wonderful parents

Preserve Your Family History

| Julie Hall

Today, like any other day, I walked out to my mailbox, and I found an envelope from my elderly father.  I can’t remember receiving much mail from Dad in the past.  It has always been Mom who sent me things.  But it was Dad’s handwriting; I have been worried because he hasn’t been well.  I opened the letter, not knowing quite what to expect.  Much to my surprise, I found the following letter along with a handful of photographs that had been enlarged:

Dear Julie,

I am enclosing several enlargements of old slides I found in the back of the garage.  I thought you and the others that are in the photos should have them — sorry, in some of them you weren’t even born yet.  It is important for you to have these because they show both sides of your family — these are the people you come from.  You should preserve these and show them to your children and grandchildren as your mother and I are doing now.

Love to all, Dad

Dad’s letter made me realize two things. 

First, our older parents do think about these things and do worry that once they are gone, all family lineage will die with them.  In my estate business, I see this all too often.  On the flip side, I see families that preserve almost too much and it becomes information overload for the kids.  Is there a happy medium?  I think there can be.

Second, as a boomer myself, I feel that many of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s neglect to ask about our heritage until our loved ones are either infirm or they pass away.  I have seen so many of my boomer clients say they “wish they could talk to mom and ask who is this person in the photo.”

So what can be done?  I’ll give you some specific ideas next week!

© 2010 Julie Hall

A Word About Blended Families

| Julie Hall

Today, I’m answering a question from a reader.

Q: We have a blended family with grown children that are my husband’s, mine, and ours together.  We are long retired, the children are grown, and we know it is time to make some serious decisions about our estate and division of heirlooms.  For years, two of our children have been bickering over one piece in particular.  Naturally we want to be fair, but I think our biggest concern is if one of the children gets an heirloom that doesn’t really belong to them because they are not from that side of the family.  How can we handle this delicately?

A: About 40% of my clients have challenges with their blended family and personal property distribution.  Here are a few basic guidelines; stick with these.

Though children grow into adults, they still need our guidance.  At this stage, it is vital that you provide your children with precise directions for the time of your death.  Offer your children your last wishes, documents regarding heirlooms, Last Will and Testament, Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, etc.  An attorney can help you prepare these documents, which are absolutely necessary.

As for heirlooms, engage in a frank discussion with your husband first.  Pull out a notepad and write down all of your decisions regarding all of your children and what you think each one should have.  Remember, if you do this for one child, you must do it for all of them.  It might be wise to enlist the help of an appraiser/personal property expert to help you ascertain the values of these possessions to keep the distribution financially equivalent for each child.

Keep a spreadsheet naming each child, then list the heirlooms that belong to each “bloodline”.  Next, call a family meeting with you, your husband, and your children only — No spouses of the children should be present.  It is best to do this in person, otherwise, make individual phone calls.  Share with your children your wishes and that you have documented who gets what and their current monetary values.

Make sure each child gets a copy of this document and make it very clear that there will be no feuding because these are your wishes and decisions.

Many clients leave it at that, which I do not recommend.  My suggestion is to arrange the transfer of that heirloom to the children while you are alive.  This way, fewer “mistakes” can happen after your death, and you will know everyone got everything you wanted them to have.  Peace of mind is a beautiful thing!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Keep Their Memory Alive

| Julie Hall

The journey from your parents’ first signs of decline to the day their house is finally emptied may be long and difficult, filled with more stress and sorrow than you deserve.  Now that the casseroles are finished, the cards are read, and the relatives have returned home, what can you do to keep their memory alive?

Here are several ways you and your family can honor your parents and enjoy them forever.

  1. Plant a tree in their memory.  One family planted a silver maple tree – mom’s favorite – at the assisted living center where she lived.  It’s just a few blocks from her grave and remains a living memory of her.
  2. Distribute cuttings from a favorite plant. 
  3. Share favorite recipes.  Create a small recipe book of mom and dad’s favorite recipes and distribute to the relatives.
  4. Keep the fishing trip alive.  Harold took his two sons on a fishing trip to remote Ontario every spring.  The spring after his death, those sons planned a fishing trip with their own sons and daughters.  It’s now an annual tradition.
  5. Create a memory book.  Remember all those boxes of photos you found when you cleared your parents’ home?  Scan them on to a computer and create a memory book to share with the family.  Or, take those old home movies and transfer them to DVDs and distribute to the family.
  6. Give a lifelong gift.  Many families contribute to charities and causes in memory of their parents.  You don’t have to be extremely wealthy and have a building named after you to make a difference.  One family pays for an annual scholarship that allows one underprivileged child to go to YMCA camp every summer — in the name of their parents.  Another family pays for the Vacation Bible School supplies at their church each year, since mom always loved to teach children.
  7. Make a family DVD.  Local video companies can document family members sharing their memories of parents.
  8. Recreate your parents’ presence.  This looks different for every family.  Did Dad always smell of Old Spice aftershave lotion?  Was there always Glenn Miller music playing at mom’s house when the family arrived?  Create tangible reminders that can brighten a sad day or a family celebration for years to come.

© 2010 Julie Hall

How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others

| Julie Hall

I find it hard to believe there is actually a word in the English language that could possibly describe what caregivers go through.  There can’t be.  What is experienced during the caregiving process is often a deep, emotional shift accompanied by confusion, frustration, even resentment for many.  Somewhere along the line, one loses oneself and their individuality blurs with the needs of the loved one.

Most are caregivers out of love and affection, and others caregive because it is not financially feasible to pay for professional care.  Perhaps a child has a strong desire to care for mom and dad, or possibly a sense of obligation.  They will caregive for as long as they can, only to surrender when they reach a point when they can no longer offer the quality of care the loved one really needs.  It make no difference what the scenario is — all have experienced the same emotional labor.

Who then will care for you, the caregiver?  Ultimately the answer is you.  We’ve all heard the saying: “You have to remain strong for those you care for, so please take care of yourself.”  But are caregivers really taking the time to replenish their bodies, minds, and souls?  If I were a betting lady, I would say no.

As a dutiful daughter myself, I would, without thought, put my parents first at every turn, and would eventually become weak in body, mind and soul.  Lost somewhere between raising children and tending to fragile parents, there is a place called limbo, and we must prevent ourselves from going there by anchoring to a solid, stable place.

What I have learned along the way from my clients is that it is 100% necessary to tend to yourself.  This brings with it the image of being on an airplane; the flight attendant talks about placing the oxygen over your moutn before assisting others.  You do this because without you, others might perish.  The strong one must get stronger (have oxygen) before helping those who aren’t strong.  Place the mask over your face and “breathe.”  The same is true when your feet are on the ground, and you are a caregiver.

Next week, I’ll offer some specific suggestions for bringing “oxygen” to your own life.  Please come back!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Letting go of your possessions is harder than you think

| Julie Hall

In the last post, I included a list of some reasons why people have a hard time letting go of their stuff.  I want to continue the conversation with a couple of important suggestions from my experience as an appraiser of residential contents and estate liquidator.

First, if you are clearing out many possessions, enlist the assistance of a personal property appraiser.  When in doubt, always have the contents of an estate/home appraised prior to distributing or selling contents.  Most times, the heirs are not surprised to learn that much of what mom and dad amassed doesn’t have much value.  There are some children who feel that “everything is junk” and then discover through an appraisal that some pieces have significant value.  Family stories through the years can also add to the anticipation of great-grandfather’s chair being more valuable because it is so old.  Remember, age is not the only determining factor of true value.

Another important issue that the older generation should realize is that many of the heirs generally won’t take much.  Their children allready have houses that are full from being married 20 years or so, and adding more will only fuel marital strife.  The younger generations appear to want nothing but cash assets.  Even if your children do take items, their children definitely don’t want them now and most likely will feel the same  in the future.  They are not interested in antiques or traditional possessions, when they could take the cash they receive and go to IKEA or Pottery Barn.

Holding onto possessions for the sake of not wanting to let them go will leave a massive burden for the children/heirs.  Gifting now and making plans for the distribution of your possessions while you are still here (and in control of those decisions) is the best plan of action!

© 2010 Julie Hall

The Death Bed Thief

| Julie Hall

Exploitation can raise its ugly head in the midst of unsuspecting situations.  Such was the case with the Garvey family (not real name).  Mom and Dad Garvey were about the nicest people you’d ever wish to meet.  Their three adult children lived nearby; they loved to have all the grandchildren over for Sunday dinners.  All of the children were successful, and the family often took vacations together.  As Mom Garvey shared with me, she could not recall one moment of discord between her kids. 

Dad Garvey was diagnosed with cancer at age 73, and the disease progressed rapidly.  He had lived a good life, and faced his illness with grace and courage.  Even as his strength waned, he loved having his family visit.  But soon death was imminent and hospice was called in to assist him and his family.  That’s when strange things began to happen.

One of his daughters became uncharacteristically possessive.  She wanted to be at Dad’s bedside around the clock.  Normally a sweet and accomodating person, she would snap at her mother over the smallest thing.  She accused her siblings of not caring enough for their dad, even as she tried to prevent them from being with him during his final days.

Eventually Dad Garvey passed away, with his wife and children at his bedside.  But as the funeral director’s hearse pulled up to take the body to the funeral home, the same daughter disappeared into the basement, while the others comforted one another in their grief. 

It was a few days later that they discovered what the daughter had been doing.  Apparently, while she was keeping vigil by her father’s bedside, she was also surveying his belongings.  When he died, she quickly grabbed the things she had stashed in the final couple weeks of his life.  Mysteriously, even though Dad Garvey had prepared a will, it was never found.

This is a scary story, no doubt.  But imagine, for just a moment, how different this story would have gone if the parents had given serious consideration to dividing their estate prior to infirmity or death.  At the very least, they should have distributed a master list of what they wanted each child or heir to have, making sure that each child received a copy.  The will should have been given to the executor or another trusted professional, so it would have been available upon death. 

If every child knows the plan in advance, it will be much harder for one child to take the lion’s share.  Unfortunately, this scenario occurs every single day, because no one planned ahead!

© 2010 Julie Hall

A Spontaneous Invitation Changed My Outlook on Life

| Julie Hall

It was a spontaneous invitation from my mother to attend their senior holiday dance and party.  I was out of state visiting them and I obliged her request.  How much fun could it really be with everyone so advanced in years?

The club house was nothing fancy — reminiscent of a church basement or school gym, devoid of color, with few decorations.  In front of the small Bingo stage sat the collapsible sound system from the hired DJ, complete with a disco ball spinning crystal dots on the walls, and a lighted 3-foot Santa next to his unit.  The floor was exceptionally shiny, as if someone had spent hours buffing it to perfection for dancing.

The 40 seniors waited in line for cafeteria style dinner of roast beef, green beans, and a roll.  Dessert would be homemade cakes from the neighborhood ladies, served on styrofoam plates.

During our meal, the DJ came alive, obviously loving his job.  The beat from Glen Miller’s “In the Mood” was evident in my tapping feet, shoulder motions and bobbing head.  Was that ME actually having fun?  The fun was just beginning.

Mesmerized by the fantastic selection of 40’s and 50’s music and jazz beats, the seniors suddenly came alive.  Some with canes, others with oxygen, still others afflicted with heart disease — it didn’t matter to them — they got up and started dancing like they were young again.  Before my eyes, the music became their magic.  Transported from 2009 back to the 1940s, the hands of time literally spun backwards to return them to their prime in life.  This was their night and they proudly took ownership.

The most moving part of the evening was how they looked at each other.  Couples married for 50-60 years still gazed upon each other with love and affection.  I even caught a glimpse of an 80 year old man stroking his wife’s face while they danced, and I had to hold back the tears because I knew she was fighting an illness.  This, I thought, was true commitment. 

They had survived the Great Depression and a devastating world war.  They were fiercely loyal, still loved America, and always had a strong work ethic.

For one night, for a few hours, they didn’t care about their diseases, ailments, aches, and pains.  They only wanted to let their hair down and have a memorable time.  There I sat, in love with each of them for the way they treated each other with smiles galore, twirling about as if today were their last day on earth.

The thought crossed my mind, as it probably did theirs, that their time is indeed limited, for some more than others.  How could they dance and enjoy fellowship with such carefree smiles and attitudes?  Because they love life, and offered each other the best gift anyone could possibly receive … the gift of simple joy. 

I found myself deeply moved by what I saw that evening.  Ours has become a world of convenience, and often inconvenience.  A place where people are always asking, “What’s in it for me?”  A place where we don’t see as much care and concern for each other as was in our parents’ generation.  I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge visiting a strange time and place, who saw the light and understood the meaning in the few hours they allowed me to share with them.

Our seniors truly are our greatest asset and we have much to learn from them!

© 2009 Julie Hall

What to Notice About Your Parents’ Aging

| Julie Hall

Many of us will gather with close family at Christmas and/or New Years.  You may want to observe your parents, or other close relatives, and take note of any new signs of the aging process.

Some of these signs, if occurring infrequently, are no cause for panic.  These signs could mean that your parents need to have someone to check on them daily, or to consider assisted living.

  • Declining mobility
  • Vision problems
  • Loss of interest in favorite pastimes
  • Irritability
  • Hearing loss
  • Confusion
  • Repetition
  • Short-term memory loss
  • Fatigue
  • Unopened mail
  • Changes in the home environment
  • Unusual spending and/or hoarding (collecting)
  • Preoccupation with finances
  • Change in appetite or not eating well
  • Staying alone, isolation
  • Depression or anxiety
  • Bruising from stumbles or falls

What should you do if you notice any of these signs of aging in your parents?  You shouldn’t overreact, or force the issue to discussion.  You should not ignore the signs either.  Just pay attention.

1. Begin keeping a diary or log of what you notice.  By paying attention and keeping a record, you will be able to objectively determine if these behaviors are happening infrequently, or if they are getting worse and may need intervention.

2. Begin to think about the future.  No one likes to face the inevitable facts of decline and death of our parents.  Those who allow themselves to think proactively are much better prepared for the day when all they have left is their parents’ empty house.  It’s the adult children who have been in denial who really become unglued when the end finally arrives.

With family gathered, this may be a good opportunity to observe and discuss the facts together as siblings.  Go for a walk or out for coffee together.  A little investment of time when all are together may ease the challenges you’ll face later.

Whatever you observe, continue to love them and make great memories together as a family!

© 2009 Julie Hall

A Nickel, An Orange, and Newly-Soled Shoes

| Julie Hall

Ever since I was a little girl, I have listened to stories my father told about the Great Depression.  Admittedly, I only half listened because I had trouble believing the stories of trudging through 5 miles of snow to school every day.  Surely, he must be exaggerating.  Like any typical teenager, I dismissed him as a reminiscent parent who was living in the past.

Now my father is an old man and I am a middle aged woman.  His memory is fading, and I deeply regret that I did not listen more attentively as he told the stories of his life.  One, in particular, stands out.

During the Depression, “there wasn’t much of anything for anyone,” Dad always said.  Dad remembers Christmas as a particularly difficult time, since there was no money for gifts.  He recalls how he and his siblings would pester Grandpa for a Christmas tree.  Grandpa would go out late on Christmas eve in the freezing cold, when all the good trees were gone and prices were slashed.  A pathetically skinny tree, missing most of its needles, would come through the door with Grandpa.  The kids didn’t mind; the tree was beautiful to them.  It was decorated with whatever was in the house.

Christmas morning brought other surprises.  Each child was given one of their own stockings that contained a new nickel, an orange (which was very hard to find) and their old shoes that Grandpa had resoled from scrap leather he found.  Ponder the scene.  Simple, meager offerings to these children, who were overjoyed by them.

Each child cherished that orange, savoring its’ juices, and took a long time to eat it.  The children didn’t demand new shoes, but were very happy to have new soles to make them last “a little longer.”  And, the new, shiny nickel was rarely spent — it was too pretty to blow it on anything.  This was a time to be utilitarian and resourceful.

Today, we look at how far we have come and how much we have changed.  While we are fortunate to have so much and to not be in a Depression, we really have no idea where our economy will take us.  Anger, frustration, and fear prevail among us, just as it was back then.

What makes our parents’ generation different from ours?  They simply found a way, out of necessity, to make it work.  They put food on the table and kept the family together.  Their thoughts would never be on flat screen TVs, new cars, and Blackberries or Wii systems, even if they had them back then.  They simply did without.  And they survived to tell us about it.

So when you are opening your gifts this holiday season, imagine an old tattered stocking, filled with a nickel, an orange, and newly-soled shoes.  Simplicity is a beautiful thing!

© 2009 Julie Hall

Leaving a Legacy of Love

| Julie Hall

Anne and Bill are a wonderful example of parents being prepared.  Both are in their mid-seventies, in relatively good health, have two children, several grandchildren, and are geographically remote from their family.  They knew that if, or when, something happens to them, their children would have to journey to get there and assist.  Wanting to make life easier for their kids, they decided to make sure their children understood their wishes.

This couple has been married 52 years, very hard working middle class, who saved a great deal of their money, invested it, and wanted their assets protected.  When it came time to downsize their home to move into a smaller one, they de-cluttered their home, sold most of their belongings, and lived comfortably on what they needed.  Anne no longer has a need for all the silver plate, china, etc. and preferred the space to the clutter.

They hired a financial advisor to assist them with decisions, an estate planning attorney to create a revocable trust, and told their children that everything is in writing and gave them each a copy.  The trust clearly states who is the executor, and who is the health care power of attorney.  Both children were clear on their part of the responsibility.  It was very difficult for their children to listen to what their parents’ last wishes were.  Yet, they knew they owed that to their parents.

Each child has a file containing all the vital information of their parents’ estate and guidelines within, even down to funeral arrangements, music to be played, and how many death certificates to order.  This file remains in their file cabinets, hopefully for many years to come, but is easily accessible if (and when) the fateful phone call comes.

Do you see the ease with which the children have already been prepared, thanks to this wonderful set of parents?  For parents to give this much thought into their own mortality cannot be easy from anyone’s perspective.  Their actions toward their children were kind, generous, accepting, and loving.  Their only wish was to ease their children’s burdens, when they were in the midst of grief, estate dissolution, selling the home, travel, etc.

These are two very fortunate children to have everything spelled out for them when a time of crisis occurs.  I should know, as Anne and Bill are my parents!  Thanks, Mom and Dad, for loving us that much!

© 2009 Julie Hall