Conversation Starters for You and Your Parents

January 25, 2010 | Julie Hall

It is never easy to talk with your parents about future issues. Here are some conversation starters that will make it more comfortable for you and your parents.

“Mom, you’ve been such a great help to me over the years. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Mom and Dad, sometimes I worry about you living all alone. Are there any things we could do to help you?”
“Dad, when Uncle Jim passed away, his family fought for weeks over things. Do you ever worry that Mike and I will be like that?”
“Ever since Mom’s stroke, I’ve been worried about your meals and things. Are you doing all right?”
“Jim and I started looking closer at our retirement account, and we’d love to pick your brain about all the things we need to know about retirement.”
“Dad, do you ever worry about Mom if she had to go it alone without you?”

Parents, listen to your children. And children, listen to your parents. This is a critical conversation for all of you, and you want to make sure you communicate well. Just like when we were kids at school, don’t be afraid to raise your hand and ask questions. Making assumptions or guessing about what the other one wants can be dangerous and lead to places you don’t want to go. Remember what your teachers used to tell you: there’s no such thing as a dumb question!

For more help on this and many other topics related to your aging parents and their stuff, please read my book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. It’s available from Amazon.com or click on the link at the right of this article.

The Death Bed Thief

January 18, 2010 | Julie Hall

Exploitation can raise its ugly head in the midst of unsuspecting situations. Such was the case with the Garvey family (not real name). Mom and Dad Garvey were about the nicest people you’d ever wish to meet. Their three adult children lived nearby; they loved to have all the grandchildren over for Sunday dinners. All of the children were successful, and the family often took vacations together. As Mom Garvey shared with me, she could not recall one moment of discord between her kids.

Dad Garvey was diagnosed with cancer at age 73, and the disease progressed rapidly. He had lived a good life, and faced his illness with grace and courage. Even as his strength waned, he loved having his family visit. But soon death was imminent and hospice was called in to assist him and his family. That’s when strange things began to happen.

One of his daughters became uncharacteristically possessive. She wanted to be at Dad’s bedside around the clock. Normally a sweet and accomodating person, she would snap at her mother over the smallest thing. She accused her siblings of not caring enough for their dad, even as she tried to prevent them from being with him during his final days.

Eventually Dad Garvey passed away, with his wife and children at his bedside. But as the funeral director’s hearse pulled up to take the body to the funeral home, the same daughter disappeared into the basement, while the others comforted one another in their grief.

It was a few days later that they discovered what the daughter had been doing. Apparently, while she was keeping vigil by her father’s bedside, she was also surveying his belongings. When he died, she quickly grabbed the things she had stashed in the final couple weeks of his life. Mysteriously, even though Dad Garvey had prepared a will, it was never found.

This is a scary story, no doubt. But imagine, for just a moment, how different this story would have gone if the parents had given serious consideration to dividing their estate prior to infirmity or death. At the very least, they should have distributed a master list of what they wanted each child or heir to have, making sure that each child received a copy. The will should have been given to the executor or another trusted professional, so it would have been available upon death.

If every child knows the plan in advance, it will be much harder for one child to take the lion’s share. Unfortunately, this scenario occurs every single day, because no one planned ahead!

King Solomon’s Approach: Will It Work for Dividing Estate Contents?

January 11, 2010 | Julie Hall

King Solomon was known for his wisdom and ability to make sound decisions. The most famous incident happened when two women came to him with a baby each woman claimed as her own. Solomon’s response was literally to divide the baby so that each woman could have half. This decision did not seem to bother the first woman, but the second woman begged the King to give the baby to the first woman, so the baby could live. Solomon then knew the second woman was the real mother and granted her the child. Will this approach work for families when they are in the midst of grief and making difficult decisions regarding their parents’ possessions?

The “divide and conquer” method is used most often, without knowing the values of estate items. Resentments and rivalries can and will stem from this method. One heir will feel that he or she got gypped. Heirs often begin the process of breaking down the estate and dividing the contents prematurely. First, know what you have and understand its current market value by hiring a personal property appraiser. Second, not all possessions can be divided, so Plan B must be ready to go.

Try to divide possessions equitably. But what if there is one item, say a $7,000 grandfather clock, that 5 children each want to have? As a personal property expert, I have seen two viable options work best.

First, when parents are still living, they should make the decision of who gets the clock. Let all heirs know what is your decision. To minimize some of the upset, if financially feasible, offer cash assets or other physical assets in the appraised amount of the clock to the other heirs. This decision may ruffle feathers, but you may have just prevented a lifelong rift between your children.

If you can’t bear the thought of choosing one heir for the clock, my suggestion might surprise you. Sell the clock and split the proceeds among your heirs. It is equitable, and no one has “the prize”, but all have equal cash assets.

We spend a lifetime collecting and caring for our favorite possessions. Shouldn’t we take the time to make a sound plan for passing them on to heirs? No material possession is worth ripping the family apart!

The Irony of Heirlooms

January 4, 2010 | Julie Hall

You can count on Murphy’s Law when dealing with heirlooms and dividing estate contents — something almost always goes wrong! I’ve had a front seat for nearly 20 years, and seen more than my share of serious feuds, estrangements, the “entitlement mentality”, and the rapid gathering of vultures and other green-eyed creatures. Sibling rivalry, as well as tensions and emotions, are at an all-time high; the executor is generally stuck in the middle, not wanting to ruffle any feathers.

Often, certain family members will take it upon themselves to enter the estate, take what they desire, and leave everyone else in the dark and empty-handed. We’ve all heard the scary stories. One brother locks the other brother out of the house and takes everything in the middle of the night. A sister helps herself to valuable jewelry without asking, or the long lost sibling who returns after 30 years to claim a chunk of the inheritance. All of these scenarios, plus so many more, add fuel to the fire and cause decades of resentment and bitterness.

We all have a connection to this particular issue because we have either been through it, are getting ready to go through it, or are dreading the very thought of it. Unfortunately, when a family member dies, or is approaching death, those who feel entitled come calling. Suddenly, heirs and distant relatives surface that you didn’t know existed, and true colors shine through in various shades of green.

For what reason does this occur over and over again? Is it because of perceived value from generations of family stories that one particular piece has tremendous monetary value? Is it over a sentimental item, like mom’s reading glasses, a family Bible, or a wedding band? Do people want these items because they feel the loved one who died is still close by? Or is it plain old greed?

Here’s the irony: People are fighting over things they can’t take with them either. We exit this world the way we came into it, with no material possessions.

Read my solution in the next blog entry below!

The Solution to the Irony of Heirlooms

January 4, 2010 | Julie Hall

We spend a lifetime collecting and caring for heirlooms, yet we rarely take the time to make a plan for them once we pass away. We allow our children to fight over them, instead of making wish lists and talking with them about their wishes.

Some will argue that their 3-year old grandchild will want these heirlooms thirty years from now. If I were a betting lady, I would disagree! The younger generations have no desire for china, silver, crystal, etc. They prefer IKEA, Pottery Barn, and Crate and Barrel to grandmother’s “old stuff.” Though we have fond memories of heirlooms, our homes are already too full, and 70% of our stuff we will never use. So, let us ponder for a minute: How will our children handle our estate when our time comes?

Planning is the key to a smoother division of property and estate settlement.

Enlist the assistance of an estate planning attorney. This is no time to be frugal.
Choose an appropriate executor who will get it done, remain firm, and honor the decedent’s wishes.
Hire a personal property appraiser to ascertain what has value vs. what doesn’t.
Base the division of personal property on equitable distribution to keep it as fair as possible.
Read The Boomer Burden – Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, perfect for clients, attorneys, heirs, and parents.

What to Notice About Your Parents’ Aging

December 21, 2009 | Julie Hall

Many of us will gather with close family at Christmas and/or New Years. You may want to observe your parents, or other close relatives, and take note of any new signs of the aging process.

Some of these signs, if occurring infrequently, are no cause for panic. These signs could mean that your parents need to have someone to check on them daily, or to consider assisted living.

Declining mobility
Vision problems
Loss of interest in favorite pastimes
Irritability
Hearing loss
Confusion
Repetition
Short-term memory loss
Fatigue
Unopened mail
Changes in the home environment
Unusual spending and/or hoarding (collecting)
Preoccupation with finances
Change in appetite or not eating well
Staying alone, isolation
Depression or anxiety
Bruising from stumbles or falls

What should you do if you notice any of these signs of aging in your parents? You shouldn’t overreact, or force the issue to discussion. You should not ignore the signs either. Just pay attention.

1. Begin keeping a diary or log of what you notice. By paying attention and keeping a record, you will be able to objectively determine if these behaviors are happening infrequently, or if they are getting worse and may need intervention.

2. Begin to think about the future. No one likes to face the inevitable facts of decline and death of our parents. Those who allow themselves to think proactively are much better prepared for the day when all they have left is their parents’ empty house. It’s the adult children who have been in denial who really become unglued when the end finally arrives.

With family gathered, this may be a good opportunity to observe and discuss the facts together as siblings. Go for a walk or out for coffee together. A little investment of time when all are together may ease the challenges you’ll face later.

Whatever you observe, continue to love them and make great memories together as a family!

My Christmas gift to your family

December 14, 2009 | Julie Hall

This has been a growing year for me, a chance to help people understand the necessity of preparation before death, and help avoid battles over stuff after death. I have accumulated a wealth of suggestions, gleaned from nearly 20 years of experience handling personal property in estates.

My book, The Boomer Burden — Dealing With Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, provides practical and effective steps for liquidating and distributing your parents’ assets in a way that both honors them and promotes family harmony.

You’ve probably heard the stories: arguments over stuff, an inheritance lost forever when parents are scammed, siblings estranged, or an adult heir taken from daily responsibilities for months while trying to empty their childhood home.

This book is valuable for both the senior adults and the Boomer children. My trustworthy counsel covers the following areas:

Divide your parents’ estate with peace of mind
Minimize fighting with siblings during the estate settlement process
Clear out the family home in two weeks or less
Identify potential items of value in the home
Have “that conversation” with your parents
Prepare your own children for the future

Amazon.com carrys my book; you can purchase it in time for your family’s holiday celebrations. If you have a close relationship with parents and siblings, you owe it to all to keep harmony in the home after the unexpected death of a parent. If there are difficult relationships, distance between you and your parents, an accumulation of stuff in your parents’ home, and other thorny issues, please buy a copy of this book and save yourself even more pain and struggle.

One of the most distressing, yet integral parts of estate planning and liquidation is the division of personal property; who gets what? A little talking now can go a long way to prevent squabbling between the heirs after mom and dad pass away. For peaceful resolutions and wonderful guidance, please order The Boomer Burden. It has earned wonderful reviews, and it makes a great gift for siblings, parents, children, even clients.

This is my Christmas gift to your family: a wealth of information and valuable resources to protect the relationship, sanity, and peace among your family. The joy of preparation for the inevitable, and the kindness of knowing that everything is in order. Merry Christmas!

P.S. I welcome your comments and questions, even suggested topics, at the link below this article.

The Risk of Procrastination

November 30, 2009 | Julie Hall

“When the boat reaches midstream, it is too late to mend the leaks.” — A Chinese proverb

Mary was 96 years old and had a lovely 3 bedroom home filled with antiques passed down from previous generations. With great pride, Mary had done everything right with these heirlooms. She left all items in their original good condition (never refinished or restored them), knew all the history of each piece, kept them out of direct sunlight and away from heat vents, never placed them in the attic.

But Mary made a huge error along the way: she procrastinated making an estate plan for her assets and preparing for her own death. In fact, Mary didn’t even have a legal will.

I remember meeting Mary about 6 months prior to her passing. Her two children were present, and everyone wanted to know the values of Mary’s lovely possessions. The children hoped that my visit would convince Mary of her urgent need to prepare a will, so her wishes would be known and fulfilled after her death. At length, I spoke with Mary about the importance of preparing all her wishes for her children. I even offered the name and number of an estate attorney who would be willing to come to her home.

I made the assumption that at 96, Mary had accepted her advanced age and her close proximity to death. However, Mary had a great deal of difficulty accepting her mortality. “I do not need a will. I have written my wishes for my children on a piece of notebook paper, and that is good enough. If it isn’t good enough, then my kids will just have to fight over it.”

The children looked at me and grimaced. They knew the complications that awaited them if mom did not get legal assistance to prepare her last wishes and plans. These complications can be years of red tape, tremendous financial pressures to settle the estate, etc. This is simply not fair to do to children!

What happened with Mary’s estate? No one ever found her handwritten will, and it became a nightmare for the family. It became a litany of “Mom said I could have this” or “No, she promised that to me.”

Mary’s reasons for procrastination will never be known by any of us. Some are afraid of even talking about death. We shouldn’t be; it is a certainty. The older generation seems to be parted into three groups: Those that are completely prepared, those who won’t even discuss it, and leave it all on their children’s shoulders, and those that simply sit on it for years and procrastinate on the inevitable. For those in the last two groups, life will be most difficult for your children or heirs, upon your demise.

For trustworthy advice on these issues and much more, please click on the right side of my blog at “The Boomer Burden” and order my book.

Leaving a Legacy of Love

November 23, 2009 | Julie Hall

Anne and Bill are a wonderful example of parents being prepared. Both are in their mid-seventies, in relatively good health, have two children, several grandchildren, and are geographically remote from their family. They knew that if, or when, something happens to them, their children would have to journey to get there and assist. Wanting to make life easier for their kids, they decided to make sure their children understood their wishes.

This couple has been married 52 years, very hard working middle class, who saved a great deal of their money, invested it, and wanted their assets protected. When it came time to downsize their home to move into a smaller one, they de-cluttered their home, sold most of their belongings, and lived comfortably on what they needed. Anne no longer has a need for all the silver plate, china, etc. and preferred the space to the clutter.

They hired a financial advisor to assist them with decisions, an estate planning attorney to create a revocable trust, and told their children that everything is in writing and gave them each a copy. The trust clearly states who is the executor, and who is the health care power of attorney. Both children were clear on their part of the responsibility. It was very difficult for their children to listen to what their parents’ last wishes were. Yet, they knew they owed that to their parents.

Each child has a file containing all the vital information of their parents’ estate and guidelines within, even down to funeral arrangements, music to be played, and how many death certificates to order. This file remains in their file cabinets, hopefully for many years to come, but is easily accessible if (and when) the fateful phone call comes.

Do you see the ease with which the children have already been prepared, thanks to this wonderful set of parents? For parents to give this much thought into their own mortality cannot be easy from anyone’s perspective. Their actions toward their children were kind, generous, accepting, and loving. Their only wish was to ease their children’s burdens, when they were in the midst of grief, estate dissolution, selling the home, travel, etc.

These are two very fortunate children to have everything spelled out for them when a time of crisis occurs. I should know, as Anne and Bill are my parents! Thanks, Mom and Dad, for loving us that much!

Treasure Hunting at Home

November 16, 2009 | Julie Hall

It’s true that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure! In my line of work, I spend my days deciphering what has value in estates, what is to be sent to donation, and what has no value. Not long ago, I was asked to go through a home to evaluate its contents. Many of the items were not in the best shape due to mold and mildew. Many items were from the turn of the 20th century or before, and many of these had value.

Imagine the surprise when I found two old pottery vases in the basement that turned out to be a fantastic treasure! When I mentioned to the executor that the vases had value, he was very surprised. “They were headed for donation drop off because they are ugly,” he said.

This wonderful story is a glowing example that an appraiser cannot possibly know everything, but will use the knowledge he or she has to further investigate. As it turned out after further research, the pieces were considerably more value than even the fine arts gallery realized. One vase ended up selling for $57,500 because it possessed the marks of a very rare artist. The second piece sold for $4,000. Not a bad return on investment for a one hour visit from an estate expert.

In this case, it was a very happy ending for all the beneficiaries. This follows the good and solid advice that you should know what you have before you sell or donate anything, even if it appears to be junk in your eyes. Especially when dissolving the estate of a loved one, many things are sold or thrown out in haste to simply “get rid of them”.

Knowing the value of what you have in your home will empower you against those that aim to exploit you, and they are everywhere. Offer your children or heirs a clear understanding, so these heirlooms will not be sold at a garage sale one day for $1.00. I can’t tell you how many fabulous items are sold at garage sales for pennies on the dollar.

In this case, an ounce of prevention really paid off for this family!