The Secret Keeper

October 17, 2011 | Julie Hall

My father used to play a game with me as a small child. When he wanted to know what mom had bought for his birthday or Christmas, he would say, “Julie will tell me what mom bought. I can always get it out of Julie!” I had been sworn to secrecy by my brother because I was the little tattletale in the family. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t keep that secret. Little did I know that as an adult, life would ask me to not only keep them, but to take them to my grave so no one would get hurt. This story, I can share…

Steven was only 43 years old. He was top executive, divorced with children, and lived as a bachelor in a very nice home with lovely furnishings. Steven had a good life and all that he could want or need: a stable line of work, choice real estate, comfortable lifestyle, children, etc. But something went very wrong along the way.

One night, for no known reason to his family or friends, Steven ended his life. There was no note found or any indication for the reasoning behind his actions. We were brought in to sell and clear out the home completely.

During the clearing out phase, I personally found a stack of letters that were found in a closet. They were in no particular order and wide open. Many of them were notes and cards obviously exchanged between sweethearts. Unsure whether to dispose of these or not because the significant other might want them, I opened up the top card only to reveal words that might have offered a reason why he ended his life. I felt an overwhelming responsibility to do the right thing, but what was the right thing in this case?

There were two choices: I could dispose of the items and keep this secret locked away in my head forever, or I could call the family and somehow search for the right words to explain my findings in a very delicate manner. Having no previous experience with this particular scenario of suicide, I sat in silence contemplating the situation that had been laid upon my lap. I had in my hands potential evidence as to why this distraught man ended his life, and my heart grew heavy with the emotions he must have been experiencing. When my hands held his handwritten note, I could feel he was completely shattered.

After what seemed like an eternity of contemplation, I knew exactly what I had to do. The family had the right, no matter how painful, to know something as serious as this; I had to give them the opportunity to make the choice themselves. Calling the closest relative from my cell phone, I wanted to sound calm and reassuring.

When the relative picked up the phone, I greeted the relative and explained that I was still in the home working. “I’ve found a letter I think you may want to see, but I need your permission to send it to you. I believe it could offer you an answer as to the reason Steven is no longer with us. Would you like me to FedEx it out to you?” Much to my surprise, the family rejected my offer to send it to them and did not want to know the reasons behind his actions. Some things are just too painful. His words are forever etched in my mind to be buried with me later in life, unknown to anyone who loved him.

The Band-Aid Analogy

October 3, 2011 | Julie Hall

Sometimes you just don’t want to do what lies ahead of you. The little angel on your right shoulder says you have to do it, and the little devil sitting on your left shoulder tells you to blow it off and forget about it.

This internal tug-of-war happens to each of us every day whether we are consciously aware of it or not. But when it keeps nagging at you and occupies your every thought, it’s time for action.

Think of the simplicity of the Band-Aid. You cover up one of life’s little boo-boos and keep on going. Eventually, you have to take that sticky thing off and naturally it’s fastened permanently to your arm hairs. You know it’s going to hurt. Maybe if you just ignore it, it will go away? Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You must face it head on.

Now you have two choices with that Band-Aid:

1. Grab hold of the end and rip it off super fast so the pain only lasts a short while, or

2. Slowly and painfully peel it back, taking every arm hair with it.

What kind of personality do you have? Deal with it quickly and relatively painlessly, or do it slowly, methodically, and deal with the pain?

People can be like Band-Aids. When dealing with estate settlement, very often these two personality types will have to intermingle, and sometimes without much success.

Try to be as amiable as possible and reach a compromise. No matter which way you look at it, it’s painful, but going through it with someone else who understands and is willing to work together as teammates somehow makes it flow easier.

A Case of the Grumpies

September 19, 2011 | Julie Hall

We are bombarded by tens of thousands of media messages daily. We even have miniscule handheld gadgets and crazy fingers that fly faster than the typing secretaries we see in the old black and white movies. As if our desktops aren’t enough, we feel the need to remain “connected” to any new technological advance, and constantly have the media in our face. Sadly, we are exposed to all the negative energy the world has to offer. No wonder we are so tired.

As a result of this exposure, the state of the economy, the politicians’ barrage of empty promises, financial strife, etc., we all seem a little angrier and much grumpier than we used to be.

It’s no different for those settling an estate. Everyone feels a particular piece was sentimental only to them, or “Mom always wanted me to have that.” Heirs go into the division of assets with the image they will always get what they want and this simply is not the case. Arguments of what has value, differences of opinion, who-gets-what, things disappearing in the night … all of this happens because our loved ones failed to plan ahead.

Obstacles abound every way we turn. Frustrating? Yes. A reason to go out into the world and make everyone miserable? NO!

Mom always said we can make a choice how we behave out in the world and inside ourselves. The next time you see someone walking around with the weight of the world on their back, make a choice and give them a great big smile. It’s amazing how something so simple can have such great impact on them … and on you!

Mementos of Killed Marine Sold By Mistake

August 22, 2011 | Julie Hall

This was the headline in our local paper a few days ago. The young widow accidentally sold a suitcase at a yard sale that contained photos and special items that were of her late Marine husband with their children. I thought to myself, “Oh no … those photos are irreplaceable and probably gone forever.”

The article was a monumental effort across the country to appeal to anyone who might find it, as the buyers at the yard sale told the widow they would probably sell the suitcase at a flea market. To my knowledge, it has not yet been found.

A couple of things come to mind:

We feel for this woman and all she has gone/is going through, and it was most likely a simple oversight that she forgot to open the suitcase prior to selling. As a professional, I can honestly say it’s vital to leave no stone unturned. Whether you are sorting through a loved one’s belongings, or you hire a professional, everything must be gone through with a fine tooth comb. You never know what you’re going to find.
Professionals in my industry already know to sift through everything, but family might be experiencing emotions too strong to deal with it at the moment, feel as if they are in a fog for a while, or can’t quite get themselves to sort through the items in the depth they should — through no fault of their own. We understand grief and have compassion for our clients. Sometimes, an objective professional party can help the family through that, and ensure that everything has truly been sorted and gone through, so accidents like this don’t occur.

My heart goes out to this widow and her children, and I sincerely hope that whoever buys the suitcase with the precious photos of the fallen Marine and his children will find a way to get them back to their rightful owner.

Life is Like a Track Meet

April 11, 2011 | Julie Hall

As a middle-aged adult, those junior high kids have a way of making it look easy. I honestly don’t remember having that kind of energy, but I know we all did.

Attending my teenager’s track meets, I find myself in awe of the high jumpers and the hurdlers. Observing them, in all their youth and vigor, I could see that it takes even a young athlete great effort to get up and over that bar and those hurdles. There is a rhythm in their approach, a method to the madness that the spectator marvels at. Tremendous coordination of body, mind, and spirit must synchronize to successfully clear those hurdles. Leaping into mid-air, up and over an obstacle you cannot see at the last moment requires forethought, guts, and faith that they will achieve their goal.

Watching each of them focus on the task at hand and seeing the power of their “take-offs,” the sound of their pounding feet on the track, and the grunts from overexertion, I see sensory proof of their efforts, victories, and momentary defeats. Life is very much like a track meet.

These are among the great lessons that teach us our lives are a series of hurdles and high jumps. Regardless of age, we are often reminded that we too have our own obstacles and fearful moments. It takes courage and faith to overcome them, or at least face them. We too will fall and get hurt many times in life, but we must get up and keep going, just like these kids.

Every time I have problems getting motivated, or even days when I realize I am having a pity party for myself, I think of those thundering flashes of feet on the track. Those kids are scared and vulnerable when they step on that track for all to see, but it’s the champion inside us that keeps us moving forward and over those hurdles.

The Essence of Compassion

March 7, 2011 | Julie Hall

One of the most beautiful and important attributes a person can have is compassion. Sadly, we don’t see as much of it these days as we did back in our parents’ or grandparents’ lifetime. Call me old-fashioned, but I feel that compassion is desperately needed, both to be given as well as received every day. Let this serve as a reminder to all who read this how very blessed we are. We should spread those blessings wherever and however we can.

When dealing with our family members, especially through difficult times — times of change, times of illness and death, times of uncertainty — we should hold these words close to heart.

I don’t know who wrote this, but I have used it for many years and want to pass it along to you.

The Essence of Compassion

Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong … Because sometime in your life, you will have been all of these ….

The Accidental Expert

February 21, 2011 | Julie Hall

Never in a million years would I have thought I would turn out to be “The Estate Lady.” I would have been perfectly content with a career dealing with animals, being a marine biologist, or something more carefree than dealing with heirs and heirlooms each and every day. I used to think it was all by accident that I ended up where I am, writing books, speaking publicly, teaching at universities, etc.

Back in my twenties, and still working full-time for a large corporation, I met with Wilma, a lovely 103 year old woman, who needed assistance handling her soon-to-be-estate. I was just breaking into the estate business handling personal property, but I soon discovered I had a special gift of listening to people, uncovering their needs, then finding a way to fulfill those needs. It didn’t take me long to see the vision of what was coming and figure out that seniors – not to mention their children – needed me and my services.

Much to my horror, Wilma’s neighbors, upon hearing she was dying and had no heirs, decided to trample through her home in my absence and help themselves to her gorgeous possessions that had significant worth. Long story, short: Wilma knew she had been taken advantage of by these unscrupulous people who only had greed in their hearts, and truly lacked love and compassion for this elderly woman facing a difficult transition.

The saddest part is this happens each day, every day, in each city, in each state, to thousands of people every 24 hours.

Wilma was the client who unknowingly gave me my company name, The Estate Lady, decades ago. Was it really an accident I was there to witness such an account of low human behavior? Or was I there because it was my destiny to learn from the situation and educate and advocate for those who need it during the daunting times of dissolving the family home?

The more I think about it, the more clearly I see that it was no accident!

When Your Box Gets Too Heavy, Drop It!

January 24, 2011 | Julie Hall

My teenage daughter has recently become my teacher, and I her student. Life has been challenging for many this past year and our family is no exception. Many of my clients have suffered illness, loss of a loved one, and financial trouble in the last year. With the new year here, we have a clean slate and a chance to un-do, re-do or make better than last year.

Lately, life has been a little weird. So much uncertainty. Turning on the TV means risking depression and anxiety just by watching 5 minutes of the news. When will it ever be like it “used to be?”

Not long ago, I had an emotional moment thinking of my father who has Alzheimer’s. It all seemed to come crashing down on me. My daughter came home from school and caught me during a mini-meltdown. I have always believed it’s okay to let children see their parents cry. We are not infallible, but we try to always be strong for them. Then one day, the tables turn and they are strong for us.

Suddenly, she looked at me with the eyes and demeanor of a grown woman. “Mom, there is no need for you to get yourself so upset. What will be, will be, and you can’t control that. Your box has gotten too heavy, so drop it.”

“What box?” I thought. She went on to further explain that the box represents our lives and all the junk inside weighing the box down is the parts of it we need to let go of. “Just drop the box, Mom. You need to be more like me. Let it go until you need it. Don’t carry it around with you. Sometimes it just gets too heavy and you can’t carry it anymore.”

And the thought occurred to me to count the blessings, not the tears. When the box gets too heavy, I am learning to drop it and deal with something more positive. Many boxes out there are getting heavier by the day. Maybe you can learn from my daughter too!

5 Promises to Yourself in 2011

January 3, 2011 | Julie Hall

Happy New Year!

These days, it appears increasingly difficult to stay on the level emotionally. So much comes at us that it’s depressing to turn on the TV. To combat this heaviness that many feel, I have 5 suggestions to make us feel more buoyant this year. Please share them with your family and friends, since we all need to support one another.

Let It Go! Let go of anything that weighs you down. Surplus material possessions and stuff that no longer has meaning, people and relationships that are toxic, clean out that closet and give to those in need, etc. Just let go! You will immediately feel lighter, and more open space will provide an uplift in your spirit.
If something you tried last year didn’t work out, keep trying different ways until it does work. As the old saying goes, “there is more than one way to skin a cat.” Try again in different ways; ask close friends or colleagues what they would do. Valued opinions and objective third parties may very well be the sounding board you need or provide you with the brilliant idea that works.
Broaden your horizons. No more excuses! Take that pottery class, dance class, go to that place you’ve always wanted to see, train for a marathon, volunteer, lose weight, etc. Just do it! Spend some time on YOU.
Practice appreciation. Open your eyes and look for the simple pleasures in your life. Put forth a little effort to “see” the good in the world. Sometimes you need to go for a walk and admire the birds, look at the sky, and take some deep breaths. A survey of centenarians (over 100 years old) shows they attribute their longevity to simple pleasures like walking barefoot, watering their garden, swimming, etc.
Train your brain to think positively. Yes, there is alot wrong with the world today, but there is still much good in it. Go forth, do good things, be a good person, and try to make a difference for others. The rewards are far greater than you know! It comes back to you, and it will give you a strong sense of purpose in the new year.

Your Parents Need Protection!

October 18, 2010 | Julie Hall

About a year ago, I gave my blog readers the following suggestions about protecting our parents and other elderly relatives. Occasional news stories continue to sadden and disturb me, as another elderly, well-meaning person falls victim to a clever scam or scheme. Please review these suggestions, and pass this information along to others, so together we can protect our elderly family and friends.

1. Ask or discuss with your parents who has durable power of attorney.

2. Register your parents’ telephone numbers with the National Do Not Call registry (www.donotcall.gov).

3. Discuss with them the list of common frauds (see The Boomer Burden, chapter 7). Ask them to contact you if they suspect anyone is trying to defraud them.

4. Ask your parents to contact you if anyone offers to buy any of their possessions.

5. Make sure a family member personally visits your parents on a weekly basis. If this is a challenge and you have other siblings, take turns.

6. Reduce junk mail for a small fee by going to either of these web sites: www.stopthejunkmail.com and http://mailstopper.tonic.com.

The National Center for Elder Abuse is an excellent resource for information on financial and other forms of abuse against senior citizens. It publishes reports and conducts research on this growing problem. NCEA’s mission is to promote understanding, knowledge sharing, and action on elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Its web site also offers links to other excellent resources and organizations also devoted to protecting senior citizens. Their web site is www.ncea.aoa.gov.

Honor your parents by standing between them and anyone who sees them as an easy target.