults, they still need our guidance. At this stage, it is vital that you provide your children with precise directions for the time of your death. Offer your children your last wishes, documents regarding heirlooms, Last Will and Testament, Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, etc. An attorney can help you prepare these documents, which are absolutely necessary.

As for heirlooms, engage in a frank discussion with your husband first. Pull out a notepad and write down all of your decisions regarding all of your children and what you think each one should have. Remember, if you do this for one child, you must do it for all of them. It might be wise to enlist the help of an appraiser/personal property expert to help you ascertain the values of these possessions to keep the distribution financially equivalent for each child.

Keep a spreadsheet naming each child, then list the heirlooms that belong to each “bloodline”. Next, call a family meeting with you, your husband, and your children only — No spouses of the children should be present. It is best to do this in person, otherwise, make individual phone calls. Share with your children your wishes and that you have documented who gets what and their current monetary values.

Make sure each child gets a copy of this document and make it very clear that there will be no feuding because these are your wishes and decisions.

Many clients leave it at that, which I do not recommend. My suggestion is to arrange the transfer of that heirloom to the children while you are alive. This way, fewer “mistakes” can happen after your death, and you will know everyone got everything you wanted them to have. Peace of mind is a beautiful thing!

Keep Their Memory Alive

April 26, 2010 | Julie Hall

The journey from your parents’ first signs of decline to the day their house is finally emptied may be long and difficult, filled with more stress and sorrow than you deserve. Now that the casseroles are finished, the cards are read, and the relatives have returned home, what can you do to keep their memory alive?

Here are several ways you and your family can honor your parents and enjoy them forever.

Plant a tree in their memory. One family planted a silver maple tree – mom’s favorite – at the assisted living center where she lived. It’s just a few blocks from her grave and remains a living memory of her.
Distribute cuttings from a favorite plant.
Share favorite recipes. Create a small recipe book of mom and dad’s favorite recipes and distribute to the relatives.
Keep the fishing trip alive. Harold took his two sons on a fishing trip to remote Ontario every spring. The spring after his death, those sons planned a fishing trip with their own sons and daughters. It’s now an annual tradition.
Create a memory book. Remember all those boxes of photos you found when you cleared your parents’ home? Scan them on to a computer and create a memory book to share with the family. Or, take those old home movies and transfer them to DVDs and distribute to the family.
Give a lifelong gift. Many families contribute to charities and causes in memory of their parents. You don’t have to be extremely wealthy and have a building named after you to make a difference. One family pays for an annual scholarship that allows one underprivileged child to go to YMCA camp every summer — in the name of their parents. Another family pays for the Vacation Bible School supplies at their church each year, since mom always loved to teach children.
Make a family DVD. Local video companies can document family members sharing their memories of parents.
Recreate your parents’ presence. This looks different for every family. Did Dad always smell of Old Spice aftershave lotion? Was there always Glenn Miller music playing at mom’s house when the family arrived? Create tangible reminders that can brighten a sad day or a family celebration for years to come.

Is it Time to Make a Change?

April 19, 2010 | Julie Hall

Whether due to unsettling financial crisis or a “blessed event” in your family, it may be time to change your will. How long has it been since you reviewed your will? There’s no time like the present to find your will and review your decisions and circumstances related to your final wishes.

You can change or update a will at any time. An amendment to the will is referred to as a codicil. I recommend you consult an attorney when you change a will as some changes are considered minor, and some may require a completely new will.

Here are some reasons for updating a will:

The family changes due to a birth, adoption, marriage, divorce, or death.
Major changes occur in the amount of property owned.
Tax laws change (federal and state).
Residence changes from one state to another.
The executor or guardian can no longer serve.
You decide – for any reason – to change the distribution of your property.

Remember, you must be careful to match the beneficiaries in your will to your other financial assets as well.

Two more important reminders:

Keep the original will in a safe place such as a fireproof lock box or a bank safe deposit box.
Make sure the family knows where the will is kept. I recommend that all members of the immediate family know where the will is kept, as a precaution. The executor should have a copy of the will, or know where it is kept and have a key to access the will immediately, if needed.

If you have taken my advice and created a master list of your valuable possessions, their estimated or appraised value, and who you have chosen to receive each item, keep that master list with the original will. Be sure that the executor and the immediate family have a copy of the list.

The Art of Procrastination

March 29, 2010 | Julie Hall

Why do some procrastinate when dealing with death, caregiving, and other challenging issues? That is the million-dollar question!

Some of us are exceptionally good at doing things and tending to every imaginable task, like it or not. Some of us are followers that are very good at taking direction from the doers. Still, others are extremely skilled at procrastination and avoiding the elephant in the room, even if it must be dealt with.

In my 20 year professional quest for the answer to procrastination, I am reminded of an image we have all seen in old “spaghetti westerns”, the old cowboy pushing and cursing at his stubborn donkey to get up and go! The same is true for our clients, relatives, and friends. Never is it more unnerving than when you are trying to settle an estate, handle issues related to an illness or the death of a loved one, and the decision maker is — dare I say it — a procrastinator.

Why do some procrastinate?

First, they don’t have the ability to, or simply can’t, deal with the issue at hand. Perhaps it is too emotional, or they are just indecisive people to begin with and tackle all life’s issues in this manner.

Second, they simply don’t want to handle this issue. Often, but not always, these personality types ill allow people who are doers to come in and take over the reins (literally). With people like this, I always map out a plan — here’s what happens first, second, etc. They like to know what is going on, but don’t necessarily desire to be a part of the process.

Third, why deal with it today when I don’t have to? There’s not much I can say about this type. I have seen many unexpected deaths in my line of work, and to me, there’s no time like the present. Why put it off when it has to be done anyway? Just do it!

There is no known cure for procrastination. One would think that time and experience would teach people not to put things off. Since the beginning of time, people have put things off because they didn’t want to think or act. That’s why so many people perish without having even a basic will, let alone having many other vital issues discussed and planned out.

Procrastination is a bad word. Planning, while you are in control and have your say, is a beautiful gift to everyone around you!

“Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.” ~~Napoleon Hill

Why No One Wants Grandma’s China

March 22, 2010 | Julie Hall

Have you seen the prices of china services lately, outside the retail market? What a nosedive! China services, from my perspective, are low and heading lower. Several reasons explain this.

Too much supply, not enough demand. Our Depression Era mothers who loved their china are sadly passing away. This will flood the market with a huge supply.
Our Boomer generation already have their china services and don’t have the space to take more, because we have too much already.
The Boomer’s children, Generation X and Y, have no interest in it whatsoever. They simply do not want grandmother’s “old stuff.”
Generation X and Y want to visit IKEA and buy an everyday set in their colors, and when they tire of the color, go buy another set in a year. Why? They come in great colors and are affordable.

So as you can see, we have a definite downward turn in the market. There are some very fine porcelain manufacturers in the world and some of them are extraordinarily and beautiful. There will always be some people in the world who will pay exceptionally well for a china service, because they feel it is heirloom quality. The question is: will they want it? And will they ever get the $$$$ back out of it. The majority of the time, the answer is no.

Are there some clients who are grossly disappointed by this? Oh, yes! My elderly female clients are aware the grandchildren don’t want these things. They have confided in me that they wish the grandchildren did, because the china was so important to them and their generation. People change, and times change!

Rarely do we entertain anymore, let alone cook. Most women will tell you they do not desire that cooking and cleaning overload, after a tiring week at work. Remember that our mothers generally did not work out of the home. Today’s woman is a professional multi-tasker, part of the sandwich generation, works full time, travels, raises kids, care-gives for older parents, and is absolutely exhausted!!

If today’s woman can’t put it in the dishwasher, she doesn’t want to use it. Our mothers washed it all by hand, and with pride!

These are my thoughts on why china, like Hummel figurines, is almost a thing of the past. The young girls are simply not interested.

How Not to Become One of the Estate Lady’s Sad Stories

March 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

In my book and in many of my articles, I tell stories of estates I have handled with sad outcomes; either the parents were unprepared when death came, or there are serious and tragic family rivalries over possessions. These stories are avoidable with preparation. Real stories, every bit the truth, seem to stick with people better than a list of reasons.

The best protection against family rivalries is an updated will from your parents, along with preparation and preplanning with mom and dad. So, here’s how NOT to become one of my sad stories in a future book or article.

Encourage your parents to create a wish list of what they want to give and to whom, and distribute copies to every child or heir. This way, everyone has a copy, and if they are unhappy, they have to take it up with the parents while they are still alive.
Understand that you are not entitled to anything unless someone gives you an inheritance or a gift. Your parents can do whatever they want with their estate. Just being their child does not guarantee you an inheritance. If you receive an inheritance, be exceptionally thankful.
Understand that settling an estate is one of the most difficult things you and your siblings will go through, especially during the division of personal property. Chances are pretty good you won’t be pleased with the outcome of what you walk away with, but be thankful anyway.
Remember that this is not about you; it’s about what your parents want. This is why it is imperative that a last will and testament and other legal documents be drawn up by an attorney. You should encourage your parents to make decisions prior to infirmity or death.

Know the Plan

March 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

Knowledge is power. The more facts you know about your parents’ estate plans, the less you will have to decide on your own later. Make sure everyone in the family has talked with them about their estate planning and their final wishes. It is imperative that you know the following:

Is there a will?
Where is the will?
Where is a copy of the will?
Is the will updated? A will should be reviewed every 10 years or sooner. If there is no will, enlist the help of an estate planning attorney; discuss health care issues and trusts as well.
Do you know who the executor is?
Do you know who your parents’ attorney is?
Do you know who your parents’ financial planner is?
Do you know what to do if your parents have to move to assisted living?
Do you know your parents’ end-of-life wishes?

Ask these questions now, and have the vital conversations as a family now, before you have to make decisions and locate valuable information in the midst of a crisis.

Bring “Oxygen” to Your Life

March 1, 2010 | Julie Hall

There never seems to be enough hours in the day. If you are a caregiver, you know this better than anyone, for your schedule is not your own. Yet, I have heard many of my elderly clients say, “You must make the time because it is important to your well-being.” Here are some suggestions I have learned along the way that might bring some “oxygen” to your life, so you can breathe again.

You’re all you’ve got! Make dates with your spouse and children to keep your sanity in check, and the bonds of relationships fresh. This is imperative, so make yourself a promise to do this.
Rest and replenish, even if you have to steal private moments in the backyard, in prayer or meditation, or just sitting.
If you are experiencing guilt, anger, jealousy, resentment, etc., seek the assistance of close friends, a counselor, your minister or rabbi. Realize that most of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Know when to seek professional help, if you become depressed, anxious, or experience feelings that are not normal.
Combat depression by finding time to engage in an activity that brings you pleasure — a walk with your children or grandchildren, writing in your journal, getting out to shop for 2 or 3 hours. Respite care is available in many communities, just so you can rest from caregiving.
Pay attention to these things: sleeping, nutrition, exercise. Eat as well as you can; snack on fruits (natural pick-me-up) and granola bars, plus plenty of water. The brain is less tired when hydrated and your organs love it too. Sleep is one of the first things we miss in stressful situations. Instead of relying on sleep aids, try listening to soothing music, curling up with a good book, and cutting down on caffeine.
If your loved one is napping, pop a yoga DVD into the TV and do some stretching; very invigorating. Better yet, if you can get away for an hour, go get a massage.
Listen to music during the day, preferably easy listening, classical, or other calming music.
Spiritual self-care: make time for reflection and spend time with nature. Stay connected to your faith-based organization, or consider joining one. Be open to inspiration that will come from others. Surround yourself with kind and loving people.

8 Ways You Can Help Your Elderly Parent BEFORE Crisis

February 15, 2010 | Julie Hall

Here are 8 ways that you can be proactive and and take action now to help de-clutter your parents’ home. Do this now for their sake, and for your own sake. I can tell you from personal experience: you do not want to have to do this in “crisis mode.”

Have the important conversations with your parents. Approach them with love and ask them about their wishes. Try to gain an understanding of their financial situation. Be sure to know where all the important legal documents are kept.
Start to de-clutter your parents’ home. Since they won’t likely appreciate this, suggest that you are helping them avoid both a fire and a tripping hazard. Start by removing expired food, unused things, piles of newspapers, etc.
Discuss and document allocation of personal property and heirlooms. Create a wish list and ask an appraiser to assess the values. Suggest “gifting” of special items while your parents are still alive.
Every time you leave their house, take a few bags of donation items with you. Dress the less fortunate. Tell your parents you are helping them to “thin out” the house.
If your parents have already moved out or passed away, begin the process of clearing out the house by using three piles to sort belongings: donate, sell, keep.
When in doubt, always have a personal property appraiser evaluate antiques, collectibles, and anything you are not sure about.
Continue to keep in touch with siblings and keep everyone on the same page. This is the only way that whole family will maintain close and healthy relationships through this process.
Always come from a place of love. In the end, life is about MUCH more than the stuff. It’s about the wonderful, deep, and abiding relationships within our families.

That’s my thoughts for this week. Click on the “leave a comment” line below, and let’s discuss this together.

Letting go of your possessions is harder than you think

February 8, 2010 | Julie Hall

In the last post, I included a list of some reasons why people have a hard time letting go of their stuff. I want to continue the conversation with a couple of important suggestions from my experience as an appraiser of residential contents and estate liquidator.

First, if you are clearing out many possessions, enlist the assistance of a personal property appraiser. When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate/home appraised prior to distributing or selling contents. Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value. There are some children who feel that “everything is junk” and then discover through an appraisal that some pieces have significant value. Family stories through the years can also add to the anticipation of great-grandfather’s chair being more valuable because it is so old. Remember, age is not the only determining factor of true value.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of the heirs generally won’t take much. Their children allready have houses that are full from being married 20 years or so, and adding more will only fuel marital strife. The younger generations appear to want nothing but cash assets. Even if your children do take items, their children definitely don’t want them now and most likely will feel the same in the future. They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions, when they could take the cash they receive and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn.

Holding onto possessions for the sake of not wanting to let them go will leave a massive burden for the children/heirs. Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action!

The Estate Lady

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