vulnerable

“Mom has a friend…Maybe we’ll use her.”

| Julie Hall

Margaret called me from a Chicago suburb with a frantic tone in her voice.  “We have all this stuff, and we don’t have a clue how to get rid of it!  It looks like it might be junk, but there are some antiques in here too.  What do we do?  My mom has a friend who is sort of in the business.  She’s dabbled in buying and selling for years.  Maybe I should just hire her.”

Her words hit a nerve!  It’s sort of like saying, “My brother got an A in dissecting, so why not let him do your brain surgery?”

I strongly urged her to hire a professional, and warned her about letting an untrained friend handle something as important as this.  But she decided to go to her friend anyway, a decision that cost her dearly.

A month later, Margaret called me again, in tears. “I’ve made a horrible mistake, and I don’t know how to undo it.  My mom’s friend didn’t know the true value of many of the items in the house and sold them for pennies.  One local dealer contacted me to tell me the estate person charged $75 for a fine antique English Windsor chair that was worth about $800.  An antique needlepoint sampler dated 1854 sold for $10, but should have sold for several hundred.  I am eaten up with misery wondering how many other things got sold for next to nothing.”

Please get the right kind of help!  Unscrupulous professionals come out of the woodwork at a time of crisis.  Amateurs, even though they are friends or golf buddies or play bridge with you, are still amateurs!  It may be costly to hire the right professional, but an amateur is much more “costly” in the end.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Grief Needs a Shoulder to Lean On

| Julie Hall

Let me offer some compassionate support for those who are going through grief over the loss of a parent.  Having to handle all the details of a funeral and the liquidation of your parents’ estate ranks high on the lists of stressors that can wreak havoc emotionally.

You and your siblings really need a lot of shoulders to lean on during this time.  This is the time to make withdrawals from your emotional bank accounts of close friends.  If you are active in a church or synagogue, let your pastor or rabbi know what you’re going through, and be open to any acts of kindness from your congregation.

Grief can bring with it the symptoms of clinical depression, yet you’ll feel as if you have to be the strong one for the sake of your family.  It’s not a sign of weakness to meet with a counselor and unload what’s happening during this stressful time. 

With nearly every client, I’ve found myself holding the hand of an angry, heartbroken, grieving son or daughter.  Many are in a very vulnerable state, feeling angry and lashing out because of all the decisions that their parents did not take care of while they were alive.  Then their anger turns to guilt because their parents are no longer here, and they feel guilty because they feel angry.

You really do have to be strong and think straight as you go through your parents’ home for the last time, so take advantage of resources — personal and professional — that can help you cope with the sadness and stress.

Keep in mind: you don’t have to go through this alone.  There is reliable and trustworthy help that can make this painful experience go smoothly.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Places to Find Hidden Treasure

| Julie Hall

Many older people have a long-term distrust of banks and often hide their valuables in the strangest places.  If your parents are European immigrants, they have an even greater tendency to do this, and if either parent has dementia or Alzheimer’s, they likely have hidden things and forgot about them.

Many seniors hide money and valuables that often go unnoticed in the liquidation of their estates.  Here are the most common places where these valuables may exist:

  • Clothing and shoes — especially breast pockets in a man’s suit coat, under an insert in the sole of a shoe, wrapped in socks or underwear, bra cups.
  • Drapery hems — a favorite hiding place for small jewelry or coins
  • Canister sets — rare coins or jewelry in the flour or sugar canister and sometimes in cookie tins
  • Books — paper money slid between the pages of a book
  • Ice cube trays — a favorite place for small jewelry or gemstones
  • Toilet tank — another place for jewelry
  • Duct tape — money or jewelry wrapped tightly in a wadded ball
  • Picture frames — between the picture and the mat or backing material
  • Attic rafters — favorite place for coins, jewelry, and antiques

You’ll need to use some detective skills to be sure that when you liquidate their home and estate, you don’t leave anything valuable behind.

© 2010 Julie Hall

Bring “Oxygen” to Your Life

| Julie Hall

There never seems to be enough hours in the day.  If you are a caregiver, you know this better than anyone, for your schedule is not your own.  Yet, I have heard many of my elderly clients say, “You must make the time because it is important to your well-being.”  Here are some suggestions I have learned along the way that might bring some “oxygen” to your life, so you can breathe again.

  • You’re all you’ve got!  Make dates with your spouse and children to keep your sanity in check, and the bonds of relationships fresh.  This is imperative, so make yourself a promise to do this.
  • Rest and replenish, even if you have to steal private moments in the backyard, in prayer or meditation, or just sitting.
  • If you are experiencing guilt, anger, jealousy, resentment, etc., seek the assistance of close friends, a counselor, your minister or rabbi.  Realize that most of what you are feeling is perfectly normal.  Know when to seek professional help, if you become depressed, anxious, or experience feelings that are not normal.
  • Combat depression by finding time to engage in an activity that brings you pleasure — a walk with your children or grandchildren, writing in your journal, getting out to shop for 2 or 3 hours.  Respite care is available in many communities, just so you can rest from caregiving.
  • Pay attention to these things: sleeping, nutrition, exercise.  Eat as well as you can; snack on fruits (natural pick-me-up) and granola bars, plus plenty of water.  The brain is less tired when hydrated and your organs love it too.  Sleep is one of the first things we miss in stressful situations.  Instead of relying on sleep aids, try listening to soothing music, curling up with a good book, and cutting down on caffeine.
  • If your loved one is napping, pop a yoga DVD into the TV and do some stretching; very invigorating.  Better yet, if you can get away for an hour, go get a massage.
  • Listen to music during the day, preferably easy listening, classical, or other calming music.
  • Spiritual self-care: make time for reflection and spend time with nature.  Stay connected to your faith-based organization, or consider joining one.  Be open to inspiration that will come from others.  Surround yourself with kind and loving people.

© 2010 Julie Hall

How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others

| Julie Hall

I find it hard to believe there is actually a word in the English language that could possibly describe what caregivers go through.  There can’t be.  What is experienced during the caregiving process is often a deep, emotional shift accompanied by confusion, frustration, even resentment for many.  Somewhere along the line, one loses oneself and their individuality blurs with the needs of the loved one.

Most are caregivers out of love and affection, and others caregive because it is not financially feasible to pay for professional care.  Perhaps a child has a strong desire to care for mom and dad, or possibly a sense of obligation.  They will caregive for as long as they can, only to surrender when they reach a point when they can no longer offer the quality of care the loved one really needs.  It make no difference what the scenario is — all have experienced the same emotional labor.

Who then will care for you, the caregiver?  Ultimately the answer is you.  We’ve all heard the saying: “You have to remain strong for those you care for, so please take care of yourself.”  But are caregivers really taking the time to replenish their bodies, minds, and souls?  If I were a betting lady, I would say no.

As a dutiful daughter myself, I would, without thought, put my parents first at every turn, and would eventually become weak in body, mind and soul.  Lost somewhere between raising children and tending to fragile parents, there is a place called limbo, and we must prevent ourselves from going there by anchoring to a solid, stable place.

What I have learned along the way from my clients is that it is 100% necessary to tend to yourself.  This brings with it the image of being on an airplane; the flight attendant talks about placing the oxygen over your moutn before assisting others.  You do this because without you, others might perish.  The strong one must get stronger (have oxygen) before helping those who aren’t strong.  Place the mask over your face and “breathe.”  The same is true when your feet are on the ground, and you are a caregiver.

Next week, I’ll offer some specific suggestions for bringing “oxygen” to your own life.  Please come back!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Protect Your Parents from Fraud

| Julie Hall

Your parents protected you when you were young with advice and example.  Look both ways before crossing the street, never speak to strangers, and a host of other suggestions were meant to protect you.  Sadly, our parents reach a point where they need us to protect them!

Here are six suggestions to protect your parents from scams and schemes:

1. Ask or discuss with your parents who has durable power of attorney.

2. Register your parents’ telephone numbers with the National Do Not Call registry (www.donotcall.gov).

3. Discuss with them the list of common frauds (see The Boomer Burden, chapter 7).  Ask them to contact you if they suspect anyone is trying to defraud them.

4. Ask your parents to contact you if anyone offers to buy any of their possessions.

5. Make sure a family member personally visits your parents on a weekly basis.  If this is a challenge and you have other siblings, take turns.

6. Reduce junk mail for a small fee by going to either of these web sites: www.stopthejunkmail.com and http://mailstopper.tonic.com.

The National Center for Elder Abuse is an excellent resource for information on financial and other forms of abuse against senior citizens.  It publishes reports and conducts research on this growing problem.  NCEA’s mission is to promote understanding, knowledge sharing, and action on elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation.  Its web site also offers links to other excellent resources and organizations also devoted to protecting senior citizens.  Their web site is www.ncea.aoa.gov.

Honor your parents by standing between them and anyone who sees them as an easy target.

© 2009 Julie Hall

Scams and Schemes

| Julie Hall

Your parents, especially those who live alone, are vulnerable to scams and schemes for three reasons.  First, seniors tend to be trusting.  They also may be lonely and sometimes distant from those who can protect them.  Senior parents are also vulnerable because they worry about their financial security.  Finally, scammers know that many seniors have money and valuable possessions.

Even though approximately 50 percent of elderly Americans are victims of financial exploitation, only 10 to 15 percent of the abuses are reported.

The following may indicate that your parents are being victimized:

  * Sudden bank account changes, especially an unexplained withdrawal of large sums of money
  * Unfamiliar long-distance telephone numbers, expecially from overseas, on their monthly bill
  * Significantly lower standard of living (change in eating and shopping habits; unable to afford things they once afforded)
  * Selling higher-end items such as furniture, antiques, and so on
  * Sudden disappearance of valuable possessions
  * Increase in commercial or junk mail
  * Sudden change in behavior; symptoms of depression or anxiety
  * Increased worries over money

Next week, I’ll share six ways to protect your parents from fraud.  If you need the information sooner, and for much more practical advice on helping your parents now, and dealing with their stuff after they are gone, please order my book, “The Boomer Burden”, available from Amazon.  http://www.amazon.com/Boomer-Burden-Dealing-Lifetime-Accumulation/

© 2009 Julie Hall